You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
One thing that I’ve notice about S/P/Ns is the way they describe others…especially people they feel “rejected” by, or should I say people who readily recognize them for what they are? When S/P/Ns describe others, listen closely because they are really describing themselves. That’s the nearest we’ll ever come to hearing who they REALLY are.
TNEWMAN said: “When S/P/Ns describe others, listen closely because they are really describing themselves. That’s the nearest we’ll ever come to hearing who they REALLY are”
I agree with this, especially when it comes to when you are in an up close and personal relationship with one, such as a romantic one. When they begin to insult you and your “character” flaws, I do think they project onto you their own dark qualities. I beleive it was one of the defense mechanisms Meloy discusses them using in “Violent Attachments”.
I remember the first time my ex got very angry at me (he was also drinking at the time) and wheras he initially (early few weeks) said I was one of the nicest, kindest, most affectionate women he had ever met, and also compared my good qualities of being a straight arrow and following the rules to his Dad (which he said he admired)—–about two months into the relationship, during that angry semi drunk tirade he told me I had “a cold dark heart”.
I think “cold dark heart” describes him perfectly.
Near the end of our relationship, during a voicemail he calls Diablo and calls me the Devil and again tells me I have a cold black heart and tells me I care about no one but myself and that I am evil and that I don’t know how to have a normal relationship…… (interesting since he has been married and divorced three times and has lived with four other women (for one year or more) and a couple more for a month or two here or there. But he thinks he is never the problem!)
‘One thing that I’ve notice about S/P/Ns is the way they describe others”especially people they feel “rejected” by, or should I say people who readily recognize them for what they are? When S/P/Ns describe others, listen closely because they are really describing themselves. That’s the nearest we’ll ever come to hearing who they REALLY are.’
I think this is very true:)
Also I KNOW there are still good people out there because I have met a lot more of them that S/Ps!x I am just not looking for any new nice ones right now:) I have said before I DO feel more ‘TOOLED UP” (hey Escapee;) to spot an S/P than I was before.
Yes, the S that I was once married to, and the same man who cheated on Biddy, described the woman he cheated with as a flaunt, a very loose woman who slept around with other men on a regular basis. He described her as “shallow”, etc. And, he didn’t use very pretty language in doing it. Biddy believes him and has placed most all the blame on the woman. I know the woman and she is NOT…she is just another victim that he preyed upon. His description of the woman deflected Biddy’s attention away from him. But, I recognized right away that he was really describing who he was to Biddy, not at all who the character of the other woman.
TNewman:
Your advice to Biddy not to go telling the OTW’s husband was good advice. I’ve had my S out of my life for 9 months. I’m now seeing a really great guy. Recently S’s ex preceding me shot off his mouth to a friend about how S cheated on me exactly the same way S cheated on him (I didn’t meet S until way after they were broken up, so he is talking about others). I had figured this out by the time I gave S his marching orders, but I really didn’t need to havve my nose rubbed on it.
You’re right. Biddy isn’t seeing the one common denominator in this whole fiasco — S. Instead of defending S, it is too bad that biddy can’t try looking at this from another angle — asking herself how does my relationship with S make me feel. If she was honest about herself with that and realizes she feels like pure, unadulterated 100 percent crap after 1 month of marriage, maybe she’d find a way to get out. Unfortunately,she’s buying S’s line of “we had a rough start” yada, yada, yada instead of realizing that if THIS is the honeymoon phase and it only gets worse and cutting her losses and getting out now. You tried. Caso cerrado.
TNewman, you are an awesome woman. Your efforts to help Biddy are so kind and sincere, and your own “recovery” is inspiring and validating. Also, nice to know that you found a “good one.” Sounds like he’s the cherry on your recovery sundae! 🙂 And good for you for taking care of your self and acknowledging that being connected to Biddy’s drama is draining…
Do you mind if I ask how long ago you were with the sociopath? You may have already said as much, so I am sorry if I missed it…
As for your comment
“One thing that I’ve notice about S/P/Ns is the way they describe others”especially people they feel “rejected” by, or should I say people who readily recognize them for what they are? When S/P/Ns describe others, listen closely because they are really describing themselves. That’s the nearest we’ll ever come to hearing who they REALLY are.”
While I KNOW this to be true about S/P/Ns, your succinct summary was great and a good reminder…
Thank you for sharing your insight & perspective with us… hopefully someday Biddy will see just how generous you were in trying to help her and how valuable your perspective is…
Hecate
I have a “girl friend” (I’m female) and business associate (same person) that I now realize is a P. Thank YOU STEVE! That moment he described so well in one blog where something they do makes you say “HUH?!!!” This morning she accused me of doing the very thing she had done! It was such an obvious case that I couldn’t even make sense of it at first. PLUS on a project that is going well, she is suddenly taking all the credit for it, when it was me who brought her in, well after it was started! NOW, how to get her out of my life! My tolerance for these Ps is at zero.
Transfer or Kiss her shiney armoured a#se, like I have to with my art teacher. ( P.S you will DEFINITELY still get devalued and discarded if you kiss her armoured a#se. And you will never know just WHEN it is going to be or the full extent of her ARSENAL.
Dear JAH,
Extricating ourselves from these people that we are tied up with in our jobs, social circles, etc. can be tricky. I have quit jobs when I found out my boss was a P–just turned in my resignation and worked my notice and GONE. Other timesx when I knew it had a definite “end” (a set time I would be on that job) I would tough it out and stay til the end if the P wasn’t too bad. Other times I have had these people as business partners in both short term and long term arrangements, and it always COST me. Other times I have known the person was ‘toxic” and stayed around a year trying to fix the situation—unsuccessfully, of course! LOL
Recently I have dumped, kicked to the curb and done away with every P that is in my vicinity and am at present P-free. I could not have done that quite as easily if I was in business or at a job. Being retired does have its advantages. I wish you well, but I would get free of her if there is any way.
In the meantime, read SNAKES IN SUITS—-it is a great book for people who have to work with them.
The present psychopath trying to court me, ( I still have sign on my forehead that says “Psychopaths apply here”…but i intend to get it lasered off soon), told me on the second lunch together at uni, ” I’ve never felt this way before, its frightening, I think I am falling in love.” So I said to him in a monotone, “I’m sorry but I don’t believe in “love”. I am the same as you, I just don’t have any of those sort of feelings at all. I get angry and ambitious and thats about it.”
He said. ” I knew we were the same! Then that is why I am so bonded with you. I just hate all that “I miss you, I love you stuff”.
I said, “yeah, me too. But I don’t feel bonded with you, because i just don’t feel bonded with anything.”
He said: Do you feel hate? I just laughed and nodded and said ” gotta go”.
He mimicked me. Talk about instant unveiling!