Pathologically self-centered individuals, such as sociopaths or narcissists, often project a level of self-confidence that is pathlogically tremendous. This can be a problem for others who, unlike the sociopath, will be prone to empathy and self-reflection, along with which come self-doubt and hence fluctuating, less dependable levels of confidence.
But the pathologically self-centered individual is often seemingly immune to self-doubt and can thus seem implacably, impressively confident. Why?
The answer is suprisingly simple: When your interest in others is principally, if not entirely, about what you can get, or take, from them; when you lack the capacity for, and/or inclination to, genuine, thoughtful self-reflection; and when the meaning, or purpose, of life is fundamentally reduced to the expectation, and pursuit, of continual gratification, you have a prescription not only for pathological self-centeredness, but its frequent concomitant—pathological self-confidence.
Think about it: for such an individual, it is mostly, and sometimes only, about what he wants. And if he knows what he wants, such an individual will feel entitled to it. And his sense of entitlement becomes self-validating—self-validating, that is, of whatever argument, rationalization, or manipulation brings him closer to his demand.
In other words, the pathologically self-centered individual has something very powerful in his favor—conviction. His is the conviction of his entitlement, of his right to have what he wants—whether it’s agreement, an apology, special attention, cooperation, sex, a favor, forgiveness, you name it.
And he wields his sense of conviction powerfully and persuasively—all the moreso if he’s also articulate and glib.
This explains how a sociopath can look you in the eye and blame you for something—even his victimization of you—and yet you struggle to fully disbelieve him. As I just noted, if he is intelligent and glib, he is in an even better position to erode your sense of reality. He can construct positions, however absurd and even confirming of his sociopathic orientation, that nevertheless have just enough superficial plausability to arrest your attention.
Once you’ve been disarmed, even slightly, his impregnably confident assertions, stemming from his pathological self-centeredness, can have a brainwashing influence.
You wonder if you’re not crazy? The “gaslighting effect” is in full throttle. It is disorienting, literally, to have someone present even a ridiculous proposition, demand, or accusation with unwavering confidence and certitude. And the disorienting effect is magnified exponentially when the assertion is simultaneously packaged in superficially intelligent, coherent, “rational”-sounding language. Confidence in one’s sense of reality can wane, and fail, under this combination assault.
This can explain why sometimes extremely intelligent, thoughtful and self-respecting individuals can actually be at greater risk of accepting and tolerating abuse. It can be a case of the exploiter’s pathologically inflated confidence overwhelming the more self-questioning, self-doubting individual’s reality.
(My use of “he” in this article was for convenience’s sake, and not to suggest that females are not capable of the behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear Newlife,
You are upset because you are a good soul. A decent being. A thoughtful caring person. You (and we) often find ourselves in shock because we cant believe they dont do or choose to act the way we instinctively do with others in our lives.
They do what they do – because thats who they are. They have no understanding of real and true feeling or valuing “family memories” — they are selfish souls – they are not hardwired or somewhere along the way lost the capacity to form deep loving long lasting relationships. They live in the moment, fulfil their skewed sense of reality and operate in a fly by night fashion. They live double lives…they turn on and off..they disassociate…they fantasize…they live according to their own rules…making them up as they go.. often feeling indestructable and so powerful that there isnt anything they cant do or get away with…they are pathological — they are just a different breed — and often it isnt until they are “caught” or start to fall apart or flee – that we finally become awakened to the truth about them. The truth is they are the lie. They are selfish. They steal. They hurt without even realizing their selfish consequences wll tear apart and rip out another persons sense of well being, security, trust, health… because the other person (us) believed they were like us, or rather like the person we thought they were or wanted them to be or who they represented themself to be. They dont know how to be honest and true and real …or even worse they choose not to be because its what they want to do or all they know to do.
Im so sorry for your pain and all of the hurtful things he has put you through. But you are free and are making/taking steps to be rid of him and getting on with your life. I will never ever forget what mine put me through – but I now know he did it all -because thats what he does and will continue to do with any partner/significant beings in his life…leave them feeling used and abused…because these people are often living without a conscience and the only thing we can do is get away and move forward with our conscience in tact learning and growing and meeting others on good moral pathes and being aware of the red flags and acting on them! My prayers and ((hugs)) to you!
You are all right – it Is really just more of the same basic behaviors.
Thanks – I will get stronger from this – I have to –
What is the saying???
What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger????
He really turned on the charm to get me to agree for the kids sake to even go – and then off he was with her the night day!!!
He must have gotten some high off of that one!!!!
The word freedom has taken on a whole new meaning for me. It used to be about taking chances, stepping out into the world and breathing it all in. This is exactly what I was doing when “he” came into my life. My former life bears no resemblance to this new so-called freedom I have now. The phone rings and I jump, and I dream horrible nightmares about being killed, or watching “him” hurt the people I love. I do not know where he is physically, but he lives and breathes inside of me. I feel toxic, as if I have been administered some kind of poison. Slow acting and deadly. People look at me and ask what is wrong, folks who have no idea what has happened. I simply can’t retell the story to explain, so I shelter the pain, putting off my obvious mood to something less ominous, like my failed attempts at finding a job, or that I am coming down with something. It’s easier than trying to explain, yet everything in me wants to just break down and spill my guts over anyone who will listen. I question my ability to know the difference between good and evil. I no longer look for the good, and wonder what a person’s true motivations are. This is not freedom, this is hell. Logically, I know that this attitude will only darken my path, but I can’t help how I feel. How can I just “snap out of it” like some people have said, saying “it’s over, you need to get on with your life” The worst thing that I have been told is that I will find someone new, someone who will not hurt me. But what about what I will do to them? I hate this. I feel overwhelmed.
Dear Christie Lee,
You are in a place I call “on hold” …its a place we all go through in the aftermath…its a place where we are taking it all in (what we went through) — its a place of confusion — its a place where not to much makes sense– and a whole hell of a lot HURTS — its the beginning of the process toward healing again..
Unfortunately we all must go through it and we feel alone and not heard. And nobody can say much to make us feel better. We have to go through all the emotional “chit” we were put through and now have to endure in the aftermath. We feel totally isolated and as though everything and everyone has new negative meaning for us.
In a way, everything and everyone will have new meaning for us. Including ourselves.Take some time to read some of the old articles here. I did and it helped me to see things more clearly. I eventually saw that as with everything in life …while I was “on hold” I had the choice to find my way out, stay there or go back. I wanted not only to find my way out, but to change (learn and grow) and get back to taking chances, stepping out into the world and breathing it all in again – but as a stronger wiser person.
For now you must go through the process and FEEL everything you are feeling and SHARE everything you are feeling. When you feel comfortable I encourage you to share your story, or whatever is on your mind. This is a safe place, a healing place. Opening up will help you move on from the “hold” youve arrived to in your life from your experiences with your ex and your past.
You are right your attitude can brighten or darken your path. But for now your attitude is justified and warranted. It only matters that you experience it share it and keep going to the next part of the process…you wont believe me right now…but I promise you there is such a thing as hell and BACK to healthy… your newfound freedom is down the road waiting …for each one of us..at our own pace…there is no hurry, but there is noway you will stay “on hold” forever …unless you choose to.
We have all had to readjust our ways of life, of thinking, of acting and reacting. Not because its a burden but because it protects us in ways we didnt do for ourselves prior to meeting a toxic person. Its something we were not equipped with and now as a result of our experience we have had to grow and learn about the fact that there is good and bad – with everything – including people – in the world.
Right now you need to go through what you are going through. And you also need to take care of yourself as best you can. Do little things, read much, share often as you like. I would be worried if you just “snapped out of it” – that wouldnt be a healthy thing to do – so you are someone who has feelings and cares and you are presently on hold…thats a good thing Christie Lee… take a deep breath, it gets better, it really does. One day at a time.
Thank you so very much, sometimes I wonder if I am the crazy one, but just knowing that there are people here who know what I am going through is an enormous comfort to me. I will try to be optimistic, even though I wonder how I allowed this to happen to me.
Christie Lee,
One of my first posts here was that I was scared I was the crazy one or that I ended up doing /acting/ being like him in an attempt to play the game or stay in it or figure it out. It is a crazy experience to say the least, but the point is that the difference is I sought out help, like you… I sought to find out what in the world I went through and how I allowed it to happen to me…he just goes on with his ways, making bad choices, using abusing and stealing and living in a crazy way. His choices are bad unhealthy debilating to others.
If we knew in the beginning what they were all about we would not have signed on…we would have turned them down….but they manipulate and lie and shove charisma and charm on us in the beginning…so its not that you allowed it to happen…its that you believed or trusted, thats okay to do. One of the things I use to do in my past was believe and trust up front – now i know to wait until they earn my trust. And now I always know to act on the red flags (deceit, weird feeling in pit of my stomach, strange requests, overly charming/charismatic, odd comments, uncomfortable feeling etc.)…
But that all comes with time and effort and learning and growing and rebuilding ourselves. For now you dont have to fake being optimistic you should just share what you are feeling and know its validated simply because its what you are feeling, realizing, understanding. LF is an amazing safe place to be, to share, to read…Glad you are here!
I have not read anything before that so succinctly describes something I have never quite been able to explain or articulate, but has lurked in the recesses of my mind ever since I left the relationship that seemed to turn me inside out.
I could never explain to anyone who has not experienced it how simply believable the man was purely based upon his own supreme confidence in anything he said or did. He was, as explained here, incredibly intelligent, very witty, charming. I was drawn to his aura of confidence and saw it as an optimistic way of viewing things that I had always tended to be less confident about. Coupled with his intellect, his knowledge of things, and this air of “anything is possible” it took quite a long time for me to see the difference between someone confident, but considerate and mindful of other’s feelings, and someone who’s confidence trod all over other peoples boundaries and feelings. At times, he would relay a tale of some achievement, often at someone’s expense,in such an engaging manner, with such charm and wit, that it wasn’t until later, away from his magnetic charm, you would start to question it in your mind, something was missing, something didn’t feel right, and then it would hit you, no feeling. No consideration. No humility or shame or empathy. Just glee at his own success.
Or how he could turn that charm, that confidence on you like a laser and make you question your own values. Easy away from him. The incident, the behaviour, was not acceptable. It was wrong. He showed no ounce of consideration for the other person. He told a blatent lie – but under the steady gaze of arrogant confidence, total self belief, with a charming smile, and no remorse, it was hard to defend your position. How do you point out to someone that what they did was unreasonable/inappropriate/rude/or even cruel when they do not have the slightest concern, guilt, remorse, or care about anything at all apart from their own needs?
It appalls me now to think I was so ready to believe the words that tripped from his mouth with such slick ease. That I actually had admired and respected this man because I hadn’t realised that underneath all this charm, guile, wit and apparent optimism and confidence, there beat an empty shallow heart.
I thank you for this because it puts into words exactly how I felt, and it’s a relief to know this wasn’t just something that happened to me. That I was the idiot who fell for such a person and couldn’t see the underlying dangers of such a person.
For a long time after I used the word brainwashed. I had come away feeling the man had somehow brainwashed me but had no idea how. I had lost sight of all things I believed and valued under his relentless ability to persuade me I was wrong. This was a man who made having a secret life of sexual promiscuity and prowling the internet for it seem perfectly normal and ok behaviour, and that it was your problem if you couldn’t see that or deal with it.
Fortunately, I found enough self respect left in the cross wired mess in my head to up and run once I saw that bland, couldn’t care less gaze turned on my distress as if I was an irritating little grub. Haughty, smug, and totally uncaring. Even when he came back to his house to find it empty, he was “disappointed to find I could not endure”.
I am healthy now, it was 3 years ago I left, but boy it is still so reassuring to find something like this to validate something I could not put into words. Even now, it still staggers me sometimes when I remember some of the things he did, and somehow managed to fool me into thinking it was not him, it was me. His trivialising of my feelings. His contempt at my worries and concerns. His consistent lack of ownership, responsibility or ability to see how his behaviours impacted on other people. He lied. Blatently. Did he care if he got caught out? No. He would just glibly lie over the lie, and twist everything round so you ended up convinced there was something wrong with you for even questioning.
God, it’s so good to not have to deal with that anymore.
So thank you.
Ellejay.
Ellejay:
“he was “disappointed to find I could not endure”.”
Isn’t it amazing that we were expected to “endure”, rather than “live?” Meanwhile, our Ss were out there “living their lives to the fullest” or I guess what passed for living in their minds.
Never again will I stay in a relationship that is a punishment. Never again will I “endure” when the relationship is nonexistent.
I wanted to marry mine. In fact, I made it my mission. He was my Prince Charming! His confidence was SEXY! I was totally sucked in.
He had me “hanging in there” for something that was never going to happen.
I was also very young and naive, and in my early 20’s (perfect target).
I don’t regret it, because he taught me the difference between a genuine person and a fake.
Please bear with me here….today was the 2nd day of my anxiety attacks..and I havent had them since I kicked the S out in Feb…I dont know what is going on..I have been feeling very good…however still waiting to find out if I am going to have to go back to court regarding child support for our 3 yr old…the S has filed some “review” claiming he cannot find any work..altho he voluntarily left his job in Oct of 2008..came here and thought I would support him…..anyway…he is also losing his house..well actually his wifes house…as he did not contribute to the payments..and it went on short sale and I believe when go into foreclosure pretty soon here…anyways….I have been very close to his mom since I met her..she has been with me thru all of his crap…he is now trying to convince her of his lies and I think she is believing him..he has used her for money and he is now trying to get her to believe whatever he says..ITS SO FRUSTRATING..as I know this is ultimately going to damage my relationship with her and with my son…I have been in NC and today thru legal advice I received..I had to call and let him know I changed my number so that it wont look like I am trying to keep his son from him…I hated that I had to do that…its so much easier knowing he cant contact me..he doesnt care about my son and it just opened up all that crap again….he didnt answer it went to voice mail..which is good but Im still mad I had to do that..any words of wisdom or advice going forward..I need to be strong here as we do have a child here and he seems deadfast on being a deadbeat dad and not paing and using the bad economy to as an excuse to not be responsible..its sickening!!