You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Kathy,
I Love the way you are able to carry through the meaning, and your absolute understanding of what one is going through. Yes, It happened to me. if not for my kids, I’d still be in the mess. I was absolutely convinced that I could not function without him and that was part of the Fog and surely part of the emotional abuse. It took some time to realize that I had been doing it all all along, and that he had only manipulated me to think otherwise.
Yeap, Blueskies, and how about “I only went there to get some reassurance that I was worthy as a human being” after “she’s fat and ugly” did not work?
The love of my life said: “I hate you all bitches”, when I finally pressed on. that about sums it up. We are the feeding machines to their glory. I bet he’s got a lot of laughs putting us one up against another and to Biddy it may seem that hers is different, and that hers wont’ do this.
Biddy, whatever you choose to do, please, do not confront him with your suspicions of what he is. Do not urge him to seek treatment. At 40 it is too late, and even if he agrees, it’ll only teach him the tricks of further abusing me. in my sad story, I brought on the vengeance from hell and am now losing thousands and thousands of dollars he did not suck out of me through the legal channels.
“further abusing” me is a Freudian slip. It should be “further abusing you”. Tells ya enough.
Oh Biddy It makes me sad too to hear you say ‘I think he really just feels insecure and needs a lot of attention because he had some problems during his childhood.’:( Even with everything you know. But I have said it before, this is your road to travel… just know that we will ALWAYS be here with NOTHING but YOUR best interest at heart.x
I also want to comment on this:
‘Other people who were close to him and his ex have told me that she never really knew him.’
I think you are cutting and sticking this information from other people into your pretty picture book to suite yourself(or him actually – look he must be rubbing his hands together with glee as you busily re-arrange the picture of him into something prettier and he doesnt have to DO anything)
I believe these people are saying they never really KNEW him becuasse he presents everyone with a FANTASY and imaginary man, a mirror… then when the smoke screen slips, they realise that they have been in a friendship/realtionship with someone who DID NOT EXIST and therefore they DONT know him. You see how it is once again being spun into some kind of blame on them, because THEY didnt understand him?! It’s not the case at all!
PLEASE read about cognitive dissonance, PLEASE read the stories and articles on here (are there any that have been particularly helpful so far?) the books that have been recommended to you and keep on posting!:)xxxx
PInow says: Biddy, whatever you choose to do, please, do not confront him with your suspicions of what he is.
This is absolutely crucial. Looking back, I think things got a hell of a lot worse for me once he started picking up that I was smelling rats(I didnt KNOW for sure untill after the event), when I started , in my confusion, to question his behaviour his behaviour became even MORE crazy making… he seemed to recognise that in order to keep me doubting myself ( and maybe to destroy me because he sensed I was close to ‘seeing” what he REALLY was) he would have to make me feel EVEN worse, EVEN weaker, isolate me further, and feel like I was going crazy…
Pinow also says (she’s goood;)xx
‘The relationships I have had with NON-Ps have all turned into friendships, long lasting, mutually respectful adult friendships. I would not ever contact my ex non-Ps’ wives and girlfriends to warn them. It simply did not work out between us, I wish them well and from time to time, I can call and chat and exchange ideas, and most of their partners are ok with this.’
This is my experience too. This is something to think about.
I have had significant relationships with people that unfortunately broke down, but I have friendly to great freindships with them, one of my ex’s is my best friend,and there would NEVER be a reason for me to want to WARN the next girlfriend about any of them and I never had WARNINGS about them either.
Now with the S/ P I was warned by his ex-wife and have subsequently felt compelled to warn his new victim. This is not evidence of me or his wife being wacko, this is evidence of their being a fire beneath the smoke.
Biddy, I’m pretty sure that you had even made up your mind to stay with him when you first posted. Now, you might not even be reading any more.
But, it is the middle of the night (West coast) and I am thinking about you. I’m wondering if the fact that you don’t have money to move the trailer house off your MIL’s property is a hinderance to leaving?
You said that you and your first husband have remained friends. Is it possible for you to swallow your pride and ask him to help you move it to another location?
Hmmm. This may not work because you aren’t yet at the point to realize (or admit) you made a mistake, are you?
How about family members or friends — or getting a credit card?
No? I agree with whoever mentioned that you get the book, “Women Who Love Psychopaths.” I found Chapter 5 to be the most helpful to me to explain why my Ex targetted me — and I fell for it.
I was TOO kind, TOO sympathic, TOO everything == all things good with a NORMAL man who had the capacity to love me as a husband should. Mine SAID he loved me all the time but his actions PROVED he didn’t. Later, I learned that he didn’t even have the capacity to love anyone but himself.
All of us survivors on this board are good, kind, and loving people. Your husband’s EX sounds she has the same good qualities or she wouldn’t even be trying to warn you — now that you have asked her.
I wanted to warn my Ex’s new “victim” but I’m glad I didn’t because I had been told she wouldn’t believe me anyway, that I was still wanting him back (YUK), that I was just trying to ruin their relationship. BUT, I can tell you that if she ever comes asking me questions when the FOG clears for her, I’ll be telling her the same things your husband’s EX is telling you!
They (the bad guys) may be different in stature, vocation, educational level, etc., but INSIDE they are all the same — disordered souls who bring chaos into the lives everyone who loves them — sooner or later, usually later after you have been hooked.
In another group, it was “decided” that there must be a “factory” on some distant planet that manufactures them and then sends them to earth to torment us.
Biddy, that’s why all of us who have “been there, done that” can recognize that you are in a very bad marriage. GET OUT!
I’ve also considered telling the woman’s husband what she did because I don’t think it’s fair that I have to suffer while she goes one with her life as though nothing has happened.
You think its not fair that you suffer while she goes on with her life?
You DONT have to suffer any further at all, you DONT have to be in a relationship with a man who cheats (yes CHEATS, I’d place a bet that if, like someone here said, you check his movements or computer you might find he has NOT changed in that respect).
WHY would you want to waste your energy on trying to ruin this woman’s life?She is probably doing a good enough job of it already. It wont change who your husband is or what HE HAS DONE to you.
Even if she disappeared there will be another, and another(you can bet your bottom dollar) and the common denominator will be?………………… fill in the blank.
You are blaming this woman and even wanting revenge, holding her accountable for your husbands behaviour, while letting him off the hook and even seeing it as some kind of adorable ‘weakness’ in him that you can make better. this just doesnt make sense.
I DO understand how you are feeling though…he has you dancing to his twisted tune all over the place:(
I see from your post that you are resigned to stay and brave it out with him and I am so sorry to hear that, but others are right, sooner or later you will be on the other side of this and realising that EVERYTHING his wife said is completely TRUE.
P.S it took me a YEAR after the Ex wife contacted me with a whole load of toe curling facts about him to realise that every word of it was true, by which time I had been utterly destroyed.
I don’t know why I can’t make the connection here. It’s just that when I read what sociopaths are, he just doesn’t seem to fit. I guess you’d just have to see what a good heart that he really has. When you say that he is only thinking of himself…how can he do that and be so kind and considerate to me and his friends? His ex says that he’s always wanted to appear to be Mr. Nice Guy because it helps him with his cover. She also has referred to him as a drama king. She says that his attention needs will soon consume my very soul. He has never expressed a lot of anger towards me. He treats me very well…now and says that we just got off to a very bad start and that he should have opened up to me a long time ago about his problems. Is there a chance that he is just suffering from an addiction to sex? I see these people on TV all the time and couples are working through it. Does THAT make him a full blown sociopath? Yes, he’s needy and he’s childish. His mother walked out of his life suddenly when he was a child…leaving a cheating father behind. He didn’t even know where she was and felt that it was his fault that she’d left because maybe he’d been bad. They soon reunited but he said that it was very traumatic for him and feels this is what is behind is insecurity…his brother shows a lot of the same insecurity. Also, my husband’s father molested him during this time. He said it was totally out of character for his father because they were just like any other family but that his father lost his mind there for awhile after his mother left. I’m trying so hard to figure out if he is indeed a victim of circumstances or if it is ME who is a victim like his ex keeps telling me. Also, I forgot to mention that his mother put the portion of the land that our house is on in his and my name. She told him now that we were married, it was mine, too. However, our land is surrounded by her property…it’s a middle tract.
Sometimes I wake up still, Missing him and questioning if I am sane to have diagnosed my ex as this crippled being. I miss his touch, his smile, his eagerness to please. I turn to LF to read articles, posts, questions, and it brings me back to reality. I have put my Ex through hell. I was getting over another one, and he was “there for me”, giving me “advise” (that had all proven to serve only him at the end), and taking on the emotional care of a wounded soul (to wound it to the point of where I am now). My kids reported to me, that when my car would pull up into the garage and he heard the door open, he’d quickly run for the broom. The act began with my return, so that all I saw was sweet and good, weekly flowers and a lot of caring love words (words only they were). If not for my kids, I would have probably still been in the dark as to what dangerous animal I’ve decided to share my bed with. And they too fell for him at first, and the first of three years was truly glorious, full of kindness and warmth through and through. (of course, I provided financial “support”). It got to the point, where I’d thank him profusely for even doing the dishes, while I was charged with supporting the family, making financial decisions (his was always to get into savings, and I was jut not going to live like that), cooking, and child care. It seemed washing the dishes would have been the least he could contribute. But, he had my mind so warped, that I believed that my success was all due to his presence and ever lasting love. I still recall the growing feeling that things did not compute. We are used to believing that the words we hear are sincere. That is why our minds cannot process when they “hear” one thing, and experience something totally different.
I think you’ve read enough from us. Is he seeing a therapist for Sex Addiction? your love alone won’t save a sex addict. What steps is he actually taking as opposed to “says he’s taking” to a recovery?
Another thought is this: however bad our childhood memories are, it is our job to heal, not the other persons’. They may be there to support us, to remind us that it’s in the past, to guide and set an example, but not parent us and not take on our pain. Sociopath or not, I don’t trust your hub by the words you’ve used to describe him. He sounds much like the rest of our tormentors. And- so many of them are so kind and nice when it fits them to be. Good luck to you.