You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Biddy,
My P-son sent a “Trojan Horse” psychopath to infiltrate our family (because my son is in prison for murder) and this ex-cell mate of his rented a house from me and then started to be sooooo nice to us. My elderly mother was getting to where she needed someone around all the time, and this man volunteered to do that and moved in with her (where he started to drug her and turn her against me) all the while conspiring with my son in prison to convince my mother that I was EVIL and after her money (which I have never taken a dime) anyway, the next thing the Trojan Horse did was to start an affair with my other son’s wife (she was also a P) and get her in on the con game—before long they had convinced my mother to put $50,000 into an account in the name of my son and DIL…when my son C found out jabout the affair (my P-son knew and approved of it) he offered to go to counseling with his then wife and “work it out”—-well, she didn’t want to work it out, she and her BF decided to make it look like they had to kill him in “self defense”—thank GOD it didn’t work out and the two of them went to prison/jail….after stealing the $$ in the account and buying guns jto kill my son with.\
When they were arrested my mother said “I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND IT, THEY WERE ALWAYS SO NICE AND RESPECTFUL TO ME.” DUH!!! Were they going to be nasty to her and get her to give them money and opportunity? Of course you are “nice to” the person you are trying to CON! That is how you con them. If you slapped them in the face they wouldn’t fall for your con game and give you money or whatever else it is that they want from you. It is obvious to me anyway, that your husband wants a roof over his head that he doesn’t have to get a job to have.
Do you think he would slap you around or screw around and willingly let you know about it? Of course not, because you’d chunk his sorry arse out on the street, so he PRETENDS TO BE SWEET, and I will bet you the farm he is already out looking for another woman when you are at work.
Tigers DO NOT CHANGE THEIR STRIPES.
Hold the phone biddy – ‘your read what sociopaths are but it doesnt seem to fit?’ Honey, where are you reading? are you reading here? what people who have actually experienced them are telling you? Sigh!
I too wish good luck to you and send you lots of love.xxx
Question to all: is there any legal action we can take against them? what are the options? I keep thinking that there has got to be something I can do for the emotional damage. I have looked up coercion and extortion, but it seems it has to be large $$$ with lots of proof. There is absolutely no care in the legal system about the emotional abuse. Maybe, I am overlooking something?
PInow, I am sure others will jump in here, but I am pretty sure it would be difficult. I have recently looked into trying to take legal action for the P/S accessing my credit report with out consent and the answer is: dont bother, even though its illiegal in the US, from over the pond there’s not much to be done. They creep I knew is on the child abuse register in one state and is practicing as an NP in another, I have contacted his superiors and they dont want to know. He was sexually innapropriate towards my daughter, and there is nothing I could do even with her testimony legally. We see murders and rapsits ‘get off’ with light sentences all the time… women subjected to years of violent abuse and their husbands get a wrap on the knuckles… I am aware I am sounding defeatist!:)x I look forward to hearing if there ARE any options.xx
Dear Biddy,
Im sorry for the turmoil you are experiencing in your life. I wrote to you last night after your post about “just wanting to get on with your life with your husband”… my computer froze as I was trying to post it…maybe for the best…as I got so caught up in my response to you…but I was DELIGHTED to sign on today and see that Witsend and so many others here are sharing their INSIGHTS and expressing my sentiments …and Witsend it was as if my post went to you and you shared alot of what I had written…it was a little eerie at first..but then I realized so many of us can see the light and see through the fog when we are one the other side. Collectively we can give you, Biddy, so much guidance and advice, but not until you are THERE, READY, WILLING, AND ABLE TO TAKE ON THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION, and we all know it comes at our own individual pace, and many times it comes and GOES, until we can fully process the pieces of his actions vs words and reality vs fantasy in our own minds…
Please know many of us have had difficult childhoods ourselves. You havent shared your childhood experience, but you have shared your toxic husbands… You do know that having a difficult childhood does not give him or anyone a free pass to “use and emotionally abuse or physically abuse” another. It is not your job to “save” your husband from his past. It is his job to seek therapy and it his job to want to sort out his own life and issues himself. Sure he can turn to you and cry on your should for forgiveness and understanding and get you to a place of pity for him…but that cycle will just continue each time he is caught or falls off the wagon….eventually you will see the light, there comes a time when all of us are no longer willing to keep giving and forgiving and understanding only to be foresaken again and again.
This is totally your life Biddy, this is your call Biddy. Just remember you have choices in life and try to hold on to your sense of self-respect and self-love. Dont toss it away, and drown yourself in never=ending love and respect for a bad man. THINK OF BIDDY.
I must ask you this tho. You say he treats you so well and has a good heart…I wonder tho, if you question him or share your concerns and your true feelings with him….does his personality change? Does he get defensive or loud or condescending if you GO THERE with him? Is his “good heart” consistent or only when you are going along with the good little Biddy routine in life…where you put on a happy face and pretend you are secure and in a good safe place with him? I dont mean confronting him with your suspicions of him being a sociopath because I agree with Blueskies that its a dangerous path to take.. But I mean conversing with him openly about going to therapy or wanting to be proactive in putting his childhood behind him and the demons that followed causing him to be sexually promiscuous and unfaithful and disrespectful to you.. is his heart good to you then? When you try to talk to him the way you reach out to others to help you process what he has done and potentially will continue to do?
And lastly, please read the archived articles here. So you can learn ALL OF THE RED FLAGS, because Biddy its a simple easy formula, once you have three or more red flags – you know you should stop and change direction. For most of us survivors it only takes one red flag to know to stop and change direction…but since you are just beginning the process and are debating the issue…give yourself 3 red flags as the indicator that you need to be realistic about your relationship, your “husband” and your future… So read, you will be blown away by relating to so many women whose husbands, boyfriends, lovers MANIPULATED THEM and TWISTED THEIR THINKING and took advantage of women who had difficult or challenging childhoods themselves – so as all they want to do in life is please a bad man or save a bad man or hold onto false hope with a bad man.
Im glad you are here… and that you are being as open and accepting of everyones suggestions, stories and care and concern for you. I respect where you are and understand that its a process. Thank you for sharing your story and continuing to learn and grow with all of us.
Biddy,
You’re getting so many words thrown at you here. And I’m not sure that all of them make sense to you. Or if you trust us, any more than you trust his ex-wife.
I wish there were some words that would penetrate your emotional involvement with this man. So that you could see it rationally, rather than emotionally. But I’m going to try a few more things, before I give this up.
First, I hope this one thing lingers with you. You’ve been warned. You’ve been warned by his ex-wife, who despises him. You’ve been warned by us, who recognize him as a sociopath. And who have been through exactly the same thing as you’re going through. And you’ve been warned by some inner wisdom in your self.
Second, what makes you think it’s your job to fix him or anyone else? What gives you the personal resources to take care of someone who doesn’t work, who makes excuses for his bad behavior by blaming everyone else, and who demands that you be personally responsible for him? Are you a bored and wealthy princess looking for a charity project? Or an angel who has nothing else to care about or do with your life other than rescue poor, misguided sinners?
Third, who is taking care of you? And who is going to take care of you if it turns out he is a con man? If you’re not thinking about that, why aren’t you thinking about that? If this relationship goes bad, are you just going to be sitting on the side of the road, penniless and homeless, explaining to everyone that you trusted him and begging for help? Is this how you’re taking care of yourself today?
Fourth, why is it so important that he’s “nice to you”? What is wrong with your life that you are so needy? Don’t you have friends who are nice to you? Family? Is there anyone in your life who is nice to you AND you can trust? Because he may be nice to you, but you cannot trust him. If you think you can trust him, you are ignoring the evidence. He has already proven to you that he will lie, he will be unfaithful, and you can look at the evidence of his last relationship to see what he leaves behind him.
Fifth and finally, do you know what a con man looks like? Because if you don’t, it’s very simple. A con man looks like a dream come true. He looks like exactly what you always wanted. Because that’s his job, what he lives off of. He’s very good at it, figuring out what buttons to push. Did you always want to feel like a good person? Did you always want someone who deeply understands you? Did you always want someone who would let you heal him while he heals you?
Oh lucky you, you’ve found him. Now, all you have to do to keep him is let him have control of all your money, work hard to support him while he “helps around the house,” overlook his history and his infidelities, accept his blaming you for everything he does wrong, live in constant fear that if you leave the relationship you’ll lose everything, and give up everything you every hoped for yourself except this one “fabulous” relationship.
What is wrong with you that you don’t want more for yourself?
I’m sorry to be so blunt. But that’s the question you should be asking yourself. Forget about what’s wrong with him. What is wrong with you?
The other people here have told you something very important, and I don’t know if you heard it. IF this man is truly sincere about trying to get his life together, what is the evidence other than him talking you into accepting him? Is he going to therapy? Is he in a 12-step program? Is he actively looking for a job, and accepting anything he can find, so that he can have the dignity of contributing to the household?
Or is his main effort trying to keep you happy, so he can keep sucking off your life?
If that’s what you want — a very sincere and affectionate parasite — well, congratulations. You’ve got one.
As his ex-wife told you, she didn’t really see his true nature until almost the end of their multi-year relationship. And then she was scared to death. Think about it. What is the true nature of a parasite? What is his real intention toward you?
As I said, you’ve been warned. You’re in a tough situation, but it’s not going to get easier. Parasites don’t make you stronger and more able to take care of yourself. Quite the contrary.
What everyone here is telling you, and every book about sociopaths would tell is the same thing. Get out now. Get out before it’s too late. And “too late” means get away while you still are physically and emotionally healthy enough to start again. It’s not going to be easy. He’s got his hooks in you. But, believe me, it’s not going to get any easier.
At some point, it will get more urgent. It will be a matter of saving what’s left of your life. And if this sounds just too dramatic, and you aren’t sure if we’re all crazy, think about this. Right now, you’re the one who acting crazy. You’re ignoring what’s right in front of you. And you’re not taking steps to protect yourself from this predator.
I wish you well. Take your vitamins. You’re going to need them.
Kathy
Hello All:
It’s been a very long time since I’ve visited or posted here. My life has changed significantly since I used to come her for confirmation and sometimes just to vent. I see a lot of new names and several that were members when I was active here. This site was a Godsend for me and helped me understand that I was not crazy and most importantly, that I was worthy of love. I found that love in an old childhood friend and we got married in May. Our families go back 3 generations. Yes! I made darn sure that I knew who I was giving my heart to this time and his entire history as well as his family’s. I resigned from a very stressful job of 27 years and am mostly a stay at home wife now. I DO help my husband some with the phone and the paperwork for his small business which we run out of our home. I’ve mostly been redecorating our lovely farmhouse and living a stress free life. My husband says that it’s time I allow someone to take care of me, and he’s doing a terrific job in doing so.
I’m quite certain that Biddy will not be visiting here again. She has indicated to me that she feels that all of you are as mistaken as I am about her husband. You see, I am the ex-wife and have pleaded with her for nearly three years now to visit Lovefraud and read the resources available here. It was a private counselor that steered me to this site. It took me nearly half an hour to find her posts as I didn’t know what name she had posted under but recognized her story (as well as her resistance) after reading a multitude of good information posted by others.
I was happy to see that she did seem to open up to everyone until she started hearing things that she did not want to hear. This has been my same experience. Feeling that I needed to save her became almost and obsession for me. My new marriage and lifestyle distracted me from that for a good while and then I received an email from her telling me about the STDs. And, then a few weeks later, another email where she asked me if I felt my ex, now her husband, would ever change. I swore to myself that I was never going to try to help her again after I learned that he had cheated on her numerous times and she still refused to leave the relationship, but found myself giving it another try after learning that STDs were involved. I went immediately and had myself tested…apparently he discarded me just in time…I received a clean bill of health.
I learned a lot about myself and have reached a better understanding of her through the responses that all of you have written to her. I was really struck by the statement made by the person who said that they had remain friendly with other exes and never felt compelled to warn their new mates. That holds true for me, too. I’m on very good terms with all my ex boyfriends and husbands and it never even occurred to me to contact one of their new loves to warn them about ANYTHING. I’ve always been happy to hear when they have started new relationships even though I went through a very nasty divorce with one of them…we moved past that and are still on good terms.
Your conversations with her have also helped me to understand more about her resistance. At times, I would grow so frustrated with her “ignorance” that I would find myself lashing out at her only later to find myself apologizing because I would have never believed these things about him, either, when I was with him.
There’s great differences between “Biddy’s” relationship and my nearly 8 year relationship with this same man. The greatest being that no one ever even tried to warn me, and the other being that I never had a clue about the life he was living behind my back. He was the perfect loving husband in my presence as I’m sure he is in hers. I couldn’t have asked for anyone to have shown me more love or affection. However, if I had of known that he was having sexual encounters, “romantic” relationships with other women whom he was planning futures with, and spending my money to do it…he would have been gone in a half second. She is aware of this. She has endured the pain of his cheating, his infecting her with STDs, and has talked to me about how she fulfills his needs but feels that she doesn’t have anyone when she needs someone to fulfill hers. Then, when I tell her that she has to think of herself, she goes into defense mode.
I can’t help her and I can’t spend anymore of my precious time trying to save her. That’s the primary reason I stressed strongly for her to come to Lovefraud and talk with others about it. Also, I feared that she thought I was just trying to be the mean ex-wife. I have a new life now and am certainly not getting any younger. She is a very young and beautiful girl and could have any man that she wanted…but apparently he has either damaged her self-esteem badly or maybe she had a problem with it prior to getting involved with him. I don’t know.
If she comes back and visits or even posts here, I don’t mind if she reads my post. There’s nothing here that I haven’t shared with her before. I just wanted to drop by and thank all of you for trying. And, your posts to her have even been MORE validating for me that this man is a full blown sociopath. Her belief in him has even caused ME to doubt my own assessment about what he is a few times! And, to the person who described him as “brilliant”…I’ve used that same term to describe him many times. However, he presents himself as a poor old dumb mountain boy. When his lies catch up with him, he pits everyone involved against each other by playing the blame game and stands back and watches in silent glee at the attention he has drawn to himself. He always comes out smelling like a rose! I’ve resigned myself to believe that he always will. His way of thinking is something other than human, part of a realm that I’ve never even visited, I can’t compete with his evil cleverness and honestly am proud of it!
TNewman, thank you for your awesome post and the revelation of who you are.
I’ve only been on this site since about April so I hope she doesn’t think I knew anything about your story with her husband. I perceive she is a little paranoid — but it is no doubt from the confusion she is living in.
My impression of your post is that you truly are the nice person that I supposed you were in one of posts to Biddy. I’m so happy to hear of your recovery and NEW LIFE with a man who truly loves you! You are a very fortunate woman.
If she comes back with tales of woe of what she has learned and experienced I will definitely “be here” for her but I decided last night that I will no longer jeopardize my own healing to try to help her see what she refuses to see.
Bless you, TNewman! You are a good woman!
You can take a horse to water, but you can’t MAKE him drink.
Biddy:
Please, keep coming back here. We need you.