You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Hi, and thanks to all who wrote.
OxDrover, I really got a kick out of your first response. I could just see the fleas and crabs, and (the 100 Ho’s who gave them to him)! Also, for your list of what these N/Ps are and what they do! Slimone, I am so sorry that you had to go through the pain that you did. Thank you for sharing.
Justabouthealed, you sound like me and what I was doing to please my N/P.
Now, I have a question. Can it be that I subconciously seek this type of person out? I was married to a man for twenty four years who was abusive, controlling, was only nice to me when he wanted sex, which wasn’t often. He was always looking at other women, porn, led a double life, etc. Lies rolled out of his mouth, but he was different than my current N/P. When we first divorced, I went to a massge therapist that some acquaintances of mine recommended. I was in a lot of pain and had to go twice a week for a while. I did not know until later that he had told my mother, who went to him at my suggestion, that he loved me and wanted to marry me!
My mother said that I was just out of a painful situation, but this man seemed so sweet and genuine and was the kindest man, or so I thought, so I began seeing him. After a short while, I thought that I was in love with him. He wanted to marry me and even gave me a ring. ( I later found out that it was a fake ) When my mother told him about the problems I was having with my ex and his not giving me the money he owed, and also telling him her financial difficulties, he became emotionally abusive. He told me that if I gained so much as a half of a pound, he would dump me. I am 5’6″ and at the time weighed 118Lbs. He wanted me to lose weight. I did aerobics for an hour each day, and yoga for another twenty minutes. The worst day was when a person whom I had met just two times forwarded a voicemail that the man I thought loved me was telling this person that he couldn’t deal with my depression and he thought he was going to get money. He said that he was “tricked” into dating me!
I went into such a deep depression because my ex had taken any self-esteem I had from me, then this man who I now know is at the very least a N/con-man, took what I had left.
A few months later I met who was to be my current nightmare. Is there something wrong with me?
One thing that I can say now is that because of these men, I have no money for anyone to be after, although there is the appearance that i do because of the family business that I help run.
I don’t know if I should date anyone seriously again. I sure don’t want to get married.
Thanks for reading. Sorry to be so long.
Janet
Dear Jfog,
AFtter my husband was killed in an accident, I felt so lonely and unloveable and alone that I iwas targeted by a P whose x wife had caught him cheating and dumped him. He was looking for another “respectable wife” to cheat on. He was a serial cheater with 3-4- even 5 women on a string all at once.
After 4 months he started to abuse me verbally, and I also found out later he had burned the home of one woman a former girlfriend because she had dumped him. I finally kicked him to the curb about 8 months after our relationship started but it hurt me badly to do so.
I grieved for several months afterwards, but now feel very comfortable alone—not lonely. If the right guy came along (fat chance) I might date again, but I would be quite cautious.
After having been in a terrible marriage for so long I can only imagine how lonely you were and how vulnerable.
No I idon’t think you pick kthe kind of guy who will abuse you or that you WANT that kind of guy, these con men are slick to “idolize” us at first and it makes us feel so SPECIAL but before long the abuse starts….it is when we NOTICE THE ABUSE and fail to RUN that we fall into trouble with our excuses of why we should stay and try to “fix” him etc.
When we learn from one psychopathic and/or abusive relationship that we do NOT deserve to be treated wioth abuse and disrespect, we will no longer TOLERATE abuse and so we kick those jerks to the curb….even if it hurts.
Being “brave” does not mean having no fear, it means being scared chitless and STILL DOING WHAT WE KNOW IS RIGHT! Even if it hurts, we must DEMAND and INSIST that people treat us with kindness or get the heck out of our lives.
Sounds like you escaped another psychopath. GOOD FOR YOU!!! Don’t giv eup hope of finding a good relationship, but build your life where you are happy alone, and then mayb3e you will find the right good and kind person to SHARE your happiness with. ONLY WE can make ourselves happy!
Thanks again, OxDrover for your wise words and kindness.
I am sorry for your your loss. I cannot imagine losing a husband that you loved, especially so unexpectedly. I am also sorry for your having to deal with such pain after such a loss. You must be a very strong woman.
I wonder if I will ever have the issues with both my ex and soon to be ex resolved where I can have some peace and contentment. I know that I don’t have to have a man in my life to make me happy. Right now all I can think about is the pain that the ones I had caused me, and for that matter still are. My ex is supposed to be paying me every month, he has stopped. My soon to be ex is supposed to be paying towards a debt that I have to pay, and he is perpetually late. He always writes a very sweet note giving a plausable excuse, then feels like he can do what he wants because he thinks that I am too nice to take him to court. I have told my attorney, but he has shrugged it off so far. I have to have another attorney send my first husband a letter threatening him with contempt of court so he will do what he is supposed to do, but he will harrass me and our sons relentlessly when I do because this is an ongoing saga.
I have all of the expenses of our son’s while they are at home because they couldn’t find any summer jobs. It is all I can do to make it. What kills me is that my two wonderful (yeah right!) husbands each make six figures!!!
Believe it or not, I do try to think positively and focus on my boys and helping to take care of my father, who has multi-infarct dementia, diabetes, and lung cancer. He is failing so quickly. I am glad that he isn’t aware of all that I am going through though, as he would be a basket case!
I hope that I can one day be as wise and strong as you and so many of the wonderful people who write on this blog.
You are all great. Hugs to everyone.
Janet
Dear Jfog,
Sweetie, I am so sorry that you have had to go through all this mess, but I do empathize for sure.
Be sure and take care of YOU as well as your father and your sons.I wasn’t very good about taking care of myself as I was of taking care of others. Believe me, my worst enemy was ME. because I didn’t value myself or care for myself. I put others first always, and sometimes the people I cared for didn’t appreciate me or my efforts. I’m finally learning to take care of myself, so that I can have strength to SHARE with others.
It’s kind of like I think, if food was scarce and you gave it ALL to your sons or your father and NONE for yourself, eventually you would starve and there would be NO food for ANYONE, so you must keep up your own mental, physical and emotional health by “eating some of the food” for yourself! I almost waited too long before I started taking care of me. I am growing in strength, though I still have down days too, but when I need or want a day Just for ME, I take it. (((hugs)))) and my prayers fo ryou and your growing strength and wisdom!
Oxy and Rosa !
Your advice to Jim was sooo good!! I can’t believe that Indy Jim went a million steps forward and then one giant one back..just goes to show it happens to the best of us! Thank God he has got you two! Or he would be still trying to rescue “cinderella and her fella”.
And yes Jim, right now , if i am in bed at night and i can’t sleep, I don’t feel any fear at all. What I feel is, “come on, bring it on you P! come try and stalk me now, then we will see who is the greater psychopath tonight!! ”
I heard a rumour that Matt is “in love”…this will be REALLY interesting, this one!!! ha ha! xoxox
Matt!
Thankyou for the new terminology, I am going to use this medical discourse to some of the detectives that I have to live with right now, “excuse me, detective seargent Plod, but i really do think you have “craniel rectal inversion today”! Bet you anything that they are too proud to ask me what it is! lol
Tilly…Thanks, and yes, it’s good to have friends here. Now I have to figure out why I did what I did, and go on, or keep repeating my mistakes.
Live without fear, Tilly, and stay strong and safe.
Jim
Dear Jimmy-boy-0,
If you figure out why you did what you did, let us know so we can avoid that–I actually think you did what you did because you are HUMAN—and I am afraid we are all afflicted with that same problem! Humans make MISTAKES.
But what I did see is that YOU DID THE RIGHT THING AT THE RIGHT TIME WHEN YOU SAW THE RED FLAGS, even if it did hurt a bit.
That’s the thing about human relationships, is the more we care about someone, the more we hurt if something happens to that relationship. It is only the Ps, who don’t care about anyone (except as a possession) who aren’t hurt if the relationship breaks up, they just move on to another victim. They may be MAD but never hurt emotionally like someone who is truly capable of caring.
Your lady friend may have had some “pink” flags, but when she started talking about the “stalker” and then started seeing him, that was a RED FLAG, and you recognized it as a red flag and went NC with her. I don’t think she herself is a psychopath, juist a poor woman who for whatever reason is bored by good guys and somehow excited by the “bad boys” and has not LEARNED from her previous encounters with the psychopaths. If she is not ready to learn (In research they call this “pre-contemplation” stage (meaning she hasn’t thought about it! Gosh, I love that 4-bit word!–actually, I think it is a 6-bit word! LOL)
Actually, Jim, I think this “exercise” in putting to use what you have learned is a great example to yourself and to us as well, how to handle this situation. While you were interested in this woman as a friend (and maybe more) you were CAUTIOUS and you kept your eyes OPEN to REALITY, not clouded with FOG or IDEALS, and okay, you struck out on this one, maybe the next one won’t be a strike out! Personally, I am proud of you!!!
Oxy…thanks. Yesterday, I had a good day. An old friend had called me some time ago about a problem he had in a remodeling project. It required some skills I gained ten plus years ago, involved some limitations, and some “problem solving” skills.
For most of the day…physical labor and a need to remain focused as I worked through it, step by step, until it was done. It was a mix of skill and art, and it worked. I haven’t had that sense of accomplishment in a long time, and it felt good.
My recent experience was a mix of good and bad. I don’t know enough about everyone else’s motives, but it turned bad for me, and I had to get out.
That’s what worked for me at the time. As for the future…we’ll see. The project completed yesterday helped me in “retraining” my brain. I need to do more of this.
Thanks again,
Jim
You will accept, recognize, and concede that goose stepping is a natural form of locomotion.