There is no straight line to healing after an encounter with a psychopath. No clearly defined path that says, step here, go there. For most of us, there are no tools in our lifeboats that will aid us in the process of letting go so that we can move on to live and laugh and love again.
Healing from such an encounter takes energy. It requires a personal commitment to doing what it takes to clear your mind, body and spirit of his or her lies. Healing takes time.
When I first got my life back after the psychopath was arrested I looked at the devastation around me and cried. How could a once vibrant, successful, loving woman have fallen so far from her path? How could she have lost her grace and dignity by loving such a man? I didn’t want to believe that woman was me. I didn’t want to believe my life had crumbled to such disarray. But to heal, I had to accept what was and let go of my disbelief that it couldn’t be true. It was true. I had loved a man who lied. I had fallen into his web and let go of all that I had held true.
Stepping Into Acceptance
That was my first step. Acceptance. Acceptance of my life that day, in that moment. It was in tatters. My home was gone. My life savings evaporated. My belongings disappeared. I had to accept where I was at without falling victim to wishing, ”˜if only’. I had to accept that I had done things that hurt my daughters, my family, my friends, myself. I had to accept that in order to keep the appearance of that relationship alive, I too had lied, deceived and manipulated. In giving into him I had to accept that I had given up on me to the point that I no longer existed as a separate individual. I had conspired with him in my destruction. I had to accept I was a victim of abuse.
Acceptance was hard. Facing the truth of what I had done and what I had become hurt. But, to be free of the past I had to face myself and love myself for the wounded, abused woman that I was and acknowledge that I did not have to stay there. I had to accept that only I could create the change in my life that I desired, that it was up to me. If I wanted to move beyond his abuse, move away from that painful place I found myself in, I would need to find my courage and turn up for myself so that I could step into forgiveness.
The Gift of Forgiveness
And that was my second step. Forgiveness. For all that I had done and said and become that hurt me and everyone in my life. For, no matter how blind or stupid or gullible I had been, no matter how unintentional my actions, I had betrayed the sacred trust I entered into when I gave birth to my daughters. In my betrayal of that trust, I had broken my commitment to be a conscious and loving mother that they could count on to be there for them when they needed me.
Truth was, I hadn’t been there for them. In keeping myself locked in that man’s unholy embrace, I had hurt them. They too had suffered through what he had done, who I had become and what had become of me. For all of us to heal, I needed to forgive myself and to ask for their forgiveness and be willing to accept their right to be angry without picking up their anger for them. In forgiveness, I could lovingly let them move through their pain without forcing them to let it go before they were ready. And in giving them that grace, I gave myself the grace to feel my feelings, without having to deny them, denigrate them, or escape them through searching for myself in someone else’s arms.
My Commitment to Myself
Through forgiveness, I found myself taking my third step. Commitment. To myself, to my daughters, to those who love me. Through my commitment to do what was loving and necessary to get what I needed in my life, I made a commitment to turn up for me, without fear, without judgement, without hesitation. I made a commitment that I would honour my journey, no matter how painful, and keep myself safe on the path to healing by not falling back into remorse, self-denigration, self-abasement and guilt. By committing myself to love myself, warts and all, I gave myself the grace and space to move into my fourth loving step.
Embracing Gratitude
Gratitude. Yes, he had hurt me. Betrayed me. But I was alive. I had the chance to heal, the opportunity to begin again. By stepping into an attitude of gratitude I chose to create harmony, not discord, with all my words and actions. To bemoan what he had done, to focus on his misdeeds would have held me pinioned to the pain of his passing through my life. I deserved better. And so, I embraced gratitude and let regret and remorse go. I did not need to get even with him. I did not need revenge. What I needed was to find my peace of mind, to create a life of harmony without him in it. Every night I wrote out my list of gratitudes, I thanked my angels, God, the Divine. I gave thanks for my life, my daughters’ lives, the love that filled my heart and the opportunity to make amends.
Making Amends
Making amends was my fifth step. Making amends does not mean putting straight other people’s lives. It doesn’t mean righting the past. It means, staying true to who I am today. To keeping my commitments, my word, my promises. It means consciously choosing each step of my journey with dignity and grace, treating my world and everyone in it with integrity, being honest and open about my feelings, my life, my journey. Making amends means asking those I have hurt what they need and being committed to do what it takes to give it to them. Making amends means knowing who I am today and being the best me I can be so that I can live my sixth and final step without reservation.
Living with Grace
There is no easy way through the pain of having loved a psychopath. But, no matter the darkness of the path, the rocks and potholes strewn across the way, the fierce winds that blow or stormy seas we navigate, living with grace gives me the courage to face life’s ups and downs without losing my way. Like a sailboat aiming for shore, my journey is not a straight line. I continually correct my course without losing site of my objective. Standing in my ”˜I’, staying focused on my journey, I am not pulled from my centre by the winds that blow around me. With grace, I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome. With grace, I am free to be all that I am meant to be, confident that my best is good enough.
Thank you for these wonderful words! I agree, healing involves all of these steps, starts with acceptance, and is maintained by grace.
Wow, ML never ceases to amaze me with her insight and progress!
Clearly you, ML, are way ahead of me even though I believe we have both been on this site for the same amount of time, since the inception of lovefraud last year. Still, I am enmired in the disasterous aftermath–one that may result in forever losing my ability to practise professionally. And NO ONE, almost no one in the mental health field knows what lovefraud and sociopaths are about! Sure they write about them and admire the abilities of the sociopath to read & manipulate better than any trained psychologist. But they are ignorant. Only those who have gone through this fire have an inkling of what sociopaths are about and how powerful & dangerous sociopaths are.
But, let’s get one thing right:
Lovefraud says that the prevalence rate for sociopathy is 1%! It is NOT. It is 4%!!!
One out of every 25 of us is a sociopath! That’s four times the rate for schizophrenia.
The risk of running into a sociopath is FOUR TIMES HIGHER than the rate scale on this website.
We interact with them all the time. They know us but we don’t know them! When we fit their con and are deemed appropriate victims for their finely honed scams, games which they have run and developed typically over their lives since their early teens, then ‘we get more of their attention and we get “to learn” more.’
Unfortunately, we get to learn at a price. As it is said:
When you lose [your job], don’t lose the lesson!
I am old enough to know better, but, I met a man 1 year ago at an online dating site. He was wealthy, appeared generous, wanted me to quit my job so he could take me traveling. I did!. Then the tantrums (his) started. I found out he had a clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder and OCD. He could flip out and render a sales girl in tears in minutes or, he could try to seduce her in my presence feigning innocence. He tried to get me to put his name on the deed of title to my home and my cars. He said he had spent a great deal of money on me and that proved he was trustworthy. He wanted me to take out a credit card in my name so he could transfer his bills on to it. He moved me half out of my home but not really into his. I was almost reduced to complete powerlessness. He slept everyday until 2 pm and then expected me to wait on him like a servant (I did). He was horrid. When we finally broke up, he left me, stealing all my tools and all the food in the kitchen, even the coffee creamer. The very next day he was active on 6 different dating sites looking for new victims. He was even on a one for married people to cheat on their spouses. He slathers on testerone creme so he can keep being sexual. He never went off these dating sites when we were together, he just hid his profile until he found a suitable “mark”. He would save up to 40 women on one web site in his favorites. He would then contact and open a file on 4 or 5 favorites so he could gage his e mails and phone calls to their interests. The reason I know this is for some reason, I had access to his e mail and then his passcodes. It sickens me that he is doing this and it was done to me. I still have my home. I got another job. I will get more tools. He still calls and threatens that he will damage. my property if I don’t give him back the money that he spent on me during our relationship. He even went to a lawyer to sue me but got no where. I never asked him for anything but love and fidelity. This guy is smart educated and goes for smart educated intelligent women. What is amazing to me is that they bite!!! I bit!!!
My “creeped out little freak” also slept until very late in the day and wasn’t showered or dressed until 3 p.m. I never understood why. He wasn’t into drugs or booze. I suspect it was part of the antisocial quality of his disorder. He would stay up all night. He would never tell me what he did or why he behaved this way. I didn’t reach the “moving in” stage, and from what I’ve read on this site, I am grateful!! Perhaps, because he wanted me to become available to him immediately (although never offering me his place to share). When I didn’t agree immediately, he deserted me. My creep was smart, too. As I’ve said in other postings, he skipped 3 grades (verified) and graduated college at 18.
He was also an internet junkie and was all over the sites and still is. That is how we met.
I am grateful he has left me alone. My six months with him were enough to scar me emotionally, but I will say, now, I am stronger because of the experience. I am more in tune with real love, and with my own impulsivity.
These people are CREEPY. Best to get away from them as soon as possible.
TIP: Google them using their full name (including middle name). That was how I found his prison information. Without the middle name, it did not come up.
I could almost rationalize his behavior and stay in denial, but the knowledge of his federal offense and conviction is what keeps me in reality every time I get a passing soft spot.
He never told me about his crime and prison stay. I found out after he had tired of me and was through with me. He probably would never have told me.
When I asked him about the long stretches of his past he would not discuss he once responded: “It is better for you that I remain an enigma.”
Well, he’s no enigma any more! Take action. Be proactive. Stay strong. Check people out before committing to them!
The section about Forgiveness really struck me. I get very tired of hearing we should “forgive” a sociopath (or narcissist). How can you forgive the unforgiveable? I know in Jewish tradition – you can only forgive a person when they ASK you for forgiveness and make amends to you. Personally – I think forgiveness is over-rated for a sociopath and somehow puts the guilt process back on the victim.
That said, one of the women who exposed her predator on my blog made a similar comment to me about her kids. About how her predator stole time away from her kids, she was in the divorce process and said she will never fully forgive herself for allowing this soul-scarring creature to take away her time & energy. He was a sex addict who used a lot of NLP & seduction techniques on her to monopolize her time & her mind.
Many victims beat themselves up after these relationships and they shouldn’t. They are not dealing with empathetic human beings. And don’t keep their secrets!! By posting them on exposure sites – you make them GOOGLE-able and may save goodness knows how many other people from being entangled with these people
I wish it would have been easy enough to just Google my sociopath and find out all about his sordid, sorry excuse for a life. Unfortunately, he was able to cover his tracks pretty well, which probably means he’s no stranger to screwing people over when the opportunity arises. He had taken great pains to conceal the details of his “offline life”. He once flew into a rage when the owner of a forum we both belonged to posted his birthday for all to see. The constant paranoia should have been a red flag, but I was naive then.
It’s good to keep in mind that many of these people have spent a great deal of time plotting and conniving, mulling over things that wouldn’t even occur to normal people. So there is no sense blaming yourself. No matter how careful you are, there is always a chance that you could run into one. You can take certain precautions to reduce the probability of this happening again, but the sad reality is that the risk is never truly eliminated.
I am a mental health therapist. My first husband is narcisstic and my ex-fiance is a sociopath. I think everyone must realize these people are really good at what they do and those most vulnerable are those of us who genuinely care about others. While my ex-fiance was more devastating emotionally, I think not knowing the characteristics make one more vulnerable. Now that I have had this experience, I am a much better therapist because I can spot them now.
anb71…thank you for your comments. It makes me feel less like a for having fallen prey.I also think you’re right, they seem to target and exploit our most prized asset..EMPATHY.I can only HOPE that knowing the characteristics makes me safer. But in reality, i KNOW if i am targeted by a Sociopath for what i can do for him,..he will make damn sure he comes at me covertly and mimics normal human emotions no different than the Narcissistic/Psychopath who invaded my mind,body, heart and soul with his NEED to emotionally rape me.
Healing from my disenchantment with HUMAN NATURE has been a monumental undertaking.If forgiveness was for him and not me, i would hold a grudge forever.But i am forever negatively altered in my judgement of people.
I only WISH i could say…”I could spot them now…”
I am no less easy prey than i was before…because i genuinely CARE about others still, which is who they target….but trust comes at a price sometimes.Love is about risk.Sometimes you win, and sometimes you run head long into a Sociopath.Me? I self protect by NOT interacting with the human race in a way that might leave me open to this again. 1 in 25 is WAY too high of odds for me.I keep my GUARDS up knowing i am human, female, vulnerable and somehow easily preyed on by men with hidden agenda’s. I hang onto my justifiable anger so i won’t EVER forget…to not let my guards down again.
anb71 and I are “twins” because I am also a mental health therapist, was married to a narcissist and just broke up 1-07 with my fiance who is a sociopath. I was also much more devastated by the sociopath fiance because he had no integrity! He was deceitful, dishonest, insecure, untrustworthy, and abusive in the end. I felt in the end like I didn’t know him at all! He quickly turned on me when he knew I was figuring him out. I also found two addictions he was hiding–online pornography (he never could sleep and was getting up during the night) and drinking. I didn’t live with him and lived 30 miles away so he had plenty of time for his extracurricular activities. I am sure I have only sheered the top of an iceberg of trouble that was waiting if I had married him. The night I broke off the engagement, I took my brother along who waited outside. I took a cellphone. I had become very scared of him. He was calm. I returned the ring and told him to stay away from me and that I didn’t want ANY communication with him. That night, the jerk got back on the online dating service we met on and downloaded his profile. It was sent to my friend the next day! That is when I became obsessed with “getting even.” I have NEVER felt like that! I went to friends and family right away. I got support from them. I wrote many letters which I never intended to mail (although you want to scream at them and tell them off!!!) because I knew it could open another dialog or he would gloat, knowing I was so upset. I found this site which is helping me tremendously. I have given the website to many women friends and I have gone public with co-workers and friends so they can “be aware.” Two months later, I am feeling so much better but I know I was lucky and got out before getting truly hurt and burned by him!
My sociopath…con artist has only been in jail for a few weeks now…yes I was able to put him in jail because he robbed me and beat me til I was unrecognizable and I called the police and he was arrested and subsequently put on probation and I had a protective order against him. He convinced me to marry him before all the orders were in place. Then he walked past that protective order and robbed me again at knife point then had the stupidity to return to my home later that night. I called the police and he was arrested and placed on $100,000 bond for the knife robbery and sentenced to 90 days in jail for the protective order violation. The system has yet to violate his probation but I am told that it is coming with time. I, also discovered that he had married me but had never been divorced from his first wife and I spoke with the vice squad who filed bigomy charges on him. Last week he was formally charged with bigomy. I go to counseling every Thursday. I spent over 2 years with this man torturing, harrassing, and financially ruining me. With one excuse after another. Now I am bitter, untrusting, and angry. I wake every couple of hours during the night. I can not believe that I am reacting like this…how could I have given him so much control over me. I was always the strong one. I changed my number so many times in the 2 year on again off again nightmare that I still have a hard time remembering my number now. I feel so isolated and alone. When will I be me again?