You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear Matt:
Barn burning update: Well, my law suit against the aircraft company that stole my husband’s patents was finally settled after 8 years and so my X-friends—who have the stuff in the storage building—I DON’T HAVE TO BE NICE TO THEM AT ALL ANY MORE. NC FOREVER!!!!! he was one of my critical witnesses if we had gone to trial….and since we are not going to trial, I no longer even have to PRETEND to be nice to them while they step all over my boundaries.
It’s too dry right now to burn it and with son D gone, want to wait til he gets back and salvages a few things from the building before we burn then doze it. Haven’t heard a single word from them since about a month before the deadline (60 days ago) saying they would get their stuff out by the deadline. NOT ONE WORD. Did take the doors and some of the windows off and some of the stuff in there is starting to “disappear,” but most of it isn’t worth the diesel fuel to light it on fire and what isn’t trash before, is trash, now since it has been sitting for 4-5 months raining in the hole in the roof.
We do need to remove some butane bottles and a few other things out of there before we light it on fire, but at the rate things are disappearing, I doubt there will be much left for them to move if they do show up. Son D and I have a bet that they will never show back up. I think they will show back up and son D says he doesn’t think they will. I’ll let you know what happens.
July 14th is the 5th anniversary of my husband’s death in the plane crash, son D is still gone to his summer job and son C is home with me…we went out to eat at a place my son C and my husband used to go to eat, nothing fancy, just memories adn it was good. Didn’t really want to get up and go “out” but son C wanted to go and wanted me to go with him, so since it isn’t often that a “handsome man” asks me out, I went anyway and we had a nice time.
Sometimes “time” seems so strange, it seems like 50 years sometimes and sometimes like 5 minutes since the crash, and since all the other stuff with the Ps. In fact, it was only two years ago last month that I bought the RV and ran for my life from the psychopaths.
Things are sure different now, and I’m doing so much better, there is a different atmosphere around here now. I’m P-FREE and loving it.
happy 4th to you, Matt, and Happy 4th to you, Henry!!! I like the thought of BOTTLE ROCKETS up the butt to the all!
Oxy,
I was reading and saw your barn burning update. I don’t know if your barn is an antique/old barn or not. But if it is you might want to have your sons remove MOST of the “original” elements. Not just the Barn doors & windows, but also stall doors, wooden vents, original barn shelving, cupboards, peg boards etc. If antique/old, these salvaged pieces would be worth something and you might want to have a yard sale.
Wish I lived closer, I would come to the sale and maybe ride your mule:) I love old barn “stuff” & mules to.
Oxy, I am so glad you got out and had dinner with your handsome man:)x Congatulations with regards to your lawsuit, and no longer having to be nice to non-friends:)x I will be thinking of you on the 14th and sending you loving vibes over the pond and Happy Barn Burning!!!!:)x(I have never heard of such a thing before being a small island city gal;)x Dont forget the Mashmallows!x
Congratulations OxDrover.
It’s a shame you can’t burn the barn for the 4th of July!
Blessings,
Elizabeth
Happy 4th of July! I’ll remember this one!
And thanks to Oxy, Donna, Steve, ltl and everyone here who have given me the insight and knowledge to survive a sad day and go on.
I have/had a friend. A good person, who has suffered much and gone on. Not a romantic relationship, but one I thought had grown in trust and respect over the last year.
A few months ago, I had one of those gut feelings something was wrong. I had lunch with her, and she revealed she had been “stalked” over the past few weeks…oddly enough I had taken Gift of Fear to lunch to give to her. She’d experienced
non-stop phone calls, unwanted visits at midnight to her house, and uninvited appearances whenever she went out…after she accepted one dinner invitation. She wouldn’t give me enough information or identify her stalker. A month later, she told me the situation had been resolved and gave me no details.
This week…I began to get the same gut feeling. Sat with her and some other friends at a concert. Her phone was ringing every few minutes and she looked at it…wouldn’t answer it. Then, about 10 minutes later, a new “friend” showed up. Her demeanor changed…she stopped talking to anyone else…and at the end I saw her succumb to his “ownership”. I went back late the next night (last night)to another concert, he was there beside her. I sat with some other friends, and one of those in her group came by. She pointed out my good friend and said I should say “hi”…I replied that I was introduced to her new male friend last night, and he probably wouldn’t want me to join them. I was told he always “just showed up” all the time when they were out. I asked if he was the one who was calling incessantly and showing up at my friend’s house at midnight, uninvited? Yes he was. He’d never stopped.
Well…I guess I was lied to. The trust is one. And I think she’s in the FOG. I sent her an email this morning…said I’d be her friend again when she was ready, but I was disappointed and hoped I was wrong. And in the meantime I had to let it go.
I guess I’m NO CONTACT…and it hurts like hell. But I’ll survive, time will pass, I’ll go on.
Life has rewards, and disappointments. She was, and is, so good in many ways. I referred her to look at Lovefraud a year ago when she’d let a cheating ex-husband come back after the divorce and hurt her again…don’t think she came here. She’d been living alone for a year…no counseling…doing well…then this.
Thanks for being here.
Jim
Correction: “The trust is gone.”
Jim in Indiana
I know a little bit about how you feel. I opened up just a tiny bit to a friend about the S that was in my life about a week ago, also told her I was no longer seeing him. She had met him once months ago and he was his usual charming self. The next day my friend e-mailed me and was asking a few questions about S and wanted to know stuff like where he lived, worked, grocery shopped etc. in case she ran in to him. I got a vibe she was interested in him and wanted to connect or “hookup” with him. My first thought was WTF?? Now I’m thinking maybe I should go NC with her because I don’t want anything I say to get back to S because I’m afraid of reprecussions…and she knows this!!
hi all,
fascinating list of rules, but it leads me to a question.
do their rules apply to everyone?
for example, the ‘you must not inconvenience me.’ if i asked him to go out of his way, it would be a hot ‘no!’, but if his wife (who he treated worse than me) would ask him to stop at 20 stores on his way home, he would just do it.
conversely, ‘you must find what interests me, interesting’; he and his wife are polar opposites and he could care less if she shares his interests, and he and i had many shared interests.
so, do they have different rules for different people in their lives?
july 11 will be one year of NC for me. still feels like yesterday. still good and bad days. he has completely stopped calling me. last call was three months ago (although his friend called once and i NC’d him too). just wish things were different … in so many ways.
i find that i am isolating myself more and more instead of less and less. getting fatter by the day, and don’t really trust anyone. i think if a guy tried to be nice to me, i’d punch him in the face. not good.
on the other hand, i’m enjoying the lack of drama, and the peace and quiet of life without him. i think what i miss most is the physical affection. real or not, it was prevalent, and my body physically hurts without it. that is what makes me the saddest right now.
many of my old friends here sound well … and i’m so grateful that we are all finding healing in our own ways. LF has been such a critical resource for me. i can never thank any of you enough for your continued support and understanding.
towanda!
confused2:
i don’t like to give advice, but from my own experience NC with ANYONE who has ANYTHING to do with the ex-s/p/n is crucial.
not having any information about them, and certainly them having NO information about you seems to be the safest alternative. because with just one tiny bit of bait, they go for the whole fish!
lostingrief
Please give all the advice you want, that’s what I need now in my life. I am going NC with this friend, she has always liked drama in her life so she’s welcome to it. Me, I like things calm and easy. I told her very little about S, but I did tell her I was more than a little afraid of him and that he is the reason I quit my job, you would think that would be enough. I just feel a sense of betrayal from her.