There is no straight line to healing after an encounter with a psychopath. No clearly defined path that says, step here, go there. For most of us, there are no tools in our lifeboats that will aid us in the process of letting go so that we can move on to live and laugh and love again.
Healing from such an encounter takes energy. It requires a personal commitment to doing what it takes to clear your mind, body and spirit of his or her lies. Healing takes time.
When I first got my life back after the psychopath was arrested I looked at the devastation around me and cried. How could a once vibrant, successful, loving woman have fallen so far from her path? How could she have lost her grace and dignity by loving such a man? I didn’t want to believe that woman was me. I didn’t want to believe my life had crumbled to such disarray. But to heal, I had to accept what was and let go of my disbelief that it couldn’t be true. It was true. I had loved a man who lied. I had fallen into his web and let go of all that I had held true.
Stepping Into Acceptance
That was my first step. Acceptance. Acceptance of my life that day, in that moment. It was in tatters. My home was gone. My life savings evaporated. My belongings disappeared. I had to accept where I was at without falling victim to wishing, ”˜if only’. I had to accept that I had done things that hurt my daughters, my family, my friends, myself. I had to accept that in order to keep the appearance of that relationship alive, I too had lied, deceived and manipulated. In giving into him I had to accept that I had given up on me to the point that I no longer existed as a separate individual. I had conspired with him in my destruction. I had to accept I was a victim of abuse.
Acceptance was hard. Facing the truth of what I had done and what I had become hurt. But, to be free of the past I had to face myself and love myself for the wounded, abused woman that I was and acknowledge that I did not have to stay there. I had to accept that only I could create the change in my life that I desired, that it was up to me. If I wanted to move beyond his abuse, move away from that painful place I found myself in, I would need to find my courage and turn up for myself so that I could step into forgiveness.
The Gift of Forgiveness
And that was my second step. Forgiveness. For all that I had done and said and become that hurt me and everyone in my life. For, no matter how blind or stupid or gullible I had been, no matter how unintentional my actions, I had betrayed the sacred trust I entered into when I gave birth to my daughters. In my betrayal of that trust, I had broken my commitment to be a conscious and loving mother that they could count on to be there for them when they needed me.
Truth was, I hadn’t been there for them. In keeping myself locked in that man’s unholy embrace, I had hurt them. They too had suffered through what he had done, who I had become and what had become of me. For all of us to heal, I needed to forgive myself and to ask for their forgiveness and be willing to accept their right to be angry without picking up their anger for them. In forgiveness, I could lovingly let them move through their pain without forcing them to let it go before they were ready. And in giving them that grace, I gave myself the grace to feel my feelings, without having to deny them, denigrate them, or escape them through searching for myself in someone else’s arms.
My Commitment to Myself
Through forgiveness, I found myself taking my third step. Commitment. To myself, to my daughters, to those who love me. Through my commitment to do what was loving and necessary to get what I needed in my life, I made a commitment to turn up for me, without fear, without judgement, without hesitation. I made a commitment that I would honour my journey, no matter how painful, and keep myself safe on the path to healing by not falling back into remorse, self-denigration, self-abasement and guilt. By committing myself to love myself, warts and all, I gave myself the grace and space to move into my fourth loving step.
Embracing Gratitude
Gratitude. Yes, he had hurt me. Betrayed me. But I was alive. I had the chance to heal, the opportunity to begin again. By stepping into an attitude of gratitude I chose to create harmony, not discord, with all my words and actions. To bemoan what he had done, to focus on his misdeeds would have held me pinioned to the pain of his passing through my life. I deserved better. And so, I embraced gratitude and let regret and remorse go. I did not need to get even with him. I did not need revenge. What I needed was to find my peace of mind, to create a life of harmony without him in it. Every night I wrote out my list of gratitudes, I thanked my angels, God, the Divine. I gave thanks for my life, my daughters’ lives, the love that filled my heart and the opportunity to make amends.
Making Amends
Making amends was my fifth step. Making amends does not mean putting straight other people’s lives. It doesn’t mean righting the past. It means, staying true to who I am today. To keeping my commitments, my word, my promises. It means consciously choosing each step of my journey with dignity and grace, treating my world and everyone in it with integrity, being honest and open about my feelings, my life, my journey. Making amends means asking those I have hurt what they need and being committed to do what it takes to give it to them. Making amends means knowing who I am today and being the best me I can be so that I can live my sixth and final step without reservation.
Living with Grace
There is no easy way through the pain of having loved a psychopath. But, no matter the darkness of the path, the rocks and potholes strewn across the way, the fierce winds that blow or stormy seas we navigate, living with grace gives me the courage to face life’s ups and downs without losing my way. Like a sailboat aiming for shore, my journey is not a straight line. I continually correct my course without losing site of my objective. Standing in my ”˜I’, staying focused on my journey, I am not pulled from my centre by the winds that blow around me. With grace, I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome. With grace, I am free to be all that I am meant to be, confident that my best is good enough.
anyone read this blog?
http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/
Wow! You described me….how could a once vibrant woman…fall in love with such a man? How could she fallen so far?
I look back on all the lies and the cheating and the disappearing…all of it, and wonder how I could have fallen for such insanity.
Each action, each lie was so smoothly explained. And I wanted to see only good. I had invested a lot of myself into this man so I had a need for the relationship to succeed.
More so, I guess, than my need for dignity.
That is the hard part, the focus on myself. Being with a psychopath makes you focus more on them if only to safeguard yourself. You become vigilant because you sense there is more going on than you are being told and you keep trying to piece it together… to bring clarity to what you are experiencing.
I am so new to realizing all of this. I feel so raw and scared that I cannot maintain the distance needed to heal. I fear falling right back into his web.
tri – hypervigilance and anxiety is the web he spins – when we get wrapped up in their web we lose sight of who we are – please be careful – your X sounds just like mine – it was three years of hell and when I finally kicked him out the ‘last’ time i could not function as a normal person – I felt this HUGE LOSS, but it didnt matter – I knew I had to listen to my instinct and not my heart – i am much better now 3 years later..if your like me you will never be the same person again and that is a good thing – hang in there – your doing the right thing and I know how bad you are hurting – walk through the pain you will be ok..
Wow neveragain, that’s a great link about that woman researcher.
amazing. I can so relate to her.
Thank you, Hens!
I was doing pretty good today, then listened to a voice mail he left saying how he was so sorry for the pain he had caused me (for moving in with another woman while with me) and loved me. His voice was full of pain.
Hearing it took my breath away. I had to pull the car over and regroup.
I was able to think through that the “pain” I heard was him playing the victim while trying to re-victimize me.
I appreciate your comfort. I have found such strength here. I was so lost and so down before I found this site.
I had lost the trust of my daughters for dealing with a man like this.
We were together four years, part of which he was in prison for. So along with being a psychopath, he is a man who has been arrested many times. One would think I could have seen the dangers with a man like this, but he is so incredibly skillful and seductive in a very subtle way.
I have lost my self confidence. I feel so ashamed.
I went back and re-read this article…gosh I hate CRS because I didn’t remember much of it and it’s only been 9 months since I obviously read it before…poor woman! Talk about a life of TRAUMA. I can understand her feeling really numb and her talking about the “fog.”
Yea, One/Joy I have seen that blog…and it is true, they do suck! LOL
Trimama, Hens is right, the hypervigilance is pretty bad at first but it will decrease. NO CONTACT is the key to that too…it is important that you do not let him contact you—blockk texts, e mails, voice mails, change your number if you have to. Don’t let him lure yoiu backk into his web like a spider! It will get better. REad here and learn. REad all the articles in the archives—read and learn it will help you get your feet bck under you! (((hugs))) and God bless.
Dont beat yourself up too bad Trimama, your in good company here. I understand about the shame and embarrassment and humiliation. Maybe the universe thumped us on the head?
So explain the voice message to me again, he is apologyzing for hurting you because he moved in with another woman and he still loves you? Delete that voice mail – your dealing with a dangerous mind twisting scum bag.
Yes I like men that are on the ruff edge, bad boys so to speak, but their is a reason they call em bad boys.
trimama,
don’t be ashamed. You’re getting it together now. That’s what matters. NOW, not yesterday.
Thanks you guys!
I needed you so badly. I am so thankful to have found this site. I was so lost in this situation. Everyone who has even an inkling of what has happened says to walk away.
It is not so easy.
Skylar? Yes, he is apologizing to me for moving in with another woman which he acknowledged last week. And continues to tell me he loves me..while living with her.
He calls from a blocked number.
He is dangerous. Very much so. If not for the emotional games he plays, then for the physical harm he does when he cannot control his anger. He is a powerful man. He has tried to strangle me. Twice.
I met the woman he was with before me and she was a whining, pathetic shell of a woman. It was clear to me after awhile that he was the reason she was like that.
I feel so badly for her, and angry at him for doing that to her.
He is a bad boy and that was exciting to me. Was.
He takes great pride in being bad. I never took him seriously. I should have.
But I will heed exactly what you all suggest. I don’t have good perspective right now. I still feel addicted to him.
Thank you!
Yeah, One, it’s a good blog. If you meant the specific post, it’s very interesting to hear a professional’s opinion.
Edited: I’ve just noticed you posted about ‘narcissists suck’ in June 2010, but better late than never, eh? Never mind, it’s still very relevant.
Psychiatrists have thrown up their hands with the personality disorders. No surprise. And the academics organising the DSM know very little about the actual experience of being in relationship with these people. Labels are just that — labels. Traits or full-blown, free will or not (just read BeAware’s post on the fact that criminals and psychos do have different brains so even if they KNOW it’s wrong they can’t do otherwise … interesting one) mentally ill or just plain evil … you could, and we do, spend a long time in a short life worrying about what’s going on. I spent three years. Now I’m interested, but I know that I’m more interested in making sure I’m whole enough to avoid being broken again, and making my daughter as Cluster-B proof as I can. She met one early in her life and it was a good lesson for her. I’m determined that she grows up loving herself enough to be immune as possible to their manipulations. Truth be told, she knew before I did that I should have got out of there. She begged me but I was hooked. I’ve done her harm, but we’re healing together.
I spent too long trying to find out what was up with the man I knew. The very strange thing was that no matter whether I went to a Narc site like webofnarcissism, a bpd site like bpd family, a histrionic site like psychforums, or here … everyone was having EXACTLY the same experience. I felt at home on all of them because no matter which of the cluster B labels you read about, you can find plenty of traits which fit in the people we’ve known. I don’t think it really matters whether we can state without doubt that they were borderline, HPD, narcissist or psychopath. They’re showing signs of the Cluster B continuum and that’s all I need to know to be sure it’s not going to be pretty. All of the ‘victims’ are deep in trauma because of the core behaviours of the character disordered. I prefer character disordered to personality disordered because, really, he was a man of bad character. No honesty, integrity, conscience or empathy. Just exploitation, entitlement, manipulation and blame-shifting, like the high end of every cluster B disorder.
DSMV, who cares? They’re not about to walk into therapy for help, because it’s never them, and what can be done anyway? It doesn’t seem that any of them change that much over time. Possibly because of their brain structure/chemistry, possibly because it works and that’s all that matters to them. They all need to win, and to get one over on people. Can someone who exists in that way long enough ever be normal? If nothing else, the shame of admitting what they’ve done to others seems to keep them immune to the truth. It was hard enough for me to admit to myself what had happened, and I was nowhere near as culpable. I just knew the dance and was a willing partner. No more.