You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
First, I want to say that I read all of the posts above and empathized with each story.
However, I am going to be very “selfish” and usurp the thread with my VERY GOOD NEWS. One of my 3 daughters just called me!!!!!!! She hasn’t called for 7 years!!!!!
PS The only explanation is that her father’s mask must have slipped and she finally saw it! Pray for protection for her from his wrath!
EVERY time in the past, if he learned that one of the kyds called me, he found some covert slimy way to hurt me!!! Not knowing if he was retaliating against any of our 4 adult children I didn’t call them either.
This time — after the time spent gaining sustenance from LF I really feel strong enough to handle calmly any garbage he slings at me! (But, not against my children!)
Lily… I am so happy for you!! I hope everything works out!! I don’t think you are being selfish at all… we have to share our good news too!
lily – that is good news.. I am so happy for you…you dont need to expalin a spath to anybody, they reveal themselves eventually..
Dear Lily!!!! I just saw your post and I am SOOOO HAPPY for you, I know how it has pained you in the past that your X had smeared you to your children, your sisters, etc.
Remember what Abe Lincoln said about “you can fool some of the people all the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool all the people all the time” I hope that this is the start of your family seeing that your X is NOT like “Honest Abe!”
I am so glad that God answered your prayers with a “yes”!!! I know it was so many years before mine were answered where my son C was concerned, as he was married to that P for nearly 8 years and she separated him from us. I find it difficult to wait for God’s time, I want it NOW—but I am slowly learning some patience—well, okay, VERY slowly learning patience! LOL (((hugs))))
Great News Lilly:)xx You sound over the moon. I am very happy for you too. I wish you both lots of joy for the future and super strong LF brand garbage armour!:)
I raise chickens. I was sitting on my back porch this am, drinking coffee and watching the chickens, when I realized that I have the perfect example of the 2 different relationships in marriage. I have a rooster and a hen loose in the lot. He pecks her so much that she has a sport on her back that is naked and raw. He has no tail feathers because she goes around behind him and pulls them out. Now I have another rooster and hen in a smaller pen inside the larger enclosure. One day I opened it up to feed them and the rooster flew out. I couldn’t catch him so I left him out. The nest morning I noticed the hen had not eaten her food and was just sitting with her chest puffed out and wouldn’t move. This went on for 2 days. I was sure she was going to die. On the 3rd day I caught the rooster and put him back in the pen. The next morning she was up eating and acting normal. You see she couldn’t do without him unlike the other couple unlike the other couple always inflicting pain. I lived with my sociopath for 5 months. If I had tried to live with him any longer it would have been like the couple always working to inflict more pain. I decided thats not the way I want to live.
I wish I could pull all the tail feathers out of all my P exes.
Can someone please help me? I’ve been reading the information on this sight and I’m very afraid now. I just married a man last month that his ex wife has constantly tried to convince me that he is a sociopath. I thought she was crazy and he kept telling me that she had just never gotten over him. I was married when I met him and he had been married to this woman for 7 years. We were all acquaintances. He kept flirting with me and asked for my phone number and I gave it to him. He was so sweet and giving me the attention that I had been lacking from my husband for a very long time. Three weeks later, I left my husband of 13 years to be with this man. His wife was taken by total surprise as was my husband. However, she filed for a divorce immediately. He would not even communicate with her about the divorce or tying up the loose ends regarding their parting ways. He told her to communicate anything she had to say to him through my email or through a co-worker of his. She did this because she said she wanted it to be over with as quickly as possible. She kept telling me that he turned into a total monster during those last three weeks that he lived with her…someone she didn’t know. She also said that when he first left leaving her in a total state of shock and confusion that several of their friends came forward to inform her of his constant cheating that began just shortly after they married. However, he also presented himself to be the perfect loving husband when he was in her presence. She checked the stories out and found them to be true. He was leading a double life behind her back. She also learned that he had treated all his previous girlfriends and wives in the same manner and had been accused of inappropriate conduct with children on two separate occasions involving two totally different young girls. She also told me that he wouldn’t work and would expect me to support him.
When I confronted him, he admitted that it was all true but told me that he really loved me and that that part of his life was over. He’s 40 years old. His ex-wife went to a counselor seeking help in moving past the damage he had done to her. She told me that when she told her counselor that she couldn’t understand how her husband could have been doing all these things behind her back and then come home to her wanting sex and playing the role of the perfect husband, he told her flatly that he was a sociopath. She totally believed it and passed the info along to me. She kept sending me information describing the deceitful behavior of sociopaths. I finally wrote her off as a nutcase because the description did not fit the man I knew at all.
Since that time, I learned that he never stopped his cheating even when he left her to be with me. He had had sexual encounters with many women during the entire two years since leaving his wife although he was living with me. He was even telling one that he loved her and was planning to be with her. He brought her to our house where they would have sex. I would sometimes call him in the middle of their having sex and he would talk so sweet to me and make background noises to trick me into believing that he was working, etc. Then, he’d go straight back to continuing to carry out his sexual actions with her. I have talked to this woman and this is what she has told me. I confronted him with the information I had learned about his cheating. He said it was true but that it was my fault because I would not marry him. He said I wasn’t there for him and the other women were and that he didn’t feel that I loved him anymore. His ex-wife told me that he told her the same thing when he was leaving me for her.
I married him a few months later. He promised that he would make everything up to me. Swore it on his mother’s life and promised his mother that he’d always treat me well and stop his past behavior. He hasn’t worked in months, and I am supporting us. He has also transmitted two STDs to me…genital herpes and HPV…the kind that causes cervical cancer. I’ve already had to deal with several procedures to rid myself of cancerous cells. I’ve also battled several trich infections.
Am I a fool? Did his ex know what she was talking about all this time and my love for him has blinded me into thinking that I’m the special girl that he’s always been needing. He’s asked me to love him unconditionally and I’ve promised to do that and stand by him but sometimes I’m just miserable. He acts like a child and tells me that he needs my constant attention. It seems that everything is always about him. He’s not physically abusive but gets very angry if I bring up anything about his past. He says he wants to make a brand new start with me and show me that he can be different. Please send me your opinions of my situation. I can tell that all of you are very knowledgeable when it comes to sociopaths. I need to know. He’s ten years older and I don’t want to waste my life on this man if he’s not going to change.
Oh, I forgot to mention that his ex-wife is now remarried and seems very happy. She married an old childhood friend and he seems to idolize her. He is fulling supporting her and she quit her job of 27 years to help him with his business. I watch her life through her myspace page. They look very happy together and she has a glow about her. I’m happy for her and wrote her to tell her. She thanked me but still warned me that my husband is a sociopath. She has always been very nice to me saying that she’s never blamed me because she knows that her ex (my husband) is a predator and targeted me as a victim. I really don’t think she wants my husband back in her life in any way like he says she does. She also seems very intelligent.