There is no straight line to healing after an encounter with a psychopath. No clearly defined path that says, step here, go there. For most of us, there are no tools in our lifeboats that will aid us in the process of letting go so that we can move on to live and laugh and love again.
Healing from such an encounter takes energy. It requires a personal commitment to doing what it takes to clear your mind, body and spirit of his or her lies. Healing takes time.
When I first got my life back after the psychopath was arrested I looked at the devastation around me and cried. How could a once vibrant, successful, loving woman have fallen so far from her path? How could she have lost her grace and dignity by loving such a man? I didn’t want to believe that woman was me. I didn’t want to believe my life had crumbled to such disarray. But to heal, I had to accept what was and let go of my disbelief that it couldn’t be true. It was true. I had loved a man who lied. I had fallen into his web and let go of all that I had held true.
Stepping Into Acceptance
That was my first step. Acceptance. Acceptance of my life that day, in that moment. It was in tatters. My home was gone. My life savings evaporated. My belongings disappeared. I had to accept where I was at without falling victim to wishing, ”˜if only’. I had to accept that I had done things that hurt my daughters, my family, my friends, myself. I had to accept that in order to keep the appearance of that relationship alive, I too had lied, deceived and manipulated. In giving into him I had to accept that I had given up on me to the point that I no longer existed as a separate individual. I had conspired with him in my destruction. I had to accept I was a victim of abuse.
Acceptance was hard. Facing the truth of what I had done and what I had become hurt. But, to be free of the past I had to face myself and love myself for the wounded, abused woman that I was and acknowledge that I did not have to stay there. I had to accept that only I could create the change in my life that I desired, that it was up to me. If I wanted to move beyond his abuse, move away from that painful place I found myself in, I would need to find my courage and turn up for myself so that I could step into forgiveness.
The Gift of Forgiveness
And that was my second step. Forgiveness. For all that I had done and said and become that hurt me and everyone in my life. For, no matter how blind or stupid or gullible I had been, no matter how unintentional my actions, I had betrayed the sacred trust I entered into when I gave birth to my daughters. In my betrayal of that trust, I had broken my commitment to be a conscious and loving mother that they could count on to be there for them when they needed me.
Truth was, I hadn’t been there for them. In keeping myself locked in that man’s unholy embrace, I had hurt them. They too had suffered through what he had done, who I had become and what had become of me. For all of us to heal, I needed to forgive myself and to ask for their forgiveness and be willing to accept their right to be angry without picking up their anger for them. In forgiveness, I could lovingly let them move through their pain without forcing them to let it go before they were ready. And in giving them that grace, I gave myself the grace to feel my feelings, without having to deny them, denigrate them, or escape them through searching for myself in someone else’s arms.
My Commitment to Myself
Through forgiveness, I found myself taking my third step. Commitment. To myself, to my daughters, to those who love me. Through my commitment to do what was loving and necessary to get what I needed in my life, I made a commitment to turn up for me, without fear, without judgement, without hesitation. I made a commitment that I would honour my journey, no matter how painful, and keep myself safe on the path to healing by not falling back into remorse, self-denigration, self-abasement and guilt. By committing myself to love myself, warts and all, I gave myself the grace and space to move into my fourth loving step.
Embracing Gratitude
Gratitude. Yes, he had hurt me. Betrayed me. But I was alive. I had the chance to heal, the opportunity to begin again. By stepping into an attitude of gratitude I chose to create harmony, not discord, with all my words and actions. To bemoan what he had done, to focus on his misdeeds would have held me pinioned to the pain of his passing through my life. I deserved better. And so, I embraced gratitude and let regret and remorse go. I did not need to get even with him. I did not need revenge. What I needed was to find my peace of mind, to create a life of harmony without him in it. Every night I wrote out my list of gratitudes, I thanked my angels, God, the Divine. I gave thanks for my life, my daughters’ lives, the love that filled my heart and the opportunity to make amends.
Making Amends
Making amends was my fifth step. Making amends does not mean putting straight other people’s lives. It doesn’t mean righting the past. It means, staying true to who I am today. To keeping my commitments, my word, my promises. It means consciously choosing each step of my journey with dignity and grace, treating my world and everyone in it with integrity, being honest and open about my feelings, my life, my journey. Making amends means asking those I have hurt what they need and being committed to do what it takes to give it to them. Making amends means knowing who I am today and being the best me I can be so that I can live my sixth and final step without reservation.
Living with Grace
There is no easy way through the pain of having loved a psychopath. But, no matter the darkness of the path, the rocks and potholes strewn across the way, the fierce winds that blow or stormy seas we navigate, living with grace gives me the courage to face life’s ups and downs without losing my way. Like a sailboat aiming for shore, my journey is not a straight line. I continually correct my course without losing site of my objective. Standing in my ”˜I’, staying focused on my journey, I am not pulled from my centre by the winds that blow around me. With grace, I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome. With grace, I am free to be all that I am meant to be, confident that my best is good enough.
No Silver, no walk in the park. But this journey is exciting. It’s pretty cool to find out what makes you tick. It’s wonderful when you begin to see yourself as a spiritual being.
When some of the old beliefs are cast aside and knew ones take their place.
Life is short, ya know?
Kim, thanks for the post!
My biggest fear, like Star, has also been abandonment,
my dad left when I was about 12 years old,
I’ve done everything in my power to never feel that again…
but of course… I could not change people and make them stay.
I put all my faith in God now, he takes care of me!
I haven’t quite figured out yet
how he is going to help me with the loneliness,
but I trust He is here with me always…
Empowered by Spirit. Wise. Krone. Balanced.
Somehow it goes together like soup and sandwiches….
Yes, it does mend and knit.
But that takes time, patience and work.
And there is always more work to do.
A man may work from sun to sun, a woman’s work is never done…….
Shabby, I’m glad you liked what I had to say.
I wanted to post a link to one of my favorite Annie Lennox songs that reminds me of Star, and also of myself, and a lot of us here at LF with abandonment and trust issues, but I can’t seem to do it. Don’t know if ya’ll are familiar with it, but it is entitled, “something so right.” If ya’ll are interested, google it and go to the Utube video. Great song.
If anybody goes to Utube to listen to Annie sing, hang around a minute and listen to, “money Can’t Buy It” tto. Inspirational.
Hello everyone,
I have been spath-free for over 2 years, going through a nasty divorce. Very fortunate in many ways, alot of stuff was under my name only, bank accounts, house, car. So in the battle of trying to retain what is mine (prior to marriage), at least I get to stay in my house along with my kids, who are 14 and 18. Its a struggle trying to make the divorce fair, cause he now has a little women who is also a spath, keeps on emailing me nasty stuff. Which I have forwarded to the police, and they have all the surprise stuff he has sent me, and if I would not have contacted the police , for sure he would have broke down my door and obtained things without my permission.
I realize that its always best to let go and give them what they want and get them out of our lives, however I am trying to maintain justice and to show my kids that the law and sticking to what is right is the just thing to do. My spath is really hung up (after 2 years) in obtaining some stuff that his mother gave him, trinckets and such, no value money wise. Never meant anything when he left, but now that he is down and out, and desperate for money and just simply trying to get back at me for living well, he wants them. I have no problem giving it to him, however he has some of my valuables which mean alot to me, its some of my kids stuff, which not only they want back, but it does not belong to him. So, the best thing is to give it all up and continue, but what would I be showing my kids ? Never stand up to what is rightfully yours ? Do not put up a fuss and give in ? Its actually sentimental stuff on our part, but means nothing to him. I realize fully that we cannot reason with these people, however I am counting on the law to do it for us. To some extent we cannot give in too easy cause they come back for more. The cost is high in legal fees, but giving in would make me out to be a coward and not make a good impression on my kids. I have given in to alot of stuff already and let it slide, but we cannot give in to too much. They are predators….they will be back for more.
So in retaliation, he withdrew some of the child support, this is a definate no no, and they phoned him immediatly. He will now be paying. The police visited him and told him that he should not communicate with me, because it could be harrassment. He was not pleased. My kids are keeping an eye on how I handle the situation. I always tell them we must obey the laws and use the proper channels to make our wishes know. never take the law in our own hands, and never let anyone bully you. I guess this stems from the fact that bullying is not allowed on playgrounds…why allow it from the spath ? There are support groups and I have notified the victim services and they help with councilling. Many people are aware of my situation, and I often say that I do not trust him, and who knows what he might do. The police understand the fear of unpredicability and have everything recorded. The spath knows this, and feels like a caged animal who cannot do anything to get back at me. I know its sounds dangerous but can we let a predator continue to kill without at least trying to stop him, never change him, but only stop him…
What are your thoughts on this ?
Good Morning,
Kim,
your thoughts on God were interesting to me because I have complete faith in His existance and always have. He is as real to me as the keyboard I’m typing on and I see his presence in my life each and every day.
Although I know that God exists, he is difficult to define. We can’t see him, we can only experience the effects of His presence. It’s kind of like smashing atoms so they can experience the effects and understand what they’re made of because they are too small to see even with a microscope.
That said, there isn’t anything I read in religious doctrine that I don’t question. That’s one of the reasons I find Rene Girard, so fascinating. He looks at the texts of the bible with a different meaning in mind.
http://books.google.com/books?id=34Q_rCMLIVgC&printsec=frontcover&dq=Job:+The+Victim+of+His+People&source=bl&ots=ZSCu-zWjky&sig=t6364CT3uInf8WH8vnvEv1p-mUY&hl=en&ei=WUR3TcHRH5GBrQGaqNXlCQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=3&ved=0CDEQ6AEwAg#v=onepage&q&f=false
That link is part of Girard’s interpretation of the book of Job. That book is most fascinating to me because Job is suffering at the hands of Satan with God’s permission. Yuck. The meaning that Girard attributes to it is that he is being scapegoated. I wish I had the money to buy the book, because I think I found the flaw in Girard’s thinking: he doesn’t know that there are sociopaths out there. He attributes Job’s suffering to the community’s ENVY (Memetic Rivalry). But from what I’m reading in these passages, Girard is not addressing the sociopath’s role. It was satan, who seeded the envy. Satan had a plan and it was to drive Job away from God and he did it by making him a scapegoat and creating misery in his life.
So, I believe that the bible is warning us about the things that Girard warns us about: Envy and Rivalry. In addition it warns us that although memesis is a natural and necessary human condition, it is perverted in the sociopath and that sociopath’s perversion is contagious. I believe that the bible IS warning us that, where ever there is misery, LOOK FOR A SOCIOPATH AS THE CAUSE.
But the sociopath always has a way out planned and the distractions abound, so in the end, we all sit around looking for the most innocent scapegoat to kill.
What I’m trying to say Kim, is that I agree with you and Girard, that so much Christian doctrine is poorly understood or misinterpreted, but the real meaning is there and worth looking for.
Hi Skylar. Thanks for the link. I’m gonna check it out.
Dear Survivor lady,
I definitely understand your reasoning in trying to get him to “trade” you what is yours for the trinkets he got from his mother, and so yea, you are holding his stuff “for ransom.” Okay by me if you don’t think he is dangerous.
I laugh because I actually held my P-X-DIL’s cat and her son’s ashes for “ransom” to make sure she complied with signing the IRS refund check and splitting the money with my son. She didn’t get the cat or her son’s ashes until she signed and divided the $$… since he had earned 100% of it (she didn’t work) actually I thought it was more than fair to give her half…but it worked. Though she hates my guts to the bone, she was actually so happy to be getting the money that day she was actually NICE TO ME…if I hadn’t known her I would have thought she actually liked me. LOL ROTFLMAO
My husband’s mom went to live with her Granddaughters a few years before she died. She had lived with us expense free for over 10 years, but she started to get really senile and began to hate me and be paranoid. When she died they had possession of all her personal effects etc. We had a COPY of her will..and btw, while she had lived with them they had gone through over $150K in her money and because their credit was bad all the utilities phone etc were in her name…any way, she died in another state and we paid the funeral etc but they gave us hell for appreciation and we had to spend a bunch of money getting the utilities out of her name, find her bank, get what little money was left (like $17,000) I asked my husband’s kids after he died if they wanted me to get the sheriff to enforce the will and go get the personal effects etc. and the kids all said “don’t bother.” It would have cost probably $10,000 or more to get $5,000 worth of “heirlooms” and since the kids were the ones that the things belonged to I figured they had the right to get them if they wanted to or let it go. I’m glad they let it go. One of the nieces wrote this 10 page letter to the court about how my husband had abused his mother (none of it true) and how SHE should be the executor because SHE loved her, but the GD wasn’t getting a cent or a thing except what she STOLE in spite of the will. Go figure! LOL Actually, I don’t begrudge them the money they took from her because they did take good care of her and she didn’t have to go to a nursing home, so I figure it was their “pay.” They just didn’t have to be such asses to my husband and his kids. I don’t hold any grudge against my MIL either because when she was sane we were best of friends, and it was her post-stroke injured brain that hated me, not “her.”
Skylar, I’d like to read the book, too. I’d like to see what Girard has to say about it.
What I thought was this: Satan is the sociopath. And he is so good at what he does, he even finds a way to manipulate God himself. He gets God to doubt Job. How can that be? Isn’t God all-knowing?
In a way, though, I think it is another example of the reva
lation that the scape-goat is innocent…but why is God allowing him to be scapegoated?
Of course he allowed Jesus to be scape-goated for the sake of all humanity.
I don’t think that Girard is concerned about sociopathy as much as he is concerned about the human evil that exists in normal folks. I like what you say about human suffering, and finding a sociopath right in the midst.
Can anybody out there finish the story of Job for me?
I’m not familiar with the story, so perhaps I should read it.