There is no straight line to healing after an encounter with a psychopath. No clearly defined path that says, step here, go there. For most of us, there are no tools in our lifeboats that will aid us in the process of letting go so that we can move on to live and laugh and love again.
Healing from such an encounter takes energy. It requires a personal commitment to doing what it takes to clear your mind, body and spirit of his or her lies. Healing takes time.
When I first got my life back after the psychopath was arrested I looked at the devastation around me and cried. How could a once vibrant, successful, loving woman have fallen so far from her path? How could she have lost her grace and dignity by loving such a man? I didn’t want to believe that woman was me. I didn’t want to believe my life had crumbled to such disarray. But to heal, I had to accept what was and let go of my disbelief that it couldn’t be true. It was true. I had loved a man who lied. I had fallen into his web and let go of all that I had held true.
Stepping Into Acceptance
That was my first step. Acceptance. Acceptance of my life that day, in that moment. It was in tatters. My home was gone. My life savings evaporated. My belongings disappeared. I had to accept where I was at without falling victim to wishing, ”˜if only’. I had to accept that I had done things that hurt my daughters, my family, my friends, myself. I had to accept that in order to keep the appearance of that relationship alive, I too had lied, deceived and manipulated. In giving into him I had to accept that I had given up on me to the point that I no longer existed as a separate individual. I had conspired with him in my destruction. I had to accept I was a victim of abuse.
Acceptance was hard. Facing the truth of what I had done and what I had become hurt. But, to be free of the past I had to face myself and love myself for the wounded, abused woman that I was and acknowledge that I did not have to stay there. I had to accept that only I could create the change in my life that I desired, that it was up to me. If I wanted to move beyond his abuse, move away from that painful place I found myself in, I would need to find my courage and turn up for myself so that I could step into forgiveness.
The Gift of Forgiveness
And that was my second step. Forgiveness. For all that I had done and said and become that hurt me and everyone in my life. For, no matter how blind or stupid or gullible I had been, no matter how unintentional my actions, I had betrayed the sacred trust I entered into when I gave birth to my daughters. In my betrayal of that trust, I had broken my commitment to be a conscious and loving mother that they could count on to be there for them when they needed me.
Truth was, I hadn’t been there for them. In keeping myself locked in that man’s unholy embrace, I had hurt them. They too had suffered through what he had done, who I had become and what had become of me. For all of us to heal, I needed to forgive myself and to ask for their forgiveness and be willing to accept their right to be angry without picking up their anger for them. In forgiveness, I could lovingly let them move through their pain without forcing them to let it go before they were ready. And in giving them that grace, I gave myself the grace to feel my feelings, without having to deny them, denigrate them, or escape them through searching for myself in someone else’s arms.
My Commitment to Myself
Through forgiveness, I found myself taking my third step. Commitment. To myself, to my daughters, to those who love me. Through my commitment to do what was loving and necessary to get what I needed in my life, I made a commitment to turn up for me, without fear, without judgement, without hesitation. I made a commitment that I would honour my journey, no matter how painful, and keep myself safe on the path to healing by not falling back into remorse, self-denigration, self-abasement and guilt. By committing myself to love myself, warts and all, I gave myself the grace and space to move into my fourth loving step.
Embracing Gratitude
Gratitude. Yes, he had hurt me. Betrayed me. But I was alive. I had the chance to heal, the opportunity to begin again. By stepping into an attitude of gratitude I chose to create harmony, not discord, with all my words and actions. To bemoan what he had done, to focus on his misdeeds would have held me pinioned to the pain of his passing through my life. I deserved better. And so, I embraced gratitude and let regret and remorse go. I did not need to get even with him. I did not need revenge. What I needed was to find my peace of mind, to create a life of harmony without him in it. Every night I wrote out my list of gratitudes, I thanked my angels, God, the Divine. I gave thanks for my life, my daughters’ lives, the love that filled my heart and the opportunity to make amends.
Making Amends
Making amends was my fifth step. Making amends does not mean putting straight other people’s lives. It doesn’t mean righting the past. It means, staying true to who I am today. To keeping my commitments, my word, my promises. It means consciously choosing each step of my journey with dignity and grace, treating my world and everyone in it with integrity, being honest and open about my feelings, my life, my journey. Making amends means asking those I have hurt what they need and being committed to do what it takes to give it to them. Making amends means knowing who I am today and being the best me I can be so that I can live my sixth and final step without reservation.
Living with Grace
There is no easy way through the pain of having loved a psychopath. But, no matter the darkness of the path, the rocks and potholes strewn across the way, the fierce winds that blow or stormy seas we navigate, living with grace gives me the courage to face life’s ups and downs without losing my way. Like a sailboat aiming for shore, my journey is not a straight line. I continually correct my course without losing site of my objective. Standing in my ”˜I’, staying focused on my journey, I am not pulled from my centre by the winds that blow around me. With grace, I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome. With grace, I am free to be all that I am meant to be, confident that my best is good enough.
((((( mama ))))
I’m humbled by your kind words.
It will get better. I hear you loud and clear…ya know, I have done the same thing, hoping that anger could replace the pain…connecting the good with the bad….but the reality is, that for me, there WERE enjoyable times. For me. We wouldn’t have stayed if there were not and this is why it hurts so much for me to think of him with new gf. It also hurts because it’s a grieving process…but when I think of going back, I can’t….I can’t now because I have awareness….too much now. And you’ll get there…when the good times come up in your head…cry….with the bad, get angry…because both have their place….I cried like a baby the other night because I was remembering those good times and crying my eyes out…..those are the times I miss….but then when I think about the stuff he did that was horrible and mean, I get angry….eventually feeling all of those things, begins to feel like a relief. I”m not saying it’s over..the grieving, but it is getting better…..just day to day…ya know?
I hope that helps 🙂
LL
LL, I don’t chant. 🙂 I’m not that kind of Buddhist. LOL
Oxy, thanks and hugs to you too.
(((( OX )))))
STAY SAFE!!
LL
Star –
“Fortunately, over the years, I’ve learned to function very well. I am very well liked by so many people. They regard me as happy and fun-loving. I laugh a lot. But I have so much pain on the inside that no one knows about. ”
You and me both babe! Sounds like we have more in common than spaths. When I went down 4 years ago, many people in my life were shocked because of the positive happy face I always wore. The past few years have been about learning to grieve properly and make decisions to excise from my life people who have only ever hurt or used me. It’s been tough – and at times, a little lonely – but my life is so much more calm and stable now. It only got that way through acknowledging the pain I had carried all of my life. Not that I wallow or wear a banner on my head proclaiming that I have been a repeat victim; just that I have now learned more caution and more quietness.
“…I haven’t trusted or even liked most of the therapists I’ve known either. Once in a great while someone has come along like an angel in my life and has been someone I could open up to, if only for a brief time. ”
You have an offer from nolarn and an offer from me – use us. We are real and we will try to be your “angels”. XXX
“I will probably take a break from here until I’m feeling better. I don’t want to bring the site down. I’m just feeling stuck and feeling like I’m groping for tools to deal with it.”
Bad idea. Isolation makes it much worse (been there, done that). You won’t bring anything or anyone “down” by staying here. This is exactly what we are all here for – the give and the take, the support and the giving of support, the searching for answers and the offering of answers. Please don’t ever feel that you do any of us a disservice by staying – that is just not true. x
Thanks, aussiegirl. Friendships are very slow to develop for me. I honestly don’t think I could call you or nolarn and just cry on you guys. I’m too private until I really get to know someone. There is something about the internet that lets you really open up. It just seems more anonymous. I appreciate your offer, though, and I’m very open to exchanging emails. I assume by your name that you are in Oz? Or are you just from there?
You know, I’m really trying to grieve. The feelings just don’t spring forth in my normal daily life. I shut down to work and then sometimes I just shut down for no apparent reason. I think I will take a trip out of town and see if it helps. I’ve gone through a lot already. You wouldn’t recognize me from the person I was 20 years ago. I was a major drama queen, so unstable I couldn’t even work. I’ve come a long way. The sociopath was just a blip on my radar screen of bizarre and traumatic relationships. It was not a major turning point in my life. The major thing I learned from him was how to spot a sociopath. I just was not aware of them before. I think anyone who has dated as many people as I have is bound, just by the laws of probability, to date at least one sociopath.
Star,
I think it’s safe to say we all consider you a friend. If internet works and you’re right about the anonymity and ability to open up more online, then so be it for now. You’ll know when you’re ready to open up more to connections with regards to friendships with others in human form 🙂
Given the traumas this apprehension doesn’t surprise me.
Hang in there!
LL
I have read so many stories here about many of you who completely trust the spaths and sacrificed so much for them. I never completely trusted anyone, including the spath I dated. I am envious. I wonder what it is like. I have had brief moments of trusting someone and it was an exhilirating and scary feeling. I was starting to trust Raymond. That’s what made the relationship so bittersweet – that it had to end. Usually, when I start to trust someone, the relationship ends by some means or other.
I think that my invitation to exchange email addresses was definitely missunderstand and I no longer feel that would be something that is in my best interest at this point. I don’t mean to be offensive to anyone. Goodnight.
No offense whatsoever, nolarn. I don’t blame you. It’s so safe here just the way it is.
Star,…
ohhhhh………..you might be onto something…..
HOw can you have the healing community you’re dreaming about if you can’t have trust of others who might be there? I wonder how you might be able to incorporate this lack of trust…fear of abandonment, into your trip where you will be lots of others that are your snake group friends? Isn’t that who you will be with? Maybe this is something you can work on with real people….
LL