You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
LOL! Yes, hurry with that laser! My bangs hide my sign…thank goodness! Sounds like you’ve got their number and will stay P-Free!
I once again heard from Biddy today and her last message revealed a lot more about HERSELF than she could even being to realize. I think this is the only message she has sent me that I have been able to understand more clearly that her willingness to stay with her P is much more about her than it is about him. I see a very scared, insecure girl that for some reason feels that it is her job to try to save him from himself while allowing him to devour her. If I didn’t now see the situation with her as “hopeless”, I like to write her back and ask her just exactly what it that makes this man so lovable. Do you all comprehend her statements the same? Am I wrong, or would this girl drink poison for him? She writes:
“I do appreciate the advice you have given me. I see him for who and what he is. I’m really not that stupid. He is wreckless and careless and has plenty of issues. I’m not blind but I choose to be with him. I really care and love him and have decided to stick by him no matter what. I have sat and thought a lot about things and I would rather stick by him and show him that I love him then to turn my back on him. I know my love can’t change him but I would rather be with him then without him. He is truly my best friend whether I’m his or not and I enjoy being with him. I would rather have loved him than to give up when there is a chance that he can change or may change. If he doesn’t I will deal with it as it comes. I love him too much to let go of him. This may sound stupid to you and I understand why.I know that I’m taking a big risk with him knowing his past and what he has already done with me but I feel he is a risk worth taking”.
TNewman,
Poor Biddy….My take on this is the same as when she posted here on LF. He “got her” good. The first indication of that for me was the STD. Passing the blame for that was really more than the average person could swallow.
Denial is very strong when someone is caught up in the tangled web.
My MIL once argued with me that her son WAS NOT an alcoholic or even had any problems with alcohol until he met me. IN the same breath she informed me that when he moved out of her house (years before) she found 50 empty vodka bottles in his tiny bedroom. DUH!!!! Denial is strong……I think it is a form of “survival mode” for many people to be able to live in their circumstance.
Bunny:
I know it doesn’t make any difference at all to the outcome, but i believe the narc knows exactly what they are doing.
TNewman,
Yes I’ve seen the results of the Biddy’s of the world in the nut house and the prisons. I believe that Biddy is in with a chance if she comes back to LF even just occasionally, when its really bad…and we all know it will be.
I’m sure we have all been a Biddy once in our own time.
But all I have3 to say to Biddy is:
KEEP COMING BACK BIDDY!!! WE NEED YOU!!!!!!!xoxoxoxox(((hugs))))))xoxoxoxoxooxxxxxxxxx0x0x0x0xxxxxxxxoooooo
I no longer feel like I should punch Biddy’s man in the face. She loves him.
If anyone punches him in the face, I think it should be Biddy.
Thanks for the advice! Everyone is so generous on here. We should start our own planet.
Rosa:
I bet you that in 10 years time (alright 20 tops), Biddy will have punched him in the face! And if she comes more often to LF, she will have left him without having to punch him, within 5 years. I bet you my boomerang!
I’ve often wondered why I care SO much about Biddy…I could easily hate her…after all, she TOOK my husband. After her last message to me, it finally clicked. I went back and remembered where I was at her age (early 30s). I was entangled with my first sociopath…an abusive, violent, alcoholic…that I had been with since my late teens. It was the same thing over and over with this man. He cheated with other women and then had violent jealous outbursts where he accused ME of cheating, or he told me that I had forced him to cheat by not being a good wife and that it was my fault. There were many times that I feared he might go too far with his beatings and kill me. I would try to escape, and he’d tell me that he’d kill me or my entire family if I left. After each incident, whether it be a beating, his being caught at cheating or BOTH, he’d always be SO sorry, promising that he would change and it would NEVER happen again and that I was the love of his life. So, I forgave and I stayed because THIS was the man that I fell in love with, not that other person that he was from time to time. Things would be different, he was going to get stuck in that “good mode” of his and be good forever…I just knew it! I also stayed because I FEARED him! He was the type of S that used FEAR to control. My friends and family begged me to leave him…even my co-workers got involved once. But I stayed because I loved him and because I feared him. I finally escaped the relationship and he committed suicide a year and a half later due mostly to his becoming a cocaine addict in addition to the alcoholism. I carried a lot of guilt about that for a long time. That was many years ago and I’ve experienced a lot of healing and growing since that time and reached pretty much a full understanding to this type of S.
So, when I met and married the man Biddy is now with, I saw NO comparison in the two whatsoever. Biddy’s husband was SO very sweet, childlike, and had an innocence about him that made me feel the need to protect him (red flag #1. He said the most flattering things anyone had ever said to me and told me that he’d kill himself if he ever lost me (red flag #2), blah, blah, blah. You all know the drill. I had no idea that this man who treated me like a princess was a chronic cheater and a user. I spent nearly 8 years with him totally convinced that he was the best thing that had ever happened to me. Sure, he was immature and irresponsible and wouldn’t hold down a steady job (red flag #3), but I was going to “help” him in becoming successful like he had asked me to do (red flag #4). He was also a chronic marijuana user (red flag #5), so getting a job wasn’t always easy if there was a drug test involved. I had heard a few stories about his past behavior with women but the stories came from other male acquaintances and of course they were only saying these things about him because THEY wanted me (red flag #6). And, he DID have an issue with being just a tad too jealous for my comfort zone but afterall, I was the best thing that had ever happened to him and he was insecure (red flag #7). Then, there were the rumors and accusations of him being a player and a chronic cheater but he said people just took him the wrong way (red flag #8). I think you all get the gist of the story. I always told him that I was a very understanding person but that I would never stand for him cheating or beating on me. So, he never admitted to his cheating even when I came very close to catching him on a few occasions. He knew that I was the kind of person that meant what I said.
At any rate, Biddy’s husband (my ex) is the type of S that uses LOVE to control his victims. A total charmer. I had enough experience with a S that used FEAR as a means of getting what he wanted and knew I’d never allow myself to become involved with someone like that ever again. But, I never knew about the S that uses LOVE to get what they want. My first S had an obvious evilness about him that all could see due to his drinking. The drinking unveiled him. However, when he was sober, he was Mr. Nice Guy. Biddy’s S, always presents himself as Mr. Nice Guy and manages to suck people right in until they get a glimpse of him when his mask slips…something that just doesn’t seem to go along with his Mr. Nice Guy character.
After having said all the above, what I’m really trying to say here is that NO ONE could convince me to get away from my first S, even with him beating me and cheating on me because “I LOVED HIM”. I never stopped to think about the fact that his words of love to me meant absolutely NOTHING! People who love each other do NOT hurt each other whether it be emotionally or physical. A relationship where two people love each other does not involve waiting it out to see if one partner will make the appropriate changes to make the relationship work. Or, waiting on them to grow up or age out of being a sociopath! I think I’ve allowed the wasted years with my first S to lead me on a mission to save another from wasting the best years of their life with a twisted S like I did. Oh, what I would give to have the years spent with the 1st and the 2nd S back! Biddy has told me many times that “we can’t help who we fall in love with” in reference to her being in love with him. Oh yes we most certainly can!!!
Dear Tami,
Sweetie, you have a caring and loving heart, but while I think you have a good awareness logically that you can’t help Biddy, there is that part of you that wants to “help” her—and she is NOT going to be helped because she is in the FOG and TOXIC HOPE, just like you were. I do hope she will come out of it, but it will only be in HER OWN TIME, just like you did.
Until SHE finally decides to come out of the FOG of her own, I think your being involved with her is just a “game” for her (though she doesn’t even realize it) and she gets a “pay off” when she gets “sympathy” and “notice” from you. Dr. Eric Berne would call it a “game” of “Oh, ain’t it awful?” where she tells you how awful her husband is being, then you agree wit hher and tell her to leave, whereupon she changes the game to, “Yes, but….” I have to stay, or I love him, or I can’t help who I love, etc.\
You are right, we CAN make choices and we can refuse to put up with abuse, we can refuse to play games and live an honest life of love and intimacy, but it is up to US to do that for ourselves.
While still having compassion for her or anyone who chooses to remain in an abusive relationship, I suggest that you be honest with her and say “Biddy, I am sorry you are choosing to stay with him and let him abuse and use you, but it is up to you” and then back off, and if she tries to hook you back into rescuing you, only to fling herself back into the river, let her float on down stream. Trying to drag her out of the flood against her will, will only get you pulled back into the emotional turmoil. I think you have done all you can for her at this point. If she actually leaves him, maybe you can be there to support her decision.
You’re an awesome and compassionate person, Tami, but she has to rescue herself! ((((hugs)))) and prayers for you and her.
“
Yes, I have reached that conclusion. I guess I have so many regrets of not heeding good advice that I so badly wanted to “save” someone else from the horrific life that I lived for so many years. But, I have a wonderful life now free of all the inappropriate behavior displayed by sociopaths. I have PEACE. I wrote her back this morning and pretty much told her that. It dawned on me that I had spent over 20 years of my life dealing with sociopaths…possibly more…because my mother’s personality is a very close fit, too. I can’t do this anymore. I have everything I’ve ever dreamed of and I don’t want to mess it up by allowing these people to be a part of my daily thoughts.