There is no straight line to healing after an encounter with a psychopath. No clearly defined path that says, step here, go there. For most of us, there are no tools in our lifeboats that will aid us in the process of letting go so that we can move on to live and laugh and love again.
Healing from such an encounter takes energy. It requires a personal commitment to doing what it takes to clear your mind, body and spirit of his or her lies. Healing takes time.
When I first got my life back after the psychopath was arrested I looked at the devastation around me and cried. How could a once vibrant, successful, loving woman have fallen so far from her path? How could she have lost her grace and dignity by loving such a man? I didn’t want to believe that woman was me. I didn’t want to believe my life had crumbled to such disarray. But to heal, I had to accept what was and let go of my disbelief that it couldn’t be true. It was true. I had loved a man who lied. I had fallen into his web and let go of all that I had held true.
Stepping Into Acceptance
That was my first step. Acceptance. Acceptance of my life that day, in that moment. It was in tatters. My home was gone. My life savings evaporated. My belongings disappeared. I had to accept where I was at without falling victim to wishing, ”˜if only’. I had to accept that I had done things that hurt my daughters, my family, my friends, myself. I had to accept that in order to keep the appearance of that relationship alive, I too had lied, deceived and manipulated. In giving into him I had to accept that I had given up on me to the point that I no longer existed as a separate individual. I had conspired with him in my destruction. I had to accept I was a victim of abuse.
Acceptance was hard. Facing the truth of what I had done and what I had become hurt. But, to be free of the past I had to face myself and love myself for the wounded, abused woman that I was and acknowledge that I did not have to stay there. I had to accept that only I could create the change in my life that I desired, that it was up to me. If I wanted to move beyond his abuse, move away from that painful place I found myself in, I would need to find my courage and turn up for myself so that I could step into forgiveness.
The Gift of Forgiveness
And that was my second step. Forgiveness. For all that I had done and said and become that hurt me and everyone in my life. For, no matter how blind or stupid or gullible I had been, no matter how unintentional my actions, I had betrayed the sacred trust I entered into when I gave birth to my daughters. In my betrayal of that trust, I had broken my commitment to be a conscious and loving mother that they could count on to be there for them when they needed me.
Truth was, I hadn’t been there for them. In keeping myself locked in that man’s unholy embrace, I had hurt them. They too had suffered through what he had done, who I had become and what had become of me. For all of us to heal, I needed to forgive myself and to ask for their forgiveness and be willing to accept their right to be angry without picking up their anger for them. In forgiveness, I could lovingly let them move through their pain without forcing them to let it go before they were ready. And in giving them that grace, I gave myself the grace to feel my feelings, without having to deny them, denigrate them, or escape them through searching for myself in someone else’s arms.
My Commitment to Myself
Through forgiveness, I found myself taking my third step. Commitment. To myself, to my daughters, to those who love me. Through my commitment to do what was loving and necessary to get what I needed in my life, I made a commitment to turn up for me, without fear, without judgement, without hesitation. I made a commitment that I would honour my journey, no matter how painful, and keep myself safe on the path to healing by not falling back into remorse, self-denigration, self-abasement and guilt. By committing myself to love myself, warts and all, I gave myself the grace and space to move into my fourth loving step.
Embracing Gratitude
Gratitude. Yes, he had hurt me. Betrayed me. But I was alive. I had the chance to heal, the opportunity to begin again. By stepping into an attitude of gratitude I chose to create harmony, not discord, with all my words and actions. To bemoan what he had done, to focus on his misdeeds would have held me pinioned to the pain of his passing through my life. I deserved better. And so, I embraced gratitude and let regret and remorse go. I did not need to get even with him. I did not need revenge. What I needed was to find my peace of mind, to create a life of harmony without him in it. Every night I wrote out my list of gratitudes, I thanked my angels, God, the Divine. I gave thanks for my life, my daughters’ lives, the love that filled my heart and the opportunity to make amends.
Making Amends
Making amends was my fifth step. Making amends does not mean putting straight other people’s lives. It doesn’t mean righting the past. It means, staying true to who I am today. To keeping my commitments, my word, my promises. It means consciously choosing each step of my journey with dignity and grace, treating my world and everyone in it with integrity, being honest and open about my feelings, my life, my journey. Making amends means asking those I have hurt what they need and being committed to do what it takes to give it to them. Making amends means knowing who I am today and being the best me I can be so that I can live my sixth and final step without reservation.
Living with Grace
There is no easy way through the pain of having loved a psychopath. But, no matter the darkness of the path, the rocks and potholes strewn across the way, the fierce winds that blow or stormy seas we navigate, living with grace gives me the courage to face life’s ups and downs without losing my way. Like a sailboat aiming for shore, my journey is not a straight line. I continually correct my course without losing site of my objective. Standing in my ”˜I’, staying focused on my journey, I am not pulled from my centre by the winds that blow around me. With grace, I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome. With grace, I am free to be all that I am meant to be, confident that my best is good enough.
Trimama, Hens advice is good—listen to him, and Skylar’s advice. Do whatever you must to stay strong. I agree get rid of the phone or change the number, hide out if you need to, go to a shelter, call the cops, call a friend and stay with them….whatever you must do. This guy is BAD NEWS and they get WORSE not better and the tiime you are leaving them is the most dangerous for them to attack you to try to bring you under CONTROL.
This isn’t about “love” it is about TRAUMA BONDING and you must convince yourself that you ARE in danger, because if he tried to strangle you multiple times before—HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.
Google “Stockholm syndrome” and read about it. It is why Jaycee Dugard and Elizabeth Smart and Patty Hearst and other women have stayed with the men who kidnapped and raped them, it is a chemical reaction in our brains to trauma. READ and learn to protect yourself. (((hugs)))) and My prayers for you!
True, Oxy and Hens,
We must never think we can outsmart the spath because he is willing to kill and we are not. Be flexible Trimama. Use ALL OF YOUR AMMUNITIONS TO DEFEAT HIM. But be STEALTHY. Don’t let him know you are on to him.
I know that you are a smart woman. leave your emotions behind. They are hindrance to you at this moment. Read, Learn, STudy. You will know what to do. All the information will protect you and furthermore, it will be a salve on your hurt.
get a VPO trimamma..
Trimamma – You’re doing ok. You’re getting there. It takes time. It may help if I explain my situation, although not as extreme as yours, I CAN understand the disbelief that this guy ‘will never hurt you’. FACT he already has.
My spath was wonderful, everything I ever wanted – NOT! In the year that we were together he showed no physical harm towards me. Verbally was something else.
Anyway, when I told him to leave me alone and not to come to my house anymore he changed. The mask fell bigtime.
He turned up and started to push me around. Forced his way into my home and I called the police. That is what finally sent him on his way.
My family had tried to tell me that ‘I did not know this man’. They were right. I befriended spaths ex when he left and he had beat her up six times, she’d had the police and everything but she never pursued it. And now he is back with her!
Her life is miserable. She lost everything (home, car, friends) and he’s back there living like a leach off her. I have not been in touch with her since she had him back and he’s the other end of the country BUT I still do not feel safe, I lock my doors, never go out for walks. My home is up for sale and I will move far away so he has no idea where I am – cos that is what it will take for me to feel safe again.
So yes, block his number, do not plan revenge, you will lose.
Get yourself somewhere safe. Read all the stuff here, it will help you to understand those feelings you are experiencing.
It’s not easy………stay strong. if you feel weak come here and ‘talk it out’
Thanks to each and every one of your for taking the time to reach out to me and to care.
Your wisdom is appreciated.
I went to the police and they said the same thing that Hens says. A pair of female officers sat me down and talked through how these situations play out. Rarely well.
That said, this man is very inflammatory and sneaky. Meaning that he would consider a VPO as a threat and a challenge, and would have no problem getting around it. It would make him rageful and vengeful.
Knowing him, my best bet is to lay low and allow him to lose interest. He is beginning to do so. He is living with a young woman. Between her and his need for crack and his very limited finances and now working full time, his focus on getting to me is pretty minimal. I live 30 miles away from him, which doesn’t sound like a lot but he doesn’t have a car.
Beyond all that, I am beginning to heal. This week was filled with feelings of anger until I looked around and saw my blessings. And there were many. I had discounted them before…they paled in comparison to this man I adored. Now I see them as so much more than he could ever be to or for me.
I need you all to reach out in spirit to the young woman he now lives with. Yes, that is the last thing I should be saying. She is an aggressive city girl. But we all know that she is doomed. She will end up like me. Just as I ended up like the woman my man was with before me. And so on.
Dear Trimama,
Good for you going to the police and talking to them.
No darling, she will not end up like you, she will end up in much much WORSE SHAPE and I hope that she gets out with AT LEAST her life. I’m glad that there is some distance between you and him, and you are probably right that the protection order would only piss him off….even Gavin DeBecker in “The Gift of Fear” says that a protective order only works with someone who has something to lose and in some cases, like this guy, who has NOTHING TO LOSE AND IS NOT AFRAID OF JAIL or PRISON (HE’S BEEN THERE) it would only serve for him to see it as REVENGE so he would have to ramp up his notice of you.
One thing I have learned and that is that most men (at least men, not sure about the women) that I have known who have spent any considerable amount of time in prison don’t want to go back but are NOT AFRAID OF IT. The thought of it terrifies me, but then I’ve never been in jail so it is an unknown. Even my P son says that prison isn’t scary to him or anyone who has been there for a couple of years. In some cases, it is HOME. They are comfortable there. Don’t have to work, get 3 meals, don’t have to provide for themselves and get to watch TV or lift weights all day.
So this guy who is also drug addict AND an ex con isn’t going to be afraid of the law, and he will seek revenge if you “poke him with a stick” –I would consider though that he WILL show back up from time to time when he wants money or some favor, so if you can change your number or MOVE to someplace he won’t be able to easily find you, you might be better off.
I would also say to you that if you use drugs or alcohol to get help and to make NEW friends, sober friends. Sometimes that means that your whole life style and all your friends has to change, but if that’s the case, it is still WORTH IT.
It’s been said here that if we “fish in a sewer we are only going to catch turds” and if we pick our friends from among those who use drugs and are dishonest we are not going to find people who live a good and peaceful lives, but people involved in drama and trauma, and WE will be involved in drama and trauma.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, Trimama! God bless.
Trimama,
UGH!! I”m SO relating to you!! I want to share something here, and not to frighten you, but you can NEVER, EVER underestimate a violent P. EVER.
I was married to one for twenty years. Getting out of the relationshit was EXTREMELY dangerous. Another woman in the PICTURE WILL NOT, repeat< WILL NOT, prevent him from STALKING YOU!
My exP was already LIVING with my ex best friend. He CONTINUED to stalk me. The last time I'd seen him, he beat the shiat out of me, and tried to run OVER my ten year old daughter and shoved my twelve year old daughter's face into the PAVEMENT, to try to get my car keys from her!!! I did not have a restraining order out on him at that time, and it was a SERIOUS mistake on my part!!! When the cops were called by my neighbor, there was NOTHING they could do when they got there. He was long gone and they could not go after him because I didn't have the RO!!!
I SHOULD have taken my kids and gone to a shelter and gotten the hell out of there, but I DIDN"T do it because I THOUGHT that new gf ex best friend, would keep him "preoccupied".
Her "Love" for him did not assuage his MASSIVE rage at me for wanting out of the relationshit. I was MISTAKEN in projecting my HUMAN qualities onto HIM. He wouldn't come back because he has someone else now. EL WRONGO! It was POWER, he was losing his POWER in the relationshit and he wasn't going to go without a POWER PLAY to end it HIMSELF, rather than me doing it.
In the end, he did eventually leave me alone. But it took a LONG TIME for that to happen. I am SO GRATEFUL to ex bestie for that. And guess what? Just in case you're curious, he beat the living shit out of her too. She took care of him for ten years, beat the shit out of her, but her son saw what was happening and took a baseball bat to his head and nearly killed him. That was two years ago and she STILL wants him BACK. She has a pathology all her own, is very sick. Now I can look upon it as pity. IT is VERY VERY sad!!! Last time I talked him, he told me that he's been talking to her alot (after he lost his footing with his new love bomb that he said he was in "in love" with-bullshiat, he wanted a place to stay and a hook up for sex after he gets out of jail shortly), and that he loves her, but is NOT IN LOVE WITH HER. So I asked him, "so you think it's fair that you lead her on to believe that you are in love with her, when you're telling me you're not?" He rages, "I told her what I've told YOU, and if she still wants to talk to m e knowing that, it's HER CHOICE (fault) to do so, she knows what the deal is!"
They never change. So glad it's not me anymore.
The greatest of all lessons I've learned, particularly this last year, NEVER underestimate a spath. Ever. Even one from twenty five years ago, walked into my life this last year and I kicked him back out to the curb immediately thereafter. They can ALWAYS come back. I don't mean to suggest that you should always watch your back, but right now is a seriously dangerous time for you. I understand how you feel and that your feelings for him can truly impede upon your SAFETY in allowing yourself even five seconds of ruminating or obsessing about him right now, it's a vulnerable time for you, mama. Stay STRONG as you can and MINDFUL of your surroundings. I think it's probably SAFER to ASSUME that he WILL try to get to you, rather than not, no matter his current circumstances.
STAY SAFE!!!
LL
Oh and mama?
Ex P didn’t own a car at the time either. But he managed to borrow one 🙂
LL
my x didnt have a car or drivers license until dimwit hens bought him one = talk about fishin for turds – oh welll I threw him back in the sewer and now I fish for crappy – not the turd kind….
trimama I am happy you talked to the police – i hope this dude just goes away like mine did..sometimes when we stop dancing with them they just move on…but still after 3 years i keep a look out just in case he has ran out of dancing partners, so you be careful and you have a great day….