There is no straight line to healing after an encounter with a psychopath. No clearly defined path that says, step here, go there. For most of us, there are no tools in our lifeboats that will aid us in the process of letting go so that we can move on to live and laugh and love again.
Healing from such an encounter takes energy. It requires a personal commitment to doing what it takes to clear your mind, body and spirit of his or her lies. Healing takes time.
When I first got my life back after the psychopath was arrested I looked at the devastation around me and cried. How could a once vibrant, successful, loving woman have fallen so far from her path? How could she have lost her grace and dignity by loving such a man? I didn’t want to believe that woman was me. I didn’t want to believe my life had crumbled to such disarray. But to heal, I had to accept what was and let go of my disbelief that it couldn’t be true. It was true. I had loved a man who lied. I had fallen into his web and let go of all that I had held true.
Stepping Into Acceptance
That was my first step. Acceptance. Acceptance of my life that day, in that moment. It was in tatters. My home was gone. My life savings evaporated. My belongings disappeared. I had to accept where I was at without falling victim to wishing, ”˜if only’. I had to accept that I had done things that hurt my daughters, my family, my friends, myself. I had to accept that in order to keep the appearance of that relationship alive, I too had lied, deceived and manipulated. In giving into him I had to accept that I had given up on me to the point that I no longer existed as a separate individual. I had conspired with him in my destruction. I had to accept I was a victim of abuse.
Acceptance was hard. Facing the truth of what I had done and what I had become hurt. But, to be free of the past I had to face myself and love myself for the wounded, abused woman that I was and acknowledge that I did not have to stay there. I had to accept that only I could create the change in my life that I desired, that it was up to me. If I wanted to move beyond his abuse, move away from that painful place I found myself in, I would need to find my courage and turn up for myself so that I could step into forgiveness.
The Gift of Forgiveness
And that was my second step. Forgiveness. For all that I had done and said and become that hurt me and everyone in my life. For, no matter how blind or stupid or gullible I had been, no matter how unintentional my actions, I had betrayed the sacred trust I entered into when I gave birth to my daughters. In my betrayal of that trust, I had broken my commitment to be a conscious and loving mother that they could count on to be there for them when they needed me.
Truth was, I hadn’t been there for them. In keeping myself locked in that man’s unholy embrace, I had hurt them. They too had suffered through what he had done, who I had become and what had become of me. For all of us to heal, I needed to forgive myself and to ask for their forgiveness and be willing to accept their right to be angry without picking up their anger for them. In forgiveness, I could lovingly let them move through their pain without forcing them to let it go before they were ready. And in giving them that grace, I gave myself the grace to feel my feelings, without having to deny them, denigrate them, or escape them through searching for myself in someone else’s arms.
My Commitment to Myself
Through forgiveness, I found myself taking my third step. Commitment. To myself, to my daughters, to those who love me. Through my commitment to do what was loving and necessary to get what I needed in my life, I made a commitment to turn up for me, without fear, without judgement, without hesitation. I made a commitment that I would honour my journey, no matter how painful, and keep myself safe on the path to healing by not falling back into remorse, self-denigration, self-abasement and guilt. By committing myself to love myself, warts and all, I gave myself the grace and space to move into my fourth loving step.
Embracing Gratitude
Gratitude. Yes, he had hurt me. Betrayed me. But I was alive. I had the chance to heal, the opportunity to begin again. By stepping into an attitude of gratitude I chose to create harmony, not discord, with all my words and actions. To bemoan what he had done, to focus on his misdeeds would have held me pinioned to the pain of his passing through my life. I deserved better. And so, I embraced gratitude and let regret and remorse go. I did not need to get even with him. I did not need revenge. What I needed was to find my peace of mind, to create a life of harmony without him in it. Every night I wrote out my list of gratitudes, I thanked my angels, God, the Divine. I gave thanks for my life, my daughters’ lives, the love that filled my heart and the opportunity to make amends.
Making Amends
Making amends was my fifth step. Making amends does not mean putting straight other people’s lives. It doesn’t mean righting the past. It means, staying true to who I am today. To keeping my commitments, my word, my promises. It means consciously choosing each step of my journey with dignity and grace, treating my world and everyone in it with integrity, being honest and open about my feelings, my life, my journey. Making amends means asking those I have hurt what they need and being committed to do what it takes to give it to them. Making amends means knowing who I am today and being the best me I can be so that I can live my sixth and final step without reservation.
Living with Grace
There is no easy way through the pain of having loved a psychopath. But, no matter the darkness of the path, the rocks and potholes strewn across the way, the fierce winds that blow or stormy seas we navigate, living with grace gives me the courage to face life’s ups and downs without losing my way. Like a sailboat aiming for shore, my journey is not a straight line. I continually correct my course without losing site of my objective. Standing in my ”˜I’, staying focused on my journey, I am not pulled from my centre by the winds that blow around me. With grace, I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome. With grace, I am free to be all that I am meant to be, confident that my best is good enough.
Great advice I totally agree! I was raised chatolic and quit going to church as an adult. A friend invited me to bible study at her christian church. WOW I now have God to talk to and a support group that I go to every Friday. You are correct over time I felt a connection. The best thing is that God will not judge you, he understands. As soon as I started talking and trusting God.. everything changed and I felt so much better. God will help you.. I wish I had re conected with God sooner! This is very hard.. why go throuh this alone.. give God a try.. he loves you!
Skylar or onejoy, I am going back over posts looking for Rene Girard link, and can’t find it. Could you post it again?
If I find it in the mean time I will let you know.
Thanks.
Never mind. I found it. 🙂
Kim, it’s interesting that you liken my relationship to Raymond as substituting him for God. God is a part of your believe system, but not a huge part of mine, though I have prayed to a higher power at times when necessary. Raymond is someone I felt very close to. And no, he is not a sociopath. I don’t know why this is the only thing that seems to be helping me at the moment. I envy those who pray to a God on a regular basis. I feel more akin to the Buddhist teachings, which don’t include the concept of a separate “God”. That concept is meaningless to me at the moment. In my life, “God” has always manifested itself to me through the kindness of people in my life. I do understand where you are coming from, though. It’s okay if you think I’m pathetic. That’s pretty much what I think of myself right now. But I will go to work and put a smile on my face and tune the pain out as much as I can for 8 hours. Hopefully, soon, I’ll get through this. I get so tired of the ups and downs. I do so well for weeks at a time, and then this.
(((((((Star)))))))) I’m so sorry you feel so low.
LL – I have an imaginary friend also – I call him BigFoot – he drinks beer with me and listen’s to all my woe’s..he is not like my other imaginary friend the x spath – Bigfoot has no reflection in my mirror and he is not wearing a body suit..
Dylan Thomas wrote about fighting for your life in his poem
“Do not Go Gentle into that Good night”
And I remind us all that the urge to slip into the void is so tempting.
Here’s the challenge: what if the void is what opened the door to the pretenders?
Find peace in quiet times. Find people you CAN honestly connect with.
Release the pain in each breath and find yourself in a new place in body and spirit. The pain can’t hold you, if you don’t embrace it.
Make your mission to overcome.
I think about seeing the rowing boats on Schukyll River in Phila and I think about the precision of how the team pulls the oars and how it appears from a distance that the boats glide effortlessly across the water. They don’t, but it looks that way.
Its hard work to put the oars of determination into the river of life and PULL yourself across the currents of despair. But it is good work and OH, so worth the effort.
You have mates here in that same boat. And we pull with you.
When you are down, flashing back or just kind of lost in the whole thing, that is when you need to pull the hardest.
And somehow. when you do, there is an invisible hand on your oars that will help you go ahead.
Herman Hesse has a wonderful quote about it that I almost, but barely remember which was to say:
Until you commit, until you decide, nothing can happen. But when you do, Providence moves with you.
Every down time is an opportunity to renew your vow to yourself that you will not only endure this insult, but you will prevail. Renew that promise to yourself in the way that has meaning to you. And celebrate that you have an inspiration to do so.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkNsEH1GD7Q
Wonderful post, Silver. Thanks.
Kim,
you DO have your shit together. You are one of the most perceptive and intuitive people I’ve “met”.
Dear Silvermoon,
It is posts like the one above that make me SO WONDERFULLY THANKFUL that you are HERE. Your compassion and common sense at the times when we are the lowest, your philosophy of hope that seems to come at just the right moment is so wonderful and uplifting! THANK YOU for being you! Thank you for sharing that wonderful YOU with US! (((hugs)))
Star, sweetie, I think in a way I agree with Kim about what you are looking for to fill your void—and I too can relate to that because I too looked to fill my own void with someone to love me. I was very fortunate to have my late husband for 20 years until his death in 2004, but you know, I realize now that much of my life, WAY too much of my life, I let others fill the void in me. I was FORTUNATE to have my husband and he did fill that void, but because I had used another person to fill my empty center, when he died I BECAME EMPTY AGAIN. That was when I did what I had apparently always done, found someone to fill that empty void in myself—and a psychopath volunteered to do that. (Don’t they always seem to appear to fill those voids?)
I was TERRIFIED of growing old alone and unloved. Admitting this to myself was some how shame filed as well. Because when I was younger I was very attractive and entertaining, I never had any problem for volunteers to fill my void, but now at age 64 there’s no line formed outside my door of attractive and intelligent men volunteering to be my lover. That terrified me at first. But then I realized finally that there is NO ONE who can assure us that they will be with us forever until the day we draw our last breath, that they will take care of us until then. My husband didn’t purposely desert me, he loved me. I was there for him at his death, but he can’t be there for mine…or the years in between now and then. I have to make it on my own. Even if I were to find another loving partner (and, frankly the statistical odds are pretty slim unless I want to down grade my requirements for a partner) there is no assurance I will not out live him as well. That is just a FACT of life.
There are no iron clad contractual assurances of ANYTHING in this life. The people in the towers on 9/11 didn’t know it would be their day to die or just how they would go. Nothing is constant but CHANGE. I iknow I have mentioned this book 100 times at least on Love Fraud but Dr. Viktor Frankl’s book “Man’s Search for Meaning” put me on the road to realizing that there IS MEANING IN LIFE and that yes, we can lose EVERYTHING except the ability to breathe and still find meaning in our lives. If that man could do so after years inside a Nazi slave labor camp under the most horrible conditions living under the constant and continual TORTURE by the ultimate in psychopaths and losing everything he valued except his life, then I think I can too. I can find MEANING AND PEACE IN LIFE because I am determined to. I am going to find a peace that NO ONE can take away from me because it is INSIDE ME. No other person can give me that peace, that assurance, but I have to make it for myself. I have to internalize that peace and meaning, but by doing so, no matter what else happens in my life, it will be there for me.
It’s hard work to find it, and it takes continual work to keep it functional and in place, but I am willing to do so in order to be secure with MYSELF. If I find a partner in life to share that with, wonderful, but if I don’t, that is still okay, because I AM STILL OKAY.