Pathologically self-centered individuals, such as sociopaths or narcissists, often project a level of self-confidence that is pathlogically tremendous. This can be a problem for others who, unlike the sociopath, will be prone to empathy and self-reflection, along with which come self-doubt and hence fluctuating, less dependable levels of confidence.
But the pathologically self-centered individual is often seemingly immune to self-doubt and can thus seem implacably, impressively confident. Why?
The answer is suprisingly simple: When your interest in others is principally, if not entirely, about what you can get, or take, from them; when you lack the capacity for, and/or inclination to, genuine, thoughtful self-reflection; and when the meaning, or purpose, of life is fundamentally reduced to the expectation, and pursuit, of continual gratification, you have a prescription not only for pathological self-centeredness, but its frequent concomitant—pathological self-confidence.
Think about it: for such an individual, it is mostly, and sometimes only, about what he wants. And if he knows what he wants, such an individual will feel entitled to it. And his sense of entitlement becomes self-validating—self-validating, that is, of whatever argument, rationalization, or manipulation brings him closer to his demand.
In other words, the pathologically self-centered individual has something very powerful in his favor—conviction. His is the conviction of his entitlement, of his right to have what he wants—whether it’s agreement, an apology, special attention, cooperation, sex, a favor, forgiveness, you name it.
And he wields his sense of conviction powerfully and persuasively—all the moreso if he’s also articulate and glib.
This explains how a sociopath can look you in the eye and blame you for something—even his victimization of you—and yet you struggle to fully disbelieve him. As I just noted, if he is intelligent and glib, he is in an even better position to erode your sense of reality. He can construct positions, however absurd and even confirming of his sociopathic orientation, that nevertheless have just enough superficial plausability to arrest your attention.
Once you’ve been disarmed, even slightly, his impregnably confident assertions, stemming from his pathological self-centeredness, can have a brainwashing influence.
You wonder if you’re not crazy? The “gaslighting effect” is in full throttle. It is disorienting, literally, to have someone present even a ridiculous proposition, demand, or accusation with unwavering confidence and certitude. And the disorienting effect is magnified exponentially when the assertion is simultaneously packaged in superficially intelligent, coherent, “rational”-sounding language. Confidence in one’s sense of reality can wane, and fail, under this combination assault.
This can explain why sometimes extremely intelligent, thoughtful and self-respecting individuals can actually be at greater risk of accepting and tolerating abuse. It can be a case of the exploiter’s pathologically inflated confidence overwhelming the more self-questioning, self-doubting individual’s reality.
(My use of “he” in this article was for convenience’s sake, and not to suggest that females are not capable of the behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear Kate,
Wow! And what a con-man!! He sounds like a really bad guy. Sickminded. And potentially dangerous. Im soooooooooo glad you are out and away. The ONLY ONE WHO EVER NEEDS TO BELIEVE YOUR WORDS, YOUR TRUTH, IS YOURSELF. AS LONG AS YOU KNOW THE TRUTH YOU WILL NEVER GO BACK. AND IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO ASSIST THE POLICE IN THEIR INVESTIGATION, YOU MAY CHOOSE TO DO SO. OR JUST BE DONE WITH ALL OF IT COMPLETELY.
Your comment about
“confidence knows no bound and low self esteem becomes our undoing”
beautifully stated…I would add tho…”pathological confidence knows only lies, infidelity, bad choices..and eventually exposure!!!!!
Im sorry for your loss and your pain and suffering. Im so glad you found LF too…its one of the most healing places ever! So long as you are ready willing and able to let go and heal and move on….you can get past anything.
I expect you will get over it, because the things that pop up out of the blue are meant too! To give you more insight, validation, acceptance that this guy was a creep. And your job for yourself now is to recognize and learn the red flags and get out get away ASAP! I learnED a much needed lesson that the HARD EARNED money that is in my bank account with my NAME on it is – is for a reason – it is meant for me. Not anyone else.
Good luck! Glad you are here~
Great Steve!
Q: Where does this pathological self confidence come from biologically?
A: The social dominance drive and testosterone, even in women. Testosterone produces feelings of well-being and self esteem. Pathological self confidence is important for the attainment of dominance. If the silverback gorilla didn’t believe in himself how could he win? Of course he is entitled to status, he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread!
Most dominance contests, even in other mammals are won by bluff and intimidation as opposed to physically aggression.
Psychologists need to work on better separating the “pathological self confidence” that is in a sense an artifact of the dominance drive, from true self esteem that results from one’s own realistic appraisal of one’s accomplishments.
Most sociopaths lack achievement motivation and so have few accomplishments to be proud of or to give them real self-esteem.
OMG today is a bad day…My son evidently had a melt down at school with a teacher. The teacher called me. I am trying to get ahold of him again (teacher) to have him repeat to me exactly what happened. My son said something at the end of the conversation to this teacher that went something like this: You can’t help me, the school can’t help me and my mom can’t help me. He also informed the teacher that he was not going to report after school for a detention….The teacher said he was crying when he walked away.
Oxy–
I love you and thank you so much. You — are right– and Akitas are even left alone with kids in Japan b/c they will not let anyone hurt the kids. They are guard dogs who are very loving, but who have discernment.
Elizabeth, LearntheLesson–I thank you from the bottom of my loyal Akita heart.
“You can’t help me, the school can’t help me and my mom can’t help me. He also informed the teacher that he was not going to report after school for a detention”.The teacher said he was crying when he walked away.”
Time to intervene – big time. Yes, call the school. Better yet, go in to the school. Talk to everyone and anyone.
Your son MAY NOT be alone today – not even “alone in a crowd”.
Something is very wrong here.
Wit’s End,
Depression isn’t just feeling sad. In fact, depressed people don’t feel sad all the time. They can feel:
1. Mysterious aches and pains
2. Exhaustion
3. Desire to sleep 24/7
4. A continual mental fog
5. Lack of interest
Sadness may or may not accompany depression. When it does, it’s usually only intermittent.
When depression hits the uninitiated, it feels like it will never end. The victim can hardly remember not being depressed, and quickly looses hope s/he will ever feel good again. Further, the victim lacks the vocabulary to articulate what has gone wrong. The victim also tends to reason that what has gone wrong originates outside of himself, because this seems logical. To restate: the victim figures he feels bad because of things happening in his environment. (After all, isn’t that how emotions are “supposed” to work?)
Can you get him in to his Psychiatrist? Of all the people you dealt with, the Psychiatrist sounded like the only one who had a clue. I don’t think the Psychiatrist will blame you because your son would not take his meds. Psychiatrists are totally used to this problem.
Hang in their Lady. I’ve got to go, and so do you. You and your son are in my prayers.
Hang in THERE! Sheesh – will I ever learn to spell?
Most dominance contests, even in other mammals are won by bluff and intimidation as opposed to physical aggression.
Boy is that true. IMO, the ’Lovefraud sociopath’ primarily fights with psychological weapons. Subliminal suggestion, especially the kind that’s geared toward the victims imagination to make S appear bigger and victim feel smaller, is their favorite.
I’m thinking of an S who everybody in that group hated, feared, or was wary of – who still kept people in check by cleverly implying that he had lots of friends and allies outside of that particular environment, while his victims had none. The truth should have been obvious ”“ his only real friends were his current tools and henchmen.
I saw another S convince a normal who’d grown sick of that particular S, that he would win any physical encounter, even though it was obvious to me the normal guy was vastly superior, physically.
And another time I saw an exasperated kid punch the S’s innocent sycophant, when all the abuse came from the S (who was physically smaller). The kid had been too afraid to confront the actual source of his troubles. Normals are often more afraid of the imagined reality than the actual reality itself.
Also, the top two attitudes I’ve discerned that sociopaths feel about their prey:
1. They’re stupid.
2. They’re weak.
Much of their confidence may also come from an ability to do do more of whatever it takes, moral or not, than normals.
The advantage we have here is that intelligent use of genuine achievement, knowledge, skills and accomplishment… should be able to beat these ‘artifacts of the dominance drive’ (their B^llsh!t) almost every time.
==============
Student Of Sociopathy
Right on Mr. Becker:
“This can explain why sometimes extremely intelligent, thoughtful and self-respecting individuals can actually be at greater risk of accepting and tolerating abuse. It can be a case of the exploiter’s pathologically inflated confidence overwhelming the more self-questioning, self-doubting individual’s reality.”
I regard myself just like you describe (and have the documentation to back it up), and I believe this magnified the trauma of being taken away from myself. This is because being like you describe is what is at my core personality, and “loosing” the core personality is the ultimate loss and extremely anxiety provoking.
It has been a while since I posted. I think this is a sign of healing. I can totally relate to what other people here have mentioned about being “reborn”. In fact, a much more confident and prideful person came out of it. Gone is the naive person, out came a person with a totally new awareness about humanity, ready to protect oneself and his loved ones against these human predators.
Because “they” lack the most evolved parts in humanity (love, empathy, guilt, remorse), I am now prone to regard these people as a “sub” species of humanity.
It’s weird that we don’t learn about this in school. It should be one of life’s most important lessons (and it is).
Reading this article, I am remembering the killer comination my ex S had of great self confidence but also a humble, self-effacing way about him too. It was that killer combination that drew me to him like a moth to a flame. I think they are also so confident because they have gotten what they want so many times that they know they can get it again. And they know just who to turn to and how to get it. It’s a formula for them. All players have it.
I am laughing now, a year after I first met the S, remembering how he went on an on about how great he was in bed (before we did the deed). It was almost comical at the time, but also a little exciting for someone (me) who’d been celibate for a year or two. Then to find out a few months later he was SIMULTANEOUSLY pretending to the army to have such a severe disability that he couldn’t perform at all in bed!!! LOL It’s too bad he has such an aversion to any form of work. He would be been an outstanding career actor.