There is no straight line to healing after an encounter with a psychopath. No clearly defined path that says, step here, go there. For most of us, there are no tools in our lifeboats that will aid us in the process of letting go so that we can move on to live and laugh and love again.
Healing from such an encounter takes energy. It requires a personal commitment to doing what it takes to clear your mind, body and spirit of his or her lies. Healing takes time.
When I first got my life back after the psychopath was arrested I looked at the devastation around me and cried. How could a once vibrant, successful, loving woman have fallen so far from her path? How could she have lost her grace and dignity by loving such a man? I didn’t want to believe that woman was me. I didn’t want to believe my life had crumbled to such disarray. But to heal, I had to accept what was and let go of my disbelief that it couldn’t be true. It was true. I had loved a man who lied. I had fallen into his web and let go of all that I had held true.
Stepping Into Acceptance
That was my first step. Acceptance. Acceptance of my life that day, in that moment. It was in tatters. My home was gone. My life savings evaporated. My belongings disappeared. I had to accept where I was at without falling victim to wishing, ”˜if only’. I had to accept that I had done things that hurt my daughters, my family, my friends, myself. I had to accept that in order to keep the appearance of that relationship alive, I too had lied, deceived and manipulated. In giving into him I had to accept that I had given up on me to the point that I no longer existed as a separate individual. I had conspired with him in my destruction. I had to accept I was a victim of abuse.
Acceptance was hard. Facing the truth of what I had done and what I had become hurt. But, to be free of the past I had to face myself and love myself for the wounded, abused woman that I was and acknowledge that I did not have to stay there. I had to accept that only I could create the change in my life that I desired, that it was up to me. If I wanted to move beyond his abuse, move away from that painful place I found myself in, I would need to find my courage and turn up for myself so that I could step into forgiveness.
The Gift of Forgiveness
And that was my second step. Forgiveness. For all that I had done and said and become that hurt me and everyone in my life. For, no matter how blind or stupid or gullible I had been, no matter how unintentional my actions, I had betrayed the sacred trust I entered into when I gave birth to my daughters. In my betrayal of that trust, I had broken my commitment to be a conscious and loving mother that they could count on to be there for them when they needed me.
Truth was, I hadn’t been there for them. In keeping myself locked in that man’s unholy embrace, I had hurt them. They too had suffered through what he had done, who I had become and what had become of me. For all of us to heal, I needed to forgive myself and to ask for their forgiveness and be willing to accept their right to be angry without picking up their anger for them. In forgiveness, I could lovingly let them move through their pain without forcing them to let it go before they were ready. And in giving them that grace, I gave myself the grace to feel my feelings, without having to deny them, denigrate them, or escape them through searching for myself in someone else’s arms.
My Commitment to Myself
Through forgiveness, I found myself taking my third step. Commitment. To myself, to my daughters, to those who love me. Through my commitment to do what was loving and necessary to get what I needed in my life, I made a commitment to turn up for me, without fear, without judgement, without hesitation. I made a commitment that I would honour my journey, no matter how painful, and keep myself safe on the path to healing by not falling back into remorse, self-denigration, self-abasement and guilt. By committing myself to love myself, warts and all, I gave myself the grace and space to move into my fourth loving step.
Embracing Gratitude
Gratitude. Yes, he had hurt me. Betrayed me. But I was alive. I had the chance to heal, the opportunity to begin again. By stepping into an attitude of gratitude I chose to create harmony, not discord, with all my words and actions. To bemoan what he had done, to focus on his misdeeds would have held me pinioned to the pain of his passing through my life. I deserved better. And so, I embraced gratitude and let regret and remorse go. I did not need to get even with him. I did not need revenge. What I needed was to find my peace of mind, to create a life of harmony without him in it. Every night I wrote out my list of gratitudes, I thanked my angels, God, the Divine. I gave thanks for my life, my daughters’ lives, the love that filled my heart and the opportunity to make amends.
Making Amends
Making amends was my fifth step. Making amends does not mean putting straight other people’s lives. It doesn’t mean righting the past. It means, staying true to who I am today. To keeping my commitments, my word, my promises. It means consciously choosing each step of my journey with dignity and grace, treating my world and everyone in it with integrity, being honest and open about my feelings, my life, my journey. Making amends means asking those I have hurt what they need and being committed to do what it takes to give it to them. Making amends means knowing who I am today and being the best me I can be so that I can live my sixth and final step without reservation.
Living with Grace
There is no easy way through the pain of having loved a psychopath. But, no matter the darkness of the path, the rocks and potholes strewn across the way, the fierce winds that blow or stormy seas we navigate, living with grace gives me the courage to face life’s ups and downs without losing my way. Like a sailboat aiming for shore, my journey is not a straight line. I continually correct my course without losing site of my objective. Standing in my ”˜I’, staying focused on my journey, I am not pulled from my centre by the winds that blow around me. With grace, I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome. With grace, I am free to be all that I am meant to be, confident that my best is good enough.
Mandorla,
Ignore him. Pretend he doesnt exist. I know it seems impossible but it works. You are a bartender, treat him like a patron. What would you like, sir? Here you are, sir. Thank you, sir. Then go to the other end of the bar. Dont even make eye contact. Most imprtant, no eye contact. s/p’s do something creepy with their eyes. Snake eyes. dont even look. Look at his forehead or something.
Mandorla, Hens’ advice is good…..treat him like you never saw him before—and NO EYE CONTACT…look at his chin or forehead or ear, good idea—get him his drink he orders—if he doesn’t order say “what would you like sir?” If he sayd “I need to talk to youuuuu” say something like “I can see you haven’t decided what to eat/drink yet, I will return in a few minutes after you have decided what you want.” then walk away. Say it loudly enough that others can HEAR WHAT YOU SAY and that you were polite and nice and professional. That way he can’t say to your boss that you were rude to him (a customer) and get you in trouble.
Don’t respond to anything except a drink order…give him the ABSOLUTE COLD SHOULDER NO RESPONSE EXCEPT A DRINK ORDER TREATMENT….we call that “gray rock” or “potted plant”—if you can not wait his table or stool that is even better, get someone else to wait on him and then act like he isn’t in the place. If you must wait on him…it will drive him crazy if you refuse to talk! It is the best revenge every as they hate to not be IN CONTROL.
Good for you! Stay around and keep on learning! It does help!!
OMG.. ox drover, hgg 522 and hen!!! Thank you sooo much!!! This advice is soo great! This is just what i needed to hear and something that, of course, my other friends couldn’t give me. Though, of course… its not gonna be easy…seeing as he’s hot as hell with that huge ass smile ( its so crazy how the attacment and attraction still is there after knowing he’s a sociopath), but yes..he is still equally creepy, disgusting awkward and strange at the same time…lol!! Okay… so operation “GRAY ROCK” it is!!! I hope it works… i feel like its gonna piss him off and make him more relentless and adament (sp?) about getting my attention back… guess we’ll see… There are nights when i work by myself, so those nights will be a challege, but on nights when others works to… I will have them get his drink. Thx again soooo much you guys… huge love and appreciation!!
Ya know, I am new to this site, and my situation never reached cohabitation or marriage (he just used me for the high he got off of the attraction, the game, control, manipulation, im a little pawn in his playground, “oh i turn to mush when your around” “u come in I jump cuz youve planted a million anchors in my psyche so i have no will of my own anymore” ahh the craziness) so I of course…if this all turns out okay in the end, am feeling very fortunate that my situation was only a year and a half of madness. I feeeel soooo bad for everyone who has children w/ them (has to keep up ties..although they should never get to be around their children, no matter what their niche is)…lost money..jobs…i mean all the endless destruction… its just so crazy. Well… I guess im just trying to say that i just feel sooooo bad for everyone… and am sending everyone every ounce of prayers for peace love and healing that i can muster up.
blessings
Dear Mandorla,
Sugar you can take it from this old woman, once you are on to him, know what he is that he is a SNAKE IN A MAN SUIT, you can give him the business…..and it will frustrate him no end, so there is that enjoyment too. YOU ARE MORE POWERFUL than his attraction, YOU CAN BE IN CONTROL of YOU! He can’t take over if you do NOT allow it. Wow, see you didn’t know how powerful you were did you!
Took me til nearly 60 years of age to figure that one out, but now, I’m WONDER WOMAN!!!! SUPER WOMAN !!!and so are YOU!
Mandorla,
That is so crazy! I’m so glad you are OUT! You bring up something VERY important though. My ex had THE MOST beautiful, gorgeous, stunning smile I’ve EVER seen on a man. I mean EVER. It wasn’t his eyes, it was his SMILE that KILLED me every time. And it was SEDUCTIVE, as well as that baritone voice. His eyes were cold as ICE. He KNEW the smile absolutely did it. Every single time.
I don’t know how you could serve him without looking at the smile, but…..maybe what hens says, look at his forehead, or just think that even with the killer smile, it’s the smile of a cheshire cat who just ate a mouse!
crazy..just got a call from my ex s/p’s wife. of course i didnt answer nor did she leave an vm. i text her and asked her if she needs something…she writes back oh so sorry, called your number on accident. (my kids are there this weekend is the only reason I text her back). they are totally obsessed, both of them. the other day i got a text from my ex s/p that was about me. oops, i guess he sent it to the wrong woman. i wonder how many times that happens to him in a day.
hgg
ROFLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hilarious. You’re taking it in stride.
I love it!
LL
After nine years without him and having rebuilt my life, some kind person gave him my address and he turned up on my doorstep! I told him where to go and he didn’t bother me for a while. Unfortunately, however, the woman he was with after me and subsequently married committed suicide in the summer (I wonder why!). He then turned up on my doorstep again and every time his mouth moved I knew he was lying. He made me feel emotionally blackmailed because he was crying and carrying on and all I wanted was for him to go away. He then went on to say that he wanted to get back with me and I told him he was wasting his time as that would never happen so he then retorted that he had a girlfriend anyway! I told him I knew his girlfriend and had her number in my phone and that’s when I saw a genuine emotion from him ”“ worry that I may call her and tell her!
Has anyone else had this sort of experience? I’m hoping that my actions may have seen him off but he is so thick skinned and pushy I’m afraid I’m not too optimistic.
Bels,
Sorry you had to go through that. Icky.
We all fear the day the slime re-surfaces.
About the only thing I can tell you is that mine went away when I told him that he was a predictable sociopath. I told him that as long as he is a sociopath, he can only behave in predictable patterns. Then, everytime he opened his mouth, I would say, “Of course, that’s what sociopaths do!” or “Now you are using the rage, can’t you use charm or pity ploy? I prefer those ploys.”
When he said, “Are you happy? Tell me because, I want you to be happy.” I replied, “You are saying that because you want me on the pedestal so you can knock me off it. All sociopaths do that. Get a life.”
A spath is nothing without his mask and if you rip it off each time they try to put it on, it’s quite disappointing to them.
Dear Bels,
If he was coming back to you, then he was LOOKING FOR SUPPLY….drama….and if he has you on his radar and has your address he may indeedy come back every time he is “down on his luck” or “looking for supply.” I suggest you don’t open the door, or threaten to call the cops, or DO call the cops if he won’t leave. Don’t give him the courtesy to even LISTEN to his pity plays or his tears…you already know they are LIES…so don’t even consider treating him like you would a “normal person” just DEMAND he leave NOW, if not, call the cops. If he keeps on after that, then you can get a restraining order on him.