You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Biddy,
Everyone has given you wonderful advice. When you have that “conflict” going on in your head, everything you learn here makes sense but also can be very overwhelming…To take it all in.
So besides for everything you are “experiencing” in real life that is confusing you (he is crazymaking on purpose to keep you hooked in), then you have all of this information to take in as well.
It is all the best INFORMATION you will get anywhere for what is happening in your life right now.
Here is one really simple thing to consider. When any of us read your story, we can see the abuse, the lying, cheating, the blaming others. We see it loud and clear. Your intellect knows that it is happening (and can see it is wrong) but your heart is addicted to what he says not what he DOES. Actions speak louder than words.
When someone tells you that it is your fault that they gave you an STD, that is about as abusive as someone can get on an emotional level.
Action= he had sex and gave you an STD.
Words= says not my fault its yours? This is a great example of crazy making.
Does that make any sense to you? None of this is your fault but he will not accept responsibility for his actions so he will pass the blame to you or to others.
Dear Witsend & Biddy,
Biddy, Witsend is totally correct—turn off the SOUND and look at the ACTIONS.
He gave you an STD–so who is RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM having the STD? HIM of course.
What Witsend is calling “crazy making” is the psycho-babble that they give us in an effort to make black appear white, or up appear down, or left appear right—-they are never at falut, if we were not so x, y, or z, then everything would be perfect is what they tell us. All we have to do is to shut up about their lying, cheating, stealing, or whatever else they are doing and then there would be NO PROBLEM! Make sense to you? Not to me.
Biddy:
What part of “get out now you are with someone who could eventually kill you!” don’t you understand?
Maybe I should explain things a little better. We moved straight in with each other immediately after leaving our spouses. He cut off all communication with his ex-wife but I didn’t file for a divorce immediately from my ex…I waited 3-4 months. I also continued talking to my husband and we agreed to continue to be friends. We were highschool sweethearts that got married very young and were married 13 years. We also had joint dogs together and we still wanted to be able to “share” them. We also had a lot of debts and business together that we had to continue as we were still legally married.
All the while, my current husband was pushing me to marry him and even gave me a ring. I didn’t feel that I was ready to marry him and a lot of it was based on the warnings that his ex-wife were passing along to me. It created a lot of tension because I would talk to her and then question him. He never denied anything she had to say about his life with her or even his past before her. He admitted to the cheating and said he had a problem in that he needed a lot of attention and confirmation or he would seek it elsewhere. He also said that his ex-wife was very independent and that he was too “needy” for her. I can trace his cheating on me back to beginning about 6 months after we got together although I’ve been told that he never stopped having sexual encounters with other women even after leaving his wife and coming straight to me…I don’t know if this is true or not.
The one woman that he cheated on me with that he told her he was in love with…and I have communicated with. He said she was there for him when I wasn’t, and that all she was to him was sex. He also said that she was his back-up in case I left him because he doesn’t want to be alone. This woman had the nerve to come to my house and have sex with him there. Did I mention that she, too, was married? She would also meet him on the side of the road and have sex with him in the car! He said he liked her at first but then started to see some things about her that he didn’t like but that he didn’t have the heart to break things off with her. He did break things off with her after I found out. That’s when we talked everything out and he said that he was scared that I was going to leave him because I wouldn’t commit to him or stop talking to my ex. He begged me for a commitment and a chance to show me that he would change. I gave it to him and we started planning our wedding. We didn’t get married until around 7 months later. Since I made that commitment, he has treated me much better and helps out around the house. He says that he is ashamed and embarrassed by his past. He still doesn’t have a job, though, and has never worked steadily since we’ve been together. He still wants my undivided attention or he feels threatened. However, I have not suspected any cheating but I didn’t suspect before, either.
Bottom line: THIS IS NOT OKAY!!!
He said, she said, he did, you didnt, his ex did, didnt (he picked this woman up at the side of the road for sex?Some things he didnt like about HER???!…and he wants a marriage???Commitment??? from YOU. This is not okay, this is not how it works this is WRONG!)
He didnt have the heart to break it off with her??! Is he kidding?! what a crock!! He had the kind of heart to do it … That is the shape of his heart!(to quote sting;)
You are putting up with unbelievable amounts of shit… for what? Him being NICE to you??? Helping around the house?? YOUR HOUSE TOGETHER? Should that be a ‘treat’ or a given????!
You talk about this woman and her antics with him like he had nothing to do with it. Its bizarre looking from my current standpoint, but I have been there.xxx
xxxx
WOULD YOU DO IT TO HIM? ( because he is mean to you? slept with a woman on the side of the road?cheated on you?Is using you? NO! Because you LOVE him! Think about that.)
The thing is, it IS fine, if that’s your preference, to have as many sexual encounters as you please, but to get MARRIED and do it behind their wifes back, to say you LOVE someone and lie to them, is screwed up. Period.
I dont think ANYONE with a heart and soul could ACTUALLY say the things he has said to you or behave in the contradictory mannor he has.
Could you do what he does and still tell him you love him?
Biddy:
I think I read that your husband plays in a band?
Oh yes…the boys in the band….I’ve never dated a musician (I prefer athletes), but I have seen them in action.
(Athletes are just as bad, by the way)
Biddy, all I can say is, it is a good thing this site is anonymous. If I ever went to a bar/club, and knew that it was YOUR husband in the band, I would go right up to him and punch him in the face.
Biddy,
For me what worked was thinking what ACTIONS could the bad man take to demonstrate he has changed or is working on changing. What made this miraculous change in him? Did he go through therapy? CHANGE is hard. It is even harder to sustain. What, every time you aren’t giving him enough attention he will stray?How about you go to a lawyer with him and draw up some kind of paper stating that if he EVER strays, he hereby gives his permission for an uncontested divorce and that any and all assets are yours. It may be that isn’t legal. If it is no,t have the lawyer help you put everything in your name solely NOW. Your husband has goofed. Big time. If he REALLY means it about being sorry, if he REALLY means it about changing, if he REALLY means it about never cheating, he will agree to all that, as well giving you passwords to his computer, his cell phone and the right to put whatever monitoring devices you want on the car, so you can “trust but verify”. He is on probation. Let him know that. But as long as he doesn’t screw up, you will undo all these actions in 10 years. (You’ve got a LIFE sentence with the std).
If your bad man is like mine, he will suddenly realize he had done NOTHING wrong, he does NOT need to change, and YOU are the one that should be on probabation. LOL!!!
Biddy, don’t ever confuse pity for love. Is this guy a soft spot for you to land? Does he bring out the best in you? Do your friends adore him? Do they say you are so lucky to have him?
Biddy, the person you need to take care of and protect, and be forgiving toward and be in love with is YOU. Love is like two hands coming together in prayer, each held straight up, but pressed against the other straight hand. You take one hand away, the other remains straight and strong. Namaste pose.
But if you are so intertwined…praying in the manner of fingers intertwined and grabbing on to the other hand, when one hand is pulled away, all that is left is the other hand curled up like a claw, ready to grab onto another hand for support. That isn’t love that is interdependence, that is needing someone, using them to keep you propped up, it is not love.
You said “Maybe I should explain things a little better.” No. The details don’t matter. What matters , as others have said, are actions. There is NO excuse, there is NO explanation that justifies ABUSE. NONE. NONE. NONE It matters not what you did, what he has been through, what you said, what he said. NO!
Another thing that will help is to read the TRUE LOVE FRAUD stories. Since our love addiction is not tied up in it, we can see the truth about others stories, and we shake our head and say “She put up with what?!!!” and “She still stayed after that???” and slowly it will hit you that others read your story and likewise can see the truth of what is really going on.
I loved the bad man in my life too.Finally I realized I was not going to survive if I stayed in the relationship and I went no contact. It hurts like hell. But the longer you are away, the more the love will turn to anger, red hot anger, and then, over time, as you realize his brain is not normal, that he can’t be fixed, your anger will turn to pity, but the kind of pity you have for a once nice dog you had, that is now rabid and must be contained with NC. Stay with him and you WILL get rabies.
Biddy,
Dear sweet Biddy. A NORMAL person doesn’t have someone “waiting” in the wings just in case things don’t work out between the two of you. A normal person doesn’t sleep with a few woman at a time while married or in a supposidly “commited” relationship. A normal person just doesn’t do BAD things (consistantly) and then excuse everything they have done by BLAMING other people for their mistakes. This guy isn’t loving you. He is abusing you.
And he will not change. The best indication of how he will treat you in the future is how he has treated you already and how he treated those that came before you. EXCEPT that it will progress as time goes on. And he will get worse instead of better.
He is like a toxic drug and he has you addicted to him. All the red flags are there waving in front of you.
He has even admitted that it is all ABOUT him and his feelings (he could care less about yours or the other womans)
He needs alot of attention. He needs someone to be there for him. He wants undivided attention. He doesn’t work (how convenient for him).
LISTEN to what he is saying. It is all about him. It will continue to be all about him. SEE his actions. His actions speak volumes.
What about you? What about how you are feeling? What about the STD? He is discarding this as if it was nothing.
back up woman? He did it because YOU werent there for him? he told her he loved her but you that she was just sex?!! I’m with Rosa right now, I REALLY want to smack this slime bag in the gob.
Forget blood tests, I think that people should have a sociopath test before being allowed to marry!
being promiscuous is not a crime, neither are open relationships when everyone is informed and consenting (not my cup of tea),but these creeps dont want define who they are… they WANT to be in sneaky clandestine situations, we (you, his ex, the roadside girl) are all just his cast to act out his stupid play, we are ephemeral organs!. Grrrrrrrrrrr! this guy has my hackles up big time!
What he is doing and saying to you is so similar to the B/S I swallowed and have taken the last 6 months trying to recover from…