You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Great article about how we hold on to the nanosecond the guy appears loving or normal and WILL NOT LET GO! It is a great article if you are dealing with conflicting feelings about a man.
http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/29/just-because-you-believe-it-doesnt-make-it-true
anyway, I think you DO get whats going on. and I hope you keep posting (I promise to calm down!lol!x:) and making progress.xx
In the meantime I think the advice you have been given regarding finances is really important. You need to start making an exit strategy and start putting down some money to enable you to get out as soon as you need to. I know you love him, and you are hoping that you wont need to and that he will be true to his word when he says he’s changed… if he does then Hurrah, you have a nice little nest egg, but either way its a good idea.xxx
Justabouthealed said: “Since our love addiction is not tied up in it, we can see the truth about others stories, and we shake our head and say “She put up with what?!!!” and “She still stayed after that???” and slowly it will hit you that others read your story and likewise can see the truth of what is really going on.”
That is soooo true. I remember years prior to my ex P when I worked for a social service agency some women would come in and tell stories of verbal abuse, (mild comparitively speaking to alot of the stories here) and at the time I would wonder why she didn’t kick him to the curb or take some sort of action. I would think I would NEVER put up with that sort of thing.
Fast forward: Not only did I put up with that sort of thing, but I put up with far far worse. I put up with and lived through some stuff I would be ashamed (even now) to tell most people in real life. Not even I understand it and in looking back it horrifies me, so how could I possibly expect someone else to understand it.
So, yes, at any given time there is probably going to be someone on this board who has lived thru something similar as what someone is posting, and because they are not the addict in the relationship they can not only see what is happening, but have lived through it themselves in some manner or other. It is clear to us how it will go down more than likely, but I can soooooooooooo still remember the days when I was so in denial and in the fog that having something written in blood and placed in front of me would have probably been denied or minimized by me.
Time, Biddy, It will take time for you to process and come to a point where you understand and reach a point where you can bring yourself to ttake action. In the meantime, keep reading here and posting and try to work it out in your mind. And try to start squirreling a few bucks here and there away in a secret hideaway that your husband does not know about so you can use it if you come to a point where you make a firm decision as to what to do. –Jenn
AND… in a WAY you are lucky – you got here BEFORE the discard, you have a chance to walk away from this with something if you are clever.x I didnt know what had hit me until it had already gone leaving me broke financially and emotionally.
I guess everything is relative to one’s experience because I actually spent alot of time actually praying to be discarded. 🙂
Biddy, There are many, many other readers of LF who are in a very similar situation, but not posting, so thank you for sharing so openly of your questions, your doubts, your TRUE feelings, not what you THINK posters like mysefl want to hear. If you keep wondering “Yeah, but what about…..?” do post it, even if someone like me has said details don’t matter, abuse is abuse. Because we’ve all been there, my friends got sick of my “yeah, but maybe he is just…” . This IS the place to verbalize all that. After two years, once in awhile I still lapse into crazy thinking. A romantic song will trigger my old way of looking at things, and it feels embarrassing to post those feelings if two weeks ago I was bragging that I’m SO over all that, but I know people on here understand. Two steps forward, one fall back.
So keep your TRUE feelings coming, no matter what! WE understand. I kept ramming my head into a brick wall for years….as I said CHANGE is hard, especially when all our brain chemicals are upset and in an addiction mode!!
Oh, and I forgot the point I started that post with….that your honest postings are helping others who are thinking “but let me explain” or “Yeah, but he seems so sincere”. So you not only help yourself, but you help others.
Jen, blueskies, I was writing my post and didn’t see yours, we are all on the same page about the need for folks to keep posting the truth, the good, the bad the ugly.
GEEZ!!! I got GREAT advisc from therapists that often took me 6 months to a year to actually DO. I knew it was great advice, I knew it was right, I just couldn’t do it!
Okay, at the risk of sounding “judgmental” let me say the following:
One of the cardinal signs of a personality disordered person is a pervasive (long standing) pattern of DISHONESTY, as in SERIAL CHEATING….this man has been married before and cheated (apparently from Biddy’s story) with others besides cheating on his previous wife with Biiddy. He has ALSO cheated on Biddy , and kept “back up” women just in case Biddy dumped him. He does NOT have a job but is now “helping with the house” more since she caught him at the cheat—sooooo, where is ANY PATTERN of ACTUAL HONESTY AND TAKING RESPONSIBILITY AS AN ADULT ON HIS PART?
My P-XBF cheated with MULTIPLE WOMEN for 32 years on his x-wife before she caught him flat out cheating and kicked his butt to the curb and tossed him out of the house. WHY would I think that I was special and he would not CHEAT ON ME? Yet, I was so needy and afraid of losing him that even after I found out the above facts of his SERIAL CHEATING and even his CONTINUED cheating while dating me, my heart was broken and I was in denial for quite some time.
As I have grown in wisdom and strength I have realized that anyone who has a PATTERN OF DISHONESTY in whatever venue is not a “good relationship risk.”
JAH, yep. Its how it goes.xx
I often think i am being soooooo slow in absorbing the stuff that is right in front of my face and I KNOW is all true… it IS going in… but change IS slow.
Maybe for me it needs to be… I am putting myself back together re-aligning things that have been askew for a long time…I dont want to do a cowboy job of it.x
I too appreciate Biddy’s honesty in her posts (I would not have posted when in her position, I think it shows a strength of character, that I can only wish for) and I admire her for it.
I agree that her way of expressing is so open it is going to resonate with lots of people it sure has with me.x