You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Biddy:
Welcome. I am glad you found LF. I was ready to kill myself after 15 months of my S’s (sociopath’s) antics.
First, you are not a fool. I can tell you point blank that you have been deceived, lied to, manipulated, exploited and lovebombed. These are all classic sociopathic techniques.
Second, he is not going to change. Therapy only makes these non-humans worse.
Your S has followed the classic pattern of tapping into a need of ours, in your case, feeling neglected and unhappy in your marriage. Then he swept you off your feet (lovebombing). Now he’s controlling you through threats, false promises, promises extracted from you, etc. Problem is, these creatures (I don’t feel they merit the title of human) can only keep the act up for 3 or 4 months. Then the mask slips and they reveal the monsters they really are.
Your’s is cheating. He has given ou 2 STDS. He acts like a child who needs non-stop attention — which he does, because with a sociopath it is all about them — you do not matter one iota in this equation.
Trust me when I tell you his ex-wife was RELIEVED when you took the problem of S off her hands. Mine had a wonderful family. They adored me. I also see, now that he’s been out of my life 8 months, that they were relieved that they didn’t have to bail him out and deal with his antics. He cost me a lot of money, huge amounts of heartache and did a number on my health from the non-stop stress. My only goal at this point is to get him sent back to prison.
He is already shutting you down — no inquiries about his past. He may not be physically abusive, but emotional abuse, which you are going through is worse. I can also tell from your letter that he is isolating you from our support system. Oh, yes and the repeated promises of “I’ve changed” “We can have a new life”, etc are all promises written on the wind. Oh yes, and the demands for “unconditional love” and the “Promises to stand by him” are just pure manipulation. You are supposed to do what HE wants while he will continue to do whatever the hell he wants at your expense.
As I said earlier, there is no therapy for these creatures. They are all perfectly happy with their interior landscape. We are the problem.
You want my opinion? Here it is. Get out now. Grab what money and assets you have that he hasn’t used yet, cut off any credit cards you may be jointly liable on with him, clean out the bank accounts before he does and save yourself. If you read enough letters on this site you will discover how many people have stuck it out for years only to find that it doesn’t get better.
Save yourself. Run and don’t look back. If you need any further clarification, read the articles in the archives. I’d run out at first light and buy Robert Hare’s “Without Conscience”. If that doesn’t send you packing, since you will see your S jumping off the page at you, I don’t know what will.
Don’t mean for this to sound hard-hearted. But, I wish to God that when I started experiencing what you are after 3 months that I had had the good sense to get out instead of tolerating his abuse and exploitation for another year. The climb back took me months. So, get out now.
omg.
you are not a fool.
all the questions you are asking yourself you are asking for a reason.
and they are all in the affirmative most likely.
God this has shaken me.
But big hugs, I am so pleased you found this place!
LISTEN! Listen to yourself, what people are telling you, what you have written…
He IS what he IS,he WILL NOT change! it is his behaviour NOT his words that is the thing.
read here …read what other’s have said…
I am going to be thinking about you and sending caring thoughts …
I havent read a post on here so far that has touched me as much as this…
Luckily you have some of the most wonderful people here to turn to, Kathleen and Oxy, and LTL and …the list goes on.
Thanks so much for your responses. I don’t know what to do. I bought a used mobile home and have invested all my savings in it and have been the one making the payments on it. It is on land that his mother owns and I don’t want to leave it, I have nowhere to go and no money!
hang in there biddy xx I think if you keep checking back here today, you will get a lot of REAL, helpful, practical advice and support from people who REALLY do know what you are experiencing.xx I am a bit rubbish on the practical front, but I am holding your hand:)xx
I also read on here somewhere that sociopaths sometimes change when they get older. He keeps telling me that he is older now and that has realized that if he doesn’t change his ways, that he will be all alone someday. He had a great fear of being alone. He also seems truly sorry that he gave me the STDs and said that it was a real eye-opener for him because he never dreamed that he might catch a STD. I know a lot of the women that he has had sex with in the past and most are women who sleep around with a lot of different men. The one girl that he kept telling her to be patient with him and they would be together was not that sort. She is very successful and has a very good job. His ex-wife also had a good job and supported him well. She has told me that he’ll continue to have sexual encounters but will stay with me until he finds someone else who has more to offer him by way on financial support. She has also said that he’s using me to pay for the house that is on his mother’s property and then he’ll be done with me. She said that all he ever talked about was wanting to live where we live. The house is only financed for another couple of years. He’s very affectionate towards me and jealous as well. He also seems proud that I am his wife and asks me all the time what he can do to “wow” me. He seems to REALLY love me. I know that I love him very much but I don’t know what to think about how he has behaved in the past. I believe that people deserve second chances. When I tried to leave after learning about his cheating, he sobbed and begged me not to go so I stayed.
He SAYS a lot doesnt he…? It’s not him you should be listening to. Its the EVIDENCE and yourself. What is he ACTUALLY doing/ done?x
I’m not trying to be stubborn…I just feel SO very confused! His ex says that he is not real, that he cannot love and that he has no feelings for anyone else. Yet, he’s been truthful with me about his cheating and says that he knows that he has a problem, he’s had his mother talk with me and she says that she can tell that he loves me (his ex told me that his mother often told her that she could tell that it was SHE who was also the love of his life and that I shouldn’t believe anything his mother says, either), he seems to be compassionate and very sensitive…he cries even when he hears touching songs or watches sad movies with me. He keeps telling me that his ex is just trying to cause us problems but he did exactly what she said he would do. I just don’t know what or who to trust or believe! He just says that he needs a lot of attention and that if he doesn’t get it, he feels insecure and seeks it elsewhere. I feel sorry for him.
I dont think you are being stubborn. xxx I apologise if it came across like that. x
‘I just don’t know what or who to trust or believe!’
Yourself.Your gut.
He just says that he needs a lot of attention and that if he doesn’t get it, he feels insecure and seeks it elsewhere. I feel sorry for him.
I soooo totally have been where you are, so PLEASE dont get me wrong, but he is 40 years old, not 3. Of course you feel sorry for him because YOU are a GOOD person and trying to help someone because YOU have a heart and soul.xx you are confused because it doesnt make sense…it doesnt add up! IT DOESNT! you cant make it add up with your goodness and love.
The being moved by songs, the weeping at movies, seems so compassionate…you sound like me 6 monthes ago:(
My gut is just as confused as my mind. One minute it tells me one thing and another the next. I don’t know why I just can’t make myself leave him. I know that I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I very much want to believe that he has just made some very bad choices in his life. He says that he’s very ashamed of the things he has done and it’s difficult to face the people we know. We live in a very small community where news travels fast. He also plays in a band and is in contact with the local public often. He says that he is embarrassed by the things he has done. However, his ex wife tells me that’s just another ploy and it was these very people who told her the kind of person that he was but never said a word until he left her. The ex and he were from different communities and she didn’t know any of the people who had known him for most of his life. They told her that he had always been a womanizer and some even called him a predator. When she asked them why they didn’t tell her about him…they said they thought that maybe he really loved her and had changed him. Now, these same people are saying the same things to me…that they see a change in him, etc. I’m afraid if I walk out on him, that I’ll be walking out on a man that really loves me and I know I love him. Doesn’t everyone have bad things in their past? There are some differences in the way he is with me and the way he was with his ex. She said he started out being really helpful around the house and working steadily but over time…he stopped doing anything. He has been really great about helping around the house because he says that he feels guilty because he’s not working. His ex says that he learned from her that not holding down and job and sitting on his rear doesn’t go over very well so he’s trying to show me that she’s wrong about him. She told me that some of the things that I’ve told her that he has said to me when it comes to being mature and responsible are direct quotes of things that she once said to him when she tried to talk to him about his needing to grow up and accept some responsibility for the household. Should I just write everything off that she says…stop talking to her and see what happens?
Look, I have alarm bells going off all over my brain with every, single thing you are say to me because I have been in your position, heard exactly the same things from his ex wife and ignored them and I want to scream RUN!.
BUT you have to do what YOU feel is right… and you have to be gentle with yourself… I cannot walking in your shoes or you in mine… just know that whatever you do you will be supported and nurtured here at Love fraud:)x
I think that this man is a classic sociopath(its like he has the handbook) and I think you should get the heck out of there… you will come to your own decision. I hope, as Matt says, it will be sooner rather than later.
Read lots here. ask. talk. rant. you will get help to find your way through.