Pathologically self-centered individuals, such as sociopaths or narcissists, often project a level of self-confidence that is pathlogically tremendous. This can be a problem for others who, unlike the sociopath, will be prone to empathy and self-reflection, along with which come self-doubt and hence fluctuating, less dependable levels of confidence.
But the pathologically self-centered individual is often seemingly immune to self-doubt and can thus seem implacably, impressively confident. Why?
The answer is suprisingly simple: When your interest in others is principally, if not entirely, about what you can get, or take, from them; when you lack the capacity for, and/or inclination to, genuine, thoughtful self-reflection; and when the meaning, or purpose, of life is fundamentally reduced to the expectation, and pursuit, of continual gratification, you have a prescription not only for pathological self-centeredness, but its frequent concomitant—pathological self-confidence.
Think about it: for such an individual, it is mostly, and sometimes only, about what he wants. And if he knows what he wants, such an individual will feel entitled to it. And his sense of entitlement becomes self-validating—self-validating, that is, of whatever argument, rationalization, or manipulation brings him closer to his demand.
In other words, the pathologically self-centered individual has something very powerful in his favor—conviction. His is the conviction of his entitlement, of his right to have what he wants—whether it’s agreement, an apology, special attention, cooperation, sex, a favor, forgiveness, you name it.
And he wields his sense of conviction powerfully and persuasively—all the moreso if he’s also articulate and glib.
This explains how a sociopath can look you in the eye and blame you for something—even his victimization of you—and yet you struggle to fully disbelieve him. As I just noted, if he is intelligent and glib, he is in an even better position to erode your sense of reality. He can construct positions, however absurd and even confirming of his sociopathic orientation, that nevertheless have just enough superficial plausability to arrest your attention.
Once you’ve been disarmed, even slightly, his impregnably confident assertions, stemming from his pathological self-centeredness, can have a brainwashing influence.
You wonder if you’re not crazy? The “gaslighting effect” is in full throttle. It is disorienting, literally, to have someone present even a ridiculous proposition, demand, or accusation with unwavering confidence and certitude. And the disorienting effect is magnified exponentially when the assertion is simultaneously packaged in superficially intelligent, coherent, “rational”-sounding language. Confidence in one’s sense of reality can wane, and fail, under this combination assault.
This can explain why sometimes extremely intelligent, thoughtful and self-respecting individuals can actually be at greater risk of accepting and tolerating abuse. It can be a case of the exploiter’s pathologically inflated confidence overwhelming the more self-questioning, self-doubting individual’s reality.
(My use of “he” in this article was for convenience’s sake, and not to suggest that females are not capable of the behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Steve: Do these S’s know all this information about themselves and us? It just hard for me to believe the ones I were involved with are that smart, although I lived my life just repeating stupid mistakes. So they just want what they want and do not care about using people? Do they think they are normal and just know that I’m a kind stupid person? And they just stay away from the smart ones who can see through them?
Steve said
“This can explain why sometimes extremely intelligent, thoughtful and self-respecting individuals can actually be at greater risk of accepting and tolerating abuse. It can be a case of the exploiter’s pathologically inflated confidence overwhelming the more self-questioning, self-doubting individual’s reality”
They seem to have innate ability to target the ones who self-question, self-doubt themselves.. (not necessarily” stupid ” people..) but “pleasers” , “low-selfesteemers, weakers….thats why IT IS KEY TO BECOME SELF EVERYTHING FROM A – Z TO WARD OFF S AND REMAIN S-FREE.. Self-confident in an honest way, selfish in a safe and kind way, self-respecting knowing your boundaries and keeping them firmly in place, self-loyal KEEEP YOUR WORD ..not only to them when you say NO MORE, GOODBYE…but to and for yourself…keep your word to yourself. Self-trusting…at the end of the day open your eyes and see the person for who they are as being deceitful, conniving, controlling, callous…not for who you want them to be or who they were for a sliver of the time in the beginning.. trust yourself that you are better off without them – because you know you are — you just have to muster up the strength and courage to accept that they are who they are and they will always treat you the way they do. People dont change unless they want to. They simply dont want to…they want you to stay stuck, confused, mixed up – because when you actually do get it together with real self-confidence – they actually know you can see right through them and their pathological “self confidence” and they try to find another victim or source who cant see through them…just yet!
Steve:
“This can explain why sometimes extremely intelligent, thoughtful and self-respecting individuals can actually be at greater risk of accepting and tolerating abuse. It can be a case of the exploiter’s pathologically inflated confidence overwhelming the more self-questioning, self-doubting individual’s reality.”
Yup. Sign me up for that club.
S was an ex-convict, financial and career failure, who wasn’t all that good-looking. The casual observer would say “what a loser.” I am 180 from him.
I have always been questioning and self-doubting, having grown up in a highly abusive home. Still, I wouldn’t have gotten where I am today if I were a complete pushover — or so I thought. On some level I must have thought since I survived bootcamp at my parent’s house, nothing could ever flatten me again.
Wrong.
When I found out about S’s being recently released from prison and the lies I caught him in, I was still willing to give him a chance. A horrendous mistake. The abuse steadily increased. By the end I didn’t know which end was up. S flattened me with his staggering sense of entitlement and his stunning self-confidence.
Hi–
I have not jposted in over a week b/c I am kind of moving. Everything in boxes. No computer.
borrowing a laptop right now and I need ya’ll help; for real.
Lots of you have blogged with me before and know my situation.
I found out today tht my ex is calling another one of my sweet, best friends at her home!
we do not know how he got her number. She will not pick up phone.
What SELF CONFIDENCE that this man has done what he has done to me== and he will call my best friends and not even block his phone number.
she has not talked to him. she says she does get private numbers now.
You guys– do you have any idea how much I want to call him or call his exwife– who is most likely being conned by him as I write.
I want to do it. I want to end my pain. I want answers. closure. why is he calling. More smear campaign my friends think as he called my poor friend who has Leukemia three months ago and went on and on about how horrible MEG IS!!!! He would not even let my friend speak– did not respect her when she said i do not want to talk to you– do not call here.
My two friends are saying no!!! Do not call him. Nothing good could come out of it.
The injured person who stilldreams of him all damned nite– wants to imagine that he loves and misses me you guys!!!!!
Please, please give advice.
I have not called.
He will find me. I know it. and now that he is a millionaire? he can afford to find me?
should I at least call his exwife?
this is a nightmare from which I cannot awaken?
do I call? do I call her? do I call lawyer? I have not money or job yet– real job anyway. NOt good.
akitameg….
I have read your post and prayed that someone who has walked in your exact shoes would give you a GREAT reply.
No one seems to have done that yet so I am going to reply even though I might not be the one you need to hear from.
I read as I am sure you did also the opening article and this is something for you to read over.
The very last part….
“This can explain why sometimes extremely intelligent, thoughtful and self-respecting individuals can actually be at greater risk of accepting and tolerating abuse. It can be a case of the exploiter’s pathologically inflated confidence overwhelming the more self-questioning, self-doubting individual’s reality”
This part at the end really is something that might hit home right now. You are thinking with your “heart” right now.
If he is a sociopath he hasn’t changed in the time apart and WILL not change. Wherever your relationship with him ended it will BE THE SAME AGAIN. The answers you want so badly still will not be answered nor will you get any closure. ALL YOU WILL GET IS MORE PAIN.
I have never read any of these blogs that suggest the N/C isn’t one of the most imprtant things you need to do to heal and move forward.
You said the injured person that still dreams of him….I would suspect that your love for him was an illusion. In other words you loved him for what you “thought” he was or pretended to be but NOT who he really was.
Do not call his ex. Do not call him. Go by one of your girlfriends houses and stay with them until you feel better.
And hopefully you will also hear from one of the more experienced people that have such great advice.
good Luck
witsend–
I am at my witsend as well. ACtually I was there 6 months ago. Now I am in the negative.
I thank you sooo much for your reply. Thank you. Thank you.
why can’t we call their ex’s? He is sure calling MY PEOPLE. My gosh– I have numbers to his family, job, exwife– lawyers– everyone– have I ever called them and told them that this man is Satan Incarnate– literally? No—-
so why would he search, search out friends of mine– across the US who have families and have known me fo 22 years and are sick?
I just wish his exwife knew the truth! I am a victim with no voice to defend my rapist– or tell folks that he will rape again and continues to do so–
thanks again.
The ex wife thing is more about what it will do to YOU not the effect it will have on him or her. By talking to her when your in a bad place I would say it might be like fueling the “fire”.
right now you don’t need that! It wouldn’t do any good for you.
Remember your “people” are real people and they love you for WHO you really are. Those that might listen to his nonesense are not your “real people” to begin with if he is trying to smear your name.
Akitameg –
I second witsend with every single word of advice and support she gave you. It is spot on !
And you still are in a place of wanting to know why to questions that if/when answered wont give you any more closure… just more confusion. Because he could choose to lie about his answers why he is contacting her…or even on the far off chance he is looking to lure you back, or he misses you…what good is that answer? So now he is a really bad man who misses you. What are going to do with that information? See either way he is a bad guy. The person you need to tell that he will rape again is yourself – stay away – youve come so far, so far Akitameg. Dont go backward by making any kind of contact… watch him fade away again because he didnt make you weak…he doesnt care…only if you respond and be the source that “feeds” him.
His exwife – will figure it out, if she already hasnt . Or she will form her on conclusions about him when she is ready
Have you all seen in the news the young guy “well known, well -liked upstanding citizen” from Boston (i think) who was driving with his fiancee and was pulled over and arrested for murdering a massage therapist in her hotel room and robbing her for money. And holding another stripper hostage and robbing her and I think yet a third therapist …all posting on craigs list for “services”….
Point is his fiancee wrote a letter to the Today Show, saying “the police have the wrong guy, her guy is sweet as could be wouldnt hurt a fly, he has been set up…etc… Even with police evidence (girls underwear hidden in a copy of the book Grays Anatomy, gun and plastic handcuffs confescated from his apt in which he lived with her!!!!! = she still was in a severe state of denial…protective…and probably in shock. Noone will be able to get her to begin to accept this – accept herself when she is ready. Everyone who knows a bad man has to come to their own terms and get their life back on track their own way. Dont need to tell, deal with others… need to tell yourself and deal with the need to contact or have questions answered…its all normal… but in the end its all really worth nothing… because he is was and always be the lie and the bad man. Let go and move on! Youre SO CLOSE!!!
akitameg:
I would hazard a guess that the fact your your S is divorced probably means she knows what he is all about. Even if she doesn’t, her reality is that she didn’t want him in her life and that is why they got divorced. Nothing can be accomplished by contacting her.
As for him contacting your friends, this is definitely out of bounds. The only friend of S’s that I have anything to do with is a friend (former?) of his who asked me out to lunch. Your friends have an option when he calls — they can HANG UP. These subhuman creatures have no feelings so it’s not like they can offend him.
akitameg
Ox Drover also had some wonderful words of wisdom posted above. About healing and how it is a process…She said healing is a journey and not a destination.
How true that is… I think anything that happens in our lives that really hurts us to the depths of our souls will always be a part of us. Not in a bad way necessarily (except it feels that way in the begining of the process). Anything that touches our lives so intensely, changes our lives FOREVER….We can never be what exactly the same person as we were before. But that is a good thing in the end. We continue be more “complete” as we continue our healing. It means we are growing and learning as we go.
HANG in THERE. You will feel better. And each day that passes is one day closer.
I didn’t mean to imply (if I did) that it doesn’t hurt when your ex is trying to “smear” you or talk about you to others…..
I can relate to that and it DOES hurt. I live in a very small town and when my husband commited suicide that was VERY BIG news for awile. You would be shocked how many people have very distorted opinions on suicide…And how many people shared THAT with me.
Once I was in a store and over heard 2 people I had not ever seen before that were “talking” about it and speaking as if they had known both of us , yet relating the story with no truth or facts.. Alot of rumors that I am sure they had heard…
In the “big picture” of things though it was the least of my problems. This although a painful moment at the store this was not where my “energy” needed to be. I would be hurting for a long while after this would be “old” news around town.
I hope that you have many supportive people around you.