You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
‘”“You allowed him to convince you that his cheating was YOUR fault and because you wouldn’t commit to him or marry him. That was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard of. I don’t care what you were doing and if you were threatening to leave every hour”he should have been on his hands and knees begging you instead of sleeping with other women and telling one, that we know of for sure, how much he loved her and for her to just hang in there and wait on him. If he had of needed that SO badly from YOU”“his only true love”“he would have focused ALL his energy on YOU and getting a commitment from you”not other women.’ YOU KNOW SHE IS RIGHT HERE DONT YOU?! YOU CANNOT LOVE SOME AND DO WHAT HE DID! YOU SIMPLY CANNOT!
Also biddy you CAN write to her, she, like us here is indicating to you strongly that you CAN. You are not dumping your stuff on anyone, you are asking for help in understanding WTF is going on in your life. It is okay to do that!! (I just recently learnt that:)
‘he said it was a mistake and a regret but he was glad that it happened because it taught him a lesson. Do you beleive that honestly?’
Question is DO YOU biddy. Christ girl you wouldn’t be asking if you did… trust yourself and your instincts.
Biddy:
In one of my other posts, I told you that what your husband is telling you is NOT what he is SHOWING you. And actions speak louder than words, right?
The same applies to you, Biddy.
You keep saying in your posts how much you love your husband, and how much he helps around the house, etc.
But, for some reason, you are here at LoveFraud seeking advice.
You are skeptical about his ex-wife’s motives, but you keep contacting her.
Your words do NOT match your actions, either.
This contradiction is telling me something.
YOU KNOW, BIDDY!!! DEEP DOWN, IN YOUR GUT, YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT YOU ARE MARRIED TO A SON-OF-A-BITCH!!
The thing is, if you ACCEPT what you ALREADY KNOW (and deep down, you know you are with a disordered individual), and get out of DENIAL, you will have to take ACTION of some sort. And right now, you are afraid/reluctant to take action, for whatever reason. (I just paraphrased some advice that OxDrover gave me a while back, but I think it also applies to you, Biddy).
I read the correspondence between you and the ex-wife. To me, she seems completely honest & sincere. She has no alterior motives, from what I can see.
In fact, she is acting as your “Guardian Angel” through all of this. You should be thanking her for all that she has done for you. Not every ex-wife would be this forthcoming and helpful.
Your husband does not want you talking to her, because he knows she’s got his number.
Biddy,
This woman is saying things you already know.
She is not lying. He is lying when he says he will change.
He lies to you because you are his meal ticket. That is why he had the woman “waiting in the wings” as well. Someone has to take care of his needs, if not you then her.
No one can convince you to get out of this relationship. It is a decision only you can make.
You will never have a true partnership with this man. If he cheated on you so early in your relationship you will endure YEARS of the same treatment if you stay. You will also be the head breadwinner in the relationship. He might get a job every once in awile but the jobs will come and go. MOSTLY it will be you working and taking “care” of him.
This is his pattern. He is 40 years old and this is what he does.
And it worked for him in the past and it is WORKING for him now.
So understand that your relationship will consist of him having his “needs” met and it will be your JOB to fufill them whatever they may be. That will be your relationship. He has even told you that in his own words.
If you do ONE thing for yourself, if you choose to stay in this relationship, (I pray that you don’t) but if you do…..DO NOT have a child with this man.
I read the post about sociopaths changing as they get older. DON”T believe it! The one I am involved with is 63 yo and I am the 3rd woman he has done this to that I know of. I am sure there are more. He is looking for the next one now. I haven’t lived with him in a year and he was in prison part of that time. I am filing for an annulment of the marriage for fraud. He didn’t tell me about his legal problems. He is wanting to come back now because he has no place to go but I am sure that he would only stay long enough to find someone else to leave with and he can do that from where he is. Age doesn’t make them better it just makes them slower.
Witsend and all,- Just wanted to say Hi I hope you are doing well. I took a break from computer for awhile to get some much needed work done and R&R as well.
Great advice to Biddy. Of course, I agree wholeheartedly as this situation is very “cookie cutter” to the crazy making we have all endured here on LF.
You really dont see how much peace and contentment you are giving up by being a part of these idiots “self induced” life sentences. The incarceration that you find yourself in can not effectively be realized (at least for me it wasn’t) until NOW- when they are truly GONE. Almost a year n/c later, as the drama FINALLY has subsided- I realize the air around me is lighter, less filled with tension, insecurity, and fear of the unknown.
Deep down, I was always in fear of the moment the shoe would drop, so to speak. I never knew what was going to happen, but the stress of the distrust, gut renching uneasiness my spirit had became accustomed to- like a disease spreading into every fiber of my being was sutley there.
Now, I can’t believe that at the time, I thought all the “unrest” my spirit consistently endured was WORTH it. That is part of the fog. At the time, It never occured to me that I HAD A CHOICE. THe P makes your wishes, your security, your precious life NULL and VOID. It is truly brainwashing of the worst kind. The P makes you get into the place that you think you need him , when that is the LIE. In fact, he needs you- his supply- to accomplish his demonic plans of destruction. Then when you have no more to give, he has seemingly taken your soul- he will leave you without looking back.
You can not put a price on the GOd given peace that we can have by being in the light- not in the darkness. I now realize that I am free to focus on my journey that God wants for me as “old things are passed away”.
Our God is not the author of confusion- He says “my peace I leave with you.” xoxo,
Heres another….
You must be LOYAL to me at all times, although I do not earn it by being loyal. Disloyalty on your part is violation of any commandment already stated, any I make up in the future, (even if you don’t know them), or any action that can possibly be perceived by me as disloyalty, (which is anything, depending on my mood, desire to devalue you, or need to find an excuse to misbehave, spend, drink, or commit adultery).
Respect will be given to me even though I do nothing to earn it. You on the other hand must earn respect, (in the outside world that is, because no one earns mine.)
…Just thought I would add my two cents worth based on my experience.
Sabrina,
Good to hear from you! I hope you are doing well and “getting out” a bit and having some fun.
I have been trying to focus more on my work to and yet I still find myself coming here (often) reading and “taking in” alot.
I haven’t “talked” much here about my son lately. I am still laboring over the issues he presents and really trying to figure out if there is anything that could “help” him. We went through that 6 week program. Parenting With Love & Limit.
I am trying to look closely at his interactions with other people and also trying to take my emotion out of the picture when I look at the “big picture” of him.
My father in law stopped by today and he said something VERY interesting to me. We were talking about my son and he said that he and my MIL have had many discussions about my son and that I shouldn’t blame myself as he is “just like his father”. He has NEVER spoken to me seriously about my son or any of the issues I have told them about. And what I have told them is VERY little.
AND of course they are not talking about a personality disorder or Bi Polar or anything like an S/P/N as this has never been mentioned EVER with these people. And they don’t know the HALF of what my son is really like anyways. They were refering to his “know it all” attitude and his doing things his way….The arguing about everything and always wanting to right, etc. These are some of the things I have shared with them at different times. (not the really scarey stuff, that I am REALLY concerned about) However when he said that I was really curious about what he meant exactly? He RARELY if ever says anything about his son (my sons father) that isn’t almost in a “sacred” way. (because he is deceased)
I found the remark to be unlike him and really made me wonder what he meant deep down.
My MIL is the queen of denial with her own son (and always has been) so I pick very carefully what I choose to tell them. Most of what I have told my mother in law in the past has been used against me!
What I feel like I want to do is just get on with my life with my husband. The ex keeps insisting that he is a sociopath and will NEVER change. She even defends his “back-up” woman that he cheated on me with and says that she was just a victim like every other woman…including me. I’ve also considered telling the woman’s husband what she did because I don’t think it’s fair that I have to suffer while she goes one with her life as though nothing has happened. I think if I stop talking to the ex about him that everything will die down and we’ll be able to get on with our lives. I really don’t feel that he is an incurable sociopath, I see him as a man with a very good heart that his ex never really knew and am willing to stand by him if for no other reason than he is a friend as well as my husband. He has told me that he never felt like he could be himself with the ex and open up to her. He says he’s totally comfortable with me and has been totally honest with me about the things he has done in his life against me and all the other women including the ex that talks to me. He said this is why he felt he could discuss his issues with me. Other people who were close to him and his ex have told me that she never really knew him. When I wrote and told her this, she got pretty upset and told me that I was right and that she didn’t ever really know him and if she had of she wouldn’t have given him a half second of her time much less 8 years of her life. I think he really just feels insecure and needs a lot of attention because he had some problems during his childhood.