There is no straight line to healing after an encounter with a psychopath. No clearly defined path that says, step here, go there. For most of us, there are no tools in our lifeboats that will aid us in the process of letting go so that we can move on to live and laugh and love again.
Healing from such an encounter takes energy. It requires a personal commitment to doing what it takes to clear your mind, body and spirit of his or her lies. Healing takes time.
When I first got my life back after the psychopath was arrested I looked at the devastation around me and cried. How could a once vibrant, successful, loving woman have fallen so far from her path? How could she have lost her grace and dignity by loving such a man? I didn’t want to believe that woman was me. I didn’t want to believe my life had crumbled to such disarray. But to heal, I had to accept what was and let go of my disbelief that it couldn’t be true. It was true. I had loved a man who lied. I had fallen into his web and let go of all that I had held true.
Stepping Into Acceptance
That was my first step. Acceptance. Acceptance of my life that day, in that moment. It was in tatters. My home was gone. My life savings evaporated. My belongings disappeared. I had to accept where I was at without falling victim to wishing, ”˜if only’. I had to accept that I had done things that hurt my daughters, my family, my friends, myself. I had to accept that in order to keep the appearance of that relationship alive, I too had lied, deceived and manipulated. In giving into him I had to accept that I had given up on me to the point that I no longer existed as a separate individual. I had conspired with him in my destruction. I had to accept I was a victim of abuse.
Acceptance was hard. Facing the truth of what I had done and what I had become hurt. But, to be free of the past I had to face myself and love myself for the wounded, abused woman that I was and acknowledge that I did not have to stay there. I had to accept that only I could create the change in my life that I desired, that it was up to me. If I wanted to move beyond his abuse, move away from that painful place I found myself in, I would need to find my courage and turn up for myself so that I could step into forgiveness.
The Gift of Forgiveness
And that was my second step. Forgiveness. For all that I had done and said and become that hurt me and everyone in my life. For, no matter how blind or stupid or gullible I had been, no matter how unintentional my actions, I had betrayed the sacred trust I entered into when I gave birth to my daughters. In my betrayal of that trust, I had broken my commitment to be a conscious and loving mother that they could count on to be there for them when they needed me.
Truth was, I hadn’t been there for them. In keeping myself locked in that man’s unholy embrace, I had hurt them. They too had suffered through what he had done, who I had become and what had become of me. For all of us to heal, I needed to forgive myself and to ask for their forgiveness and be willing to accept their right to be angry without picking up their anger for them. In forgiveness, I could lovingly let them move through their pain without forcing them to let it go before they were ready. And in giving them that grace, I gave myself the grace to feel my feelings, without having to deny them, denigrate them, or escape them through searching for myself in someone else’s arms.
My Commitment to Myself
Through forgiveness, I found myself taking my third step. Commitment. To myself, to my daughters, to those who love me. Through my commitment to do what was loving and necessary to get what I needed in my life, I made a commitment to turn up for me, without fear, without judgement, without hesitation. I made a commitment that I would honour my journey, no matter how painful, and keep myself safe on the path to healing by not falling back into remorse, self-denigration, self-abasement and guilt. By committing myself to love myself, warts and all, I gave myself the grace and space to move into my fourth loving step.
Embracing Gratitude
Gratitude. Yes, he had hurt me. Betrayed me. But I was alive. I had the chance to heal, the opportunity to begin again. By stepping into an attitude of gratitude I chose to create harmony, not discord, with all my words and actions. To bemoan what he had done, to focus on his misdeeds would have held me pinioned to the pain of his passing through my life. I deserved better. And so, I embraced gratitude and let regret and remorse go. I did not need to get even with him. I did not need revenge. What I needed was to find my peace of mind, to create a life of harmony without him in it. Every night I wrote out my list of gratitudes, I thanked my angels, God, the Divine. I gave thanks for my life, my daughters’ lives, the love that filled my heart and the opportunity to make amends.
Making Amends
Making amends was my fifth step. Making amends does not mean putting straight other people’s lives. It doesn’t mean righting the past. It means, staying true to who I am today. To keeping my commitments, my word, my promises. It means consciously choosing each step of my journey with dignity and grace, treating my world and everyone in it with integrity, being honest and open about my feelings, my life, my journey. Making amends means asking those I have hurt what they need and being committed to do what it takes to give it to them. Making amends means knowing who I am today and being the best me I can be so that I can live my sixth and final step without reservation.
Living with Grace
There is no easy way through the pain of having loved a psychopath. But, no matter the darkness of the path, the rocks and potholes strewn across the way, the fierce winds that blow or stormy seas we navigate, living with grace gives me the courage to face life’s ups and downs without losing my way. Like a sailboat aiming for shore, my journey is not a straight line. I continually correct my course without losing site of my objective. Standing in my ”˜I’, staying focused on my journey, I am not pulled from my centre by the winds that blow around me. With grace, I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome. With grace, I am free to be all that I am meant to be, confident that my best is good enough.
Kimmy,
You’re so silly!!!
I LOVE your input about God!!! I hope that my post wasn’t misunderstood. Okay, let me put it this way: It’s COOL to get various opinions (as far as I”m concerned) and perspectives about EVERYONE’S beliefs! I LEARN from them!
I can only speak for myself here, but I don’t think you’re pushing God on me. In fact, SHARE about it more! I like it! Especially if it helps YOU. I learn from that!
LL
Ah yes, Silver, the spath is a tool for teaching us.
When the spath was poisoning my food for so many years, I needed to find out why I was in constant pain. I taught myself to use herbs, teas, aminos and vitamins as well as food for my medicine. It didn’t cure the “spath disease” but it helped me survive and made me wiser about health. The physical pain taught me compassion for others better than anything else ever had. Learning about the spaths is teaching me compassion for myself.
It’s all what you make of it. I’ll take my tea with some agave syrup please.
It’s a GLOOMY, rainy, windy, nasty “spring” day here—but we NEED THE RAIN so I’m not griping about it , just commenting. In fact, I think I WILL go make myself a cup of decaf tea! Warms the soul as well as the belly!
I’m still learning about the low-sodium cooking, and actually it is getting to be fun and a CHALLENGE to learn something NEW about cooking. I actually am enjoying it and figuring out ways to make my FAVORITE dishes and still keep them LOW sodium. I found NO sodium baking powder and NO sodium baking soda! So can have corn bread now.. My son laughed about the NO SODIUM BAKING SODA when he saw the can and I asked him what it is, he said WE HAVE A 50 POUND SACK IN THE BARN? I said WHAT? He said “Yea, it is calcium carbonate> Know what that is? I said LIME? Like you feed to cattle as a supplement? He said “YEP!!!! It is also what we chalk our hands with in rock climbing! So my small 1-2 ounces of SODIUM FREE BAKING SODA cost about $10 and 50 pounds of the same thing cost like $5 !!!!! LOL ROTFLMAO Ain’t that a hoot! But anyway, now I can make things without all that sodium in them. So tonight it is my favorite comfort food, brown beans and cornbread—cooked without the pork or salt….but my “taster” is adjusting too, so it doesn’t taste bad without the salt any more. I’m actually getting to where I am WELL BELOW 750 mg of sodium which is half again below the highest recommendation of 1500 mg by the American Heart Association. I’m gonna be so healthy here before you know it I will die in PERFECT HEALTH because someone gets tired of hearing me tell how well I’m doing and murders me!@....... LOL
Today was really, really hard.
The hard truth that this is over is sinking in, and I am NOT liking it.
Don’t get me wrong…I recognize the need for it to be over. I am tired of living in pain. And I am tired of the fear in my life…fear of his getting angry, fear that he will do something that will get me arrested, fear of everything.
I never used to be afraid.
But letting go of this, whatever this is anymore, is hard.
In a way, I am blessed. He cast me aside for a younger female. But he had been stepping out the whole time we were together. As he will with her.
So I don’t have a lot of choice in the matter is what I’m saying. And that is a good thing.
My books came in the mail today. I feel as though I’ve been handed a lifeline. I have next to me here The Betrayal Bond and The Gift of Betrayal.
And I’ve gotten a therapist to help me work through this.
I am doing the right things. But in my heart, I have not made a decision to let go.
I miss him. And I want him back. And the scary thing is if he called me, I would rationalize a way to take him back.
And the painful cycle would begin again probably until one of us is dead.
Yes, Ox Drover, you are right.
God is safeguarding me though I hate him for it.
I came home from work and the house was empty. My adult daughters were out. And I screamed and cried and railed at the unfairness of it all. I gave and gave and gave, only to be betrayed.
I am so angry, so hurt.
(((((((((((( trimama )))))))))))))
I completely understand how you feel and I’m so sorry you’re feeling this pain. I had a night like that last night and today much of the same, when I felt resolve not just 48 hours before…it comes and it goes….
I felt like that too………that if he contacted me, I’d go right back. I wouldn’t hesitate. Well guess what, he contacted me. And when it actually happened, I’d been on the blog just long enough that I didn’t want to go back, but I did come here. I raised a lot of hell doing it, but i DID come here instead. My mind had already made the switch to “if you go back, you get more of the same”….my ex was use to me begging him back.
I’m still feeling the same today, and that’s why I’m here, but I’m also doing other things now, little by little in my life….
Read your books, mama. Reading and crying if you have too….all of that is cleansing for you. It will hurt for awhile….
Just hang on here if you have too. You’ll enjoy your books:)
Promise
HUGS
Hang in there.
LL
Skylar,
Check out this website. Several agents in my office have used it. I took a look at the home page, briefly. Looks like it could be a good referrence. I looked at the MLS, but nothing within your criteria. I put a call in to my friends in Long Beach. Waiting to hear back. I have to go do showings and I willl be done at around 7:00, this evening. I will check back here, then. Thank you for your patience. It’s been a doozie of a day. But business seems to be picking up a bit so this is good.
Vacation Rentals By Owner
http://www.vrbo.com/
Talk to you soon Hope you’ve been enjoying your day!
Hello to everyone else!!
Eden
Silver:
“Dylan Thomas wrote about fighting for your life in his poem
“Do not Go Gentle into that Good night”
And I remind us all that the urge to slip into the void is so tempting.
Here’s the challenge: what if the void is what opened the door to the pretenders?
Find peace in quiet times. Find people you CAN honestly connect with.
Release the pain in each breath and find yourself in a new place in body and spirit. The pain can’t hold you, if you don’t embrace it.
Make your mission to overcome.
I think about seeing the rowing boats on Schukyll River in Phila and I think about the precision of how the team pulls the oars and how it appears from a distance that the boats glide effortlessly across the water. They don’t, but it looks that way.
Its hard work to put the oars of determination into the river of life and PULL yourself across the currents of despair. But it is good work and OH, so worth the effort.
You have mates here in that same boat. And we pull with you.
When you are down, flashing back or just kind of lost in the whole thing, that is when you need to pull the hardest.
And somehow. when you do, there is an invisible hand on your oars that will help you go ahead.
Herman Hesse has a wonderful quote about it that I almost, but barely remember which was to say:
Until you commit, until you decide, nothing can happen. But when you do, Providence moves with you.
Every down time is an opportunity to renew your vow to yourself that you will not only endure this insult, but you will prevail. Renew that promise to yourself in the way that has meaning to you. And celebrate that you have an inspiration to do so.”
that is absolutely beautiful. You speak with such eloquence…there is something in your wisdom that is so calming.
LL
Dear Trimama,
We do understand how you are drawn back toward his web, but if you give in it may be at the cost of your life, it will be at the cost of great pain.
Get to reading and keep on reading until you can’t read any more. Then come back here and blog….it is okay for you to be needy now. Be good to yourself. That is okay too. It is very necessary in fact for you to be good to yourself. Eat well, sleep if you can. Rest if you can’t sleep. Take a long hot bath or shower.
I’m glad you are seeing a counselor, that is a good thing. I hope that they “get it” about what a psychopath is, if not, find another counselor. This is a painful period of time, it is like you have had a “death in the family” and you have had the DEATH of a relationship, or what you THOUGHT was a relationship, but it was only a FOG—fear, obligation and guilt. It was NOT real, but you thought it was so it is a loss. A pain, but you will live, you will get better. (((hugs))) and my prayers fo ryou.
Wow! Silvermoon? I, too, love to watch the crew teams on the Schuykill. Especially in bad weather when you know they are digging down against the pain to achieve.
Kind of like what we are doing here and now.
I so appreciate the immediate support of all of you. I feel so naked and scared. Because I have not committed to moving away from this situation. It is moving away from me whether I commit or not, and for that I am thankful to God.
But to hold onto the pain is somehow to hold onto him. That sounds so sick.
I lost sight of investing in myself.
And I can’t seem to find the drive to take a new look.
You are kind and wise, LL. Very much like Ox Drover. I find comfort in your support.
I had been doing so well, reminding myself of each of the insane things he has done to me so that I could tap into anger instead of sorrow. I was trying to connect each fond memory in my head with something he did to hurt me.
For example, I would think of the glow on his face when we kayaked and connect that with his having stolen my car.
Or linking the seductive baritone of his voice with his having sex with an 18 year old girl who had been sexually abused by her father (he is older than her father, in his forties!). While he was living with me….meanwhile promising her a relationship.
And connect that with his having told me he needed to get away to visit an old friend in a nearby city and needed money for a motel room. Where the 18 year old met him for a night of romance!
And just looking at the scar on my left cheek reminds me that the rage/abuse will not end. This is him. This is it. This is all there can ever be.
And god bless the next girl. It will be no different for her. He will just keep moving on to the next victim, floating through the city like a flea. The city is big. He has an endless supply.
Not a lot of that worked, because I had not committed to a decision. I did the action steps without the action plan.
I am thankful for your support, LL. And will
Kim,
I don’t feel like you were trying to push anything on me. I honestly wish I could be like other folks sometimes. Just to give you a little background, I did not grow up Christian like many of you. There was no type of spirituality in my family (though I’m Jewish by heritage). When I was about 7 (and still in my magical thinking stage) I began believing in God. I also believed in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. I prayed on a few occasions for things that I was really worried about, and when those problems got fixed, it reaffirmed by belief. However, I prayed and prayed for years for my mother to leave my abusive stepfather. She never did, even though I begged her. I eventually stopped believing in God. When I was 23, I started meditating in the Buddhist tradition, and almost ordained. This has shaped a lot of my beliefs, although I don’t really label myself as anything. I have tried and tried over the years to become something similar to a Christian, but it has just never “taken” for me; I just do not regularly believe in a being that is “out there”. Sometimes I have prayed to a higher power to get through a difficult time. But during those times, I feel I’m just borrowing the concept. Beliefs are so very powerful. For me, I don’t see what the difference is between talking to one imagined being or talking to another. I can relate more to the one that is human. The times I have felt the strongest presence of “God” have been when I’ve been touched by the true kindness of human beings. Once when I was very sick and almost dying, my boss came and took care of me and pretty much saved my life. To me, this is God. Something manifested through human beings. I suppose if I felt as close to her as to Raymond, I could “talk” to an imaginary image of her, too. Do you think it really matters who I talk to if it helps?
I imagine that Raymond cares about me, as others have husbands or parents or children who care about them, and I am able to smile and get through the day lately. It may be the only anchor I have to pull me out this time.
I was grateful to go to work today and smile at people and laugh and get my mind off myself. But the depression hit me about halfway through the day when I started getting triggered into self-esteem issues and I felt pretty overwhelmed. I just shut down, an old familiar behavior for me. I realize that I’m not really in control of my feelings right now. I don’t really know how to take care of myself and how to process this stuff. I honestly just don’t know what to do. Fortunately, over the years, I’ve learned to function very well. I am very well liked by so many people. They regard me as happy and fun-loving. I laugh a lot. But I have so much pain on the inside that no one knows about. This is what I am confused about. I just walked away from a therapy opportunity. But honestly, I haven’t trusted or even liked most of the therapists I’ve known either. Once in a great while someone has come along like an angel in my life and has been someone I could open up to, if only for a brief time. Raymond was one of those people. I showed him my pain and he didn’t run away.
Thanks for letting me vent. Hens, were you mocking me? It’s sometimes hard to tell. I will probably take a break from here until I’m feeling better. I don’t want to bring the site down. I’m just feeling stuck and feeling like I’m groping for tools to deal with it.
Love,
Star