You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear Tami, thank you for your side of the story, and for sharing your precious recovery! I am so glad for you!
Two weeks ago my father wrote on a card to be hung on the “Wish tree” when my brother got married: “Marriage lasts life long when the wife is blind and the husband is deaf”.
A P’s wisdom (in German it rhymes)- sometimes they really tell the truth- he is dead on of course. By the way we left the party when they played “Highway to Hell”….
At least for the time being Biddy is wearing VERY dark glasses, I am afraid.
Blueskies
Love your quote from previous post:-
“They dont give a crap about you, you are insignificant unless you are doing your job, which is to stroke and massage their ego, support, nuture, do handstands, for THEM. That is the EXTENT of your value as a human being.”
Handstands, headstands, understands – all yesterday’s acrobatics and no longer part of my ‘toolkit’ where the S/N/Ps are concerned.
New tools include: Won’t stand for it. Don’t stand for it. Don’t want to underSTAND it.
Let’s call it our new ‘stander’ and put it right in there beside the wrench (no contact), the hammer (knock it on the head), and the screwdriver (for unscrewing our poor abused and confused heads and getting the right ones screwed on).
LOL
E x
AAAWWW! Escapeeee! That’s brilliant!’Let’s call it our new ‘stander’ and put it right in there beside the wrench (no contact), the hammer (knock it on the head), and the screwdriver (for unscrewing our poor abused and confused heads and getting the right ones screwed on).’xxx
Oxy:
“A man convinced against his will, is of the SAME OPINION STILL!”
I will be using this one Oxy! I love it!
Ti9lly, I am not sure where that came from, you might google it for quotes and see if you can find out who said it. I was too lazy to do it. ha ha
OxyDrove, Tilly, Blueskies and all,
Yeah, I’m exhausted and have finally informed her that I don’t have room for nor do I desire to have her sociopath in my life anymore! I wish I had of been fortunate enough to have caught onto him before I married him like she did. That would have certainly been one LESS marriage for me! I finally managed to convince her that telling the other woman’s husband wouldn’t change anything and there was no sense in allowing more people to get hurt…although I had to resort to reminding her of her own cheating actions on her husband with WHAT (not who) I once called my husband in order to get her to her to understand! Bless her heart, she just keeps missing the only common denominator in all this…it’s the sociopath that she married out of the fear that he so cleverly instilled in her that another woman was somewhere in the waiting to be with him. So tragic and so sad.
Yes, my recovery was quite an ordeal but led me to a wonderfully healthy relationship with the man of my dreams! He’s there for me in a very traditional old-fashion way but current enough in his thinking to encourage me to pursue whatever hobbies, work, or pass times that bring me happiness as an individual. I have to admit that I found myself asking “is he too good to be true” at first but then realized that he is normal! His primary focus is on being a good provider and being the best husband he can be rather than having his ego stroked. He could care less how I look and proudly introduces me to his friends and family even when I’m embarrassed by my “just-crawled-out-of-bed-no-make-up-alfalfa-hair-do” appearance. I guess to sum it up…I once again feel like a human being rather than an object, trophy or a possession.
I so hope that all of you find the strength to recover that I have found. It took a good while for it to click with me but the ONE thing that finally did it was when I accepted that the man that I thought I was SO in love with never existed. My time with him was not REAL because he wasn’t real…he was an illusion…a self-made fantasy created solely for the purpose of taking advantage of me. When I accepted and truly believed that…moving forward was easy…although I was angry for a very long time…mostly with myself. But LF and a private counselor helped me to understand that no one is exempt from being targeted by a sociopath…there’s no respect of person…no matter the gender, class or one’s level of education. It’s the same with the extreme cases where serial rape and murder is involved. We did NOT make the choice of becoming a victim, they chose us! However, I feel that Biddy has a choice…she just can’t comprehend what we’ve all spent time educating ourselves about here. I pray that her fall will be a soft one…at least the seeds have been planted so she shouldn’t be taken by surprise like most of us were. Much love to all of you! I’ve missed all you “oldies” and am happy to meet the “newbies”!
Tami
TNewman:
“I have to admit that I found myself asking “is he too good to be true” at first but then realized that he is normal!”
This is a great question to always ask. I assume you have been together long enough to know for sure. If this is true, then (apart from “earlydays Matt) you are the only person i have ever known who has one that is “normal”. I’m so glad that ONE exists!! xxoxoxox
“justabouthealed says:
Wonderful!
You must never expect me to be forthright and must respect my absolute right to withhold any and all information as I please.
You must never confront me with my words or promises from the past. That was then (five minutes ago), this is now.”
boy oh boy is that just so right!
the thing that gets me is that narc’s just don’t get it.
You could hold this list in front of them and they wouldn’t see themselves thus described. That is the big frustration, if only you could make them see what they do, then hopefully the penny would drop and they would grow. But that doesn’t happen.
One narc I know burnt every bridge, abused everyone in their path was the most vile, demented, abusing individual – yet they are genuinely puzzled as to why they aren’t universally adored. They just don’t get it! Its maddening.
Of course, normal ones exist! LOL! And, it’s really very easy to spot the ones who are NOT normal now and the number of them out there is SCARY!!! You know how S/Ps are, they all pretty much start out the same…telling us how great and wonderful we are, and the men S/Ps will tell a female chimp that she is the most beautiful thing he’s ever set his eyes upon. Then, it’s onto “let’s share sad stories” and of course, the S/P’s story is ALWAYS much worse and horrific than anything we’ve ever known. Poor things! And, of course, they tell that us that we are exactly the kind of mate that they’ve been searching for all their lives!!! Sometimes, BEFORE the end of the first date! By the second date, they’re “in-love” with us, and then we’re “snagged.”
I literally went back to the “archives” to find my new husband. LOL! We were childhood friends who grew up together. Our families go back 3 generations. In addition to having known him, I knew his parents, siblings, and most all of his cousins on both sides of his family. His uncles on his father’s side and my father were good friends, and his mother and my aunt were best childhood friends.
I guess one thing that I learned is that it’s important to know where someone comes from. I knew nothing about the S/P that I was married to. He grew up all over the place…his father was in the military. He finally settled in a neighboring state where he felt he had “roots”.
My current husband and I grew up in the same community and know the same people. I’ve kept up with his family through the grapevine over the years. He’s 49, and has maintained the same good reputation as that of his ancestors’. They’re all good people and have always been highly respected in the community.