There is no straight line to healing after an encounter with a psychopath. No clearly defined path that says, step here, go there. For most of us, there are no tools in our lifeboats that will aid us in the process of letting go so that we can move on to live and laugh and love again.
Healing from such an encounter takes energy. It requires a personal commitment to doing what it takes to clear your mind, body and spirit of his or her lies. Healing takes time.
When I first got my life back after the psychopath was arrested I looked at the devastation around me and cried. How could a once vibrant, successful, loving woman have fallen so far from her path? How could she have lost her grace and dignity by loving such a man? I didn’t want to believe that woman was me. I didn’t want to believe my life had crumbled to such disarray. But to heal, I had to accept what was and let go of my disbelief that it couldn’t be true. It was true. I had loved a man who lied. I had fallen into his web and let go of all that I had held true.
Stepping Into Acceptance
That was my first step. Acceptance. Acceptance of my life that day, in that moment. It was in tatters. My home was gone. My life savings evaporated. My belongings disappeared. I had to accept where I was at without falling victim to wishing, ”˜if only’. I had to accept that I had done things that hurt my daughters, my family, my friends, myself. I had to accept that in order to keep the appearance of that relationship alive, I too had lied, deceived and manipulated. In giving into him I had to accept that I had given up on me to the point that I no longer existed as a separate individual. I had conspired with him in my destruction. I had to accept I was a victim of abuse.
Acceptance was hard. Facing the truth of what I had done and what I had become hurt. But, to be free of the past I had to face myself and love myself for the wounded, abused woman that I was and acknowledge that I did not have to stay there. I had to accept that only I could create the change in my life that I desired, that it was up to me. If I wanted to move beyond his abuse, move away from that painful place I found myself in, I would need to find my courage and turn up for myself so that I could step into forgiveness.
The Gift of Forgiveness
And that was my second step. Forgiveness. For all that I had done and said and become that hurt me and everyone in my life. For, no matter how blind or stupid or gullible I had been, no matter how unintentional my actions, I had betrayed the sacred trust I entered into when I gave birth to my daughters. In my betrayal of that trust, I had broken my commitment to be a conscious and loving mother that they could count on to be there for them when they needed me.
Truth was, I hadn’t been there for them. In keeping myself locked in that man’s unholy embrace, I had hurt them. They too had suffered through what he had done, who I had become and what had become of me. For all of us to heal, I needed to forgive myself and to ask for their forgiveness and be willing to accept their right to be angry without picking up their anger for them. In forgiveness, I could lovingly let them move through their pain without forcing them to let it go before they were ready. And in giving them that grace, I gave myself the grace to feel my feelings, without having to deny them, denigrate them, or escape them through searching for myself in someone else’s arms.
My Commitment to Myself
Through forgiveness, I found myself taking my third step. Commitment. To myself, to my daughters, to those who love me. Through my commitment to do what was loving and necessary to get what I needed in my life, I made a commitment to turn up for me, without fear, without judgement, without hesitation. I made a commitment that I would honour my journey, no matter how painful, and keep myself safe on the path to healing by not falling back into remorse, self-denigration, self-abasement and guilt. By committing myself to love myself, warts and all, I gave myself the grace and space to move into my fourth loving step.
Embracing Gratitude
Gratitude. Yes, he had hurt me. Betrayed me. But I was alive. I had the chance to heal, the opportunity to begin again. By stepping into an attitude of gratitude I chose to create harmony, not discord, with all my words and actions. To bemoan what he had done, to focus on his misdeeds would have held me pinioned to the pain of his passing through my life. I deserved better. And so, I embraced gratitude and let regret and remorse go. I did not need to get even with him. I did not need revenge. What I needed was to find my peace of mind, to create a life of harmony without him in it. Every night I wrote out my list of gratitudes, I thanked my angels, God, the Divine. I gave thanks for my life, my daughters’ lives, the love that filled my heart and the opportunity to make amends.
Making Amends
Making amends was my fifth step. Making amends does not mean putting straight other people’s lives. It doesn’t mean righting the past. It means, staying true to who I am today. To keeping my commitments, my word, my promises. It means consciously choosing each step of my journey with dignity and grace, treating my world and everyone in it with integrity, being honest and open about my feelings, my life, my journey. Making amends means asking those I have hurt what they need and being committed to do what it takes to give it to them. Making amends means knowing who I am today and being the best me I can be so that I can live my sixth and final step without reservation.
Living with Grace
There is no easy way through the pain of having loved a psychopath. But, no matter the darkness of the path, the rocks and potholes strewn across the way, the fierce winds that blow or stormy seas we navigate, living with grace gives me the courage to face life’s ups and downs without losing my way. Like a sailboat aiming for shore, my journey is not a straight line. I continually correct my course without losing site of my objective. Standing in my ”˜I’, staying focused on my journey, I am not pulled from my centre by the winds that blow around me. With grace, I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome. With grace, I am free to be all that I am meant to be, confident that my best is good enough.
Thank you, Ox. I appreciate the kindness. I NEED the kindness.
I will come here when feeling weak. I have been on as much as I can since I discovered the site, and feel so much stronger from reading your stories.
Now that you have put a name to a victim, Jessica, I can focus some energy on her. And remember that that could easily be me.
To meet my man, you would never get an inkling of his past. It was only after I sent away for his criminal history from the state police that I got the full picture.
He has been in jail for the bulk of his life since turning 18. And not continuously. He just keeps getting arrested, so the prison time has been from multiple convictions spread out over 24 years.
I have always said he could charm the underwear off a nun. And that explains him. He is seductive and smooth….a very skilled liar.
And we have not touched on the drug use, or the fact that I suspect he is also a sex addict.
What I’m saying is that he is tough to get out of my system. And I am angry, Ox. Angry at being tossed aside after all I did for him, all the devotion of these past four years.
Maybe it’s the anger that has me stuck. Or all I’ve invested. Or being cast aside for some young piece of a–. But I am very angry.
WOW! Thanks to you all for your comments – while my heart breaks for each of you and the emotional pain I read ~ selfishly I admit – I now do not feel so alone!
Forgiveness aww! My mother says how can you be angry at a snake for biting that is what they do ~ its not personal you are just in their way… to which I say I have barely forgiven myself!
Thank you all for sharing!
Dear RFB–welcome, and your mama’s got a point! Glad you are here, sorry you need to be. Keep on reading and learning!
Trimama, My son has been in prison all but about 12 months more or less since he was 17—one crime after another, then murder. NO remorse…never cared, never learned…considers himself a big success. He just wants control. Even the 3-strikes laws won’t keep them honest, they think they won’t get caught….they thinkk they are SOOOO SMART. The crimes my son has done are so stupid, that anyone with “one eye and half sense” should know would get them caught…and he is IQ smart, just DUMB…but he gets caught but it is not his fault of course, always someone else’s fault. When he and Jessica got caught in a credit card scam that was BOUND TO GET THEM CAUGHT—she “ratted him out” to her family and so he decided she had to die for betraying him. SHE DESERVED TO DIE—so he did a GOOD THING! NO remorse, no conscience. He truly believes she deserved to die for what she did. HE has no loyalty, but he thinks he DESERVES LOYALTY. Double standard. Everything for him, nothing for anyone else.
So be careful, remember Jessica…stay away from him, and ANYONE LIKE HIM. Jessica made a poor choice, she did something she shouldn’t have done, but she did NOT deserve to die for her poor judgment. Remember RULE #1–if someone is not honest and kind, you don’t need them in your life. RUN from them. STAY AWAY from them. BE KIND TO YOURSELF and make good choices for YOU. God bless.
RFB,
I give to you the words that were given to me-
It wasn’t you, it was he who lied.
Until you are past the shock and awe of discovery and the intense personal re inventory that healing reauires, its something to hold fast to.
Until you get past it, its personal. Because he lied to you.
I know a lot of people will tell you that you got burned and you are lucky to lose him and that while they are saying so you will nod as another part of you reaches back in memory for the moments that provoked you to fall in love.
Its hard, but it does get better. Hang in there.
We’ll be right here.
silvermoon silvermoon – the words spoken to you were so wise so true…..
Very interesting post, Skylar. I love the way you look at things. Thinking about your post, for me it is just the opposite! I have been so emotionally shut down so much of my life that I didn’t know how to recognize a gut feeling. When I started having access to my feelings, I was so overwhelmed by them that when I’d get angry or feel hurt, I could not tell whether it was appropriate to the situation. I had to ask someone I regarded as healthier than me. I am learning to trust my feelings once again, even when my other senses fool me. I’m learning, too, that I have a right to speak the plain and simple truth about how I feel.
Even with the guy next door (we never really defined what kind of relationship we had), I felt hurt when he stopped calling me. But at first I thought I was supposed to act like it didn’t bother me. When I saw him at the gym, I hid the hurt, not that I went out of my way to talk to him. Now, if I happen to run into him and he ever wants to be friends again, I will just tell him I don’t feel inclined to be his friend because I don’t like the way he treated me. If he presses me for more information, I will tell him that I felt hurt and humiliated when he never returned my last call around New Years. The plain and simple truth of how I feel. There is nothing wrong with my feelings, even though for many years no one ever cared about them or about me. I don’t think this guy cares either, but he’s a musician, so I haven’t quite figured out what he really is like. He’s just too weird for me. I don’t think it was a sociopathic-type discard. I just think he drifted away in a fog of pot.
Thanks Claudia. A pity this psycho has no any sense of humour.
Ox, i could have spotted him in the wild. I have observed many people did it since it is very obvious he’s extremelly egocentric and controller. But my rebelious nature+until a few months ago, my lack of real knowledge of these pathologies made me think he must have been between the boundaries of normality for a professor.
Skylar, i think chinesse balls are of several sizes. By the way, seems they’re very good for exercising vaginal muscles after giving birth.
Well, there i go, to see the monster, and tomorrow too.
Star,
these concepts are so new to me, that I’m still having trouble making sense of them. I know what you mean about having shut down feelings. I’ve been doing that my whole life. My “gut” reaction was to literally get sick, I was a sickly child who couldn’t gain weight or grow very well (unlike the fat little pig I am now, but anyway…)
My parents’s didn’t allow me to express my needs so I stopped feeling them, it was just too awful to live with needs that were never met. Yet, I know that I was still “feeling” my way around the world because as a kid, that repression was felt as fear and illness and as a teenager, my lack of feelings became bravado (for lack of a a better word). I became fearless and ANGRY. I became determined to get my way. What these two “ways of being” have in common is….. are you ready for this.?
… DRAMA! Yep. No wonder the fucking spath was attracted to me. He could see all the drama under the surface, always ready to erupt. I considered myself very intellectual but with a hair-trigger temper. That’s a childish way to be.
And I was (still am) really good at creating drama, if I wanted, just by the way I dressed, wore makeup, hair, the car I drove, the way I drove it. It’s all very dramatic. So of course I was attracting spaths. I had inherited or assimilated these “talents” partly from how I was raised and partly from our culture, which values “attention-seeking” (narcissitic) behaviors. Plus I was a teenager, so that just made me all the more DRAMATIC. That must be another reason spaths are attracted to young teens. sick sick sick. I was ripe for the picking and no parents to protect me. it was so wrong.
Sky, this makes perfect sense. Kids who suffer emotional abuse during childhood find it normal and can’t identify the warning signals later on in life as well as those who don’t. But now all of your experience and what you’ve learned from it provides so much comfort for others. You’re an inspiration. This week I’m getting back to writing, posting on the subjects we’ve talked about last week: emotional abuse and when you love your abuser (Stockholm Syndrome and trauma bonds). If processing your experience through writing helps you and you wish to write a post, please let me know. Nobody knows better about trauma bonds than those who have been through them.
Claudia,
I read your blog this morning.
I see you wrote about the trauma bond and women who stay with psychopaths. Thanks for doing that. It’s an important and large part of how psychopaths do what they do.
I might take you up on that offer, Claudia, if I come up with something to write. It would probably be about the trauma bond because I do have so much experience with it. 🙁