You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Tilly:
Yes, I feel that I am a very fortunate woman to have made a speedy recovery and manage to pick up the pieces and find true happiness. I had to educate myself and heal after my experience with the sociopath. I also had to do a lot of soul searching and accept what it was about my own behavior that made me such easy prey for this man. I read everything I could get my hands on and lurked or posted on Lovefraud many times. If I hadn’t of tried to help myself, I’d still be reeling from the experience. I wouldn’t ever want to endure another experience with a sociopath ever again but I will say that it was that experience that led me to being a much more stable, secure and confident person today and to the happiness that I now have in my life and DESERVE! And, yes, I am a very understanding and nice person but I’m not so nice now to allow myself to be hooked by another sociopath. I hope she comes back but by her words in her last email…I doubt. I guess some people just have to live and learn. I tried and now so have a lot of you here. I’ve decided that as long as she keeps herself involved with him and with me, then that keeps me involved with him in an indirect manner. I’ve done all I feel that I can do and certainly have no desire to be involved with his twisted life in any form or fashion. My best to you!
Tami
Dear Tami,
QUOTE: “she keeps herself involved with him and with me, then that keeps me involved with him in an indirect manner. I’ve done all I feel that I can do and certainly have no desire to be involved with his twisted life in any form or fashion. My best to you!”
I totally AGREE with you here, and I too hope she eventually “sees” and “acts” in her own best interest, but until she sees and wants to change the status quo, it will not change.
I applaud you for trying to help her, but when someone refuses help, there isn’t anything you can do to force them to accept help or to SEE REASON. I have been warned about Ps and not listened, so I am not just casting stones at someone else. Been there myself.
Congratulations on your new life and I wish you the very best!
Tami, thank you so much for dropping in. It’s helpful to have your perspective. And congratulations on your new life. It’s always good to hear from someone who came through it better and stronger than you were before.
As far as biddy goes, a lot of us have been there. I had people in my life considering interventions and several offers by “connected” people to “take care of him.” But miserable as I was, I was totally hooked and committed.
Some of us just have to learn the hard, expensive way that we deserve better.
Kathy
I am sad to hear that Biddy might not be posting anymore and I hope she KNOWS that we will still all be here if and when she is READY:)xx
this is a general waffely comment to everyone:LTL (Hi LTL you wonderful woman, hope all is well with you!x) says:
‘But I mean conversing with him openly about going to therapy or wanting to be proactive in putting his childhood behind him and the demons that followed causing him to be sexually promiscuous and unfaithful and disrespectful to you.. is his heart good to you then?’
I’m going to call this the toxic test!
With the S/P, my mother and my sister, it was impossible to talk with them openly about their behaviour or how it might be impacting on ‘our’ relationships and how ‘we’ could do something about it. Any attempt would lead to anger or a total shut down of me, complete disregard for my opinion, complete denial that there was a problem or an attack. I was only ‘allowed’ their interest and ‘affection’ as long I was towing their line TO THE LETTER and being a good little puppet. Put up and shut up! Of course I was expected to fully take on board the long list of MY failings as a human being and what was(and always has been) ‘wrong’ with me with grace and humility.
Now,I have noticed that with the friendships I now consider to be non-toxic ( I have been really looking at the friendships I have and kind of sorting them out in to two piles) over the years there are MUTUAL exchanges when there has been any kind of problem and a REAL DESIRE on BOTH sides to sort out the problem, and then ACTION on both sides to do so.
I am ALWAYS grateful to be told by someone who CARES about me if I am stepping on their toes – because I DO NOT want to do that and I probably didnt realise I was. I say THANK YOU FRIEND! And non toxic friends are always grateful to be told if they are stepping on mine because they dont want to do that either!
There is an OPTION in non toxic realtionships to DISCUSS any problems in an open way.
In toxic relationships there is a ONE WAY avenue for discussion.
The toxic people DO NOT want to ‘sort out’ the problems because:
1.) They dont see that there is one. Taking action to sort anything out is too much like admitting they’re not completely perfect in every way and besides they can behave in any way they choose – they have the devine RIGHT!
2.) They dont give a crap about you, you are insignificant unless you are doing your job, which is to stroke and massage their ego, support, nuture, do handstands, for THEM. That is the EXTENT of your value as a human being.
🙂
They will TELL you THEIR problems, oh yes while you sit and stroke their poor little heads, and they weep, and lament, but dont go expecting them to DO anything about it they DONT WANT YOUR OPINION, that’s not the idea, them TELLING you THEIR problems has nothing to DO with YOU, you are the audience. Just go ooooh! aaaah!and clap when the applaude sign comes on.
We need some of you LF clever cloggs to devise a handy handbag size toxic testing kit! An easy to use portable check list or scanning device!
(ah! if only it were that simple, I am being tongue in cheek before anyone jumps on me for my silliness;)xx
TNewman says:
‘And, to the person who described him as “brilliant—I’ve used that same term to describe him many times. However, he presents himself as a poor old dumb mountain boy. When his lies catch up with him, he pits everyone involved against each other by playing the blame game and stands back and watches in silent glee at the attention he has drawn to himself.’
This seems to be THE game with a lot of these creeps. The S/P I knew’s only real objective as far as I can tell (no it wasnt to find true love, just live in peace and harmony, be a good dad, help mankind like he tells newbies) was to have his HAREM in constant conflict with each other for his own amusement, and to keep a constant supply of new members to replace the ones who fall in battle. It makes the little man feel like a GOD.
TNewman,
Thank you for all you have tried to do to help Biddy. I wish I would have had someone to walk me through the sings before I married & wasted 11 years on the s I hooked up with. His family knew about him, & the closest thing to a warning I had was his sister asking us if we were really sure we wanted to get married. He had me believing that I was the reason she asked the question. I have been NC & divorced for 3 years now, & still trying to rebuild the ruins of my life. I will pray for Biddy, ’cause she will need God’s help, & all of ours when that evil SOB gets done with her.
Well, now Biddy claims to have spoken with a psychologist friend of hers and has written this:
“I know he isn’t all that and he has his issues but I have also talked to one of my friends who is a psycologist who told me even if he was a sociopath there is no treatment for this but the bright side was that this tends to dissolve in there 40’s. So maybe there is hope. i will have to see.”
Of course, I immediately shot the “Aging out of Sociopathy” piece her from lovefraud back to her. The article that describes how they sometimes burnout and slow down when they get older but that they still don’t suddenly develop empathy and the ability to love and appreciate another person. Remember that one? It’s a great article. I haven’t heard back from her since.
Dear Tami,
In situations where you DON’T want to believe the truth, ALL THE PROOF IN THE WORLD is NOT going to convince you.
She is looking desperately to “prove” that what she KNOWS IS TRUTH is NOT TRUTH. If he suddenly sprouted devil’s horns and a long red, forked tail, she would still see it as a sign of him being “not as bad as he seems or looks”—
“A man convinced against his will, is of the SAME OPINION STILL” I have no idea who said taht, but it is SO TRUE.
This is very typical of some of the things I think MOST OF US have done when we saw what we didn’t WANT to see in our loved ones. Some few of us were totally blindsided and didn’t see RED FLAGS until it was TOO LATE, but many of us saw and denied the red flags that waved high and wide. She is no different. It is a shame, but she will believe what she intends to believe because to her it is tooo painful to accept the truth, the naked, ugly truth that she is involved with a PSYCHOPATH.
All I feel that we can do is to PRAY FOR HER that the scales of denial fall from her eyes before she is injured any more.