You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
everyone has their own agenda.
but hers is very different from yours right now, apparently.
she probably thinks she can change him.
boy, is she in for a rude awakening!
Oxy, first – I was delighted to hear that the lawsuit was finally settled. That must be a terrific relief after so many years.
Regarding the barn: Can’t remember who mentioned it but I agree that if it is possible to dismantle the barn piece by piece you may be able to collect some unexpected $$ from it, which would include saving the wall boards.
A millionaire relative years ago (in another state, a farming state) built his new house almost entirely from old barn wood. I’ll never forget the mantel he constructed from barn parts. It was magnificent.
In this economy, I’ll bet there are a lot of people who could use reused wood for their purposes.
Indiana Jim: I’m so sorry that you have lost trust in a person you thought was a friend. If possible, can you still try to ‘save” her from herself? The antics of the “new” friend are so similar to those of my EX I wanted to scream out, “RUN!” to her. Yet, she is a big girl and how can we even hope to “rescue” adults?
confused 2, I have no idea what advice you really want or if I can even give it to you — but, before going totally NC with this friend, could you first check out the why she is asking these questions? It may be that you only gave her “tidbits” that caused her to be curious — maybe curious about what knowing more could help her be a true understanding friend to you.
I’m not sure of that advice because I learned (after the fact) that one of my “friends” during the last couple of years of my sham “marriage” perceived that I was getting ready to “kick him to the curb” (even before the final abuse that caused me to leave SUDDENLY) and she was just waiting in the wings to hope to snag him, a doctor, for herself!!!!! I realize I had only told her “tidbits” too. Felt terribly guilty (after the fact) that I hadn’t told her more details. I learned that she spent the next year “befriending” the “poor, hurting man whose mean, selfish wife had left such a wonderful person” but in the end he didn’t choose her. I don’t know any more than that because she was the first person I went NC on and I didn’t even yet know about “no contact.” I felt sorrier for her than me — and rejoiced that I learned that she had never even been a true friend. That realization caused me pain for about two weeks and that was all.
ANewLily
I chose to tell this one person a little bit about S because she too was involved with an S a few years before. He stole nearly $5000.00 from her and she tried with little success to get it back. I told her my S also was trying to get money from me but broke up with him because I started to heed the red flags. I also told her he was very vindictive and a few things that he mentioned. She was in complete agreement with me until the next day when she wanted to know more about him. I could be a little paranoid but I’m starting to learn to trust my gut instincts now. Before she knew I was involved this S, she wanted me to give him her phone number, she said she was interested in him. So I guess she still is.
So Steve,
what to do if you find yourself here???
Steve,
I found myself feeling anger as I read this list. I wanted to smash his face in. Hmmmm. Guess I still am still processing some grief. This list is SO him. What a pathetic creature he is. I was just reviewing a book by Stanton Samenow regarding the criminal mind yesterday. Although the psychopath I married to wasn’t anti-social in the sense of criminality as in prison crimes,(he was more sneaky and devious), his actions were more socially abhorrent – like screwing women out of possessions by feigning affection and love to get them to dote on him with gifts, or marrying a woman with M.S. and then using all of her disability money and then leaving her in an adult family home and moving in with another woman who had money before the divorce was even final with #2. Behavior included fondling my sisters when they were young, which I didn’t find out about until just recently, or befriending a doctor and using him to live in his summer home, and of course, my ex’s friends all had to be “somebodies” in the eyes of society to make him look good, and so he could namedrop. He once held a seminar with an expert forensic psychologist on recovery from cults. He even fooled the psychologist. That’s how slick he was. I could go on and on, but you get the idea. And I finally get the idea, which is the best news of all. This guy was so slick that he convinced others that the things they did for him were really THEIR idea. That way it was never REALLY stealing or cheating. You could never really pin him down with anything, as it didn’t APPEAR illegal. What a slimebag. He was more seductive than the abberrant criminal. He reminds me of a Bill Clinton.
ANewLily=
“Indiana Jim: I’m so sorry that you have lost trust in a person you thought was a friend. If possible, can you still try to ‘save” her from herself? The antics of the “new” friend are so similar to those of my EX I wanted to scream out, “RUN!” to her. Yet, she is a big girl and how can we even hope to “rescue” adults?”
ANewLily-I’d like to “save” her, but she will not give me the information, including his full name, to even start. She wanted to “be nice” and “felt sorry for him” when he escalated to coming to her house at midnight…didn’t want to call the police…he was looking in the windows when she didn’t answer the door!
It’s been 2-1/2 months since she first told me, and had been going on for weeks.
She knows I now know. I think he has enough control now she’ll discard me at his insistence. I first saw him two nights ago…she changed immediately. She had, before his arrival, suggested I come again last night. I was 80% sure he was her stalker the first night and certain the second.
She has gone from “nice” to fearful…I see it in her eyes.
My gut knew…and I now know. I haven’t slept much for two nights…it’s tearing me apart. She hasn’t responded to my email.
I have to save myself first. She is in the FOG…Fear, Obligation,Guilt.
I fear for her safety and spirit…I asked a police friend if the general description fit anyone stalking before. 53-54 years old, farmer, mother recently died….nope. She told me in April he was unmarried, divorced years ago once from a wife who mistreated him, no children(all from him to her-truth?) I gave her info on how to check county court records by name search in April after she refused to tell me his name.
She told me in May or June there no longer was a problem…but provided no details…now I know why. Now I have a first name and physical description, and know someone who knows him. I may be able to get his last name from him, but without attracting attention…might take a week or so.
I don’t think she’ll talk to me now. I might as well go NO CONTACT…and it hurts bad.
Can’t believe he hasn’t done this before…somewhere, sometime.
God, I hate this, she was so good, hurt and recovering but no counseling…and picked out by this predator. She’s in denial. The way she introduced me to him, as her “lunch buddy”…she was minimizing our friendship…to protect me?
She’s “gone” but not forgotten…but I won’t be pressing her…too late, I think.
And I can’t let it consume my life. I have other pressing responsibilities.
I’ll do what I can, when I can.
Jim
Indiana Jim:
You are a really good man. Unfortunately, it is usually futile trying to save an adult from a toxic relationship. People are going to do what they are going to do.
Honestly, I have an easier time getting through to my 5-year old niece than I do to my adult brother, who is in his 40’s.
You are handling the situation perfectly, as far as I am concerned.
Hopefully, she can find her way out of the FOG.
Indiana Jims – Thanks for explaining that fog feeling I was so clouded by months ago – fear – obligation and guilt.. First time I have heard it that way but that describes it perfectly and only we who have had our head in the clouds and up our ass understand F_O_G.. Your friend has her head up her ass right now and she cant hear you, but you will be there for her if and when she needs you. I had friends tell me my X was trash and I deserved better, but did I listen? nope – I just thought they were jealous of my happiness.. was that happiness? hell no but I had to learn the truth on my own then get pissed off and pry that leach off of me cause I was about dead – wish I had listened back then but what did they know? They (the people that loved me) were prolly hoping they were wrong about my X, or that I could fix him..I tried but failed so I fixed myself…..
Henry and Matt:
I’m hoping for an M-80…..as a nice 4th of July seat cushion for the ex S!
HAPPY 4th my LF friends I bid you happiness as you watch the fireworks explode over wherever you may be.
Freedom for us, as survivors of exploding relationships and lives!
ENJOY and keep safe!
Jim in Indiana,
Sounds like your friend has got herself a problem. And although it sounds like she isn’t in complete denial since she did admit that he was stlking her it also sounds like she has “overlooked” this and was baited back into his trap.
I think the best thing you can do for her now as a friend is be a soft place for her to fall, when she is ready. Because it sounds like she will need a friend when she has had enough of this “fear” driven relationship.
However I have had a few girlfriends in the past that seemed to go from one toxic relationship into another. And back in the day (about 10 years ago) evidentally I was a pretty good listener. As I seemed to be that “person” that my friends came to when they needed to talk and vent and cry and…….Well you know.
After awile of being a good listener for several years though, I kind of lost my patience with it all. With 2 of these g/f in particular it was ALWAYS the same senerio. Same situation, differerent guy. Finally I started to offer advice instead of just lending the listening ear…Lol. (not so sure THAT was appreciated!)
So if she isn’t ready to hear what you would say to her now chances are she will need your friendship down the road.