There is no straight line to healing after an encounter with a psychopath. No clearly defined path that says, step here, go there. For most of us, there are no tools in our lifeboats that will aid us in the process of letting go so that we can move on to live and laugh and love again.
Healing from such an encounter takes energy. It requires a personal commitment to doing what it takes to clear your mind, body and spirit of his or her lies. Healing takes time.
When I first got my life back after the psychopath was arrested I looked at the devastation around me and cried. How could a once vibrant, successful, loving woman have fallen so far from her path? How could she have lost her grace and dignity by loving such a man? I didn’t want to believe that woman was me. I didn’t want to believe my life had crumbled to such disarray. But to heal, I had to accept what was and let go of my disbelief that it couldn’t be true. It was true. I had loved a man who lied. I had fallen into his web and let go of all that I had held true.
Stepping Into Acceptance
That was my first step. Acceptance. Acceptance of my life that day, in that moment. It was in tatters. My home was gone. My life savings evaporated. My belongings disappeared. I had to accept where I was at without falling victim to wishing, ”˜if only’. I had to accept that I had done things that hurt my daughters, my family, my friends, myself. I had to accept that in order to keep the appearance of that relationship alive, I too had lied, deceived and manipulated. In giving into him I had to accept that I had given up on me to the point that I no longer existed as a separate individual. I had conspired with him in my destruction. I had to accept I was a victim of abuse.
Acceptance was hard. Facing the truth of what I had done and what I had become hurt. But, to be free of the past I had to face myself and love myself for the wounded, abused woman that I was and acknowledge that I did not have to stay there. I had to accept that only I could create the change in my life that I desired, that it was up to me. If I wanted to move beyond his abuse, move away from that painful place I found myself in, I would need to find my courage and turn up for myself so that I could step into forgiveness.
The Gift of Forgiveness
And that was my second step. Forgiveness. For all that I had done and said and become that hurt me and everyone in my life. For, no matter how blind or stupid or gullible I had been, no matter how unintentional my actions, I had betrayed the sacred trust I entered into when I gave birth to my daughters. In my betrayal of that trust, I had broken my commitment to be a conscious and loving mother that they could count on to be there for them when they needed me.
Truth was, I hadn’t been there for them. In keeping myself locked in that man’s unholy embrace, I had hurt them. They too had suffered through what he had done, who I had become and what had become of me. For all of us to heal, I needed to forgive myself and to ask for their forgiveness and be willing to accept their right to be angry without picking up their anger for them. In forgiveness, I could lovingly let them move through their pain without forcing them to let it go before they were ready. And in giving them that grace, I gave myself the grace to feel my feelings, without having to deny them, denigrate them, or escape them through searching for myself in someone else’s arms.
My Commitment to Myself
Through forgiveness, I found myself taking my third step. Commitment. To myself, to my daughters, to those who love me. Through my commitment to do what was loving and necessary to get what I needed in my life, I made a commitment to turn up for me, without fear, without judgement, without hesitation. I made a commitment that I would honour my journey, no matter how painful, and keep myself safe on the path to healing by not falling back into remorse, self-denigration, self-abasement and guilt. By committing myself to love myself, warts and all, I gave myself the grace and space to move into my fourth loving step.
Embracing Gratitude
Gratitude. Yes, he had hurt me. Betrayed me. But I was alive. I had the chance to heal, the opportunity to begin again. By stepping into an attitude of gratitude I chose to create harmony, not discord, with all my words and actions. To bemoan what he had done, to focus on his misdeeds would have held me pinioned to the pain of his passing through my life. I deserved better. And so, I embraced gratitude and let regret and remorse go. I did not need to get even with him. I did not need revenge. What I needed was to find my peace of mind, to create a life of harmony without him in it. Every night I wrote out my list of gratitudes, I thanked my angels, God, the Divine. I gave thanks for my life, my daughters’ lives, the love that filled my heart and the opportunity to make amends.
Making Amends
Making amends was my fifth step. Making amends does not mean putting straight other people’s lives. It doesn’t mean righting the past. It means, staying true to who I am today. To keeping my commitments, my word, my promises. It means consciously choosing each step of my journey with dignity and grace, treating my world and everyone in it with integrity, being honest and open about my feelings, my life, my journey. Making amends means asking those I have hurt what they need and being committed to do what it takes to give it to them. Making amends means knowing who I am today and being the best me I can be so that I can live my sixth and final step without reservation.
Living with Grace
There is no easy way through the pain of having loved a psychopath. But, no matter the darkness of the path, the rocks and potholes strewn across the way, the fierce winds that blow or stormy seas we navigate, living with grace gives me the courage to face life’s ups and downs without losing my way. Like a sailboat aiming for shore, my journey is not a straight line. I continually correct my course without losing site of my objective. Standing in my ”˜I’, staying focused on my journey, I am not pulled from my centre by the winds that blow around me. With grace, I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome. With grace, I am free to be all that I am meant to be, confident that my best is good enough.
Thank you Skylar. But I’m still addicted to bad relationships with toxic men, and like Oxy says above, I’ve aged and I don’t have a line of void fillers beating my door down anymore…and that is a blessing, because if I did I would probably still be doing what I always did, and getting what I always got.
An AA cliche: God was doing for me what I could not do for myself.
But because I was forced to find another way to fill the void, I started to get better.
I can’t remember who said it but an expert on addictions said, “It’s like we have a hole in our guts with the wind ripping through it.”
He goes on to say that this hole in our guts is so empty and painfull that we are willing to use just about anything to fill it up…whether drugs, alcohol, sex, men, gambling, work etc.etc.etc.
Now that hole in the gut thing I got.
Then he goes on to say that the hole in the gut is a God shaped hole, and only God can really fill it, and I get that too.
I hope this isn’t too preachy, but it sure helped me.
Dear Kim,
I think you are soooo right—what I couldn’t or wouldn’t do for myself God is doing for me. But you know, God doesn’t force him/herself on anyone, and that is why I think we must find God on our own journey. I think it is so interesting that so many cultures and such diverse cultures have found a different view of “god” at different times in history and pre-history. Some “gods” are pretty terrible creatures requiring human sacrifice and I think too many times “god” has been used by the psychopaths as the excuse for doing the cruel things they wanted to do to others anyway. I did a comparative study of various religions in the US during my studies on history and it is amazing that the Pilgrims who came here to find religious “freedom” did NOT want to give that same freedom of belief to others that they demanded for themselves. I think all of us have had people who were our ancestors “burned at the stake” by religious zealots and probably also had ancestors who WERE the religious zealots lighting the fagots to burn out other ancestors.
I was reading about that “preacher” and his warped church the other day where they go and protest military funerals because they claim that God is punishing America with military deaths because God hates gays—well, you know, I don’t remember Jesus being the first one to cast a stone at the woman who was caught in adultery—in fact, He is the one who told her that there was no one there condemning her—so I can’t see Jesus there protesting a funeral in God’s name either. I guess there will always be people who use God to cover for their own bad acts. Right now it seems to be more the Muslims that are out to kill others for not believing the way they do, but there are still plenty of “Christians” who have that same 7th century mentality of “believe like I do or DIE!” A perfect cover for the psychopaths just as they used the Temple as a cover in Jesus’ time, they use the church and the mosque today….look at what has gone on in the Catholic church systematically covering for pedophile priests in the name of “protect the church”—excuse me while I puke.
People’s nature hasn’t changed since we were living in caves, psychopaths use and abuse others and use any convenient cover or screen or mask, even the “god mask” to cover their evil hearts and intentions. I wish we could rid the earth of them, but as Pogo said, ‘we have seen the enemy and he is US.”
Oxy, I hope you didn’t think I was trying to force God on anybody. I so agree that we all have to come to our own understanding of God, and we all have to find him in our own way.
Think of all the older crone’s who were burned at the stake for being witches…isn’t it interesting that they weren’t the young pretty girls, but the older wiser women who were healers and spinners and herbalists. This in the name of God, done by threatened power freak spaths…IMHO.
Kimmie, Of course I didn’t think you were trying to force God on anyone. Quit being so fracking paranoid! LOL I DO believe that humans have a spiritual aspect just as we have a physical, emotional and mental aspect, I think there is a spiritual aspect. I accepted my egg donor’s definition of what my spiritual aspect should have been rather than finding my own aspect for way too long. It finally dawned on me that HER interpretation of what God thinks is not necessarily the way it IS, even according to the Bible.
I’ve started to see the Bible and God with DIFFERENT eyes, and not running my thinking through the FILTER of her ideas. Things are a lot different now when I read the Bible…God appears more like a loving father than a Puritan preacher out to burn witches—and me—in hell forever if we don’t believe like the egg donor does and don’t adhere to her lock step march!
That “preacher” who is protesting the military funerals in God’s name Is pretty much like my egg donor only LOUDER, but her beliefs are just almost as harsh. She WOULD have been the one to CAST THE FIRST STONE at the woman caught in Adultery when Jesus said “let ye who are without sin cast the first stone.” She would have THROWN THAT ROCK.
I’m not sure what the outcome of it was or if it has even been settled yet, but that poor woman in Iran who was sentenced to be stoned and there was such an outcry about it on the internet and the news—last I heard she still hadn’t been hung or stoned, but there were some videos of people being stoned put on the internet and they were TERRIBLE and HORRIBLE, such “personal” violence where the onlookers do the execution with stones that are chosen not to kill quickly, but to hurt the person as much as possible. They bury them up to the breasts for women and the waist for men and then hurl these fist-sized stones at them until finally death releases them from the torture and the stone casters go away feeling so HOLY I am sure.
The European (British version) “stoning” was more a pressing, by weighting the person down with heavy rocks until they could not breathe, in other words smothering them by making it impossible to breathe. It was also called “pressing.” The witches of course were guilty either way it went, but the people truly believed in witches, but the “out cry” became hysterical in some cases like in MA.
Executions through history have been from rapid and rather quick like beheading, to crucifying and impaling, thus prolonging death for hours or days. I think the amount of time that western thought has, as a culture, changed some of our views on punishment of all kinds is interesting. I know I’ve changed my own views of a lot of things about prisons and punishments, including the death penalty, as a result of my “interactions” with the in-justice system and the psychopaths.
Most of what I know about the history, I have gained from Arthur Miller’s THE CRUCIBLE was that one of the young women was having or wanted to have an affair with a married man.
The whole thing began as a perjurous defense for her behavior and wound up going horribly wrong.
What would we say about the girls who accused? Well, here on this blog, we could explain A LOT!
“She thinks to dance with me on my wife’s grave! And well she might, for I thought of her softly. God help me, I lusted, and there is a promise in such sweat. But it is a whore’s vengeance, and you must see it.”
John Proctor from The Crucible
Our experiences become a crucible of molding that wisdom. And we were not on any day promised always to have that beauty which attracts. But we are offered everyday, the gracious opportunity to become wiser and deeper knowing ourselves and learning others at a level we could not have achieved in youth.
We did not. And we are here now, I think because of it. Richer for what we have learned and what we may now know to pursue as real and true. This acquired humility and understanding more valuable than treasure.
And yes, herbs too. There are good things to know about herbs – it is an external form of healing that I find compliments the internal work. I can’t explain it all to anyone. Who would sit and listen to so long a story? Who would believe on the telling that it could happen to them?
But I can offer a cup of tea and smile knowingly because the ingredients are quietly combined to have the drinker of it walk away feeling better for no apparent reason….
We are not replaced by anything modern we krones. But somehow, we women who thought we were more modern than vulnerable have grown into wisdom.
I can not help bit think that somehow, things are as they should be with us here- Kim and Ox.
Tea Anyone?
Kimmy,
I just wanted to add something sorta simple here with regards to God from my perspective now. Ox is right, God won’t push himself on anyone, I don’t think we are expected to either. it’s a personal journey. Please don’t think I think that of you, because I share in your faith.
What I’d like to say that what I think is the most beautiful gift from God is that of FREE WILL. We get to CHOOSE to follow God or not. I think that makes my relationship with Him a lot more special. I think it is for Him with me too. 🙂
LL
Okay guys. I didn’t mean to be pushy. I’ll back off on the God thing.
Dear Silvermoon,
Ah Yes, Tea, for sure! “Crones don’t whine” is one of my favorite books…and the wisdom and the peace we learn in our cronehood is beyond price, really.
Herbs too…and patience…and quiet…and calm….and peace….and tolerance…and compassion…and joy. The calmly looking inward, and reaching out as well….realizing that there is so much more to finding meaning in this life than external things. I had my dances in the warmth of the sun, but I am also enjoying my dances with the moon as well. For each thing there is a season…my time now has come to integrate my life into what it has been in the past and what it will be in the future, and to find meaning in it. That in itself has meaning.
KIM!!!! No one was asking you to “back off” the God thing. I was AGREEING WITH YOU!!! BOINK!!!!!! See, now you made me spill silvermoon’s tea! LOL
I want a little honey in mine, please.