There is no straight line to healing after an encounter with a psychopath. No clearly defined path that says, step here, go there. For most of us, there are no tools in our lifeboats that will aid us in the process of letting go so that we can move on to live and laugh and love again.
Healing from such an encounter takes energy. It requires a personal commitment to doing what it takes to clear your mind, body and spirit of his or her lies. Healing takes time.
When I first got my life back after the psychopath was arrested I looked at the devastation around me and cried. How could a once vibrant, successful, loving woman have fallen so far from her path? How could she have lost her grace and dignity by loving such a man? I didn’t want to believe that woman was me. I didn’t want to believe my life had crumbled to such disarray. But to heal, I had to accept what was and let go of my disbelief that it couldn’t be true. It was true. I had loved a man who lied. I had fallen into his web and let go of all that I had held true.
Stepping Into Acceptance
That was my first step. Acceptance. Acceptance of my life that day, in that moment. It was in tatters. My home was gone. My life savings evaporated. My belongings disappeared. I had to accept where I was at without falling victim to wishing, ”˜if only’. I had to accept that I had done things that hurt my daughters, my family, my friends, myself. I had to accept that in order to keep the appearance of that relationship alive, I too had lied, deceived and manipulated. In giving into him I had to accept that I had given up on me to the point that I no longer existed as a separate individual. I had conspired with him in my destruction. I had to accept I was a victim of abuse.
Acceptance was hard. Facing the truth of what I had done and what I had become hurt. But, to be free of the past I had to face myself and love myself for the wounded, abused woman that I was and acknowledge that I did not have to stay there. I had to accept that only I could create the change in my life that I desired, that it was up to me. If I wanted to move beyond his abuse, move away from that painful place I found myself in, I would need to find my courage and turn up for myself so that I could step into forgiveness.
The Gift of Forgiveness
And that was my second step. Forgiveness. For all that I had done and said and become that hurt me and everyone in my life. For, no matter how blind or stupid or gullible I had been, no matter how unintentional my actions, I had betrayed the sacred trust I entered into when I gave birth to my daughters. In my betrayal of that trust, I had broken my commitment to be a conscious and loving mother that they could count on to be there for them when they needed me.
Truth was, I hadn’t been there for them. In keeping myself locked in that man’s unholy embrace, I had hurt them. They too had suffered through what he had done, who I had become and what had become of me. For all of us to heal, I needed to forgive myself and to ask for their forgiveness and be willing to accept their right to be angry without picking up their anger for them. In forgiveness, I could lovingly let them move through their pain without forcing them to let it go before they were ready. And in giving them that grace, I gave myself the grace to feel my feelings, without having to deny them, denigrate them, or escape them through searching for myself in someone else’s arms.
My Commitment to Myself
Through forgiveness, I found myself taking my third step. Commitment. To myself, to my daughters, to those who love me. Through my commitment to do what was loving and necessary to get what I needed in my life, I made a commitment to turn up for me, without fear, without judgement, without hesitation. I made a commitment that I would honour my journey, no matter how painful, and keep myself safe on the path to healing by not falling back into remorse, self-denigration, self-abasement and guilt. By committing myself to love myself, warts and all, I gave myself the grace and space to move into my fourth loving step.
Embracing Gratitude
Gratitude. Yes, he had hurt me. Betrayed me. But I was alive. I had the chance to heal, the opportunity to begin again. By stepping into an attitude of gratitude I chose to create harmony, not discord, with all my words and actions. To bemoan what he had done, to focus on his misdeeds would have held me pinioned to the pain of his passing through my life. I deserved better. And so, I embraced gratitude and let regret and remorse go. I did not need to get even with him. I did not need revenge. What I needed was to find my peace of mind, to create a life of harmony without him in it. Every night I wrote out my list of gratitudes, I thanked my angels, God, the Divine. I gave thanks for my life, my daughters’ lives, the love that filled my heart and the opportunity to make amends.
Making Amends
Making amends was my fifth step. Making amends does not mean putting straight other people’s lives. It doesn’t mean righting the past. It means, staying true to who I am today. To keeping my commitments, my word, my promises. It means consciously choosing each step of my journey with dignity and grace, treating my world and everyone in it with integrity, being honest and open about my feelings, my life, my journey. Making amends means asking those I have hurt what they need and being committed to do what it takes to give it to them. Making amends means knowing who I am today and being the best me I can be so that I can live my sixth and final step without reservation.
Living with Grace
There is no easy way through the pain of having loved a psychopath. But, no matter the darkness of the path, the rocks and potholes strewn across the way, the fierce winds that blow or stormy seas we navigate, living with grace gives me the courage to face life’s ups and downs without losing my way. Like a sailboat aiming for shore, my journey is not a straight line. I continually correct my course without losing site of my objective. Standing in my ”˜I’, staying focused on my journey, I am not pulled from my centre by the winds that blow around me. With grace, I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome. With grace, I am free to be all that I am meant to be, confident that my best is good enough.
FAD,
Well, if you can prove he is working under the table and lying to get UI insurance then DO THAT as it is a FELONY and will get his arse arrested–one he is arrested his CRIMINAL RECORD should help you with your court–maybe. You would need EVIDENCE like photographs or witnesses AND photos etc. to prove he is doing it.
As for the other stuff, THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME, but the laws don’t always make sense to me….so nothing new there.
Good luck! (((hugs)))
That is a good point.
I have read that working while collecting UI is legal, but regardless; he should be paying more CS if that is true.
How are ya OX?
Doing well here : ) Can’t you tell?
Well, I think, really the working and lying about it and collecting UI being a FRAUD and a CRIME is more important than him paying more CS right now—and the thing is IF you can PROVE HE IS WORKING AND COLLECTING UI then the UI folks will charge him with the CRIME and then you will be able to have EVIDENCE he had more $$ than he was telling the CS court folks so he will be “convicted” of lying again! Two for the price of one! LOL
Sweetie he is going to be playing his games til Junior has gray hair!@....... So you might as well get used to it, if he doesn’t ‘shave Junior’s head until then! LOL (I know it isn’t funny, but I can’t help but laugh anyway!) FAD darling you and your jerkface provide me with “entertainment” value! (at least as long as he doesn’t want to tattoo junior a mustache or something! I swear that man is an babbling idigit that just duddin’ get it!!!!! LOL
I’d see if I could find some way to catch him cheating the gum’ent and get his butt in trouble for that and then stand back and laugh! It would only take a phone call and a few pix and his arse would be garse. Hee hee, but I am sooooo evil!
Thank you, Skylar and Ox Drover,
Your words of wisdom are so appreciated.
I never thought of anger as something to learn from, rather than something to fight.
Yes, my anger is telling me there is something to fear. Tonight when I saw that he was calling me, instant panic set in. Bear in mind that I have not seen him in a few weeks but the mere sight of that number coming up on the phone puts the fear of god in me. It instantly replaced the extreme anger I have been carrying around this week.
I don’t answer the calls. I am trying very hared to adhere to the No Contact rule for my own sanity. I came very close to losing that this week.
But I am afraid…afraid of losing my resolve, afraid of being pulled right back in to the insanity, afraid of being hurt again.
With time and distance, and more information, I am beginning to see this man as the predator that he is. Rather than the handsome, strong and sensual being I thought he was.
I was so fooled!
I remind myself of Oxy’s Jessica, and how easily I could be that girl. Very little separates us except breath, and luck. I have had incredibly large and strong hands wrapped around my neck, squeezing the life out of me. It is only by the grace of god that he stopped each time.
His tears of remorse and my thinking I had somehow contributed to it kept me stuck there.
I am thankful for all of you, and the growth that I am experiencing as a result of reading your writing.
Thank you!
Dear Trimama,
NO!!!! YOU DID NOT CONTRIBUTE TO HIM STRANGLING YOU! No good man would do that to you no matter what you did or said. The man is a MONSTER! He has no love, no ability to love, he WANTS CONTROL and that is all.
My Psychopathic son demanded control of that young woman and when she didn’t give it to him, he snuffed out her life like stepping on a bug—this man has already proven he will hurt you and that he is a criminal. DON’T ANSWER. Block his number if you can, he is trying to lure you back like a spider lures a fly into its web and then strangles it.
Promise me you will not answer the phone! PROMISE YOURSELF! THEN KEEP THAT PROMISE!!!! (((hugs)))) God bless you and keep you safe!
I can promise you, Ox.
I can’t seem to keep promises to myself in the face of him just yet.
I will not answer the phone.
And I forget that this is about control. That I am not a person to him.
I have a hard time seeing this for what it is. I can repeat the bad things he has done. And on the face of it all, it is quite overwhelming. But I can’t seem to summarize all of that into the impression of a very dangerous man. The seduction is powerful.
Thank you, Ox. I count on your words. They become my conscience when I can’t find my own.
Dear Trimama,
((((hugs))))) You ARE stronger than you know, and I sit here with tears streaming down my face at your pain. I was going through some photographs that my P son had sent me and in among them were some of Jessica and she was so pretty and so young and so smiling, didn’t know her life would end because of him, didn’t recognize how dangerous he was. You do recognize it and that will help you when you feel weak—remember that you are NOT weak, and he is like the Siren Song, luring you to your peril. Plug your ears with wax! Don’t listen to him. Come here and post! There are usually some people around to reply to you, just post “help!” if someone is here they will respond!
I know you can do it! I will keep you inmy prayers! (((hugs))))
trimama,
One thing that helped me the most was that I made secret recordings of his lies and abuse BEFORE I left him. Then when I felt weak, I listened to them. The evil in his voice snapped me back to reality.
You can’t make those recordings now but you can write down your thoughts. Keep a journal, so your own words can keep you strong later on.
trimamma – have you gotten a vpo against this dude?
A few months ago a women in our town got a vpo out on her abusive bf, she was hiding in a motel and he found her, killed her then himself..I guess I am wanting you to protect yourself and hope I do not scare you too much…but you need to be scared of this dude – no matter what he says – no matter how fricken hot and handsome he is – he will hurt you again – please change phone number – most phone providers will change number to unlisted at no charge if u tell them your getting harassing phone calls, no questions asked – and dont tell me it would be too big of a inconvience for you – if all else cancel phone all together – do you have a land line? change that number also and throw the cellphone under a train….and WE here at lovefraud can not save you, so get a plan together – get you some oven cleaner to spray in his eyes – get a vpo if he keeps calling – …hugs
Hens,
I respectfully disagree with you. Her spath is a hardened criminal. A VPO will just make him mad. She has to think like a spath and outsmart him. Gray rock is the only answer because he doesn’t know about its power. She must bore him until he leaves her alone. Gray rock is the counter-attack on the psychological warfare that he is waging on her. It is a backspath that he doesn’t understand. Making him lose interest in her is the only way to win. Just exactly like a mouse that plays dead until the cat leaves it alone.