There is no straight line to healing after an encounter with a psychopath. No clearly defined path that says, step here, go there. For most of us, there are no tools in our lifeboats that will aid us in the process of letting go so that we can move on to live and laugh and love again.
Healing from such an encounter takes energy. It requires a personal commitment to doing what it takes to clear your mind, body and spirit of his or her lies. Healing takes time.
When I first got my life back after the psychopath was arrested I looked at the devastation around me and cried. How could a once vibrant, successful, loving woman have fallen so far from her path? How could she have lost her grace and dignity by loving such a man? I didn’t want to believe that woman was me. I didn’t want to believe my life had crumbled to such disarray. But to heal, I had to accept what was and let go of my disbelief that it couldn’t be true. It was true. I had loved a man who lied. I had fallen into his web and let go of all that I had held true.
Stepping Into Acceptance
That was my first step. Acceptance. Acceptance of my life that day, in that moment. It was in tatters. My home was gone. My life savings evaporated. My belongings disappeared. I had to accept where I was at without falling victim to wishing, ”˜if only’. I had to accept that I had done things that hurt my daughters, my family, my friends, myself. I had to accept that in order to keep the appearance of that relationship alive, I too had lied, deceived and manipulated. In giving into him I had to accept that I had given up on me to the point that I no longer existed as a separate individual. I had conspired with him in my destruction. I had to accept I was a victim of abuse.
Acceptance was hard. Facing the truth of what I had done and what I had become hurt. But, to be free of the past I had to face myself and love myself for the wounded, abused woman that I was and acknowledge that I did not have to stay there. I had to accept that only I could create the change in my life that I desired, that it was up to me. If I wanted to move beyond his abuse, move away from that painful place I found myself in, I would need to find my courage and turn up for myself so that I could step into forgiveness.
The Gift of Forgiveness
And that was my second step. Forgiveness. For all that I had done and said and become that hurt me and everyone in my life. For, no matter how blind or stupid or gullible I had been, no matter how unintentional my actions, I had betrayed the sacred trust I entered into when I gave birth to my daughters. In my betrayal of that trust, I had broken my commitment to be a conscious and loving mother that they could count on to be there for them when they needed me.
Truth was, I hadn’t been there for them. In keeping myself locked in that man’s unholy embrace, I had hurt them. They too had suffered through what he had done, who I had become and what had become of me. For all of us to heal, I needed to forgive myself and to ask for their forgiveness and be willing to accept their right to be angry without picking up their anger for them. In forgiveness, I could lovingly let them move through their pain without forcing them to let it go before they were ready. And in giving them that grace, I gave myself the grace to feel my feelings, without having to deny them, denigrate them, or escape them through searching for myself in someone else’s arms.
My Commitment to Myself
Through forgiveness, I found myself taking my third step. Commitment. To myself, to my daughters, to those who love me. Through my commitment to do what was loving and necessary to get what I needed in my life, I made a commitment to turn up for me, without fear, without judgement, without hesitation. I made a commitment that I would honour my journey, no matter how painful, and keep myself safe on the path to healing by not falling back into remorse, self-denigration, self-abasement and guilt. By committing myself to love myself, warts and all, I gave myself the grace and space to move into my fourth loving step.
Embracing Gratitude
Gratitude. Yes, he had hurt me. Betrayed me. But I was alive. I had the chance to heal, the opportunity to begin again. By stepping into an attitude of gratitude I chose to create harmony, not discord, with all my words and actions. To bemoan what he had done, to focus on his misdeeds would have held me pinioned to the pain of his passing through my life. I deserved better. And so, I embraced gratitude and let regret and remorse go. I did not need to get even with him. I did not need revenge. What I needed was to find my peace of mind, to create a life of harmony without him in it. Every night I wrote out my list of gratitudes, I thanked my angels, God, the Divine. I gave thanks for my life, my daughters’ lives, the love that filled my heart and the opportunity to make amends.
Making Amends
Making amends was my fifth step. Making amends does not mean putting straight other people’s lives. It doesn’t mean righting the past. It means, staying true to who I am today. To keeping my commitments, my word, my promises. It means consciously choosing each step of my journey with dignity and grace, treating my world and everyone in it with integrity, being honest and open about my feelings, my life, my journey. Making amends means asking those I have hurt what they need and being committed to do what it takes to give it to them. Making amends means knowing who I am today and being the best me I can be so that I can live my sixth and final step without reservation.
Living with Grace
There is no easy way through the pain of having loved a psychopath. But, no matter the darkness of the path, the rocks and potholes strewn across the way, the fierce winds that blow or stormy seas we navigate, living with grace gives me the courage to face life’s ups and downs without losing my way. Like a sailboat aiming for shore, my journey is not a straight line. I continually correct my course without losing site of my objective. Standing in my ”˜I’, staying focused on my journey, I am not pulled from my centre by the winds that blow around me. With grace, I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome. With grace, I am free to be all that I am meant to be, confident that my best is good enough.
I have just recently registered on this site. I left my ex spath more than 4 years ago, however we do have a child together so as much as I wish I could have him out of my life completely, that will never happen. I have accepted that, but still feel some bitterness about having to have minimal contact with him.
I am not sure what stage of healing I am in since I never seemed to have any closure and remove him from my life. I still find myself saying the “if I had’d” or ” Should have’s ” alot…but I am working hard at it.
I feel I have accepted my role in what has happened in the past and have been trying to move on….just whn I seem to be getting to that next stage of being happy…the ex appears again with more lies and inuendo and accusations in family court…which of course never amount to anything other than heaving me back into a depressive stresssed out time in my life.
I need to find a way to not let that affect my life or my sons life (he is only 5)…as I can see that he feels my sorrow and pain, guilt, frustration, anger etc. I want him to see me happy. I cried the other day when I was laughing out loud about something and my 5 year old actually said to me “mommy, its nice to see you smiling and to hear you laugh”. It was an eye opening day for me.
It provides some comfort to know I am not alone in this struggle, as it eases my thoughts of “..am I crazy? am I making more out of this than it is? Am I being paranoid?…” becasue I know I am not crazy, its only that someone who has never dealth with this personality type CANNOT understand no matter what you say to them.
My best wishes to everyone who has had to deal with a sociopath…I look forward to continuing reading posts on this site.
Dear Jorja,
Welcome to LoveFraud, and I”m sorry you are going through this continual “spin cycle” with your son’s sperm donor.
Knowledge is power and it takes time to reclaim that power from the psychopath, and having to have contact with him through and because of your son is I am sure “crazy making” to the Max! You are not the only blogger here who has the problems with the X and can’t get entirely NC with them…but there is a great deal of information here to help you as you heal.
Also, since your X is your son’s biological father, I suggest that you go to dr. Leedom’s web site blog about “parenting the at risk child” because your son is at risk because of his father, both biologically and emotionally. Dr. Leedom has a son by her psychopath as well so you are in good company there.
You can find a link to her website/blog on the left of the screen here near the top under blog rolls.
Again, welcome and keep on reading and reading. It is a continual process to heal ourselves so keep on learning and the time will come. Maybe not as soon as you’d like, but each step is progress. God bless.
Jorja,
Good for you for leaving 4 years ago, when the son was only 1. If your son has mostly your influence be glad for that. I stayed for over 22 years. Luckily my spath was so disconnected and selfish that the kids really never got to know him super well, but I do worry a little about genetic possiblilites because his mother is a master manipulator and his brother is a cheating spath too. I now have 16,18 and a 20 year old. The kids pretty openly verbalize when they see mom in “a good mood.” I let myself get too far beaten down emotionally so the getting back up again is hard some days. I was going to love fraud daily for almost a year. Finally got the guts to post, as my divorce may be winding down, but he is a sneak. He has been on my email remotely for almost 3 years – that was to be a step ahead on every divorce matter. I wouldn’t totally shield your son. It’s probably good that he sees his father for who he is. Let your son know that it is only human to feel badly when someone tries to “bring you down.” But show him that you are courageous in standing up to his crap. Stay strong!! You are not crazy – they just try to make you FEEL that way. Stay Strong!!
Skylar I love this part:……….
I would say, “Of course, that’s what sociopaths do!” or “Now you are using the rage, can’t you use charm or pity ploy? I prefer those ploys.”
I would say to him, “Push play, the badboy tape is playing, or the tape has started again” (that means I am attacking and criticizing him) then I would say, “you can push stop any time now.” What I really wanted to say is shut the fark up.
I read a previous post with a comment ” if he is coming back, he is looking for supply….drama…dont listen to his tearful stories…they are all lies”
The pattern has been that every time another girlfriend leaves him, he starts sniffing around me again …and each time although i fear the cycle of abuse my son may see with each new girlfriend, it is almost a blessing because I know his attention is then focused on the new lies and impressing the new victim. This time after 6 months of dating, his victim agreed to marry him ( i feel so sorry for her as I know where she is in the cycle)…yet this time it has changed…he is trying to get reactions out of me by bringing his new victim to my doorstep when picking up our son, he uses her to lie for him, he uses her to try and get me angry, he gets her to send text messages to me instead of him sending them ( for things that have to do with MY son), he brought her to a parent teacher meeting….my son comes home and tells me that his father is telling him to call his new wife(victim) his mom…and that she is now his second mother….I know he is using her for money, using her to try and make himself look like an upstanding father, and to try and hurt me by hurting my son….I am not sure if I can be strong enough to do this for the next 14 years until my son is an adult. Its like an addiction…one day at a time…sometimes…one hour at a time.
My therapist said to me before to use that phrase to myself when I play things over and over in my head..creating constant worry, that …” you can push stop anytime”.
I have even found myself saying out loud, holding my head “I am pressing the stop button!!”
Dear Jorja,
Good for your therapist! You CAN push the STOP button! and you must do so.
Tell your son that you are his MOTHER and that he has only ONE mother, and that if your husband marries her she will be his STEP mother but that is not the same, she is his father’s wife.
Don’t let it “get to” you and you already know he is doing that TO “get to” you, to make you jealous and to use your son as a club to hit you with. Just remember, YOU CAN HIT STOP!!! (((HUGS)))) and God bless.
I too am a newcomer to this site and finding reading these personal accounts ring true for me also…..sadly. My ex is texting me regularly. Am deleting them before I read them. Have hope that if I continue to grayrock him he will give up in the end. The last time I spoke to him I told him if he didn’t stop I would change my number and his reply…..well Il come to your house or wait for you after work. He hasn’t but am alert and conscious that he might. He hates being ignored. He was aggressive and violent sometimes but it was controlled. He never lost it completely, if you know what I mean. I am fearful sometimes but then other times I feel confident he hasn’t got the bottle to just turn up. My son in law who’s six foot 2 has told me he won’t let him in. And so I keep the door locked at all times and hop that eventually he will move on. To his next victim he used to say. Pity help the poor unsuspecting woman. I’m lucky I still have my job and my house. And that my daughters still talk to me. I’m investing in that love again. The real loves of my life….my children. I want to keep strong and keep growing in confidence. As many have said here….one step at a time. This site is fantastic. When I feel unsure and start to ruminate and question myself out comes the laptop. Im soon back on the road of truth after reminding myself of the facts. Knowledge is power. Towanda
Oh and also I just wanted to say to jorja. I feel so sorry for you and I no how much of a lucky escape i had as I didn’t have the bad luck or whatever to have children with my ex. He does have a child however but the childrefuses to see him now. He’s ten and has seen him for what he is. I think my ex used me to give him credibility with the mother of his son……and that is something I feel terribly guilty for. Good luck to you jorja. Yours is the hardest road I think
This is a fabulous post. I hadn’t seen it until now. Thank you Mel.
Beautiful post.
What a great post. I have shared it with my therapist.
It so accurately depicts what it is like for “US”. Thanks so much. I have saved your post and will read and re-read it several times, I am sure.
I think I have finally survived another 3 week long ‘spath attack’. Have just celebrated six months no contact, on my behalf, however the stalking still continues. This week is not only “ITS” Birthday, but also the ten year anniversary of our knowing one another AND Thanksgiving!!!
It’s rather upsetting, actually. Just about the time I am starting to make progress, “IT” tries to burst into my life and I want it to stop. I have not responded to any of the ‘intrusions’ but the pattern is making ITSELF; isn’t it?
Happy day to you all ~
may you walk in the light, always.
Dupey