There is no straight line to healing after an encounter with a psychopath. No clearly defined path that says, step here, go there. For most of us, there are no tools in our lifeboats that will aid us in the process of letting go so that we can move on to live and laugh and love again.
Healing from such an encounter takes energy. It requires a personal commitment to doing what it takes to clear your mind, body and spirit of his or her lies. Healing takes time.
When I first got my life back after the psychopath was arrested I looked at the devastation around me and cried. How could a once vibrant, successful, loving woman have fallen so far from her path? How could she have lost her grace and dignity by loving such a man? I didn’t want to believe that woman was me. I didn’t want to believe my life had crumbled to such disarray. But to heal, I had to accept what was and let go of my disbelief that it couldn’t be true. It was true. I had loved a man who lied. I had fallen into his web and let go of all that I had held true.
Stepping Into Acceptance
That was my first step. Acceptance. Acceptance of my life that day, in that moment. It was in tatters. My home was gone. My life savings evaporated. My belongings disappeared. I had to accept where I was at without falling victim to wishing, ”˜if only’. I had to accept that I had done things that hurt my daughters, my family, my friends, myself. I had to accept that in order to keep the appearance of that relationship alive, I too had lied, deceived and manipulated. In giving into him I had to accept that I had given up on me to the point that I no longer existed as a separate individual. I had conspired with him in my destruction. I had to accept I was a victim of abuse.
Acceptance was hard. Facing the truth of what I had done and what I had become hurt. But, to be free of the past I had to face myself and love myself for the wounded, abused woman that I was and acknowledge that I did not have to stay there. I had to accept that only I could create the change in my life that I desired, that it was up to me. If I wanted to move beyond his abuse, move away from that painful place I found myself in, I would need to find my courage and turn up for myself so that I could step into forgiveness.
The Gift of Forgiveness
And that was my second step. Forgiveness. For all that I had done and said and become that hurt me and everyone in my life. For, no matter how blind or stupid or gullible I had been, no matter how unintentional my actions, I had betrayed the sacred trust I entered into when I gave birth to my daughters. In my betrayal of that trust, I had broken my commitment to be a conscious and loving mother that they could count on to be there for them when they needed me.
Truth was, I hadn’t been there for them. In keeping myself locked in that man’s unholy embrace, I had hurt them. They too had suffered through what he had done, who I had become and what had become of me. For all of us to heal, I needed to forgive myself and to ask for their forgiveness and be willing to accept their right to be angry without picking up their anger for them. In forgiveness, I could lovingly let them move through their pain without forcing them to let it go before they were ready. And in giving them that grace, I gave myself the grace to feel my feelings, without having to deny them, denigrate them, or escape them through searching for myself in someone else’s arms.
My Commitment to Myself
Through forgiveness, I found myself taking my third step. Commitment. To myself, to my daughters, to those who love me. Through my commitment to do what was loving and necessary to get what I needed in my life, I made a commitment to turn up for me, without fear, without judgement, without hesitation. I made a commitment that I would honour my journey, no matter how painful, and keep myself safe on the path to healing by not falling back into remorse, self-denigration, self-abasement and guilt. By committing myself to love myself, warts and all, I gave myself the grace and space to move into my fourth loving step.
Embracing Gratitude
Gratitude. Yes, he had hurt me. Betrayed me. But I was alive. I had the chance to heal, the opportunity to begin again. By stepping into an attitude of gratitude I chose to create harmony, not discord, with all my words and actions. To bemoan what he had done, to focus on his misdeeds would have held me pinioned to the pain of his passing through my life. I deserved better. And so, I embraced gratitude and let regret and remorse go. I did not need to get even with him. I did not need revenge. What I needed was to find my peace of mind, to create a life of harmony without him in it. Every night I wrote out my list of gratitudes, I thanked my angels, God, the Divine. I gave thanks for my life, my daughters’ lives, the love that filled my heart and the opportunity to make amends.
Making Amends
Making amends was my fifth step. Making amends does not mean putting straight other people’s lives. It doesn’t mean righting the past. It means, staying true to who I am today. To keeping my commitments, my word, my promises. It means consciously choosing each step of my journey with dignity and grace, treating my world and everyone in it with integrity, being honest and open about my feelings, my life, my journey. Making amends means asking those I have hurt what they need and being committed to do what it takes to give it to them. Making amends means knowing who I am today and being the best me I can be so that I can live my sixth and final step without reservation.
Living with Grace
There is no easy way through the pain of having loved a psychopath. But, no matter the darkness of the path, the rocks and potholes strewn across the way, the fierce winds that blow or stormy seas we navigate, living with grace gives me the courage to face life’s ups and downs without losing my way. Like a sailboat aiming for shore, my journey is not a straight line. I continually correct my course without losing site of my objective. Standing in my ”˜I’, staying focused on my journey, I am not pulled from my centre by the winds that blow around me. With grace, I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome. With grace, I am free to be all that I am meant to be, confident that my best is good enough.
“I was able to think through that the “pain” I heard was him playing the victim while trying to re-victimize me.”
Trimama, hi and welcome. Your being able to see that is a great start. I think there are lots of us who had no idea that was what was going on. The shame will go, promise. Like Oxy said to me, it’s his shame, not yours. The addiction will go eventually too, but you have to starve it by remaining out of contact.
Trimamas. Were we dating the same guy?! Only difference was mine pushed me around and did not try to strangle me. Phew! Have you been through the blender.
I can only advise from my perspective. Block his number. Do not listen to his carp. If you listen to voicemails or read texts you’re hooked again. Believe me you are better off not engaging in this (although you will want to)
Kids, yep, they can see it. Build your bridges with them. Focus on them, not him. They, unlike spath, will be there for you in the long run. They speak the truth and it’s not what we want to hear and it hurts like hell.
I’m four months no contact, moved jobs, moving house, and you may need to do the same RUN as far and as fast as you can. Get this piece of shite out of your life for good.
*deleted*
Hi Verity….Doh!! I was trying to eat my dinner and type at the same time and got the messages mixed up. Hells bells, maybe all three of us had the same guy! I do remember now you mention the M6. He tried to >>>you – shite.
You sound as if you’ve moving on. Your post includes a reference to your daughter, so glad you have built bridges with her.
It’s a lovely sunny spath free day here:)
Hiya Candy! Haha, I’ve deleted the whole darn lot now. I’m doing three things at once as usual too.
Daughter’s having therapy with my therapist now, for what she went through with me post-narcissist. We’re all getting there aren’t we, it just takes time.
Yeah, sunny and spath-free here too. Just about to go out for a long walk with a friend. Take care.
Hi Verity. Yep, all getting there. Might be faster if we took the toll road but some how I think we have to take the windy lanes to reach our destination.
I deleted your specific reference, if you want to take out the whole thing just say.
Hope all goes well with your daughter. My daughter is in therapy too. Messed her up a bit, well that and her dad’s death.
Enjoy your walk.
Thank you, Candy and Verity!
I hear you. I do.
Were we seeing the same guy? Maybe. Mine’s thing is strangling when he gets really angry. He becomes someone else, dissociates in a way and goes in. He has large hands and is strong to begin with, exponentially strong when he is angry.
No contact makes sense. I am trying. I don’t know where he lives. He changed phones again. Which all means I can’t reach him, which protects me from myself if I was inclined to reach out to him. He hates that anyway. Contact between us has always been on his terms, never mine. I chalked that up to substance abuse, that he was out using. Now I get that it probably also had to do with his stepping out.
Through the wisdom of what you all write, I understand his efforts to maintain control. I wanted to see them as little gestures of love. He is just trying to sustain his source of money, sex, unconditional love and wisdom.
Does he love me? I believe that he does inasmuch as he is able to love. But his kind of love destroys. I can’t hold onto that much as I want to. I am beginning to see that he is more of an addiction than a person. And what is said about addictions? That they are cunning, baffling and waiting for your weaker moments in which to pull you back into their web of dysfunction.
I look at the woman he was with before me and it is frightening. She is a shell of a person, stripped of self-esteem, confidence and the ability to function. I asked him if she was like that when they first got together and in a rare moment of honesty, he admitted that she was much different then.
I figured I was stronger/smarter/kinder, etc., than she and in a better position to manage him and build our love. Boy was I wrong!
The difference between she and I is that I learned from her example and reached out for help before I became like her.
I wish I could reach out to her now and help her heal, but she has disappeared, no doubt because he would not leave her alone even while he was with me.
I miss him. I miss the times we shared, which were fun. It has been a long time since we have had any of those. Maybe it was the winter with less outside things to do together, or maybe it was just that he no longer saw the need to do things together. He just wanted me there to ease the lonliness until he chose another activity that benefited him. Never me.
Knowing all this stuff and looking back on all the insanity that was a part of my four years with this man does little to diminish the pain. I know he is toxic for me in my head. My heart hasn’t caught up.
I hold onto for dear life the things you tell me to do. I feel like a child, unable to make sound decisions for myself around this man. I am trusting those who are further along in their healing to guide me.
Thank you for being there in a dark time!
Trimama You sound as if you’re getting it together and have figured him out. Well done.
‘He becomes someone else’ NO, NO, NO, this is WHO HE REALLY IS. What he shows at other times is what he wants you to see. A kind of mirage.
When someone has had a skinful we hear the term ‘it’s the beer talking’ Well helllllllo….. beer does not talk, people do.
As for reaching out to his ex……if she’s disappeared then she is probably on the road to recovery. Concentrate on YOU.
Trimama,
You said above that he “becomes someone else” when he gets angry—NOOOOOOOOO, HE IS THAT BAD PERSON ALL THE TIME he just can hide it better when he is not mad.
Sort of like you could have said about TED BUNDY the serial killer,
“he is such a NICE GUY WHEN HE IS NOT RAPING AND KILLING”
My psychopathic son is in prison for MURDER….he is a card carrying psychopath who is a psychopath 100% of the time but part of that time he is CHARMING and the young girl he was involved with (that he EVENTUALLY MURDERED) didn’t “get it” that he was a BAD BOY ALL THE TIME and just pretended to be nice part of the time. She liked that “bad boy” image, the “tough guy” the DISHONEST guy was coooooool, but she never even imagined that he would lure her out into the woods and call her name and when she turned around he would put two bullets into her head, then take her purse and her rings and jewelry and take them calmly back to her room mate and say “I killed her, but here’s her stuff, I didn’t bring back her leather jacket because it had too much blood on it.”
HELLLLLLLL-OOOOOOO! If he strangled you—NEXT TIME IT MAY BE YOUR LIFE HE TAKES!!!! Take this VIOLENCE SERIOUSLY GIRL! Take even the HINT OF VIOLENCE SERIOUSLY. These “bad boys” maim and kill every day folks. You can’t take a chance unless you don’t care about your own live and the lives of those who love you. GET AWAY FROM HIM AND STAY AWAY. THIS IS NO GAME…
in my opinion they become ‘someone else’ when they are nice and sweet – the real demon is always lurking, trying NOT to come out and be seen….hiding behind that mask of sweetness….