You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Biddy, I am not reaching out to my ex’s new lover because I am afraid her reaction will be similar to yours. I can only say that I thought in my arrogance that he’d changed, learned from previous mistakes and will now be different. Right!!! Hire a Pi if you wonder, have him tracked at all times while he’s not with you and check his computer. you might quickly find what the ex is warning you against.
I have now entered a different stage: I am sorry for the woman he’s with now. It is fine to be with a two year old, but to feel that your adult partner has the mentality and emotional needs of a two year old is a huge burden to take on. Sorry for my directness, but such a guy is bound to run at the first sign of a serious problems. So, you will forever wonder if he’s truthful, honest, and loyal. And history may repeat itself. Also, each one of us is special, but the cynic in me wonders if he has truly recognized how special you are. Mine had two women on the side ALWAYS, in case he got kicked out. At all times, the man had willing Motherly women, ready to bestow their love on him in recognition of his child-like needs. I have never known such disrespect, while he was the first one to point out the guilt of cheaters…
Biddy,
Ah, nothing quite like a good competition.
Your husband is freaking BRILLIANT! He has cleverly tapped into your COMPETITIVE side. You are competing with his ex wife to prove you are better than her, that YOU are more understanding than her, that YOU are the one who knows him better than she ever could have, that YOU are the one he will be HONEST with, that YOU and not her OR all those other women are the ONE and ONLY woman he will remain FAITHFUL to and LOYAL to and LOVE and ALL you have to do is be the one woman who KNOWS him and UNDERSTANDS him and ACCEPTS him WARTS AND ALL and do backflips in the understanding and tolerating all kinds of horrible crap (read infidelities and std’s and unemployment with you supporting his ass and heaven knows what else).
BUT No one can understand and love him like YOU do, he can’t be honest with anyone else like he can with YOU, if you knock yourself out being LOYAL to him and UNDERSTANDING of him and (fill in the blanks) of him, then HE will be FAITHFUL to YOU. You are the SPECIAL one.
SO compete away Biddy and he has carte blanche to do whatever the hell he wants because you are so busy understanding him so you can hang onto him. Sorry for the bluntness but I KNOW THIS GAME WELL because my ex played it with me too and like you I fell for the bullshit hook line and sinker for the longest.
But like me, I imagine it is gonna take you a good long while to see the light and I know you will reach the light in your own time. So, I’ll just keep you in my prayers. Jenn
Biddy, a good man in love does not talk about HIS needs. He is anxious to please you. He wants to do things for you. His greatest joy is seeing you laugh. For both of you, the other person’s needs are ALMOST as important to you as your own.
You are capable of that kind of love.
But he isn’t. For him, it is all about what you can give to him. It is not about what he can give to you.
He seems more like your child than your husband.
These bad men get us off on the wrong track, saying “look over here” when the real issue is somewhere else.
He didn’t cheat because of what you did. He cheated because he IS sex crazy. He cheated because he wanted sex and he didn’t care about the impact on anyone but him.
My mom was not perfect by a long shot. But she gave me one good piece of advice. “If you have to ask yourself does he really love me, the answer is no.”
There is no smoke without a fire. if I had been forewarned about my ex by his relatives, I would have given it a much more serious consideration. While my relatives warned me, I ignored them because they had no history, but had I heard any of his real history, it would have at least put a doubt in my mind. I am not sure who wants to live with doubts in their mind, but I can say this much: not me!!
My ex was great and put me first. That is, when we were together. pathological lying got him all he ever thought he wanted. When I caught him, he shed the “caring” mask and boy did I see the ugliness. That lack of humanity that generations have noticed and we continue to ignore…
None of us are perfect. But, if he really wanted to prove to you that he was a worthy someone, he’d be working, staying away from women and sex (including you) and showing how responsible and trustworthy he’s become. Many of us in our responses to your post, note how much alike these creatures are. I just hope you are not going to waste your life looking through the rose colored glasses. Life is too precious to live in denial and a make belief. And – if he were that great, he would not hurt any of these other women. The relationships I have had with NON-Ps have all turned into friendships, long lasting, mutually respectful adult friendships. I would not ever contact my ex non-Ps’ wives and girlfriends to warn them. It simply did not work out between us, I wish them well and from time to time, I can call and chat and exchange ideas, and most of their partners are ok with this.
So, ask yourself HOW MUCH does one have to hurt to keep trying to open your eyes so that you will be the sward of justice? Sorry, we’ve all been saying things you probably did not want to hear. Some of us are less blunt, some are regrettably more so (me), but we do share the same pain and don’t wish it to another (besides the Ps who may not even have the capacity to feel such pain anyway).
Biddy,
I find it amazing that you want to tell the other womans husband about the affair because it isn’t fair that you should suffer and she can just go on as if nothing happened. (what about your husband going on as if nothing has happened)
Your suffering was caused by your husband cheating on you, why is she the one you hold accountable instead of him?
And it is amazing that you think if you stop talking to his Ex wife that “all will die down”, as if she is the “root” of your problems in your marriage. She really is just giving you fair warning. You are asking the questions….So their must be doubt on your account to even ask the questions. She is not the bad guy here she is only the messenger.
And what is really amazing is that after he cheats ON both his ex wife and you his new wife, you are willing to believe that (he is ok) but these women are the “problem”.
Even though he is the one who created all this pain, Just because HE said he is comfortable with you and can discuss with you his issues, it is all going to be ok….
WOW…..He really has done a number on you……The reason his Ex wife sees the other women as victims is that she does know him better than you do. She puts the blame on him where it BELONGS. Not on the other woman. And someday you will understand exactly where she is coming from.
I hope for your sake sooner than later…..
Keep coming back here and keep posting. The next thing he will likely do is isolate you from your friends and family. You will need the support here.
I don’t find it amazing, because I was just as blind when I was in the FOG. But I know what you mean, of course, witsend. You have a great way of cutting through the FOG and pointing out what is off! I didn’t pick up on all that. Sigh. But you are absolutely right.
Biddy, you will face it when you can face it. We’ve all been there, and just know the longer you are in the FOG the more damage that is done, and the more it hurts.
Good for you being here!
Biddy, your last sentence of your post made me cry with grief for you. If you really mean it, you are in for the rollercoaster ride of your life.
You wrote, “I think he really just feels insecure and needs a lot of attention because he had some problems during his childhood.”
Your hubby’s ex is trying to warn you because she DOES know him.
I haven’t even met him but I know him too.
Most important your last statement is the EXACT SAME one that hooked me into 46.5 years of trapped lion’s den hell before I could escape. (He is now 73 and was only 20 when I married him. He NEVER changed — just got worse and worse. My love and caring about him didn’t make a single dent!!
PLEASE change your mind before it is really too late!!
Biddy, I feel sorry for you. Like everyone else here, I understand where you are and why you feel the way you do. We’ve all been there.
If you have the money, please consider buying the book, “Women Who Love Sociopaths.” You can find it on Amazon. Skip the first section, which is about sociiopaths, and just go on to the second section. That is about the women and their relationships. It’s based on recent research, which included a lot of us.
It will describe the type of woman that gets involved in these relationships — which will actually make you feel good about yourself. We’re a smart, loving, competent group. But more valuable to you, there is a detailed description of the pattern of these relationships. How they progress. What happens.
You’re in the early stage, which is why you feel so committed. You’re just starting to deal with painful realities, but they’re not bad enough to overcome your love and commitment. You’re getting enough of what you need from him and he’s made you feel responsible for him. You feel like you’re really bonded.
I don’t think anything we can say to you right now is going to make a difference. It wouldn’t have made a difference with most of us in that stage.
But here’s what you’re future looks like. It’s going to get more painful. You going to deal with more betrayals. You’re going to be confused because you feel like you love him so much, and you’re not going to leave him when you should leave him. He’s going to became more abusive, blaming you for everything he does, everything that’s wrong with the relationship. If you’re lucky, it will only be verbal. He will impoverish you. He sabotage you and teach you to sabotage yourself. He will teach you to hate yourself.
And when the emotional pain gets massive enough, you’ll leave. Or he’ll leave when he finds a better mark. Or he’ll find a way to get rid of you, stealing whatever you have left in the process.
Right now, all you’ve lost is your savings, and arguably your self-defensive instincts. Believe me, you have a lot more to lose. And if I ended this letter just asking everyone who reads it to chime in whether or not this describes there experience with someone just like your husband (because we all recognize this guy from your description), just with “yes, it happened to me” or “me too,” perhaps the sheer number of us might make a dent in your thinking.
We can’t make you take care of your self. You have do that. And you will do it, sooner or later. We just hope for your sake it’s sooner.
In the meantime, please, if you can’t do anything else, just start asking yourself this question on a daily basis: “Is this good for me?” Just that.
And I’ll start this.
It happened to me. I lost two homes. My business. My health. All the money I had. By the time it ended, I couldn’t speak to anyone without crying and I was so ashamed I couldn’t even look anyone in the eye. It ended five years ago, and it took me three three years to even begin to get emotionally stable again.
Kathy
‘Biddy,
Ah, nothing quite like a good competition.
Your husband is freaking BRILLIANT! He has cleverly tapped into your COMPETITIVE side.’
BINGO JEN! I regognise this pattern of behaviour with the slime ball I was in a relationship with.
I couldnt understand it at the time, WHY he would TELL me that other women wanted more from him than just friendship (i’d think if that is case why dont you just ‘move away from her’ if a guy was coming on to me while I was commited to you I would put them straight, enough said!) He would complain about how mean his ex wife was to him, but then I’d get e-mails from her which indicated that he had disgussed with this ‘terrible”hateful’ woman things we had talked about in private. The back up girl he moved on to he made accidentaly available to me, so I could see her, and he discussed me with her, he told ME that she was nothing, just sex and that I was the love of his life, BUT her that she was his lover and that I was just crazy and abusive and having a tough time ‘getting over’ him, but he still wanted to stay in touch beccause he ‘CARED’ about what happend to me! (in actual fact he was trying to come here and stay with me, and the thing he was after was sex and sowing seeds of worry and jealousy within her.) At first I thought why would you do all this? you have a new girl now. why even talk to her about me? why talk to me about her?? Then after I realised what he is, the fog cleared and the penny dropped… he plays off his ‘HAREM’ against each other!! It’s just one of his favourite FUN games!