You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Oh Biddy Biddy Biddy
Cut your losses girl and get out now! I have read your posts and the last one quoting ‘maybe I wouldn’t doubt him so much’. I don’t think there’s any ‘doubt’ about this man whatsoever. He will turn on the tears, he’ll be helpful around the house and all the other things that you find appealing/endearing/that melt your heart. Why? Because you are the cash cow. While he has you in place, he doesn’t have to take responsibility for all the things he’s too lazy to do for himself. He has the stability of the secure relationship to fulfill his neediness while all the time, picking up anything else/other women (and god knows what else by the sound of it) outside of the relationship.
You’re being blindsided, hoodwinked, conned, manipulated and used – sorry to be so harsh but how can you be in any ‘doubt’ when this sub-human has already infected you with a life-threatening disease.
The ‘nice’ side is the illusion. The reality is a heartless, abusive, selfish, manipulative sociopath who feels only for himself.
Be brave and keep posting here for strength.
Biddy,
If this man has cheated on his ex wife and already has cheated on you then why do you believe that he is going to change?
He didn’t hold a job for any length of time when he was with her. He is not working now when he is with you.
He cheated on her. Now he has cheated on you.
He gave you an STD and blamed YOU that he cheated.
What is it that you see in his ACTIONS that is proving to you that this is a good man?
What has he done to treat you any better than he has her?
Promises and what he says don’t count. What has he actually done differently?
What she say (his ex) isn’t what is making you doubt him. What he says (the lies) and what he does (the opposite of what he says) is what is making you doubt him.
Look at his actions and don’t take what he says so seriously. He is lying to you. That is what she is trying to tell you. That if you step away from him and clear your head of his lies, things will look so much differently. You will see this for what it is.
Hi Biddy:) I am so glad you are back here posting again today:)xx Even though you say you are confused, I read your posts and it’s all there my lovely! You got all it all there and you are piecing the jumbled up puzzle pieces together. You seem to be a very intelligent honest hearted woman and I know you will work all this out:)
Witsend
Right on! well said.
BIDDY – by the number of comments coming back to you – can you see there are an awful lot of people here who are ‘very alarmed’ and concerned for you? I hope so. We’ve all been, if not WHERE you are, somewhere like it. None of us is an expert but we have mostly all reached the same conclusions for ourselves – that the only way out is to GET OUT – the quicker you do this FOR YOURSELF, the more damage you’ll be able limit. You say you’re 30 – well, are you going to waste the next precious 10 years of your life on someone who lies and cheats on you, has no sense of respect or responsibility for your well-being and who leeches off you financially? Well, if you want to end up with £100,000 worth of debt and have your health wrecked – do what I did and stay with him – if, however, you want a normal life with a chance of a proper balanced and loving relationship – leave this half-human monster behind and GET OUT.
Sorry to be harsh but this is potentially what’s waiting for you if you carry on, and maybe worse.
All love to you and keep posting here for strength.
As far as him saying his wife is only say these things because she wants him back… biddy do you really believe that? Going on what she has SAID and how she BEHAVES, dont you think it would be an odd thing to want? It doesnt ADD up and you KNOW it. You must look at the evidence of the behaviour in front of you and not talk yourself out of what you know in your gut to be true.
I was very angry at a friend of mine(the S/P’s best mate for over 18 years) for not telling me what this man was like! I couldnt believe he hadn’t!! But it turns out that along with being duped almost more than anyone else, he had decided not to tell me what a snake he had been in the past because he believed the S/P loved me and had CHANGED.I hope that is food for thought. These creatures DO NOT change.
We are programmed to give them the benefit of the doubt even when presented with overwhelming evidence, there is completely fascinating thread on here about that (someone help me out with which one cuz I forget), and that is HOW they can continue to operate.x
It was a subject brought up by Eternal Student on the 15th, on Oxy’s article about spotting the covert P/S in the wild. She put a link in to a blog that is REALLY helpful to read.
here is her/his post:)
“They may pass off the behavior as “Oh, that’s just John—
This illustrates a VERY important concept: People typically discount the standard behavior of a person, no matter how bad it is. Sociopaths COUNT on that; they know that if they’re jerks all the time, they paradoxically get away with it in a way they couldn’t do if they were only jerks sometimes, because people remember, and form their opinions based on, our ATYPICAL behaviors. They act as if everyone’s standard behavior is the same level of “goodness vs badness,” which works beautifully most of the time but is tragically wrong in the case of those who are markedly bad”. and, sadly, those of us who are markedly GOOD, which explains people’s bizarre lack of judging in your favor even when the sociopath has been awful and you’ve been a SAINT.
I don’t know how well I’ve explained this; I found it here
http://omniverse.blogspot.com/…..2524588861
so read that if you want to get the entire description.”
I’m really sorry to be a pain but I’ve edited an exchange between the ex and myself–to protect our identities. I shouldn’t have written her and dumped the way I was feeling on her. I later wrote her back and told her that I wasn’t feeling well that day and was extremely irritable due to PMS. I would like to get your opinions on whether you feel this woman is just trying to cause problems or if she is really coming from a sincere place. She knows one of the women that he cheated on me with but only because the woman sought her out. They later talked and I have talked to the woman, as well. I know that what she says about the other woman is ture…even my husband has admitted it. Here’s the conversation. I hope it isn’t too long but I just really can’t figure out who I should trust…her or my husband!
—————– Original Message —————–
From: Biddy
To: Ex-wife
Date: Jun 25, 2009 10:34 AM
Subject: RE: Oh yeah…
Can I ask you a question? Do you think I made a mistake by marrying him? Do you think he will change or has changed? I think I have proved to him that I love him by leaps and bounds and that I would stand behind him no matter what. Do you think that means anything to him at all or do you think he thinks I’m a push over that that he can just string along? He says he loves me beyond belief and has never stayed with a woman with all the crap that we have been through together but he feels he loves me enough to make it work. He said he saw the other woman because he was ready to kill himself because he couldn’t handle our roller coaster realtionship and she helped him get through and that she was the only positive in his life at the time and he really needed someone to talk to and it just led to sex. He said it was a mistake and a regret but he was glad that it happened because it taught him a lesson. Do you beleive that honestly?
From: The Ex Wife
To: Biddy
Date: Jun 25, 2009 12:13 PM
Subject: RE: Oh yeah…
Well….I may very well be the wrong person to answer that question. I will tell you this. He kept following the woman he cheated on with you around and trying to talk to her. She didn’t pay him much mind because she was already talking to that other guy and she and her hsuband were already heading for divorce court. She said that she finally asked your husband (live-in boyfriend at the time) what he wanted and he told her “sex”. The woman said she knew that it sounded horrible that she said to herself “okay, why not?” but she said that she just really didn’t have a lot of respect for herself at the time. He didn’t approach her telling her that he needed a friend, etc. He told her straight out what he wanted and then after a few times of having sex…he started telling her that he loved her and she believed that she loved him, too. And, you know something else…God…I hate to admit this but he just has a way about him. He pursued me off and on for a year and a half–I was just too stupid to realize that’s what he was doing. I, like her, was in a marriage that was long over with for years! One day, your husband finally made his move…chased me around the island in my kitchen wanting “just a kiss”. I kept refusing and asked him what was wrong with him…he said “I’m sex crazy”. Girlfriend! That should have been my FIRST red flag. He kept on and on wanting “just a kiss” and I finally said I’d give him “just a peck”…actually to get rid of him! For some reason, the way he approached me didn’t scare me…it flattered me…but I think it was because I was at an all-time low in my life. He knows how to zoom in on women in that state of mind somehow. The woman he cheated on you with was at an all-time low in her life, too.
All I have to base what he might or might not do is his past and my own experience with him. However, I have picked up on some things that you’ve said that would have set red flags off if I were you. But it wouldn’t have set anything off when I was with him because I was so caught up in what I thought I had with him. And, I will tell you this…he hasn’t made you any promises that you’ve shared with me that he didn’t make to me, too. And, I say this as God as my witness!
If you want me to give you examples of what I consider to be red flags that you should have picked up on…I will.
From: Biddy
To: Ex-wife
Date: Jun 25, 2009 10:34 AM
Subject: RE: Oh yeah…
What are the red flags you are picking up on?
From: Ex-wfe
To: Biddy
Date: June 25, 2009 1:13 AM
Subject: RE: Oh yeah”
Well…let’s see…I’ve picked up on a lot in the language that you use:
–You always say that you “hope” he “will” change. Yet you went ahead and married him. I wish you could have waited until you were absolutely CERTAIN that he had changed.
–You allowed him to convince you that his cheating was YOUR fault and because you wouldn’t commit to him or marry him. That was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard of. I don’t care what you were doing and if you were threatening to leave every hour…he should have been on his hands and knees begging you instead of sleeping with other women and telling one, that we know of for sure, how much he loved her and for her to just hang in there and wait on him. If he had of needed that SO badly from YOU–his only true love–he would have focused ALL his energy on YOU and getting a commitment from you…not other women. This leads to the next flag.
–He’s expressed his terrible fear of being alone. Everyone does to a certain extent but his is WAY extreme. Its puts the woman he’s with in a terrible position. It’s like you know that if he feels the least little bit threatened (by things that the normal person doesn’t feel threatened by) that he may cheat or leave you. Even though, YOU as a NORMAL person, knows that you are doing everything in your power to make him feel secure.
–He’s done nothing to try to grow up…like seek steady work so that he can give you a better less stressful life. This shows his lack of concern or respect for you. He still seems to think that love and sex are all a couple needs to survive…NOT! And, look out, if you start to feel too stressed about finances and put a little pressure on him, he’ll accuse you of being “materialistic” even if you’re worried about money to pay the electric bill!
–He includes his mother in the relationship too much. He declares a great love for his mother so he uses her to make promises of faithfulness and treating you right to. Or, he’ll swear on her life. He did that with me. Made me sick. I wanted him to hold himself accountable to ME and only me…what did SHE have to do with it? He’s over 40 years old! Bottom line, she doesn’t give a shit what he does. Whatever he does will be alright with her in the end. All he has to do is tell her that he’s unhappy and that this or that (possibly a woman) makes him happy and that’s fine by her. He took me right over there to meet her…insisted that I go…even though he was still living with his wife! And, when his wife struck out at him over me…with good reason…it was SHE that was the problem in his mother’s eyes. His mother never had another word to say to her although she had treated her just as much like family as she once did me and now you. I’ve told you that you can’t trust ANY of them! And, it came very clear to me during my marriage to him that his mother is the reasons behind ALL his problems! It’s not his dad! He knows that his dad disapproves of his lifestyle and that’s why he doesn’t like being around him. And, I’m still not so sure that his dad even molested him! It just never added up.
–From what you say…he’s still just as “needy” as ever and feels that he deserves to have his needs fulfilled. But like you said…what about yours?
It’s hard for me to do this without adding my own 2 cents. I just about have to base the behavior of him that you describe on the behavior that I, too, witnessed out of him. BUT, I can tell that by what you say very little about him has changed so I would have to doubt other changes that he has promised to make. Understand what I’m saying? I mean, stop and really think about it! And, where does he get off telling you that he never stayed with any other woman through what you all have been through? He gave you two STDS! He didn’t stay with any of the others because they threw him out when they caught him cheating or he up and left them for somebody else! If I think of more, I’ll let you know. He has a way of twisting the mind of the woman that loves him. It’s almost like he brainwashes us or has us under some kind of spell or something. I can’t really explain it but whatever it is, it makes us believe everything he tells us. He’s SO convincing and loving even when he’s out doing just horrible things behind our backs.
Please don’t go home and fight with him about things that I say. You have to use your own judgment. But you know what I really think will happen someday? I think you’re going to grow tired of tending to his neediness and fearing that he’s going to get someone else all the time and it will be YOU that bails. I can’t say when or how it will happen but that’s what I think will come to pass someday. I think you’re going to wake up and find that you’re no longer happy with the situation. That’s just what I think. A man like him wears on a person and sooner or later…it starts to get old.
I’ve just had a quick read through and this woman seems genuine and objective caring and intelligent. I dont get a sniff of malice or triumph over you. She SO has his number. You MUST see that.
I think that most of the posters who have responded here have said exactly the same thing – and believe me biddy we are NOT trying to get back with you husband. Like Rosa says, what you are experiencing is cognative dissonance. Read about it and start work:)x
P.S you are not being a ‘pain’, you are being extremely open and honest and its completely fine.x