Pathologically self-centered individuals, such as sociopaths or narcissists, often project a level of self-confidence that is pathlogically tremendous. This can be a problem for others who, unlike the sociopath, will be prone to empathy and self-reflection, along with which come self-doubt and hence fluctuating, less dependable levels of confidence.
But the pathologically self-centered individual is often seemingly immune to self-doubt and can thus seem implacably, impressively confident. Why?
The answer is suprisingly simple: When your interest in others is principally, if not entirely, about what you can get, or take, from them; when you lack the capacity for, and/or inclination to, genuine, thoughtful self-reflection; and when the meaning, or purpose, of life is fundamentally reduced to the expectation, and pursuit, of continual gratification, you have a prescription not only for pathological self-centeredness, but its frequent concomitant—pathological self-confidence.
Think about it: for such an individual, it is mostly, and sometimes only, about what he wants. And if he knows what he wants, such an individual will feel entitled to it. And his sense of entitlement becomes self-validating—self-validating, that is, of whatever argument, rationalization, or manipulation brings him closer to his demand.
In other words, the pathologically self-centered individual has something very powerful in his favor—conviction. His is the conviction of his entitlement, of his right to have what he wants—whether it’s agreement, an apology, special attention, cooperation, sex, a favor, forgiveness, you name it.
And he wields his sense of conviction powerfully and persuasively—all the moreso if he’s also articulate and glib.
This explains how a sociopath can look you in the eye and blame you for something—even his victimization of you—and yet you struggle to fully disbelieve him. As I just noted, if he is intelligent and glib, he is in an even better position to erode your sense of reality. He can construct positions, however absurd and even confirming of his sociopathic orientation, that nevertheless have just enough superficial plausability to arrest your attention.
Once you’ve been disarmed, even slightly, his impregnably confident assertions, stemming from his pathological self-centeredness, can have a brainwashing influence.
You wonder if you’re not crazy? The “gaslighting effect” is in full throttle. It is disorienting, literally, to have someone present even a ridiculous proposition, demand, or accusation with unwavering confidence and certitude. And the disorienting effect is magnified exponentially when the assertion is simultaneously packaged in superficially intelligent, coherent, “rational”-sounding language. Confidence in one’s sense of reality can wane, and fail, under this combination assault.
This can explain why sometimes extremely intelligent, thoughtful and self-respecting individuals can actually be at greater risk of accepting and tolerating abuse. It can be a case of the exploiter’s pathologically inflated confidence overwhelming the more self-questioning, self-doubting individual’s reality.
(My use of “he” in this article was for convenience’s sake, and not to suggest that females are not capable of the behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear Witsend,
A 72 hour “hold” is the amount of time BEFORE THEY GET A COURT ORDER that they can legally hold him. It does NOT mean that they will let him out in 72 hours. Usually this is what proceeds the court order. Becuse of the US Constitution they can’t hold anyone in jail or anywhere for any reason any longer than 72 hours without a judge’s order.
So a “hold” like this is that they take him by force if necessary to a psych facility because he is a “danger to himself or others” (and that interpretation must be made by an MD) THEN the judge signs the order on the “opinion” of the physician and then they HOLD HIM TIL HE IS “BETTER”—of course at some time he will get out, but hopefully they will keep him 30-60 days and/or place him in a “theraputic” environment with treatment and medication for long enough to calm him down and get him taking medication he might need etc.
I am not saying he may not come out mad at you, because he may…but at this point, if you cannot control him, the school cannot control him….WHAT OTHER CHOICE DO YOU HAVE? If he is NOT a Psychopath and say has, Bi-polar or depression, maybe the treatment in that period of time will settle him down where you can reason with him, the school can reason with him etc. and that he will feel better enough that he WILL comply with medication.
If he is a psychopath (even though he can’t be LABELED as such until he is 18) NOTHING YOU DO EITHER WAY IS GOING TO HELP. One of the “qualifications” of a Psychopath is that they had problems BEFORE they were 18…which he obviously does, but that does NOT mean he will continue them “forever” BUT it also COULD mean these are the early signs of P-ism.
I agree with your assessment of the last intervention, BUT, there are also counselors that DO make mistakes in letting people walk out, and there are also some legal safeguards to keep counselors from “holding” people against their wills.
The “danger to self or others” is a thing that is an INTERPRETATION….and some people interpret it to mean, THIS SECOND….I’ve had PROFESSIONAL problems in dealing with people IN VARIOUS AGENCIES who unless they WITNESSED the person ACTIVELY THIS SECOND being threatening harm to self or others, would let the person walk even though in 15 minutes the person WAS actively threatening harm to self or others….it is a really fine hair that they split.
The point of it all to me is that you can either do something or nothing….and something gives you a chance, and I feel that doing nothing doesn’t give you a chance or your son a chance. He isn’t cooperating with anyone (you, therapy or school) at this point, so if you do something and it doesn’t work you haven’t “lost” anything, but if you do nothing, I don’t see a chance in hell of continued doing NOTHING WORKING.
So the ball is in your park at this point. So it is sort of a “shoot, Luke, or put down the ball” situation.
Just my opinion, and worth what you “paid” for it—it was free. (((hugs)))))
Hi Oxy…
Sorry maybe I didn’t clarify that the 48-72 hour stay was at a REGULAR hospital…such as if I just took him to the Emergency Room. I called the emergency room once before when I thought about bringing him. If taken to the ER they would only keep him for 48-72 hours and then he would be released back to ME, UNLESS his doctor had him transfered or a court order etc.
He isn’t willing to go to a treatment center or hospital though, so that is why they told me about the court order at the facility he goes for to see the counscelor. If I wanted him to go for “inpatient” and he refuses to go I GUESS if there is a court order, THEY will pick him up and take him if I can’t get him there??? THAT is how I understood it?
witsend:
The reason that the initial stay is 48-72 hours is because back in the dark old days, anyone — police, family, whomever, could someone slammed into a psychiatric hospital for years on end — a definite violation of one’s civili liberties.
This rule is designed for your son’s own protection — as perverse as that may seem at the moment — to make sure that the doctors come up with a firm diagnosis and move for an order of involuntary commitment.
The reality of an involuntary commitment is that the police, or ambulance attendants or whomever handles it in your jurisdiction will give your son the option of admitting himself voluntarily.
If he doesn’t, since you have already submitted evidence that he is a risk to himself or others, the autorities will hospitalize him for the 48-72 hour holding period. If your son moves to discharge himself, the doctors have an legal obligation to present evidence to the court why an involuntary commitment is in your son’s best interests.
Great article!
I see myself in “self questioning, self doubting individual.” This describes me perfectly when I crossed paths with the Bad Man.
Since then, I have become more sure of myself.. very slowly. Circumstances in my life leading up to Bad Man made me ripe for the picking. My career had been failing.. BIG TIME… I didn’t really even have a career then… just a broken heart and an unemployment check. I had been struggling for years when I decided to risk it all and move to Maui for a fresh start. At that moment, I looked courageous and confident but my “confidence” was rooted in nothing.
Thankfully, I have fought my way back from those days and though I stand on shakey knees sometimes, I know I am far better off now than I was back in the Bad Man days.
:o)
Aloha
alohatraveler:
Good to hear from you and good to hear that things are on the up and up.
To quote FDR “Better to die on your feet than survive on your knees.” The knees may be shaky, but at least we’re learning how to stand our ground and protect ourselves.
I brought my son to a suicide intervention when I THOUGHT he might be suicidal (several weeks ago) and STATED up front to the counscelor what I SAW and WHY I thought this. I stated the EXACT same things to the ER nurse & the suicide hotline 1-800 #. Both the nurse and the suicide hotline person thought exactly as I did. That he needed to be seen ASAP. I set up the intervention & took him out of school that same day.
When I brought him to the counscelor he ASKED HIM if he was going to hurt himself. My son said , no. Then counscelor turned to me to ask me why I brought him. I told him the reasons, my son got angry and walked out of the session.
I felt that the police should have been called right then by the counscelor as I had to run out of the building after my son.
But the counscelor said that he did NOT agree with me that my son was suicidal. Because he had stated that he wasn’t.
I’m sorry but if everyone that was suicidal TOLD someone straight up what their “plans” were, there would be LESS COMPLETED suicides in the world. So without anyone of us being God and being able to see the future all we can do is see signs if there are any being presented. I saw enough signs at the time to be concerned.
If my son has to STATE UPFRONT to these people that he is suicidal that isn’t going to happen. My son will not even admit that he is depressed or that he has ADHD.
When this intervention happened there were some “signs” that were troubling to me AND he had posted on HIS my space that he was depressed and that “no one cared”….
HE DIDN’T TELL ME (or the counscelor) he was depressed or that NO ONE cared, HE TOLD his peers. TO me that was speaking VOLUMES. As like most kids his age if he is presenting a side of himself to his peers it would be the “cool” side NOT this kind of thing….
NOW right at this point I can’t HONESTLY say that he IS suicidal. The meds DID seem to help for the time he took them. And things were not as bad as they were for those few weeks he was on them, because his moods were not as INTENSE as the weeks BEFORE he took them.
All I can say is that he IS STILL depressed. And he is refusing his meds. He has not as yet been physically violent although the verbal abuse is there. And he is still having problems at school. If that is “enough” to get a court order along with the doctors report, then I have a leg to stand on…..If it isn’t?
Witsend, I haven’t been reading the blog for a while, so I admit I haven’t read your story. If your son is over 18, he is an adult, therefore he was allowed to walk out of the doctor’s office because he didn’t schedule the appointment.
You have one option if your son is over 18. That being someone in your family becomes his legal guardian. It’s a legal process in court. Your son is in the court room as well as any family members that want to be there. The judge reviews the paperwork that you son has notarized, court ordering another as his legal guardian. Everyone is in agreement and it’s a win/win for everyone involved.
Good luck.
Wini
He is only 16 years old.
I was actualy told by a helth care professional that his counscelor actually had put himself out on a limb (so to speak) by letting him go…If something DID happen.
Dear Witsend,
I hear your frustration, dear!!! ((((hugs))))) and yes, that counselor did put himself out on a limb, but that was what I was trying to tell you, sometimes SOME “professionals” think that they have to see the person with a knife in their hand sawing at their wrists before they will “believe” what is going on!
I know when my son was acting out, got arrested at age 17 and we went to court ordered counseling he convinced the counselor that HE WAS AN ABUSED KID….yea, right!
Because I “abused” him, he stole my car out of my yard to drive to a house to rob it and use MY CAR to haul the loot away from the crime, and I was responsible because I abused the poor baby! I CALLED THE COPS, look what a miserable abusive parent I was.
I would have called the cops on your kid, so why is it abuse if I call the cops on MY kid for being a thief?
This whole mess you are in for trying to HELP YOUR SON, is so frustrating!!! I have been on the same end of the stick you are on, and I am frustrated FOR you, because you are doing everything you can and THE SYSTEM is kicking your feet out from under you while you yell “May Day, May Day, my son is drowning” and instead of offering you a rescue party, they are seemingly sending you an anchor to swim with as if you weren’t having enough trouble trying to keep your son afloat!
This is the kind of thing that makes people want to “go postal” on the system! God bless you my dear, and I will keep you and your son in my prayers (((((hugs)))))