There is no straight line to healing after an encounter with a psychopath. No clearly defined path that says, step here, go there. For most of us, there are no tools in our lifeboats that will aid us in the process of letting go so that we can move on to live and laugh and love again.
Healing from such an encounter takes energy. It requires a personal commitment to doing what it takes to clear your mind, body and spirit of his or her lies. Healing takes time.
When I first got my life back after the psychopath was arrested I looked at the devastation around me and cried. How could a once vibrant, successful, loving woman have fallen so far from her path? How could she have lost her grace and dignity by loving such a man? I didn’t want to believe that woman was me. I didn’t want to believe my life had crumbled to such disarray. But to heal, I had to accept what was and let go of my disbelief that it couldn’t be true. It was true. I had loved a man who lied. I had fallen into his web and let go of all that I had held true.
Stepping Into Acceptance
That was my first step. Acceptance. Acceptance of my life that day, in that moment. It was in tatters. My home was gone. My life savings evaporated. My belongings disappeared. I had to accept where I was at without falling victim to wishing, ”˜if only’. I had to accept that I had done things that hurt my daughters, my family, my friends, myself. I had to accept that in order to keep the appearance of that relationship alive, I too had lied, deceived and manipulated. In giving into him I had to accept that I had given up on me to the point that I no longer existed as a separate individual. I had conspired with him in my destruction. I had to accept I was a victim of abuse.
Acceptance was hard. Facing the truth of what I had done and what I had become hurt. But, to be free of the past I had to face myself and love myself for the wounded, abused woman that I was and acknowledge that I did not have to stay there. I had to accept that only I could create the change in my life that I desired, that it was up to me. If I wanted to move beyond his abuse, move away from that painful place I found myself in, I would need to find my courage and turn up for myself so that I could step into forgiveness.
The Gift of Forgiveness
And that was my second step. Forgiveness. For all that I had done and said and become that hurt me and everyone in my life. For, no matter how blind or stupid or gullible I had been, no matter how unintentional my actions, I had betrayed the sacred trust I entered into when I gave birth to my daughters. In my betrayal of that trust, I had broken my commitment to be a conscious and loving mother that they could count on to be there for them when they needed me.
Truth was, I hadn’t been there for them. In keeping myself locked in that man’s unholy embrace, I had hurt them. They too had suffered through what he had done, who I had become and what had become of me. For all of us to heal, I needed to forgive myself and to ask for their forgiveness and be willing to accept their right to be angry without picking up their anger for them. In forgiveness, I could lovingly let them move through their pain without forcing them to let it go before they were ready. And in giving them that grace, I gave myself the grace to feel my feelings, without having to deny them, denigrate them, or escape them through searching for myself in someone else’s arms.
My Commitment to Myself
Through forgiveness, I found myself taking my third step. Commitment. To myself, to my daughters, to those who love me. Through my commitment to do what was loving and necessary to get what I needed in my life, I made a commitment to turn up for me, without fear, without judgement, without hesitation. I made a commitment that I would honour my journey, no matter how painful, and keep myself safe on the path to healing by not falling back into remorse, self-denigration, self-abasement and guilt. By committing myself to love myself, warts and all, I gave myself the grace and space to move into my fourth loving step.
Embracing Gratitude
Gratitude. Yes, he had hurt me. Betrayed me. But I was alive. I had the chance to heal, the opportunity to begin again. By stepping into an attitude of gratitude I chose to create harmony, not discord, with all my words and actions. To bemoan what he had done, to focus on his misdeeds would have held me pinioned to the pain of his passing through my life. I deserved better. And so, I embraced gratitude and let regret and remorse go. I did not need to get even with him. I did not need revenge. What I needed was to find my peace of mind, to create a life of harmony without him in it. Every night I wrote out my list of gratitudes, I thanked my angels, God, the Divine. I gave thanks for my life, my daughters’ lives, the love that filled my heart and the opportunity to make amends.
Making Amends
Making amends was my fifth step. Making amends does not mean putting straight other people’s lives. It doesn’t mean righting the past. It means, staying true to who I am today. To keeping my commitments, my word, my promises. It means consciously choosing each step of my journey with dignity and grace, treating my world and everyone in it with integrity, being honest and open about my feelings, my life, my journey. Making amends means asking those I have hurt what they need and being committed to do what it takes to give it to them. Making amends means knowing who I am today and being the best me I can be so that I can live my sixth and final step without reservation.
Living with Grace
There is no easy way through the pain of having loved a psychopath. But, no matter the darkness of the path, the rocks and potholes strewn across the way, the fierce winds that blow or stormy seas we navigate, living with grace gives me the courage to face life’s ups and downs without losing my way. Like a sailboat aiming for shore, my journey is not a straight line. I continually correct my course without losing site of my objective. Standing in my ”˜I’, staying focused on my journey, I am not pulled from my centre by the winds that blow around me. With grace, I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome. With grace, I am free to be all that I am meant to be, confident that my best is good enough.
Ox –
“tattoo this year when I turn 65 of NO CPR tattooed over my left tit, because the chances of any REALISTIC help from CPR after age 65 are like ZERO, ZILCH, NADA percent.”
LOL! You just cracked me up!!!! What a GREAT idea….I miht borrow it if I make it that far…. (I might even go a bit further and have a set of brackets tattooed underneath around the words “copyright OX Drover 2011”)
ValleyGirl –
“TRIGGERED twice in 24 hours …not ASKING me but TELLING me she & my brother were planning to meet at my place. …..the 2nd reason I was upset is because there wouldn’t be time for me to straighten up my place a little. …this time I held firm ”“ I DID NOT want them over until I had a chance to clean. It must have been a shock that I set a boundary!”
I was the same when I was suffering from PTSD. I am ordinarily a “clean freak” anyhow, but unannounced visits while I was in that frame of mind escalated to a whole new level of discomfort for me. I would make people go away and come back when I was “ready”. I’m sure there were some who thought I was a nutjob, but it is really just the anxiety and the seige mentality that get us in that bind. Also – part of our problem is often that we were not previously good boundary setters. With the panic and distress of PTSD comes the necessity to put boundaries in place.
I know that with me, when I first began to do this, I probably set some strange or silly boundaries, but the thing was that I was new to it and they were my “practice runs”. I no longer worry about what people might have thought back then; I have moved on and become more adept at saying “no”, “stop” and “wait”.
In time, it will become easier and not feel so stressful for you. Well done for taking the first steps to a better life!
“I don’t know why it’s so upsetting. I went to buy a card & gift certificate for my cousin who is getting married this weekend. I have been looking forward to this happy family event for months now, and I’m at the store picking out a card and suddenly just want to break down crying. ”
Oh boy do I ever relate to THIS! After my first spath left me (my 2nd husband; the first one wasn’t spath, just a wife-beating control-freak) I had MY cousin’s wedding to go to. I felt so sick that I ended up walking in late, after the bride. Then I stood up the back wearing sunglasses inside so that nobody would see that I was crying (sad tears for ME, not happy tears for THEM). I barely made it through the ceremony, left before any relatives could find me and ask how I was (I would have topld them the truth and spoiled the wedding day for them and I didn’t want to do that).
At the reception dinner afterwards, I cried and cried and eventually had to leave early – I just couldn’t handle their happiness. I didn’t begrudge them it but I couldn’t LOOK at it at that time without hurting for myself. It was so awful.
The good news is that this stage will pass. Hang in there.xx
Trimama –
I remember that stage and not being an angry or nasty minded person, I also remember feeling afraid that I would never get past the anger.
Again, the good news is that your anger at the moment is GOOD for you and is part of the process and will help you to understand what happened to you and to put it into perspective. The other good news is that it WILL pass. It always does with people who are not naturally angry or nasty-minded. Your core personality will sort it out, so don’t fret about it. The fact that you don’t want to stay there, means that you won’t.
All in time. XX
Well I am off now – got a court hearing in 25 minutes with the Superspath (I will be hooked up by telephone as I am too sick to drive the more than 100km to the court house). I know the way that this will go today. The bastard is determined to take my house, so today the magistrate who has been attempting for months to broker a settlement to keep it from going to trial will give in and order that it proceed. At least he has already said that if it goes that way, he will expedite it, so it should be over this year instead of waiting in a queue for up to 18 months. That’s one win I have had over the spath…(I applied for the expedition but spath opposed it) Ho hum.
Trimama,
So sorry to hear you are feeling that way.
I’m told that anger is a protective mechanism. While you still have fear, you will feel anger. That feeling is there to tell you that there is a threat you need to be ready to fight. So don’t disregard your anger, try to understand what it is telling you, THEN you can begin to let go of it.
Other emotions will follow. I rarely have anger anymore. I mostly laugh at the exP, but sometimes I will have sadness. Just now, it began to rain really hard and water was pouring and it reminded me of the P and I felt sad for no reasone.
Aussie girtl, I thought of that about 7 years ago when I worked in a psych ward for older people and we had this pitiful man, great physical health but he was like a 6 month old baby who was lost, alone and crying. He had CPR done on him and they brought back the BODY ONLY. He didn’t recognize his family since the CPR etc. and it was the worst case I have ever seen. Made me cry.
I decided then I would do it when I was 65—but since there are so many blood borne pathogens transferred by tattoos I will buy myself my own gun and inks and hire someone to do the job, then sell the gun…so I don’t get HIV or HepC or something else from a professional parlor”s equipment. Like about 30% of people who have professional tattoos have Hep C—and there is some correlation between the colored inks and Hep C as well. I tried to teach my college students that even though Bubba’s Tattoo parlor is “clean”—you can’t SEE GERMS. But, yea, I am going to do it,, my very first TATTOO. I told one of the psych docs what I intended to do and I thought he was gonna fall off his stool laughing. I was so “professional” and so much this “earth mother nursie” figure that it caught him by surprise when I said I was going to “get a tattoo” then when I told him what, I thought he’d swallow his tongue. I LATER read bout an 85 year old woman though WHO BEAT ME TO THE PUNCH and got it done too. Smart woman. I’ve just seen too many people “saved” who only came back enough to suffer for a few months or years before God finally released them. I’ve never known of one that was “worth it” in terms of GOOD LIFE. Statistics bear me out too.
OX? Wait……you’re GOING to get a tattoo???
OX=thanks for making me laugh about the tattoo. I want one too. I had a bad day today. I got into it with my dad on email. I woke up feeling really sick this morning and I twisted my back when I was sleeping. I’ve been SO freakin frustrated over the job thing. I would cut off my right arm for a job. I put out 13 applications today-7 here in Louisiana and 6 in Missouri. I really may lose my home at the end of the month and I’m so upset about it. I’ve never been this scared. I can’t find a good attorney either. I need a pit bull that’s maybe an NRA member who can relate to my harrassment. The hospital still won’t give me my performance evaluation and it’so totally illegal for them to withhold it. I just feel so bad.
So – in and out of court in exactly 5 minutes (had my tape recorder running so that afterward I could go back over any orders I may have missed ).
Got my own way twice: His lawyer opposed my application to a fast-tracked trial (so that this will all be over soon, which is what I want but spath does NOT want because this is a game for him and he WANTS it to drag out) BUT I got one anyway!
Also his lawyer estimated a trial hearing length of less than 2 days which would put it before a magistrate; I argued for more than 2 and before a judge (because judges – who are MUCH more important than the lowly magistrates here – get real pissed at silly people like my ex who insist on wasting their time with “small” asset pool squabbles…they only like to deal with millionaires (which we ain’t) he he he.. so a judge will likely ALREADY be unfavourably disposed toward spath who has insisted on pushing it this far (whereas the records show that I have offered to walk away twice and drop my counter claim); the magistrate ruled in my favour for 3 days and before a judge. YIPPEEEEE!!!!!
The only disadvantage of being on the telephone and not being there in person was that I didn’t get to see the look on Superspath’s face when the following went down:
Magistrate: Will there be any witnesses for the trial?
Spath’s lawyer: No Sir, none. It should take less than 2 days.
M: Aussiegirl, do you have any witnesses for trial?
Me: Yes sir, I have several.
M: Who are they?
Me: Spath’s mother, spath’s sister, spath’s other ex-wife, spath’s current defacto wife
M: Do you think they will give you the affidavits that you want?
Me: They have all been notified Sir and I have made them aware that if the affidavits are not forthcoming I intend to subpoena them to give evidence in person.
M: And have any of them indicated to you that they are willing to supply you with an affidavit?
Me: Yes Sir. At least one has already agreed to do so….
If ONLY I could have seen spath’s face when I rattled off that list. Now he has 6 weeks (before the readiness hearing) to try and work out which one has already replied to me!!!
I know that there will be some nasty backlash from spath (I have already had a crank call that I know was from him this week) BUT the rest of this thing is tasting DELICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LL, yep on my 65th BD this year. NOlarn–BUMMER baby! Good job in putting out the job apps…when you get your interviews I would be upfront with the person interviewing you about having a “personality problem” with your previous supervisor. It happens, it doesn’t mean anything except you had a problem—I would not go into any “details” I would just tell the person that it was a question of “You can’t quit me, I’m fired” because of a “personality problem” with your previous supervisor, it wasn’t any PATTERN OF CONTINUALLY BEING FIRED OR BAD PERFORMANCE REVIEWS—and you can give your references from previous employment and professional people. Schitz happens, so just be up front about it but I would not go into details about it, just say something about “I really don’t want to go into graphic details” and let it go at that.
When we are stressed, we do hurt ourselves more—more accidents, muscles are tighter—all this, nothing new, you know the drill. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! (((hugs))))
Aussie-good for you and glad it was fast!
WOW!!! Aussie Girl! TOWANDA for the back-spath!!!!! OHHHHHH don’t you know he is boiling and wondering just what is going on and who among those people turned rat on him!!!! LOL Yea!!!!! Good going girl!!!! Keep up the good work, I’m so proud of you!
Where is EB when we want to throw a YEA GOOD BACK-SPATH PARTY!!!!! TOOT TOOT YEA ! WHOOPIE!!! PAR-TAY TIME!!!!!! (fat lady doing little Irish dance steps!) LOL
Ox-Thanks Ox. It would just really help to get my performance evaluation and that’s why I’m trying for the attorney. I know why they don’t want me to have it though. It was done just before all this went down and it was totally satisfactory and shows no evidence that I had any performance issues. Plus, I can’t apply for any VA hospitals without it.