You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
*oops, typo – ‘every single thing you say because’ – not ‘ to me’ (blush)*
There are reasons why you feel confused and why even with all you know you feel that you cannot leave him, and there are articles right here written by some excellent people who can explain that to you(without spelling mistakes like moi!)x
It’s going to take a bit of time to wrap your head around, but you are already on the right road.
As Oxy says : Knowledge = power! the power to make an informed choice for yourself.x
Maybe also for now, now I am thinking about it, try and cut out what she says (just for now) and look at the REALITIES (not the hopes and fantasies, projections of your own affection or promises he makes) of how he is with you. It’s a good start.xxx
blueskies:
I understand…everything I’ve read on here backs up what she says. I wrote her a couple of weeks ago and asked her if she felt I’d made a mistake in marrying him and did she think he’d ever change. She says she doesn’t think so but that she really shouldn’t compare her life with him to mine. Then, she wrote me back and reminded me that after she thought about it…so far nothing about mine and his relationship had really been any different from their’s…he cheated repeatedly on both of us, is still immature and has constant attention needs, and still isn’t sharing the financial responsibilities of the household. Of course, when I communicate with her…I get upset…and confront him with what she has said. Somehow, he manages to make it all better and keeps demanding that I not communicate with her at all. It’s during the bad times that I want to talk to her because I feel that she is the only one who understands how consuming he is of me. She has pointed out to me that I ask her questions and then when she tells me something that I don’t want to hear…I start defending him. She has gotten really frustrated with me before. She says she’s only trying to spare me the agony of what she and the others have endured. She claims that he caused her to lose everything she had worked for and is still bitter towards him although it’s been nearly 3 years since their divorce. She said that she got over him in a hurry once she realized that he wasn’t REAL…she said the man that she was in love with never really existed. But, she said she would never get over the betrayal or the deceit that he inflicted upon her or the way he took advantage of her and jeopardized her health/life by having unprotected sex with multiple partners and then coming home to have sex with her. I stop talking to her and it seems like I start to trust him, then when I get upset with him, I end up writing her and she gives me another earful and insists that I educate myself on the behavior of sociopaths. Some of the characteristics seem to fit while others don’t. This is all so confusing to me. You say you believe that he is a classic sociopath…is it because of his cheating? What has you so convinced that I can’t see so easily? Help me understand.
try and break things down into what you KNOW for REAL.
WHY i think he’s a classic sociopath?
* he is a SERIAL cheater, liar and user
* He is blaming others for his own actions
*HE is say he is sorry but NOT STOPPING
*he is doing a classic pity play feigning embarrassment/shame BUT what is he DOING about it??
* He seems to have had a history of either casual sex or parasitic relationships with women.
*Has constant need for attention
*Is not taking financial responsibility.
* He tells you one thing one minute and another the next
*HE HAS YOU IN A CONSTANT STATE OF WORRY AND CONFUSION AND ITS NOT THE FIRST TIME HE HAS DONE THIS TO A WOMAN HE ‘LOVES”.
HE IS MAKING YOU FEEL BAD!
HE IS MAKING YOU WONDER ENOUGH TO COME HERE!
those are enough red flags for me at the point I am at to say yup, we got one!xxx This is MY opinion based on what you have written.
Please read and educate yourself like has been suggested. This is YOUR road to travel and you will find your own truth but you have to try to take the information you find IN, and let the rosy spectacles of your own loving heart and goodness drop when you are looking at what you have with him here.xxxx
P.S I cannot diagnose anyone a socipath I can just give my opinion:)x I think the most important thing is that you are in distress and it needs sorting out.x
Yeah, you’re right. I guess I just need it drilled in my head deeper than the things that I’m allowing him to drill into it. I don’t know what to do. I have no money and MY home is on his mother’s property. I don’t have the money to move it. I’ve sunk everything into that house just so I could have the security of a home.
Take it slowly Biddy. Start at the beginning, get clued up. Take as long as you need. Be gentle with yourself. Maybe you are not in a position to take control of what’s going on around you right now, but you can make a start on yourself, your own feelings and understanding of where you are xx I think the best thing you can do is work on building your own strength, and well being, stay alert, play it cool, stay here, suck up as much information as you can…x
biddy:
With respect to your question as to whether an S gets “better” as they get older — you are hanging onto false hope. Steve has written an article on this site. Their antics and unconscionable behavior slow down a bit, but only because they don’t have the energy to keep the game going. But, they don’t develop a conscience. They don’t develop empathy. They don’t give a damn about you.
Also, the more I read of your exchange with blueskies, the more convinced you have a full blown S on your hands — the parasitic lifestyle, getting “mommy” to plead his case with you, the fact that you are busy rationalizing his horrific behavior, your desperately searching for signs that he really isn’t as bad as he seems. I agree with blueskies. Turn off what he is saying and just look at his actions and how they affect you. Not a pretty picture.
I think you need to sit down and begin planning your escape. First things first. Close out the joint bank accounts. Close out the joint credit cards. You want to cut him off from access to any of YOUR funds or credit. Each day that goes by that he can drain you further is one more day you are stuck in this hell of a marriage. You need to start saving money now so you can move your trailer. Or sell it and move yourself somewhere else.