You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
A response to the Narcissist from the newly empowered, disqusted, impatient, intolerant x victim:
You MUST back off, suckah, ’cause I’m no longer easy, susceptible, vulnerable, understanding prey for you to use, abuse and exploit!
You MUST back off ’cause your needs most definitely DO NOT supercede MY needs. It’s about equality, reciprocity not your selfish, savage, primitive, childish motivations and drives.
You MUST disappear, fall off the face of the Earth, jettison your useless self into space hopefully crashing on a lifeless asteroid, take a long walk off a short pier, meander onto zee Autobahn~walking, get lost in the wilderness and meet a pack of salivating, hungry coyotes, develop a chemistry experiment which either transports you into the unknown void or causes you to go…POOF!
(ok, got a little carried away on the last bit. But see? The Narc was the one responsible for his/her own demise. I simply observed and cheered. From a distance…haha)
Thanks, Steve. That was fun!
Wow….first, thanks all for the amazing feedback…what a creative and therapeutic exercise this can be?…i love the new, added commandments…EyesWideShut, Kathy, NewLife, JaneSmith (with your twist), Hummingbird, great job continuing the dissection of this personality!
Donna, thank you for your surprising feedback!
Steve
Oh, cool, Jane. I like this angle.
Here’s mine:
You MUST deal with my demands for reciprocity. Until you get it, you must breathe reciprocity, eat reciprocity, have reciprocity transfusions, read books about it, write essays on it, design reciprocity bumper stickers and bake reciprocity cookies. I’ll let you know when you’ve graduated from the school of reciprocity. In the meantime, you must…oh, where did you go?
You must always be my supply no matter whether or not I devalue and discard you
You must accept I am”sensitive” but expect no regard for your feelings
You must take my word as the word of your Lord and God
Very Good Steve….this is an oddly fun exercie.
How about
YOU must project in public, whatever image of perfect union I expect you to project, along with unwavering support and admiration, regardles of the living hell I create behind closed doors.
Tee Hee….
WOW, STEVE!!!! AWESOME!!!!
Hummingbird, welcome back, haven’t seen your wings flapping recently, glad to see you still here!!!
To all the rest of you who added more “commandments” GREAT!!!! I am humming a tune appropriate to this theme, “This could go onnnnnn for-eveee-rrrrrr” ta da! We could make a million-word book out of the “commandments” and expectations of these creeps!
And of course there is NOOOOO way we will ever meet all their expectations and they are not really “forgiving” when we “sin” and “fail them.” LOL ROTFLMAO because they will always bring these things up 10, 20, 30, and yes, even 45 years later to remind us how pitiful and terrible we are and what failures.
Actually (tongue in cheek poking out here) I am so glad that they are as patient with us as they are, “seeings as how we are so inept!” ROTFLMAO
BOINK!!!! BOINK!@.......!! to all Ns and Ps and now can we sing a chorus of “Hit the road Jack, an’ don’t ya come back no more, no more, hit the road Jack….”
Steve, I agree with Donna, this is a magnificent list. The added commandments are, too. I reconize every one of them as his attitude.
I see nothing funny about the list at all. Perhaps it is because I have not recovered my sense of humor? I do remember, I think, that Kathleen says she covers up her hurts with humor.
My over-all and almost consuming reaction is to email this list (and the added commandments) to my EX. Not that I expect him to “get it” (we had already “discussed” these aspects that were hurting me so bad before I escaped and he didn’t “get it.”) but MAYBE he would show it to his live-in girlfriend, and even though he would show it to her with, “See, I told you she was crazy.” that MAYBE she has had time to recognize these aspects herself by now and will GET OUT before she wastes any more of her life.
He may have my email blocked — haven’t had any response from him for YEARS (but he can’t type) so maybe I should stick it in the snail mail?
Folks, if this is a bad plan, please stop me. The urge is really almost overwhelming!!
Steve, this is awesome, and everyone elses added comments! Unfortunately, and sadly these are most of the ways that S completely and is still controlling our niece and possibly her parents, however her mother has so many of these qualities as well! What chance does she have??
New Lily, I just finished a book called Children of the Self Absorbed … the overwhelming thought in this book is that N people will never get it as far as understanding that they are?? The only hope for dealing with them is to protect yourself knowing what they are…I don’t think your EX would get it and your better off just keeing the no cantact…
Beleive me my husband and I tried to point out these things to the S as well as to this niece and family. They are too deeply in the ‘fog’ I suppose to get it. But we still have hope!
ANewLily,
Don’t do it. I had the same impulse myself, wanting to send the list to my ex. Hoping that if he looks at it he’ll get some insight. But believe me, they won’t. They’ll look at it and say, “Yeah, that’s how I am. And that’s why I’m smart and you’re not, I win and you don’t. And besides, you know you liked it and you know how lucky you were. So what is this about? A plan to get back together? I’m sure you’re missing me.”
That’s meant to be funny. I hope it makes you smile just a little bit. It’s just that they are so grandiose and so predictable.
Really don’t do it, because you don’t want to interact with these people. It’s like opening the line between you and them, and then leaving your mental phone off the hook, while you wait for them to respond.
They won’t. Or if they do, it won’t be something useful or happy-making. And there you’ll be, vulnerable, because you reached out. NOT where you want to be.
If you can, just drop the iron curtain down again in your mind. His problems are his problems. Likewise everyone who gravitates around them. I know it’s hard to stop caring, especially when part of you wants to scream at them, “What’s wrong with you? Can’t you see that he’s dangerous.”
But for your own sanity, you’ve got to disengage. Give your attention to things that truly make you happy or nourish you. These people don’t. They just drag you down.
My Buddhist friend once told me that he was using his “travelling time,” the free time when he was moving from one thing to another, to start putting a happiness gauge on his activities. So he could figure out what lifted his spirits, and what drained them.
Think about this. You’ve been doing so well, acting in favor of your own wellbeing. Don’t get derailed into another round of “he’s so awful.” It will just make you feel bad.
Kathy
I agree. It is so hard to get our head around the fact that they can’t change. Think about a phobia. That can be gotten over. Think about an alcoholic….harder to cure, but it can be done. Mental illness….like schizo,….hard to treat, but can be treated, if the person takes their meds, etc. But personality disorder? We haven’t a clue how to really fix that. Esp. a narc, P, or S….they simply can’t sustain good behavior. They simply have very shallow emotions. Their brains aren’t working right.