Pathologically self-centered individuals, such as sociopaths or narcissists, often project a level of self-confidence that is pathlogically tremendous. This can be a problem for others who, unlike the sociopath, will be prone to empathy and self-reflection, along with which come self-doubt and hence fluctuating, less dependable levels of confidence.
But the pathologically self-centered individual is often seemingly immune to self-doubt and can thus seem implacably, impressively confident. Why?
The answer is suprisingly simple: When your interest in others is principally, if not entirely, about what you can get, or take, from them; when you lack the capacity for, and/or inclination to, genuine, thoughtful self-reflection; and when the meaning, or purpose, of life is fundamentally reduced to the expectation, and pursuit, of continual gratification, you have a prescription not only for pathological self-centeredness, but its frequent concomitant—pathological self-confidence.
Think about it: for such an individual, it is mostly, and sometimes only, about what he wants. And if he knows what he wants, such an individual will feel entitled to it. And his sense of entitlement becomes self-validating—self-validating, that is, of whatever argument, rationalization, or manipulation brings him closer to his demand.
In other words, the pathologically self-centered individual has something very powerful in his favor—conviction. His is the conviction of his entitlement, of his right to have what he wants—whether it’s agreement, an apology, special attention, cooperation, sex, a favor, forgiveness, you name it.
And he wields his sense of conviction powerfully and persuasively—all the moreso if he’s also articulate and glib.
This explains how a sociopath can look you in the eye and blame you for something—even his victimization of you—and yet you struggle to fully disbelieve him. As I just noted, if he is intelligent and glib, he is in an even better position to erode your sense of reality. He can construct positions, however absurd and even confirming of his sociopathic orientation, that nevertheless have just enough superficial plausability to arrest your attention.
Once you’ve been disarmed, even slightly, his impregnably confident assertions, stemming from his pathological self-centeredness, can have a brainwashing influence.
You wonder if you’re not crazy? The “gaslighting effect” is in full throttle. It is disorienting, literally, to have someone present even a ridiculous proposition, demand, or accusation with unwavering confidence and certitude. And the disorienting effect is magnified exponentially when the assertion is simultaneously packaged in superficially intelligent, coherent, “rational”-sounding language. Confidence in one’s sense of reality can wane, and fail, under this combination assault.
This can explain why sometimes extremely intelligent, thoughtful and self-respecting individuals can actually be at greater risk of accepting and tolerating abuse. It can be a case of the exploiter’s pathologically inflated confidence overwhelming the more self-questioning, self-doubting individual’s reality.
(My use of “he” in this article was for convenience’s sake, and not to suggest that females are not capable of the behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
My comment is for Steve Becker (or really anyone else that can offer suggestions). Mr. Becker, would you be able to advise how to encourage the NJ Family Court System to REALLY, TRULY look at and evaluate my exhusband. He has never been formally diagnosed as a sociopath but I am 200% positive that he is, in fact, a sociopath. I know it is very difficult to diagnose someone and that (often) the condition goes undiagnosed (all the while destroying the lives of children, family members & friends). I am divorced almost 10 years. My ex is on his 3rd divorce. He has destroyed the lives of 3 wives and 6 children (4 of which are his biologically). Our 2 children are now 14 & 18 & want nothing to do with him any more. The family court judge has interviewed both my children (my daughter twice). Both kids tell stories of his violent tantrums, assaults on his 3rd wife & emotional abuse on everyone during their time w/him, yet the judge still insists that my daughter MUST have visitation w/ him. In Sept 08 my ex succeeded in convincing the judge that he was very ill & couldn’t work but loved & desperately wanted to see his children. My child support was then reduced from $238 per week to $42 per week (for 2 kids). That would be $196 per week that I am now short in my monthly income. I was then ordered to take my daughter for “reunification theraphy” & (due to his financial hardship) I HAVE to PAY FOR IT MYSELF. 2 weeks later I was laid off for the 2nd time in less than 2 years. I am jobless & almost penniless. I have no $$$ for a lawyer. I have NOT taken my daughter for any theraphy sessions because 1) I am broke! & 2) My daughter does not want to see her father at all. She is a well adjusted, happy-go-lucky young teenager (how often do we hear that?). She wants NO FURTHER CONTACT and truly deserves it. I desperately need the money but don’t want to rock the boat. Can you suggest anyone/any qualified doctor who has the ability to totally see thru the manipulative lies that my ex has been soooo successful in convincing the family court judge of. I am at the end of my rope emotionally & financially. I have exhausted my unemployment and my 401K and what little savings I have to keep myself from drowning in bills and keep food on the table…all the while he is taking my childs money to drink and entertain himself. The NJ Family Courts System seems to only honor needs and demands of the criminal and completely ignore the childs wishes and best interest. I thought that his abuse would stop when I divorced him but it has only gotten worse and (at the same time) I am also being abused by the NJ Family Court System. I truly appreciate any/all suggestions you can provide. I am sorry for rambling. Thank you in advance, JeannineLibutti.
WHOA! Good one!
I had planted my Iris’ in a retaining wall under the maple when it had no leaves. Once the tree sprouted its’ foliage, my Iris bulbs were rotting in the shade.
So, I had done some research. I dug them up, cut off the rotten bits, dried the bulbs for a day and intended to re-plant them.
“I have to move my Iris bulbs and I may have to move a couple of other plants”
N, knowing that gardening was a particular pleasure/talent of mine, snorted at me, “I don’t want you to move the plants!”
“Well, they’re going to die where they are and if it means they’ll live, then I’ll move them. What’s the big deal?”
“Just put the plants in the ground and leave them.”
I told him that they will be fine once I get them back in the ground, in a sunnier location.
“Are you SURE?” he appeared incredulous – sneering even.
“Yes” I said, surprised. “As a matter of fact, I am. I got on the computer, researched the problem, and this is what you do to save them.”
He didn’t like that one bit and was furious. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Enough! Put the plants in the ground and leave them where they are! END OF CONVERSATION!”
I couldn’t believe how important it was for him to try to ruin something I enjoyed. Looking back I realize that it was something he couldn’t control; that was the problem…Unlike telling me regularly that it was “his” house and that I needed to go spend the night somewhere else; gardening was something that made me happy without his involvement. The garden was lovely too. He couldn’t stand it, and failed at making me doubt myself. Even worse, he failed at making himself feel superior.
His conviction didn’t hold for him this time.
Anyways. The conversation had moved on. All of a sudden he starts up about the plants again. He had had too much to drink and was getting nasty.
“You know” He snarled, “That yellow one you planted? It’s a SHADE plant and you’re going to kill it where you planted it!” He went on about a couple of other plants that came without ANY information. We didn’t even know what they were; so how would HE know if I had put them in a good spot or not?
“What the hell happened to `End of conversation’?” I asked. It was my turn to be incredulous. “I don’t want to argue about the plants. If they’re not happy where they are, then I’ll move them – no biggie.”
His lips thinned and paled – a sure sign of an argument, I had learned…I believe that was the same night where he later ended up banging his fists on the counter raging at me, “Yes! It IS all about me!” (Obviously I’d said something to the contrary – LOL).
The next day I dug into the recycling and pulled the tag for the yellow one, “Prefers FULL SUN to part shade.”
When I showed it to him he just looked at it as if it were nothing, saying, “Oh yeah”.
To him, that was yesterday – it’s done, already forgotten, history…get over it.
Dear Jeannine,
I am so sorry you are going through this horrible injustice. The ONLY thing I can suggest is that you get and read “The Legal Abuse syndrome” It won’t change the way the courts are screwing you and enabling your X, but it will give you osome validation and some ideas for survival. It is a WONDERFUL BOOK….talking about not only getting screwed by the Ps but by the “in-Justice” system as well.
When we get screwed by the Ps and turn to the people and systems that are SUPPOSED to protect us, and they too screw us, but GOOD, the only thing we can change is HOW WE THINK ABOUT IT ALL. We are powerless to change the system, but we can change our reaction to it. ((((hugs))))) and God bless you and your daughter and my prayers are for your peace.
My S always had a self impossed “statute of limitations” on his lies.
It went as far as……as soon as the ‘deed’ was done, the statute was up. This is how he saw things….
I remember confronting him on something I had found hidden….his response was….why are you so upset, that was years ago.
He never could understand why I was so hurt NOW, even though I had just been made aware of the deceit.
I look at all the phrases I would use on him….like,
“Your an island in this world”
Now I understand just how spot on I was!!!
CHristie Lee: My S would do the same. I talked in my sleep. I knew I didn’t, but you definately question yourself…..that’s the design. He told me the same things….lusting after another man etc… he forgot that I was a virgin when we met and I have never been with anyone else but him, so there were no other’s I pined over.
It’s the design for control over you and keep you in line. It works, we do question ourselves, each time.
Good for you on the test! I am mortified, being a survivor and my self being accused of faking C, that anyone would do that. I have caught myself saying “who would fake C, no one would ever do that”…..I have learned differently.
People will question you, just do the right thing, keep your character in place, and this will move through….the clock doesn’t stop ticking for any of us! It sounds as if he has exposed himself with the ‘fatal error’ S’s never feel they will make.
It is scary, but you are strong, your in the right place and moving in the right direction.
Keep your spirit up.
PB:
“To him, that was yesterday – it’s done, already forgotten, history”get over it.”
The statute of limitations law of the S!!!
I have 20K daffodills blooming at the moment! I send you a mind full of yellow daffodills, (all planted in the right place).
Jeannine,
For what it’s worth to you….
I was told by a judge that at 14 the child could make their own decisions to walk away from the ‘visitation meeting locations”, as long as I did nothing to interfer with the visitation.
He said to make the meeting location safe and in public, and the child could choose to get there or not. It was up to my child to see the father if they so wished. I had no control over if they left and came home, never showed up, went to play practice etc….. I could not MAKE my child see the father. At 14 years old we can’t MAKE our kids do anything. Nor in this situation, would we scold them.
He will indeed take you back to court, but it sounds like your daughter has these wishes not to see her father….it’s not only your wish, but hers and it sounds as if she has explained that.
The key was, that I did nothing to interfere.
I hope it all works out for you and your kids. It’s heart wrenching indeed, along with costly.
Hang in there!
pb….flowers. Brings back a memory. About 22 years ago, now. We’d moved into a new house, and the next Spring I’d planted some flowers. My ex-tox began to complain I spent “too much time” taking care of them. I guess they weren’t about HER.
A while back, I found some pictures of my two middle daughters, now 24 and 26, standing in front of some dahlias I’d planted that Spring.
It was worth it.
Jim:
Dahlias are beautiful….I am sure not near as beautiful as your two daughters though.
Well worth it indeed!!!
OK – here is one for the veterans to help me with!!!!
Why in God’s name would a man take his O/W to the same place he has vacationed with his wife and kids for years???
Back in 2006 when we were FIRST separated, N/S came to me and said that although we were not together, he still wanted the kids to have their vacation at the NJ shore. I was all for it – I know – smack me – but we had a very informal separation.
He was around us more then – than he was living at home.
Anyway, I am still plowing through paperwork and I find the day after he asked me to take the kids – he left with his O/W at the time (not the current one) and stayed at the same place we have taken the kids for 15 years!!!
HOW COULD HE DO THAT???
The owners know us – and our kids.
And then he shows up with his family weeks later???
Why is this bothering me so badly – again I feel like a ton of bricks has hit me.
I know so much now of what he has done – but this seems like even more of a violation because it involves my kids territory – not just me. But being with the skank next door now is a violation of our territory too.
Why am I crying ????? isn’t it just more of who he is?????
My stomach is sick to think he would take her there????
A million other places to go – how do you violate family memories????
Dear Newlife,
((((Hugs))))) The answer to your question is “because that is just what THEY DO” I know it doesn’t make any sense to you, or even to me, but it is asking like “why does a snake bite?” The answer is the same, “because that is just what they do.”
They have NO sentimental memories, because nothing means anything to them, NOTHING. Not you, or the kids, or the OW or the place….NOTHING!
You have sentemental memories and you have love, they DO NOT.
Yes, it IS just more of WHO AND WHAT HE IS. Why do you cry? Because you loved him. That love is dying and it is painful to you. That is why you cry. You have a caring heart, he doesn’t. He moves on to the next woman because he can’t love. He can’t care. Everything he does is about HIM.
I am so sorry tht you are in such pain, but it will pass….cry and cry…it will help. ((((hugs))))) and my prayers for you.
newlife08:
It doesn’t surprise me that he took the O/W to the same place he took his family. As devious and manipulative as these creatures are, they are, bizarrely, creatures of habit, and not overly original.
About 4 to 5 months ago, shortly after I started blogging on this site, somebody brought up this very topic. I was astonished at the number of bloggers who commented on the fact that their S had taken them on the same first date he had taken his other wives/women; taken them on identical vacations; run identical scams…you get the drift.
As for his violating family memories — you have figured out by now that nothing we normal humans cherish means a damn to an S. As a matter of fact, he probably got off on the fact that he thought he was pulling a fast one on you, and also putting the owner in a horrible position.
My advice? Turn this to constructive anger and nail him with it.