There is no straight line to healing after an encounter with a psychopath. No clearly defined path that says, step here, go there. For most of us, there are no tools in our lifeboats that will aid us in the process of letting go so that we can move on to live and laugh and love again.
Healing from such an encounter takes energy. It requires a personal commitment to doing what it takes to clear your mind, body and spirit of his or her lies. Healing takes time.
When I first got my life back after the psychopath was arrested I looked at the devastation around me and cried. How could a once vibrant, successful, loving woman have fallen so far from her path? How could she have lost her grace and dignity by loving such a man? I didn’t want to believe that woman was me. I didn’t want to believe my life had crumbled to such disarray. But to heal, I had to accept what was and let go of my disbelief that it couldn’t be true. It was true. I had loved a man who lied. I had fallen into his web and let go of all that I had held true.
Stepping Into Acceptance
That was my first step. Acceptance. Acceptance of my life that day, in that moment. It was in tatters. My home was gone. My life savings evaporated. My belongings disappeared. I had to accept where I was at without falling victim to wishing, ”˜if only’. I had to accept that I had done things that hurt my daughters, my family, my friends, myself. I had to accept that in order to keep the appearance of that relationship alive, I too had lied, deceived and manipulated. In giving into him I had to accept that I had given up on me to the point that I no longer existed as a separate individual. I had conspired with him in my destruction. I had to accept I was a victim of abuse.
Acceptance was hard. Facing the truth of what I had done and what I had become hurt. But, to be free of the past I had to face myself and love myself for the wounded, abused woman that I was and acknowledge that I did not have to stay there. I had to accept that only I could create the change in my life that I desired, that it was up to me. If I wanted to move beyond his abuse, move away from that painful place I found myself in, I would need to find my courage and turn up for myself so that I could step into forgiveness.
The Gift of Forgiveness
And that was my second step. Forgiveness. For all that I had done and said and become that hurt me and everyone in my life. For, no matter how blind or stupid or gullible I had been, no matter how unintentional my actions, I had betrayed the sacred trust I entered into when I gave birth to my daughters. In my betrayal of that trust, I had broken my commitment to be a conscious and loving mother that they could count on to be there for them when they needed me.
Truth was, I hadn’t been there for them. In keeping myself locked in that man’s unholy embrace, I had hurt them. They too had suffered through what he had done, who I had become and what had become of me. For all of us to heal, I needed to forgive myself and to ask for their forgiveness and be willing to accept their right to be angry without picking up their anger for them. In forgiveness, I could lovingly let them move through their pain without forcing them to let it go before they were ready. And in giving them that grace, I gave myself the grace to feel my feelings, without having to deny them, denigrate them, or escape them through searching for myself in someone else’s arms.
My Commitment to Myself
Through forgiveness, I found myself taking my third step. Commitment. To myself, to my daughters, to those who love me. Through my commitment to do what was loving and necessary to get what I needed in my life, I made a commitment to turn up for me, without fear, without judgement, without hesitation. I made a commitment that I would honour my journey, no matter how painful, and keep myself safe on the path to healing by not falling back into remorse, self-denigration, self-abasement and guilt. By committing myself to love myself, warts and all, I gave myself the grace and space to move into my fourth loving step.
Embracing Gratitude
Gratitude. Yes, he had hurt me. Betrayed me. But I was alive. I had the chance to heal, the opportunity to begin again. By stepping into an attitude of gratitude I chose to create harmony, not discord, with all my words and actions. To bemoan what he had done, to focus on his misdeeds would have held me pinioned to the pain of his passing through my life. I deserved better. And so, I embraced gratitude and let regret and remorse go. I did not need to get even with him. I did not need revenge. What I needed was to find my peace of mind, to create a life of harmony without him in it. Every night I wrote out my list of gratitudes, I thanked my angels, God, the Divine. I gave thanks for my life, my daughters’ lives, the love that filled my heart and the opportunity to make amends.
Making Amends
Making amends was my fifth step. Making amends does not mean putting straight other people’s lives. It doesn’t mean righting the past. It means, staying true to who I am today. To keeping my commitments, my word, my promises. It means consciously choosing each step of my journey with dignity and grace, treating my world and everyone in it with integrity, being honest and open about my feelings, my life, my journey. Making amends means asking those I have hurt what they need and being committed to do what it takes to give it to them. Making amends means knowing who I am today and being the best me I can be so that I can live my sixth and final step without reservation.
Living with Grace
There is no easy way through the pain of having loved a psychopath. But, no matter the darkness of the path, the rocks and potholes strewn across the way, the fierce winds that blow or stormy seas we navigate, living with grace gives me the courage to face life’s ups and downs without losing my way. Like a sailboat aiming for shore, my journey is not a straight line. I continually correct my course without losing site of my objective. Standing in my ”˜I’, staying focused on my journey, I am not pulled from my centre by the winds that blow around me. With grace, I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome. With grace, I am free to be all that I am meant to be, confident that my best is good enough.
FAD –
Whatever else you decide to do, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Keep a diary for this purpose and make sure you note dates, times, places and the names of any witnesses if applicable. For proving a pattern of behaviour when it comes to a court hearing, diarisation is generally regarded as solid evidence.
My spath has no record (that I know of) for killing anyone, but he did break the jaw of the wife before me and he was aggressive and violent toward me and toward his little boy and he has threatened to “finish me off” and “shut me down” – whatever those things mean.
Even though I no longer live alone, I have gotten into the habit of carrying my keys with me when I go out into my yard, locking doors and gates behind me as I exit and enter my house, leaving external lights on at night, scanning my yard each time I enter it. For a long time, I would also leave my car parked in what the police here call the “ready-go” position; facing the road, in a place and at an angle where it could not be blocked in by another vehicle and where a quick “get-away” could be managed from. My car keys stayed with me even at night, when I slept with them under my pillow.
The police and the abuse counselors also suggested that I pack an emergency bag with everything important that I might need in case I had to run: money, driver’s licence, bank cards, birth certificate, passport, mortgage documents, insurance papers, list of emergency telephone numbers, a change of clothes etc. At night, I used to put my purse into the bag beside my bed so that if I needed to leave in a hurry, I could do so.
I hope you stay safe and well and that things calm down for you soon. xx
Trimama –
Think Snow White’s apple – all red and shiny and smooth and delicious-looking on the outside; all poisonous and maggoty on the inside. He is the apple. Avoid at all costs.
Dear Aussiegirl,
GREAT ADVICE! The car in the “to go position” is a great idea and one that I had not thought of….but believe me I will do so in the future and I had quit carrying my keys, and I will do THAT in the future too….I always have a pistol and a cell phone but not the keys, but will from now on…new habit for me to form.
Just being prepared ought to be brought to EVERYONE’S mind with the recent EARTHQUAKES, FLOODS, and now NUCLEAR REACTOR PROBLEMS and WARS all over the world—and don’t think it couldn’t happen here—I live inland on a hill so not likely to be flooded but I live 40 miles from a reactor and not too far from a MAJOR FAULT EARTH QUAKE ZONE.
I don’t mean to sound like some kind of “right wing survivalist nut job” because I’m not that at all, but I AM PREPARED—prepared to eat out of my store of food here at home for months if I have to. Prepared to do without electric power if I have to, and prepared to grab my “get away emergency bag” and HAUL ARSE for higher ground or where ever I need to go to be SAFE from any kind of natural emergency. Doesn’t cost much to be PREPARED—just stock up on food and WATER, have a few bucks cash on hand at all times for inside your house, keep your gas tank on your vehicle FULL (refill it if it gets below 3/4) at all times…keep your important papers, birth certificates, pass ports, etc. in a place that you can grab them and go (preferably a little fire proof safe which is cheap and not very big) a couple of changes of clothes, some dried food that isn’t too heavy, etc.
Make sure you have a “spare” “to go bag” in the trunk of your car as well in case there is an emergency and you are away from home with your car at the time of the emergency….or get broken down on the side of the road in an emergency, there is a bit of water, food, extra clothes, rain gear, a bit of money, flares etc. in your car trunk. BE PREPARED the Boy Scout Motto!
Ox,
The church I use to go too…. the Pastor is on my FB, lately, he’s been doing a series of sermons on prophesy and the end times and how the recent earthquakes and wars are playing out that prophesy.
I think the teachings are rather spathy, but he is quite knowledgeable about biblical prophecy, scripture, has traveled to the middle east many, many times, etc.
I’m choosing to grey rock it right now, but I wanted to ask if you believe any of that is coming to fruition. I think this would be a prime opportunity for spathy pastors and flock to create more FEAR about what’s happening than not, even though wars, earthquakes etc, have been going on for THOUSANDS OF YEARS. HELLOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jesus said that we shall not know the time that he returns. Why do others claim they think they KNOW… so many responses on his FB about how the flock is like “HEY WE ARE IN THE END TIMES HERE PEOPLE!!”
Really? I wonder how many people in the past enduring crisis like this thought the same way…..I wonder if current technological advances with internet, cellphones, etc, doesn’t exacerbate that theory because we can ALL see this happening before our VERY eyes now, where thirty years ago, it was not as instantaneous. Any thoughts?
.
LL
LL, my opinion is that the “end times” started the day Christ left this earth to return to heaven…so Him telling the apostles that even the angels and even He himself don’t know the date of the end of the world is proof that these people who say they do are FALSE prophets…there have been earthquakes and wars and rumors of wars since the beginning of time and I think there were be until the end of time.
FALSE preachers in all religions use all kinds of “signs” and “wonders” to fool people into giving them power over them, that is what many of these cult leaders do..it is what psychopaths do. Doesn’t matter if it is a 1-1 relationship or a politician or a preacher using manipulation to influence others to allow them control, it is the same thing.
Being prepared for disaster is just a good idea no matter who you are or where you are. If you are being stalked it is definitely good sense. I never could see how people could not keep enough food in the house to feed them for a few days at least in the event of a natural disaster of some kind. Back in 1971 when the quake hit in California you could buy a loaf of bread for 25 cents, and the price immediately went to $1 a loaf. Even in those days, I kept a supply of food on hand —maybe it is just my “security blanket” but the one thing I agree with the Mormons is that they preach to their members to keep a year’s supply of food stuff squirreled away, and I may not have quite that much, but I do have a good bit of food stashed away that doesn’t need electric to keep edible. And if the Power goes out long term I know how to smoke the meat and dry it.
I’ve been through a major earth quake, a major hurricaine, and a major tornado (though it didn’t hit my house I worked in relief in the area) and it NEVER HURTS TO BE PREPARED.
Ox,
I agree about preparedness. I have enough canned good stocked to last awhile! I keep it in a specific cupboard and it’s NOT to be touched. When I bought it, if I could get my hands on it, I bought the pop top cans, soups have them now. They’re GREAT and don’t require a can opener, but I have a hand held just in case. I also keep bottled water around in cases, although that goes pretty quick around here because instead of alcohol, I have a bottled water wherever I go now. The kids enjoy bottled water too. Still, it’s there.
I have flashlights, candles, extra bedding (pillows, blankets, sleeping bags), trial size toiletries that are not allowed to be touched.
We received emergency evacuation instructions the other day by our management in the event of a major landslide (they have now put up concrete barriers around the complex), and it’s been raining cats and dogs here, I think yesterday was the first dry nice day we’ve had in awhile, but today, rain. So I’m prepared! You’re right, never hurts to be prepared! Maybe I’m overly so!
Thanks for validating that for me Ox, about the false prophets. That was my line of thinking. Just something about it is NOT trustworthy and you illustrated my point rather well
LL
LL I’m not sure concrete barriers will hold a land slide back. Not sure where you live but I know they didn’t do much for some of the folks around LA CA a few years back. Might want to put some extra emergency things in your car trunk as well in case you have to leave in a BIG hurry like in the middle of the night maybe! I know I’m probably over prepared, but son D and I have a “grab and go” bag inside the house that would actually be a back packer’s trail kit that would house and feed us for about 2 weeks, but each vehicle has a stash of emergency stuff in it too, both for BIG emergencies and for those road side smaller ones like engine trouble or a flat tire, plus MAPS in the vehicle of all the local roads, a phone book, a NEW empty gas can (don’t carry fuel in a vehicle in a plastic container except for a short distance in emergency) which can be used for water or for fuel as needed, one of those little battery operated compressor air pumps etc. you name it it is in there….LOL
ML,
Thanks for the post. I will print it out and read it frequently. I am still working on healing. Disconnecting from the s/p. i have to see him at different functions on a regular basis but I try to be invisible to him. Try to make him invisible to me. Him and his wife are so annoying and really make and effort to get me to react. It is a daily trial, to stay nonreactive and to try to keep them out of my mind. That is what their game is all about, to try to get a reaction from me. What a pathetic existance…to live to irritate someone…I am not going to lie..they are very irritating. They are like spoiled rotten little brats that are used to having their way. Any they will bully whoever to get their way. I just ask God for the grace to stand in the presence adversity and to not be moved. It is difficult. It is painful. I just wonder when it will all end. Do they eventually run out of energy and give up? Do they ever go away?
One thing I am learning through all of this is to face my fears. To overcome conflict avoidance and to face things head on instead of running form them. I suppose I am becoming a stronger person. I want to believe I am a possitive influence for my children. We are court ordered to communicate thru the “Our Family Wizard”. It helps some. He still tries to make it look like I am not doing what I am supposed to. He writes very accusatory e-mails. Nothing sustantiated tho. He cant stand that he is not allowed to contact me via phone or otherwise. Bugs him that my husband will go to the door when he comes to get the kids. He is toxic. His s/p b/p/d wife is toxic. Good thing is my husband(we have known each other since 7th grade) will cover me. He is like my sheild. I can still be there for my kids, at different school activities, but I do not have to interract with my ex s/p.
Hi all…blessings to everyone
I posted a ? the other day about being at the no contact conversation phase but also was having trouble letting go of my ego-driven desire to let him know that “i know what he is”. Two bloggers were so nice enough to give me their advice.. but i am just getting back now and cannot find their post…sooo… am saying thank u for blogging back about my dilemma.
My issue about having the “NO CONTACT” conversation… is I am a bartender in a very wealthy neighborhood restaurant… and it’s his neighborhood. He already is deep into the sealing, manipulation phase with another woman and has been sealing it subtly, right before my eyes the last two monthes. At this time he was going through the…over the attraction with you phase… this is getting boring and not serving anymore phase. My problem is…i figured out (a couple weeks ago… PERIOD) that he needed to stay away from me… so he came in and i told him “i was done” he of course responded with how bad his life is and how he just want to be my friend. I wont go into all details.. no need… we all no how they respond…anyways..this conversation took place days before i did TONS of research and figured out one million percent that hes a sociopath. Sooo… my problem is …bc i told him i was done… now he’s still attached??? He didnt win? After doing a week of research Ive now learned that i have to handle this delicately… but the problem is he does his little “parasitic , im bored, i need a fix from you, let me control you and make you jump and sqiurm in my presence” all in my place of work. I know i cant tell him never to come in there and look at me again…because it will piss him off. I guess im just wondering if anybodys been in a similar situation. I feel like i almost just have to pretend like im a week little wounded bird… that he hurt me sooo bad..that i just cant bare the thought off seeing him again. I guess i feel like i have to let him think that he WON….?? hmmmm…? any insight or advice would be so appreciated… ***sending blessing of peace love light and healing to everyone….***
PLUS….he came in last night (thank GOD i wasnt there)… i just know he will be back in a few days…and it’s the having to look at him face to face… we all know how the f—— eye stare works..i can go over my approach a million times but the min. he locks eyes with me I’m potentially screwed… help???
mandorla – I dont have any advice, but I know how the eye contact and I am screwed thing goes – dont make eye contact – look at his chin, his ear, if he says something, anything just respond with ‘ you dont say’ and turn away walk away….he only win’s if you go back or show emotion – just be cold as ice and avoid him if you can..do you have a barback or another bartender that could serve him? your in a sticky situation i hope all comes out well for you…