There is no straight line to healing after an encounter with a psychopath. No clearly defined path that says, step here, go there. For most of us, there are no tools in our lifeboats that will aid us in the process of letting go so that we can move on to live and laugh and love again.
Healing from such an encounter takes energy. It requires a personal commitment to doing what it takes to clear your mind, body and spirit of his or her lies. Healing takes time.
When I first got my life back after the psychopath was arrested I looked at the devastation around me and cried. How could a once vibrant, successful, loving woman have fallen so far from her path? How could she have lost her grace and dignity by loving such a man? I didn’t want to believe that woman was me. I didn’t want to believe my life had crumbled to such disarray. But to heal, I had to accept what was and let go of my disbelief that it couldn’t be true. It was true. I had loved a man who lied. I had fallen into his web and let go of all that I had held true.
Stepping Into Acceptance
That was my first step. Acceptance. Acceptance of my life that day, in that moment. It was in tatters. My home was gone. My life savings evaporated. My belongings disappeared. I had to accept where I was at without falling victim to wishing, ”˜if only’. I had to accept that I had done things that hurt my daughters, my family, my friends, myself. I had to accept that in order to keep the appearance of that relationship alive, I too had lied, deceived and manipulated. In giving into him I had to accept that I had given up on me to the point that I no longer existed as a separate individual. I had conspired with him in my destruction. I had to accept I was a victim of abuse.
Acceptance was hard. Facing the truth of what I had done and what I had become hurt. But, to be free of the past I had to face myself and love myself for the wounded, abused woman that I was and acknowledge that I did not have to stay there. I had to accept that only I could create the change in my life that I desired, that it was up to me. If I wanted to move beyond his abuse, move away from that painful place I found myself in, I would need to find my courage and turn up for myself so that I could step into forgiveness.
The Gift of Forgiveness
And that was my second step. Forgiveness. For all that I had done and said and become that hurt me and everyone in my life. For, no matter how blind or stupid or gullible I had been, no matter how unintentional my actions, I had betrayed the sacred trust I entered into when I gave birth to my daughters. In my betrayal of that trust, I had broken my commitment to be a conscious and loving mother that they could count on to be there for them when they needed me.
Truth was, I hadn’t been there for them. In keeping myself locked in that man’s unholy embrace, I had hurt them. They too had suffered through what he had done, who I had become and what had become of me. For all of us to heal, I needed to forgive myself and to ask for their forgiveness and be willing to accept their right to be angry without picking up their anger for them. In forgiveness, I could lovingly let them move through their pain without forcing them to let it go before they were ready. And in giving them that grace, I gave myself the grace to feel my feelings, without having to deny them, denigrate them, or escape them through searching for myself in someone else’s arms.
My Commitment to Myself
Through forgiveness, I found myself taking my third step. Commitment. To myself, to my daughters, to those who love me. Through my commitment to do what was loving and necessary to get what I needed in my life, I made a commitment to turn up for me, without fear, without judgement, without hesitation. I made a commitment that I would honour my journey, no matter how painful, and keep myself safe on the path to healing by not falling back into remorse, self-denigration, self-abasement and guilt. By committing myself to love myself, warts and all, I gave myself the grace and space to move into my fourth loving step.
Embracing Gratitude
Gratitude. Yes, he had hurt me. Betrayed me. But I was alive. I had the chance to heal, the opportunity to begin again. By stepping into an attitude of gratitude I chose to create harmony, not discord, with all my words and actions. To bemoan what he had done, to focus on his misdeeds would have held me pinioned to the pain of his passing through my life. I deserved better. And so, I embraced gratitude and let regret and remorse go. I did not need to get even with him. I did not need revenge. What I needed was to find my peace of mind, to create a life of harmony without him in it. Every night I wrote out my list of gratitudes, I thanked my angels, God, the Divine. I gave thanks for my life, my daughters’ lives, the love that filled my heart and the opportunity to make amends.
Making Amends
Making amends was my fifth step. Making amends does not mean putting straight other people’s lives. It doesn’t mean righting the past. It means, staying true to who I am today. To keeping my commitments, my word, my promises. It means consciously choosing each step of my journey with dignity and grace, treating my world and everyone in it with integrity, being honest and open about my feelings, my life, my journey. Making amends means asking those I have hurt what they need and being committed to do what it takes to give it to them. Making amends means knowing who I am today and being the best me I can be so that I can live my sixth and final step without reservation.
Living with Grace
There is no easy way through the pain of having loved a psychopath. But, no matter the darkness of the path, the rocks and potholes strewn across the way, the fierce winds that blow or stormy seas we navigate, living with grace gives me the courage to face life’s ups and downs without losing my way. Like a sailboat aiming for shore, my journey is not a straight line. I continually correct my course without losing site of my objective. Standing in my ”˜I’, staying focused on my journey, I am not pulled from my centre by the winds that blow around me. With grace, I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome. With grace, I am free to be all that I am meant to be, confident that my best is good enough.
Dear Star,
Don’t take a break from here when you need it the MOST!~!! That’s what LF is all about. I know it is difficult to trust when you have been betrayed so many times, and it really does sound like you are clinically depressed. Maybe THAT therapy wasn’t what you needed, and that kind of therapy really takes a long time to “get any good” out of it, but there are other kinds of therapy that are not so draining and do so much more “good” more quickly. I really do suggest that you consider finding BCT or some EMDR or other kiind of therapy that focuses on those inner voids and inner pains.
Sometimes we “pray for” things and the answer is NO, or NOT RIGHT NOW—because we really don’t actually I think sometimes KNOW what it is that we really need or even want.
I remember feeling very DOWN because I lost a job I loved, but then it turned out later, that if I hadn’t lost that job that I loved, I wouldn’t have been able to spend the last year and a half of my husband’s life home for 5 days a week with him. That time is precious to me. So sometimes “bad” things turn out to be a gift. Call it Karma or whatever you want to, it is the same concept. It looks bad now, but in the end it is something that leads to something better. The day my husband died I broke my finger that morning or I would have been gone. A broken finger kept me home so I got a chance to say goodbye to him. A broken finger was a GIFT FROM GOD. Sometimes we just don’t see it at the time it happens that it will lead to something that is good or positive. I think and I think there are others here who have expressed the same feeling I am going to, that the bad experiences I’ve had have lead me to be a better, happier and stronger person than I would have been, than I was, prior to all this drama and trauma.
I really wish you would read Dr. Frankl’s book “Man’s search for meaning”—this man lost everything and he wasn’t religious either, but still he found MEANING in his suffering in the Nazi camps. His attitude is what started me turning around. I figured if he could suffer so much and yet still find meaning in life, in being human then so can I. We all can, we just have to know where to look. ((((hugs)))) Love Oxy
Eden,
I’ll check that out, thank you.
I have to go out for a bit as well. I’ll be back on tonight and also checking in with my phone.
I’ve gotten another response from a “suspicious” craigslist homeowner. I guess that’s what I can expect for looking on craigslist…:(
Anyway, I’m looking for something in the Almeda beach area because that’s the closest to the convention center. But would be willing to change that if you found a great deal.
Star,
you shouldn’t leave when you feel down. When I feel down I log on here and whine like a baby. It always helps. Someone will put their virtual arms around me and give me words of wisdom. LF is just the salve you need.
I don’t know what I feel. Not only did he find another way to contact me (yes, I blocked that path also) but today was the first time we have actually seen each other in 7 weeks. As soon as I saw him I avoided eye contact and walked as far away as I could. He didn’t say anything to me or try and approach me, probably because it was at work & he’s smart enough not to jeopardize his new job (my mistake for referring him for a position in my company.) What next? He’s blocked from calls, texts, facebook, e-mail – I tried to keep my cool but I know he was watching for any signs of weakness – predatory beast. How can I stay on the defense?
Star-seriously, if you want someone to talk to, you can get my email address from Donna and I will talk to you. I am in the same situation as you right now. I have absolutely no one to talk to either and it’s really hard. I call my dad long distance but it’s not the same and he can’t completely relate to what I’m going through-even though he tries, and my stepmom is busy with her job. It seems like so many of my friends are busy with their stuff and they just don’t care.
We all need someone to talk to.
Trimama,
Thanks for the correct spelling- I always make a mess of that word! LOL!
I’ve been many years away from the “old Country” but there is no where more lovely or verdant I do believe.
Yes, the seductive Baritone that would tell me stories as I slipped off to sleep so gently and so at peace. Until I found out (a very hard way) that the stories were only that and everything else was a lie. After I went to sleep, he hopped up and wrote emails to his girlfriends and made dates. On 20 different dating sites.
I couldn’t get angry, Not angry all fired up. He evaporated. I needed only time and the stitches of friendship and support to close the rip he made in my oxygen layer. I found all I had to do was let him go. Like a balloon that got out of hand. And then, the air came back.
Its hard to remember why I’d have mud wrestled the devil for him. They say women fall in love with their ears. I guess I did. And then there was silence. And time to consider the truth.
I would not now trade the truth for anything else. Not even a baritone. Being among real and true and caring souls is so much better.
No matter where you row your boat……..
Oxy, I read that book Man’s Search for Meaning on your recommendation a few years ago. I really enjoyed it and got a lot out of it. I remember that what got him through the tough times was thinking about his wife, even though she had been killed and he never saw her again. Did you ever see that movie Cast Away? The memory of his wife kept him going for 4 years, even though she had remarried. Likewise, I really need something right now, and Raymond is the closest thing I have had in many years to a loved one. I know he wasn’t a husband. I have never had a husband. I really need to imagine that he loves me right now. I don’t think I can go on without this at the moment. I woke up this week and realized that all these neighbors (including the hot guy) whom I thought were my friends are not real friends and I feel very alone.
But don’t worry about me. I have a very strong and very flexible mind. I have been down like this many times and I always am able to “talk” myself through it. Sometimes I just get a “plan”. Sometimes it is just grace (you would call it the grace of God) that I just wake up and I’m feeling better. I always get through it somehow. And yes, it does involve reorganizing my thoughts and finding meaning in my life, just like Victor Frankl did. I think when I get a chance I will take a weekend and go to my little special cow-town out on the eastern plains and spend the weekend there. That’s where I went camping to get away from the sociopath. Sometimes being in a different environment jars my mind into thinking different. But please don’t worry about me. I’m just venting. All this talk about friends and god and whatnot. In the end, it is always myself and my own resourcefulness that I’ve had to rely on. I may never trust a human being.
I cannot afford therapy, especially not EMDR. And like I said, I really don’t like or trust most therapists anyway. I have been to many. The analyst would have only cost me what I could afford. I still think I made the right choice turning it down, though. Even if I had trusted her, I don’t want to be dependent on a therapist. I had a very sweet therapist a year or so ago. I went to her for about 6 months. Although she was very sweet and kind, and I liked her, I just didn’t find it useful. I didn’t really bond with her. I’m a very complex person and most therapists usually don’t know how to work with me.
Nolarn, I would be happy to trade emails with you. I don’t know how much support I can be to you or how much capacity I have to listen at the moment. I also cannot afford long distance phone bills. But I am open. It means a lot that you are reaching out.
Sky, thank you. I really appreciate you all reaching out to me right now and telling me not to leave. It actually gets through to me a little. I hope you will understand that this is the closest I get to any kind of God experience, when I feel the caring of other people.
Star-I was just sayin that I felt bad that you were talkin to someone imaginary, instead of an actual person. I have been going through something similar recently, finding out that people whom I thought were my friends really weren’t after all, and I’m alone. I also don’t relate to therapists either. I do have to admit though that I did exchange emails with someone on here back in 2010 and it turned out badly, so maybe it’s not a good idea.
(((( STAR )))))
BACK UP CHICA!!!
Listen, Star, I don’t CARE that you talk to Raymond. I talk to my dog. I talk to God, and then I talk to MYSELF or PRETEND I’m talking to someone about spath when alone in my car. Actually ALL of those are helpful. Whose to say you’re weird for talking to whatever entity works for you, by faith, real or imagined?
My son is Buddhist. He chants (I HATE IT) and it irritates me, but it works for him and he’s taught me a few valuable teachings in the Buddhist belief. It isn’t something I’m comfy with, but I’m not opposed to broadening my horizons.
I understand about you being down. Can you change your focus a bit to your trip maybe? Star, you made the right decision. I think therapy for that long and that intense would be a WASTE of your time. Perhaps as time moves on, you will figure out what’s trying to come up. But until then TALK TO RAYMOND.
Cheer up, Star 🙂
HUGS
LL
Dear Star,
The “god experience” is different for each of us, and that is an OK thing for sure. Frankl’s book was the turning point for me and helped me a great deal. His interest in how different people gave up and lay down and gave in to death and how others fought for life to the last effort was enlightening to me too. That and his concept of how pain works—like a gas, expanding to fill the void, either large or small.
Well, need to shut down the computer, there is a big storm raging through right now. I’m not “worried” about you, but I do care and I am concerned, Star. I wish you peace! (((hugs))))
Nolarn, you reached out to me, even if just for the thought. I appreciate it and it means something to me. You have shown me, as a near stranger, some real kindness at a time I need it. I don’t know if we would “click” as friends or if that would meet our needs or fill the loneliness, but I’m really enjoy meeting people from here. I’ve emailed a few, spoken with one on the phone, and met one in person. All the experiences were very positive, even if we weren’t always on the same wavelength to have an ongoing friendship.