You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Blueskies, I agree with you entirely about Biddy’s posts, admitting our own “faults” or poor choices is difficult for us, but I see NOTHING IN HER POSTS that show a PERVASIVE PATTERN OF LYING AND CHEATING ON HER PART. Note that I said PERVASIVE PATTERN. We ALL do things we know we shouldn’t do at one time in our lives or another. The only way, however, we can forgive ourselves or expect others to forgive us, is to admit what we have done, be accountable for the results and consequences of these things, then decide to make better decisions in the future. I see that Biddy has done that in this instance. I applaud her for her honesty.
The personality disordered person, however, does not take accountability or acknowledge fault, but blames consequences for their behavior, or even the behavior itself, on others. If they do appologize for it, it is words ONLY and no permanent change in their behavior. Look at the ACTIONS, not listen to the words. Him “helping around the house” more, but failing to get a job, still means that he is just (to me) for the time being trying to convince her he is “changing” but as long as he is NOT WORKING AND HELPING AROUND THE HOUSE AS WELL, his words ring empty to me. In my estimation, if he can’t get a job because the economy is in the tank, then he ought to be doing 110% of the house and yard work and have dinner on the table when she comes home from her job, AND spending at least several hours looking for ANY job, even in fast food or wahtever.
Of course, it IS easier for us to “see” What he is doing (or at least think we see) than it iwas/is for us to see our own situation which might actually be more “crazy” than hers. I know in the past, I have been the QUEEN OF DENIAL!!!! Crown me with an IRON SKILLET!!! BOINK!!!
PArt of the healing process for any of us though is to accept REALITY and see it for the UGLY THING IT IS when we are involved with a psychopath, rather than to paint it up in pretty colors and pretend it is benign.
“PArt of the healing process for any of us though is to accept REALITY and see it for the UGLY THING IT IS when we are involved with a psychopath, rather than to paint it up in pretty colors and pretend it is benign.”
Amen Oxylicious;)
Its a toughy but it is essential.x
blueskies you said it all in one sentence:
You must believe EVERY word that I say, I simply CANNOT be in a relationship with someone who does not trust me, I will of course be lying to you about every single thing.
So I was not losing my mind back then.
Dear FreeatPeacefinally,
Welcome to Love Fraud, glad you are out of that problem, you are NOT losing your mind…that’s a comforting thought once we get to where we are FREE finally!
This is a great place to validate your sanity. glad yo uare here. Again, welcome.
Rosa:
“f I ever went to a bar/club, and knew that it was YOUR husband in the band, I would go right up to him and punch him in the face.”
Rosa! I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH!! YOU are my kinda gal ( don’t worry I’m straight). I laughed with joy when I read this! You have made my day!. xoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Tilly:
Do you know the 1991 movie “Thelma & Louise” starring Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis?
You should watch it if you can get your hands on it.
WE ARE THELMA & LOUISE!!!!
I think I can see that I am going to have to get another donkey, maybe I can name this one SMART Ass, so Rosa and Tilly and I can all three RIDE—unless Tilly wants to bring her Roo to ride, I have an extra skillet Rosa, Tilly has her boomarang!
I wish it was as simple as punching them out! Or fleshing them out for the hogs! Or sending them to jail or sending them to Devil’s island! Or branding them with a large P on the forehead. I think the Ps have been with us since Satan slithered into the Garden of Eden just for the purpose of causing trouble! The best we can do, unfortunately, I think is to learn, protect ourselves and pass the word on to others who will listen. (((hugs)))) I love you guys! thanks for being here on LF!
Oxy:
I love the “branding with large P on their forehead”idea….especially since all of my life, I had written on my forehead, “psychopaths apply here”!
Rosa:
T and L, yep! Thats’ us Rosa! except when you and I drive over the cliff we end up on the right side of God. And we are telling Him that we are ever so humble, and even though we know all things are beyond our comprehension, well, the whole “psychopath” idea ? …it might not be such a good one.
Tilly:
The driving-over-the-cliff ending would NEVER happen to us.
We would make it all the way to Mexico. 🙂 🙂
P.S. You are FEISTY & FUNNY tonight. I love it!!
The information you all have provided describes his action in ways that I guess I can’t or won’t see. It does seem that he has an excuse for everything and a lot of his excuses make sense to me. His ex-wife has came down on my pretty hard about my placing most of the blame on the women that he cheated on me with. She said that’s why she can talk so openly with me. That she never blamed the women once she found out about them which was AFTER he left her for me. She’s 18 years older than me and 8 years older than the ex that is now my husband. She says that she knows how my husband is…a predator…and that these other women were targeted by him and just more victims. She has often said that he could charm the first lady out of her pants. So, she says she has never blamed the women and keeps telling me that she wants to help spare me the pain and confusion that she endured. She says that I am too young and too pretty to waste my life on him. My husband himself says that she is a good person but that she has never gotten over him and is trying to cause problems because she wants him back. I don’t think so. She’s remarried to a man that she seems very much in love with. He is giving her a wonderful life and they look very happy together in their myspace pics. She claims that she’s always been a person who has tried to help people and that it a lot of the reason that she got sucked in by my husband and ended up marrying him.
Oh, and he IS doing pretty much all the house and yard work and does cook dinner most days. He DOES make a little money playing in the band that covers his child support but that’s about it. I pay for the rest of the living expenses. He says he wants a brand new start. He was laid off from the job that he worked in the town where he was involved with the woman that he cheated on me with and says that he doesn’t want to go back there. He says he wants to start fresh in the town where I work. He has looked for work some but we live in a very rural area of the south and there’s not much work out there with the economy the way it is. On the other hand, his ex told me that he had 8 jobs during the 8 years that she was with him and that he’ll NEVER work a job where a boss is keeping a close eye on him because he uses his work time to cheat and has to have freedom to do it. Most of his past jobs have offered a lot of freedom…this is true.
It’s just so hard for me to believe that he has no conscience! He seems to be honestly sorry and ashamed of his past behavior and really wants to change. He keeps saying that he knows that if he doesn’t change…he’ll end up all alone someday and that’s the last place he wants to find himself. He’s 41 now and says it’s time for him to grow up. He says it really bothers him that everyone knows the things he has done. His ex says it only bothers him because now he’ll have to be extra careful and may not be able to target victims so easily.
I really don’t know what to believe. I have had very little experience in relationships. I married very young and was with that man for 13 years until my current husband came along and swept me off my feet. My first husband wasn’t that great, either. He had no respect for women and I’m pretty sure that he cheated on me, too. I had heard rumors many times that he had said things to women he worked with that he shouldn’t have said…getting way out of line.
My current husband’s ex says I now have another man just as bad, if not worse and that the only way I will ever see it is to get away from him and his influence so I’m not allowing him to fill my head full of lies. He says she’s just trying to split us up. She says she’s just trying to help. Sometimes, I think maybe if I didn’t communicate with her, then maybe I wouldn’t doubt him so much.