There is no straight line to healing after an encounter with a psychopath. No clearly defined path that says, step here, go there. For most of us, there are no tools in our lifeboats that will aid us in the process of letting go so that we can move on to live and laugh and love again.
Healing from such an encounter takes energy. It requires a personal commitment to doing what it takes to clear your mind, body and spirit of his or her lies. Healing takes time.
When I first got my life back after the psychopath was arrested I looked at the devastation around me and cried. How could a once vibrant, successful, loving woman have fallen so far from her path? How could she have lost her grace and dignity by loving such a man? I didn’t want to believe that woman was me. I didn’t want to believe my life had crumbled to such disarray. But to heal, I had to accept what was and let go of my disbelief that it couldn’t be true. It was true. I had loved a man who lied. I had fallen into his web and let go of all that I had held true.
Stepping Into Acceptance
That was my first step. Acceptance. Acceptance of my life that day, in that moment. It was in tatters. My home was gone. My life savings evaporated. My belongings disappeared. I had to accept where I was at without falling victim to wishing, ”˜if only’. I had to accept that I had done things that hurt my daughters, my family, my friends, myself. I had to accept that in order to keep the appearance of that relationship alive, I too had lied, deceived and manipulated. In giving into him I had to accept that I had given up on me to the point that I no longer existed as a separate individual. I had conspired with him in my destruction. I had to accept I was a victim of abuse.
Acceptance was hard. Facing the truth of what I had done and what I had become hurt. But, to be free of the past I had to face myself and love myself for the wounded, abused woman that I was and acknowledge that I did not have to stay there. I had to accept that only I could create the change in my life that I desired, that it was up to me. If I wanted to move beyond his abuse, move away from that painful place I found myself in, I would need to find my courage and turn up for myself so that I could step into forgiveness.
The Gift of Forgiveness
And that was my second step. Forgiveness. For all that I had done and said and become that hurt me and everyone in my life. For, no matter how blind or stupid or gullible I had been, no matter how unintentional my actions, I had betrayed the sacred trust I entered into when I gave birth to my daughters. In my betrayal of that trust, I had broken my commitment to be a conscious and loving mother that they could count on to be there for them when they needed me.
Truth was, I hadn’t been there for them. In keeping myself locked in that man’s unholy embrace, I had hurt them. They too had suffered through what he had done, who I had become and what had become of me. For all of us to heal, I needed to forgive myself and to ask for their forgiveness and be willing to accept their right to be angry without picking up their anger for them. In forgiveness, I could lovingly let them move through their pain without forcing them to let it go before they were ready. And in giving them that grace, I gave myself the grace to feel my feelings, without having to deny them, denigrate them, or escape them through searching for myself in someone else’s arms.
My Commitment to Myself
Through forgiveness, I found myself taking my third step. Commitment. To myself, to my daughters, to those who love me. Through my commitment to do what was loving and necessary to get what I needed in my life, I made a commitment to turn up for me, without fear, without judgement, without hesitation. I made a commitment that I would honour my journey, no matter how painful, and keep myself safe on the path to healing by not falling back into remorse, self-denigration, self-abasement and guilt. By committing myself to love myself, warts and all, I gave myself the grace and space to move into my fourth loving step.
Embracing Gratitude
Gratitude. Yes, he had hurt me. Betrayed me. But I was alive. I had the chance to heal, the opportunity to begin again. By stepping into an attitude of gratitude I chose to create harmony, not discord, with all my words and actions. To bemoan what he had done, to focus on his misdeeds would have held me pinioned to the pain of his passing through my life. I deserved better. And so, I embraced gratitude and let regret and remorse go. I did not need to get even with him. I did not need revenge. What I needed was to find my peace of mind, to create a life of harmony without him in it. Every night I wrote out my list of gratitudes, I thanked my angels, God, the Divine. I gave thanks for my life, my daughters’ lives, the love that filled my heart and the opportunity to make amends.
Making Amends
Making amends was my fifth step. Making amends does not mean putting straight other people’s lives. It doesn’t mean righting the past. It means, staying true to who I am today. To keeping my commitments, my word, my promises. It means consciously choosing each step of my journey with dignity and grace, treating my world and everyone in it with integrity, being honest and open about my feelings, my life, my journey. Making amends means asking those I have hurt what they need and being committed to do what it takes to give it to them. Making amends means knowing who I am today and being the best me I can be so that I can live my sixth and final step without reservation.
Living with Grace
There is no easy way through the pain of having loved a psychopath. But, no matter the darkness of the path, the rocks and potholes strewn across the way, the fierce winds that blow or stormy seas we navigate, living with grace gives me the courage to face life’s ups and downs without losing my way. Like a sailboat aiming for shore, my journey is not a straight line. I continually correct my course without losing site of my objective. Standing in my ”˜I’, staying focused on my journey, I am not pulled from my centre by the winds that blow around me. With grace, I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome. With grace, I am free to be all that I am meant to be, confident that my best is good enough.
Aussie,
I know what ya mean! I’m THERE right now (in the fog that is) waiting for a major LIFT!
You’re hardly any of those things you mentioned lol!
You make alot of sense. I really REALLY liked your description of the story of Job. It was just great!
LL
Sorry I haven’t had a chance to read all the posts, I just logged in and saw my name…….thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I know that many of you have. I left work today feeling ill with a stomach thing. While I was lying on the floor in the bathroom with a stomach ache, I was also feeling the repressed grief coming up and almost able to cry, but I was at work so I held it together. Now I’m at home (still not feeling great) but just unable to cry. So I’m taking the day off tomorrow to just nurture myself and see if I can just get into my feelings. I will make some soup and just lie in bed, maybe listen to music or take a walk. I also got my PCP to call in a prescription for steroid cream for the eczema, which has gotten pretty itchy.
I know I need a good cry. Once that happens, I will have to reorganize and come up with a plan for when I go through this again. It’s not fun for me to get stuck like this. It’s sometimes like pulling teeth trying to feel safe enough to feel deep feelings of grief. It’s not so much about other people but just about being able to access the feelings without going into anxiety or shutting down. I’m sure there is a trick to my thought process or the way I’m breathing that I can change. If I can’t fix it by myself, I have an energy work session booked for next Friday with a guy who is supposed to be very good and very intuitive. I rarely ever get sick. It was because I’ve been eating very well for the last 6 weeks, and then I ate a ton of chocolate at the boring work meeting. I was craving it because of my emotional condition and couldnt’ say no to it when it was right in front of me. It made me very sick. I like being sick sometimes because it strips away my defenses and gets me into my feelings. I’m such a mental creature. I just need to get into my body and my feelings. And for the religious people here, you should know I’ve been praying for help getting through this and for more resources to deal with it ongoing. It doesn’t look like therapy will be in the picture for me. I still think I can do okay without it, but I need to make some major life changes and find a few real quality people to get close to. I don’t seem to find them around here. Ugh.
Thanks for the love and concern of all of you, my internet friends. Any of you (aussiegirl) are welcome to have Donna send me your email, and I will reply. For the record, I have no hesitation of fear of corresponding with anyone I’ve encountered here. I think you are all wonderful.
Love,
Star
Hi Star,
I know you are going through a hard time.
My recommendation is to read some of LL’s posts.
I hope that my writing this doesn’t make her feel self-conscious or change in any way. She is one of the most honest people I’ve ever seen post. She isn’t afraid to look at herself and do all the hard work. It has helped me tremendously to read how she faces her demons.
Hi, Sky,
Thanks, dear. I think I’ll be okay. I just need to be extra gentle with myself and take some nurturing time off work tomorrow. I know I will be okay. I always am. I have some understanding of what is going on – I’m just having a hard time with the deeper layers of grief. They don’t readily pour out like they do for some people. I have to pull them out like a dentist pulls teeth. I don’t really feel safe, so I have to create a safe space for myself and just be a loving mother to myself. I can do this, especially with all of your support. I will go back tomorrow and read more posts. Everyone’s posts here are helpful to me at different times. And I may need to write a little too. It’s nice to just give myself permission to fall apart. I have this work ethic that I have not missed a day of work in over a year. I will go in even if I’m half dead. But I’m taking a mental health day tomorrow. I deserve it. Really, the best person to take care of me is me. If I cannot trust myself to take care of myself, then I will not be able to trust others.
See, I’m learning. Trust of others comes from ability to trust myself. I have to trust myself to be a good parent to myself.
Fortunately, my small condo is like a little sanctuary for me. It’s very safe and peaceful here. I feel for one joy because hers does not seem like that, and it seems so important to have a safe place to rest from the stresses of the outside world.
XOXO
Star
Hope y’all don’t mind the multiple posts. I’m up writing when everyone else is sleeping. I’m feeling much better and in control of myself tonight. Boy, I really went out to lunch for a few weeks. Lying on the bathroom floor at work today with my stomach hurting was very grounding for me. This latest crisis is the fallout from my non-relationship with the sexy neighbor boy. I put too much hope and expectation on someone who is totally incapable of giving me any of what I need. I have drawn my energy back into myself now – no Raymond, no neighbor boy, no other imaginary people. I really don’t like the fact, though, that the entire neighborhood and my gym all make me think about the neighbor boy. One of the things on my wish list is to move away from here, so I can really cut the ties. I can almost guarantee, especially now that I’m feeling better, he will come around again. It might not be till this summer at the pool. Fortunately, I don’t ever see him around here – just his car. His front door faces away from my building so I don’t have to see him come and go. It’s not an earth-shattering need for NC like it was with the sociopath, thankfully. I just need to remember that no matter how interested he acts in me (which is cyclic), he is not good for me. I need to just smile and move on, keeping a vision in my mind of what a truly loving man feels like to be around.
It also felt good to look in the mirror this evening and for the first time in many many weeks, see my own beauty, instead of an aging middle-aged woman. I’m so glad I ate all that chocolate at work and got sick. Getting sick was the best thing that’s happened to me in weeks!
Love,
Star
Hey Star!
I’m so glad to hear you’ve come back down to earth lol! Welcome!
Some humor 🙂
I understand what you mean by emotions coming up. I have a hard time crying too or getting in touch with my deeper feelings of pain. while having this tooth thing going on, I”ve cried a few times, but more so than usual…I noticed that when I’m crying those deeper feelings seep through, so the crying is harder than it might otherwise be….
I’m glad you’re willing to take better care of YOU. That’s a good sign!
I think you’re doing beautifully in making good self care decisions.
Proud of ya!
LL
Thanks, LL. Were you able to get those teeth out? Did you see my other post on acupunture and probiotics?
I just wanted to link to a really HAPPY NEWS STORY, I think one of the things we need to do is to read happy news! This one will make you cry tears of joy!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1364849/Guide-dog-aids-blind-owner-AND-leading-labrador-loses-sight.html
Thanks Oxy. That gives me warm fuzzys. 🙂
Yea, I thought it would give folks some warm fuzzys…esp Hens since his doggie Harley is going blind! I had a blind doggie once and she did just great so they can adjust like the rest of us to our disabilities. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one here with Swiss cheese brain, not that I WISH it on you guys, but since you admit to having it too, it makes me feel less alone, and less demented, and I hope when Ii get to where I am waiting for the BUS or wanting a beer, someone will humor me. That was one of the things I learned in working with the head injured and the elderly that were demented, is that just getting them to where they are happy is a great accomplishment. We may not be medically able to “cure” them but we can make them happy in some cases….in many cases. The ones that “bothered” me were the ones we couldn’t even make happy or content, the ones that cried and cried, confused and unhappy. That was actually what made me decide to get my tattoo this year when I turn 65 of NO CPR tattooed over my left tit, because the chances of any REALISTIC help from CPR after age 65 are like ZERO, ZILCH, NADA percent. A “living will” saying DNR might be nice but they will have coded you before they find it, but I want my “will” written on my chest for everyone to see when they pull my shirt open. I’ve seen too many people brought back to “life” to only have that “life” be on a ventilator or to walk around like a zombie, with the brain of a 6 month old, not able to recognize anyone and crying 24/7, lost and afraid. I’ll just do the best I can to exercise and eat right and take whatever medication I need to to be healthy, but when the health goes, I would rather just give it up and go rather than stay around a while longer to PROLONG DEATH, not prolong life.