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The Narcissist’s Commandments

You are here: Home / Explaining the sociopath / The Narcissist’s Commandments

July 2, 2009 //  by Steve Becker, LCSW

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You must not disappoint me.

You must not inconvenience me.

You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.

You must, at all times, accommodate me.

You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.

You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.

You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.

You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.

You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.

You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.

You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.

You must never oppose or defy me.

You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.

You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).

You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.

You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.

You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.

You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.

You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).

You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.

You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.

You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.

(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)

Category: Explaining the sociopath

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Jim in Indiana USA
15 years ago

Thanks witsend….and prayers and thoughts for you and your son.

I’ll miss a good friend while I wait…and life will go on.

Jim in Indiana USA
15 years ago

Rosa…thanks to you, too. I’ll do what I can, if she asks. Other than that, I won’t be stalking her for updates…she misled me about the continued stalking…she knew what I’d have said. Won’t understand it…I was there when she wanted to talk…and didn’t tell me….and I asked.

Maybe someday, maybe never. I can pray, but I can’t afford to have expectations.

Sad.

hesajjjrk
15 years ago

More Narcissist’s Commandments:
YOU must take my word as the truth, because I said it, even when it makes no logical sense at all
YOU must accept whatever I do, even when it makes no logical sense at all
YOU must realize that I can do whatever I want, simply because I can, even though it makes no logical sense at all
YOU must realize that to me lying, cheating, and stealing are not bad when the means justifies an advantage FOR ME
YOU must realize that you and the children have been just actors on MY stage and I am the director
YOU must realize that you and the children are very expendable, once I get and take what I want from you so I can move on to bigger and better things, because I can, and because I think I am a superior human than you are

Rosa
15 years ago

Narcissist Commandment #….??? (Whatever)

YOU MUST NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE….for then I will be faced with the huge, Grand Canyon-sized gap that exists (in my empty psyche) between my over-inflated view of myself, and the way I really am.

The way I perceive myself = 🙂 (Superior) vs. The way I really am = 🙁 (LOSER)

PInow
15 years ago

LOL, Rosa,
Can I frame that?

Rosa
15 years ago

PInow:

Of course you can.

ANewLily
15 years ago

Jim, you wisely stated, “I’ll do what I can, when I can.” You don’t really have any other choice, do you?

At the first reading of this dilemma for you, my reaction was that the lady is jumping from the frying pan into the fire — and fits a common pattern. You say she hasn’t received counseling so she probably hasn’t even considered that she should do some introspection to discover why she was trapped by the first S before she even attempts to have another relationship — even if it would turn out to be a healthy one. However, I have come to assess that the chances of finding a new healthy mate while still in the FOG just isn’t a possibility. Someone (on another blog, I think) several years ago mentioned that while still wounded we have a big N on our foreheads, meaning I’m an N target, come and get me. That rang as truth to me.

Another friend — and others have repeated it — is that if an N or S is on one side of a crowded stadium with thousands of spectators, the N or S can “smell” a potential target sitting on the complete opposite side.

This latter one probably rang the loudest “truth” to me because my EX picked me out from a crowd of about 2,000 college freshmen during the orientation dance. Oh, ICK! The memory is too sickening to even try to explain — and that happened almost 54 years ago. I was as naive as they come but I DID have gut reactions against his behavior. I didn’t want to date him at all but I was taught to be “nice” and never hurt anyone’s feelings. I got TRAPPED for 46.5 years before I could escape his clever control over me.

I’ll pray for this girl — and others like her (and me) for the rest of my life! I am no longer naive but I’m not in the slightest interested in another relationship. I’m realistic enough to know that at my current age — 72 — the only men available are most likely men who need a cook and nurse for their old age! I do wish I could meet one that was content to just be a friend/companion , totally platonic. But, I don’t think those exist, do they? No problem. I’m content in my singleness as long as I have LoveFraud friends!

Wow, I wrote more than I meant to — I guess I needed to get some things out that I’ve been holding in — as has been my bad habit for a lifetime. (Also one of the reasons I could survive so long in such a bad situation, I think.)

ANewLily
15 years ago

Rosa, there haven’t been any commandments and additions to them that haven’t “rung a bell” with me. I think I wrote at the beginning of the thread that these commandments made me realize WITHOUT NO MORE DOUBT that my Ex was a full-blown narcissist. I can’t believe that I vacillated so long before the TRUTH finally sunk in. I have never doubted that I made the correct decision to pack my suitcase and my laptop and FLY AWAY even though I didn’t even know where I was going — except recognized the name of the city!

All that to tell you that your added commendment, “YOU MUST NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE”.” really brought up the most frequent challenge I had with him. Plus, he made sure I was never alone, either, (so I couldn’t escape?) Don’t know. But, my greatest relief I’ve had since I left is that I don’t feel smothered any more. I’ve aappreciated that relief even more than no longer suffering “out of the blue” physical attacks.

One of my first counselors after I had arrived in the new city (where I knew no one) assessed “it” as Stockholm Syndrome.

ANewLily
15 years ago

Oh, PI, I notice that commandment hit you between the eyes, too. I’ll be we aren’t the only ones. The adage, “Misery loves company,” comes to mind BUT I hate it that so many of us are in misery. Life is grand and precious and meant to be lived with NORMAL people! Some misery is to be expected but NOT this kind!

tdpprocessing
15 years ago

Thou shalt understand that when you are of no further use to me, you are as significant as a crumbled up piece of paper that I will simply toss into the trash and never think of again.

Thou shalt understand that if you expose me, I will stop at NOTHING to ruin you and I have all the time in the world to plan and execute an effective counter attack.

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