You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Biddy, I agree with others — including the ex-wife – that you are dealing with a disordered person. After just a month of marriage, I think you can even still have it annulled.
If you wait, and then get a divorce, half of what you EARNED will be his!
And NO, as they age they do NOT get better — just more covert! Mine is 73 and has his next victim totally trapped. He persuaded her to put $40,000 into their new house (because he missed the mansion he lived in with me) but he won’t marry her. He treats her even worse than he did me (after 4 years of cohabitation) and she is TRAPPED.
I never warned her because everyone said if I did, she’d only think I was a bitter nutcase — and wanted him back. Yuk, it took every ounce of strength to get OUT, I’d never go BACK. Sound familiar?
Could you borrow the money to move the mobile home to a new lot – now and asap — before you lose it altogether?
We all understand your confusion!! We’ve ALL “been there, done that.”
My thoughts and prayers are with you as you sort through to a decision for YOUR life. It won’t get better. He won’t change. He can’t love!
And your love can’t “save” him! I desired and hope that for 46.5 YEARS and my love for him didn’t even make a dent in his disordered behavior!!!!!!
biddy, welcome to LoveFraud. I’m really glad you found us. This is a great place for information and support. If you haven’t done so already, check out the archives. There are a lot of good articles there that may help you get more clear about what you’re dealing with, and what to do.
But you’ve been getting good advice already. The position you’re in is familiar. You’re financially enmeshed. And dealing with someone who is saying and doing every possible thing (to your face) to keep you supporting him and enabling him to continue his lifestyle.
He knows all the right things to say. All the ways to defuse your concerns and anger because he claims he really loves you or is different than he used to be. All the ways to make every avenue of support or help that you can find “wrong” or people who are trying to use you or are out to get him. All the ways to make you feel guilty for being “disloyal” or for trying to take care of yourself.
They are particularly good at absolutely dazzling you with how much they love you, when they have the slightest concern that you might be thinking about resigning from the role of supporting them or giving them your money in other ways or slipping out from under their emotional control. And if you do slip away, they often turn very nasty.
For that reason, you need to be careful. Yes, it’s a good idea to start thinking about escape. You wouldn’t be here on LoveFraud if you didn’t have a pretty good idea of what you’re dealing with. Now, the best thing you can do is just start quietly thinking about how you’re going to get away.
Don’t worry about the back-and-forth nature of your feelings. It’s one of the characteristics of these relationships. Sociopaths are experts at manipulating our feelings, and particularly at making us question ourselves. If you’re feeling that way, it’s just goes with the territory.
What can help you keep yourself on track is thinking about what you really want in your life. Do you want a husband who is a financial parasite? Do you want a husband who cheats on you and gives you STDs? Do you want to be paying for a house that is the “dream” of lying, unfaithful man and is on his mother’s property?
It’s clear you’re facing some challenges here, at least on the financial side. But first figure out what you want in your life. If you can visualize that, then it gets a lot easier to figure out how to do it. And it sounds like you want something better than this. You certainly deserve it. You sound like a caring, responsible, hard-working person. You can do better than this.
Please keep posting. I know this is a very difficult time for you, trying to make sense of a lot of contradictory information — what he says and what he does, what you hear and what you experience. And don’t think we’re pressuring you to make a decision. What you’re hearing from us is just recognition. It sounds like our own stories.
We’re glad your hear, and we’re behind you.
Kathy
Thanks to all of you for your responses. Yes, the contradictions are hard to deal with. And, since I love him so much, it’s been really hard for me not believe that he will change, when he has begged for just one chance for him to show me that he’s not the person he used to be. Can someone please tell me why he has been truthful with me about everything. His stories match his ex wives about his past behavior with her and with others before her. After he cheated on me with several other women, one that he seemed to be more involved with and that I have communicated with about the ongoings between the two of them…even their stories match. Why didn’t he just lie? He NEVER admitted his cheating to his ex-wife…just when he left her for me. She found out about his cheating on her after he left her. She said that she had suspected it several times and nearly caught him a few times but that he’d always lie, cry and beg her not to divorce him. She said she once found the phone numbers of two women in his truck, she confronted him and he started crying and begging her not to divorce him but never admitted the truth and that was that he was sleeping with these women. So, why is he being so honest with me but never was with her?
My s/p was truthful with me in the beginning too. I figure he just wanted to see how far he could take me and how much I could forgive, how deep I was invested… and also let himself off…. because he was ‘coming clean’. Which in turn would make me think oh…at least he’s being honest with ME (not like his wife who didn’t understand/he didn’t love as much as me.)
Biddy, Kathy gave you great advice. If he is being “truthful” with you (for real) it is only because he has determined that is very important to you and that for now it is getting him what he wants. I SWORE the bad man I was involved with was being truthful withe me too. But, while it took more than a year to find out, I discovered he was choosing carefully what to be honest about and what to simply not tell me. Lying by omission is still lying. I swore that when he used a certain tone of voice, he was being honest, and he was…in that very moment.
But reread what you have written about his history of how he has treated people. Would you read that and think “What a wonderful guy!” Are those things you’ve always dreamed of finding in a man?
A great article, written with humor is http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml The theme is “But he would never do that to you, you’re so special to him”
biddy:
My S was also “truthful” in the beginning. I have since learned that he used the “truth” as part of his pity play to keep me in the fold when he realized I was ready to walk.
You seem to be having some confusion over the fact that your S doesn’t exhibit “all” the signs of sociopaths. Dr Hare makes it very clear that a person doesn’t have to exhibit all the signs to be sociopathic/seriously disordered. All you need to see are one or two signs and you should be running for the exit. From what you’ve written, you’ve got a whole lot of sociopatic red flags waving.
You say you are in love with him. We have all been there. What you are in love with is the ILLUSION he presented up front. We all fell in love with the ILLUSION. I then spent over a year trying to “win back that wonderful man I fell in love with” only to learn that man never, ever existed and that I had fallen in love with an illusion.
Also, you wonder what your future holds. I believe he has already told you that — that he will hang around until something better comes along. My question to you is — what the hell is in this for you?
Here’s a fair use quote from that article. While the article is flip, I don’t intend any flipness toward your situation. Being emotionally betrayed, getting conflicting information, loving someone so deeply who has hurt others so deeply….it was certainly the most painful experience of my life (and I’ve had my share). It has taken me two years to climb out of the hole he put me in. So I do feel for you. So don’t let the humor put you off. There is a serious message in there, that I wish I had heeded.Here’s the quote:
“He’s told you all his deep dark secrets (at least, all the ones he thinks can win him sympathy and attention). He’s acknowledged how he behaved badly in the past (even though it was brought out by who he was with). You two must have a very special connection for him to be so open and “honest”. And he seems to be remorseful, so that must mean he won’t do that kind of thing again, right? Not with you. You’re special. So what if he told his ex the same kinds of deep, dark secrets, opened up in the same way? So what if he exhibited the same kind of remorse for things he did to partners before HER? So what if he told her all the same sob stories and pretended to be working on his shit with her? So what if he lied to his therapist and others? He really means it this time, with you.”
Please note the whole article is poking fun at what these guys say and what we swallow.
There was a time that the above quote would have sounded TRUE to me, not dripping with irony. It is solid sarcasm.
Biddy:
I think the reason you are so confused about your husband is because you are experiencing “cognitive dissonance”.
Cognitive Dissonance is the feeling of uncomfortable tension that comes from holding 2 conflicting thoughts in the mind at the same time.
You want to believe that your husband is a good man, that he wants to change, and that he loves you. That is what he is telling you, but that is NOT what he is SHOWING you. And then you communicate with his ex-wife, and her accounts are conflicting with what you want to believe about this man.
That is why you have defended your husband to the ex during conversations with her, when she tells you something you do not want to hear.
I hope I am not confusing you even more, but I believe that is where your confusion is coming from.
PLUS, the fact that you are in LOVE with him.
Love is the biggest blinder of all!
I suggest you read the article on this site called, “Love, Sex, Your Brain & Sociopaths” under the category, “Hooked by a Sociopath.”
I believe it will answer a lot of your questions.
I will leave you with a couple more things to remember.
1) If he is being “truthful” with you, he’s getting some type of payoff from it. Sociopaths (and he is one) don’t do anything without getting something in return. Besides, they like to walk along the truth, because it makes their lies more believable.
2) Those tears he keeps crying in front of you are called “Crocodile Tears”. They are not real or sincere. Remember that. Their ability to “cry on cue” is something that still mystifies me. Sounds like he missed his calling to be in motion pictures.
3) My jaw dropped when you said he was not physically abusive towards you. This man gave you not one, but 2 STD’s. That is physical abuse of the worst kind, as far as I am concerned.
You just got married last month?
I understand that you love this man, and want to make it work with him.
But, it will not work out. In fact, it is going to end, and probably very badly.
The question is how much time, energy, money, misery and heartache are you willing to put into this man?
Only you can answer that.
I will leave you with this thought. I spent 8-9 years in a toxic relationship that was NOT AS BAD as what you are involved in here.
The one thing, however, that I want back from that relationship is my TIME. Time is precious, and life goes by in a minute.
I understand your need to “give it a whirl” with your husband, but the prognosis is NOT good. Remember that.