Pathologically self-centered individuals, such as sociopaths or narcissists, often project a level of self-confidence that is pathlogically tremendous. This can be a problem for others who, unlike the sociopath, will be prone to empathy and self-reflection, along with which come self-doubt and hence fluctuating, less dependable levels of confidence.
But the pathologically self-centered individual is often seemingly immune to self-doubt and can thus seem implacably, impressively confident. Why?
The answer is suprisingly simple: When your interest in others is principally, if not entirely, about what you can get, or take, from them; when you lack the capacity for, and/or inclination to, genuine, thoughtful self-reflection; and when the meaning, or purpose, of life is fundamentally reduced to the expectation, and pursuit, of continual gratification, you have a prescription not only for pathological self-centeredness, but its frequent concomitant—pathological self-confidence.
Think about it: for such an individual, it is mostly, and sometimes only, about what he wants. And if he knows what he wants, such an individual will feel entitled to it. And his sense of entitlement becomes self-validating—self-validating, that is, of whatever argument, rationalization, or manipulation brings him closer to his demand.
In other words, the pathologically self-centered individual has something very powerful in his favor—conviction. His is the conviction of his entitlement, of his right to have what he wants—whether it’s agreement, an apology, special attention, cooperation, sex, a favor, forgiveness, you name it.
And he wields his sense of conviction powerfully and persuasively—all the moreso if he’s also articulate and glib.
This explains how a sociopath can look you in the eye and blame you for something—even his victimization of you—and yet you struggle to fully disbelieve him. As I just noted, if he is intelligent and glib, he is in an even better position to erode your sense of reality. He can construct positions, however absurd and even confirming of his sociopathic orientation, that nevertheless have just enough superficial plausability to arrest your attention.
Once you’ve been disarmed, even slightly, his impregnably confident assertions, stemming from his pathological self-centeredness, can have a brainwashing influence.
You wonder if you’re not crazy? The “gaslighting effect” is in full throttle. It is disorienting, literally, to have someone present even a ridiculous proposition, demand, or accusation with unwavering confidence and certitude. And the disorienting effect is magnified exponentially when the assertion is simultaneously packaged in superficially intelligent, coherent, “rational”-sounding language. Confidence in one’s sense of reality can wane, and fail, under this combination assault.
This can explain why sometimes extremely intelligent, thoughtful and self-respecting individuals can actually be at greater risk of accepting and tolerating abuse. It can be a case of the exploiter’s pathologically inflated confidence overwhelming the more self-questioning, self-doubting individual’s reality.
(My use of “he” in this article was for convenience’s sake, and not to suggest that females are not capable of the behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
This is a day of decisions….I took Elizabeths advice pretty strongly as it felt like it was right on to what my gut was saying.
My son spent and hour 1 1/2 with the school counscelor after the melt down with his first class of the day teacher. I had many calls from the school, the initial teacher, the principal and the counscelor.
I called the treatment center “hotline” number as I am never ABLE to talk to anyone through the direct number….Always have to WAIT for call backs. His doctor was in a metting and was unavailable until 2 oclock. So I asked to speak to someone ELSE. She told me that when a 16 year old refuses outpatient treatment, (his meds) and will refuse to go with me to take him to a hospital the only option I have is a court order. To file papers to have a judge make the decision.
Soooooo I prayed the whole drive to the courthouse for God to OPEN some doors here…Please OPEN a door, and I prayed for a sign to know that I was doing the right thing.
This is a HUGE decision. Once I sign these papers it is ALL up to one man, the judge. I have already become the “enemy” in my sons eyes. I have lost his trust by just taking him for “help” that he “doesn’t” need. So in many ways I have alienated myself from my son althought that is NOT my intent.
By putting this in the courts hands I am basically saying….He is not taking care of himself, or even recognizing the NEED, and I am unable to take care of him in an outpatient setting. So I am pretty much in my “humble” opinion giving up my rights as a parent and putting those rights in a judges hands…
Long story short…Once I arrived at the courthouse in the town I couldn’t figure out the way to get there because of the major construction…..A sign from God?? Or just another CLOSED door? I finally got there and they told me I had to go to a completely different courthouse as this courthouse doesn’t handle this. A sign, or another closed door?
I can’t even read the signs anymore as this point (EVEN street signs ) as I am reduced to tears driving home as I will not be able to make it to this courthouse UNTIL Monday as time will not allow as the courthouse closes at 5.
MATT
Can you tell me how such a court order works? I was wanting information even about how the process works and the ladys did not know?
Dear Witsend,
Your son needs you to do whatever it takes. You have all the rights as his parent in your hands and it isnt enough right now to get him the help he needs…so in order to advocate for and save your sons LIFE, you must do what you feel is best.
There was a time I had to sign papers and commit my mother to a mental institution. I remember being next to my sister with my grandparents and telling them my heart just fell out of me. I thought I was betraying her or losing her forever…but really I was allowing her the opportunity to get the help she couldnt see with her own eyes, her own spirit, that she needed it.
If you believe your sons life or future is in danger, then with the support of teachers, principals, family, friends, the judge will see this. If you are already the enemy in your sons eyes, what do you have to lose? What do you have to gain by getting him help through a court order.
Im sorry you had such a horrifying day, and that your sons day was so terribly emotional too. I hope this ordeal ends for you on Monday, in that he can get whatever help is made available to you.
You are a dedicated mom, your son is lucky to have you. One day hopefully he will be able to look back and see that you did everything you could to get him the help he needed.
I might suggest you make NO MENTION to him of the possibility of a court order. Or a judge deciding what needs to be done. I think the less he knows regarding the “intervention” plan the better.
I think and hope and pray that Monday will be the day your son begins his journey to treatment. God bless you and good luck. We all are here for you.
Witsend,
Most teenagers regard their parents as the enemy no matter what you do. I appreciate the tough situation you are in, and I applaud you for making a difficult decision. Sounds like this could be a positive step for both of you, and I wouldn’t take his lack of cooperation as a sign that it won’t work.
Dear Witsend,
((((((hugs)))))) I think your decision to seek inpatient treatment is a wise one. What other option do you have?
As far as alienating him by insisting that he get treatment, again, what other choice do you have?
I would call again to the HOT line and tell them that you think your son is a danger to himself and.or to you, and that you want a 72 hour hold on him. This will be done over the weekend, and he can be held for up to 72 hours, taken there by the sheriff/police and kept there until the court opens.
Stay on here this weekend, but I agree do not let him know what you are up to so that he will not bolt. ((((hugs))))) and all my prayers! Love Oxy
Hi Oxy, haven’t chatted with you in a while. How’s the garden coming? I’m planting the tomatoes and veggies in a cut off gallon of milk container and hanging them from the fence … aka cheap way of doing the hanging planters (LOL).
Hope everything is well with you.
Peace.
Dear Wini,
I put in raised beds, one for annuals (tomatoes, squash, etc) and one for perennial herbs, garlic, mint, sage, etc. and am collecting salvaged materials to build a green house and hot beds for this winter for various greens etc. then to start plants in next spring. I put in some of the “upside down” tomatoes too, I had some old cast iron pots and they had holes in the bottom, so I hung them with the tomato plants hanging out the bottom. Give it a try.
Cleaned out the goat’s stall the other day and used the shavings and manure for mulch in the raised beds. Have 24 tomato plants which should be enough for some picante….keeping busy here, love the spring.
The nice thing is that now the “road to healing” is all about ME and doing things that I enjoy not focusing on the left over pain…just peace and joy here now! Calm and serenity. Couldn’t be better. (((hugs))))) and always prayer for every one on LF’s peace.
Oxy, send up some of that manure to me. (LOL).
Did I tell you the story about when I was married … how I thought I had a green thumb? I lived in the country, where each back yard off of main street USA had acres and acres of property behind it (owned by the then old timers … aka farmers).
Long story short. Anything I planted, grew and grew and grew. It was incredible. I remember receiving a bridal veil planter for a wedding gift. It was just a starter plant in a potted planter. Well, I took it outside and placed it on one of the hooks on my front porch (we lived in a 3 story Victorian house). By the end of the summer, that little potted plant that was hanging on a hook on my front porch was over 30 ft long. I was walking around telling everyone that I was a chip off my mother’s side of the family (also grew up in the country).
Plants that friends had for years that were stunted … they’d eventually give to me and those plants thrived upon what I thought was my love and care and green thumb.
Then came my divorce. I moved back to the outter city … eventually got my own apartment. Within a year, all my plants died. I cried to my mother, something is wrong with me due to this divorce, I’m killing off all my plants.
My mother laughed and said “honey, I’m so proud of you thinking you were this country girl and inherited the country green thumb from my side of the family … but, I’ll tell you, when you live in the country the manure is all over the place and is airborne … and everyone living in the country has a green thumb.
True Story (LOL).
witsend:
Usually to get an order for involuntary commitment you need a psychiatrist to agree that the person has a risk to himself or to others. If your son is posing a risk to you or himself, you can call the police in to grab him and drag him to the psych ward, and then the psychiatrist’s can get the order.
At this point his psychiatrist should see the need for an involuntary hospitalization, since based on his statement to the teacher, it seems to me that he is dangerously close to posing a risk to himself.
Good advice, Matt,
The way it works here in AR is that the cops will come and get him at the mother’s request and usually take him to the ER where he will be interviewed by the ON CALL PSYCH evaluator, then moved (if thought reasonable) up to the psych ward, then the on call psych doc will see him in the morning, and decide whether to keep him for a 72 hour hold, and/or get a committment on monday.
With a KID the cops are usually cooperative with the parents, and he will at least get an over night stay, especially if he is already seeing a psych MD and is NOT complying with medications etc. Especially with the school backing up the parent, and the mom being a single parent, etc. I would think she would get the help she needs. My guess is too, that the son will “show out” about the time the cops show up in a rage, which will encourage the cops to take him to the ER.
Wini, don’t you know I sling plenty of BS besides the skillet! LOL That’s why my plants grow so well.
My thing is I don’t see the point of a 72 hour or 48 hour stay and then they release him to me more ANGRY then he was when he went into the hospital. Unless he would go from one facility to the next.
And when I called the hospital ER the nurse there told me they would NOT keep him longer than 48-72 hours. And if his personal psyciatrist (who is not affiliated) with this hospital did NOT order to have him transfered to a facility if the hospital themselves DID see fit to tranfer him somewhere it would be a state mental hospital. NOT an adolecent facility.
I would rather see him in an adolecent facility.
I was expecting the psyciatrist to call me after his meeting. However the woman who called me (psyciatrist nurse ?) was the one who informed me about a court order and said that would be what the doctor will suggest under the circumstance if I can’t get my son to go willingly.
The teacher recanted somewhat of what he said to me in the first phone call in the SECOND phone call. He now says that he can’t remember my sns exact words but that he wasn’t sure if he did say my MOM can’t help me. He said it was more something like the teacher can’t help/make him, the school can’t help/make him and he was the only one who could help himself. Then he said he would NOT come to the detention.
The SCHOOL counscelor was contacted instead of the principal by the teacher.
The school counscelor would definately agree that my son has signs of depression. She talked to him long enough to see that although he is ADAMENT that he is not depressed, he said alot of things that she picked up on as being very inconsistent. What he says and what he does are two different things. And she also picked up on the anger.
She has talked to him before but never to the extent she had today.
As I see it if he is going to be hospitalized it needs to be for a long enough time for medication and therapy to work.
There have been so many things that have gone “wrong” that this next step it is important that something go “right” this time. If there is going to be an intevention, regardless of who else is involved, police, court order, doctors…..It is important that it goes from start to finish and not that he just walks away as he did in the past. This is NOt the first intervention. My son walked out of the last one and the couscelor allowed him to do it. I feel he should have called the police.