There is no straight line to healing after an encounter with a psychopath. No clearly defined path that says, step here, go there. For most of us, there are no tools in our lifeboats that will aid us in the process of letting go so that we can move on to live and laugh and love again.
Healing from such an encounter takes energy. It requires a personal commitment to doing what it takes to clear your mind, body and spirit of his or her lies. Healing takes time.
When I first got my life back after the psychopath was arrested I looked at the devastation around me and cried. How could a once vibrant, successful, loving woman have fallen so far from her path? How could she have lost her grace and dignity by loving such a man? I didn’t want to believe that woman was me. I didn’t want to believe my life had crumbled to such disarray. But to heal, I had to accept what was and let go of my disbelief that it couldn’t be true. It was true. I had loved a man who lied. I had fallen into his web and let go of all that I had held true.
Stepping Into Acceptance
That was my first step. Acceptance. Acceptance of my life that day, in that moment. It was in tatters. My home was gone. My life savings evaporated. My belongings disappeared. I had to accept where I was at without falling victim to wishing, ”˜if only’. I had to accept that I had done things that hurt my daughters, my family, my friends, myself. I had to accept that in order to keep the appearance of that relationship alive, I too had lied, deceived and manipulated. In giving into him I had to accept that I had given up on me to the point that I no longer existed as a separate individual. I had conspired with him in my destruction. I had to accept I was a victim of abuse.
Acceptance was hard. Facing the truth of what I had done and what I had become hurt. But, to be free of the past I had to face myself and love myself for the wounded, abused woman that I was and acknowledge that I did not have to stay there. I had to accept that only I could create the change in my life that I desired, that it was up to me. If I wanted to move beyond his abuse, move away from that painful place I found myself in, I would need to find my courage and turn up for myself so that I could step into forgiveness.
The Gift of Forgiveness
And that was my second step. Forgiveness. For all that I had done and said and become that hurt me and everyone in my life. For, no matter how blind or stupid or gullible I had been, no matter how unintentional my actions, I had betrayed the sacred trust I entered into when I gave birth to my daughters. In my betrayal of that trust, I had broken my commitment to be a conscious and loving mother that they could count on to be there for them when they needed me.
Truth was, I hadn’t been there for them. In keeping myself locked in that man’s unholy embrace, I had hurt them. They too had suffered through what he had done, who I had become and what had become of me. For all of us to heal, I needed to forgive myself and to ask for their forgiveness and be willing to accept their right to be angry without picking up their anger for them. In forgiveness, I could lovingly let them move through their pain without forcing them to let it go before they were ready. And in giving them that grace, I gave myself the grace to feel my feelings, without having to deny them, denigrate them, or escape them through searching for myself in someone else’s arms.
My Commitment to Myself
Through forgiveness, I found myself taking my third step. Commitment. To myself, to my daughters, to those who love me. Through my commitment to do what was loving and necessary to get what I needed in my life, I made a commitment to turn up for me, without fear, without judgement, without hesitation. I made a commitment that I would honour my journey, no matter how painful, and keep myself safe on the path to healing by not falling back into remorse, self-denigration, self-abasement and guilt. By committing myself to love myself, warts and all, I gave myself the grace and space to move into my fourth loving step.
Embracing Gratitude
Gratitude. Yes, he had hurt me. Betrayed me. But I was alive. I had the chance to heal, the opportunity to begin again. By stepping into an attitude of gratitude I chose to create harmony, not discord, with all my words and actions. To bemoan what he had done, to focus on his misdeeds would have held me pinioned to the pain of his passing through my life. I deserved better. And so, I embraced gratitude and let regret and remorse go. I did not need to get even with him. I did not need revenge. What I needed was to find my peace of mind, to create a life of harmony without him in it. Every night I wrote out my list of gratitudes, I thanked my angels, God, the Divine. I gave thanks for my life, my daughters’ lives, the love that filled my heart and the opportunity to make amends.
Making Amends
Making amends was my fifth step. Making amends does not mean putting straight other people’s lives. It doesn’t mean righting the past. It means, staying true to who I am today. To keeping my commitments, my word, my promises. It means consciously choosing each step of my journey with dignity and grace, treating my world and everyone in it with integrity, being honest and open about my feelings, my life, my journey. Making amends means asking those I have hurt what they need and being committed to do what it takes to give it to them. Making amends means knowing who I am today and being the best me I can be so that I can live my sixth and final step without reservation.
Living with Grace
There is no easy way through the pain of having loved a psychopath. But, no matter the darkness of the path, the rocks and potholes strewn across the way, the fierce winds that blow or stormy seas we navigate, living with grace gives me the courage to face life’s ups and downs without losing my way. Like a sailboat aiming for shore, my journey is not a straight line. I continually correct my course without losing site of my objective. Standing in my ”˜I’, staying focused on my journey, I am not pulled from my centre by the winds that blow around me. With grace, I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome. With grace, I am free to be all that I am meant to be, confident that my best is good enough.
Hens, not all wear well the mask of sweetness.
My psychopathic teacher doesn’t completely hide his sadistic nature.
I think he’s short dick, by the way. Short and short dick.
Hens, I had the same experience as you: my psychopath had a mask of sweetness almost all the time–it was too sweet, too good to be true–but after we told our spouses we wanted to divorce, that mask suddenly began to slip. Then I caught a glimpse of his sadistic and malicious side, which Eva just mentioned.
Wow! No one needs to look any further for wisdom and kindness than right here!
You guys are great. Thank you.
You’re right…the evil part is truly him. The kindness is a show to lure in the unsuspecting. And the unsuspecting fit a profile…we are all outgoing, trusting and kind. He does not pick the street wise people to attach himself because they recognize his game.
I guess I did not believe I could be killed. Sounds stupid to say but I never thought he would do that to me.
And yet, he has told me he has killed people. I assumed they were other men in the Game. I never considered that they could have been former lovers.
Knowing all this in my head is still hard to make work in my heart. I read about “the neurons that fire together, wire together” and understand that there is a cascade of thoughts I have built around this man that influence how I feel about him….even now that it is becoming more and more clear what he is about.
And the fear part tends to strengthen the bond between us…kind of like the Stockholm Syndrome.
I have sent for the books and hope to learn how to re-do my thinking to continue healing away from this man.
Please continue to tell me your thoughts. I love to hear them. They impress me with their truth. Bear in mind, I have been wrapped in a web of lies for four years. So truth feels like an oasis!
Yep, Claudia, the german psycho i was involved with was sadistic too but the asshole was able of hiding it behind a mask of sweetness. But as i’m too curious i bombarded him with questions, requirement, etc. and the mak became full of cracks. The “sweet” german one once looked at me for a second which such horrible eyes that i thought i had had a hallucination and had seen the face of a monster instead of his face. And he did it on purpose and he controlled the time. Just a moment to make me doubt of what i had seen.
I don’t know what of the two is more dangerous, if the more openly aggressive or the “sweeter” one. But the teacher is giving me just pain. At least the german gave me also some pleasure.
Eva, I had a similar experience: the psychopath’s mask cracked at the end because a) I was asking him a lot of questions, since I was very ambivalent about leaving my husband for him and b) he thought he already had me in his clutches, so he put much less effort into maintaining the mask of sweetness. I think that both kinds of psychopaths you mention–the phony “sweet” one and the openly abusive one–are very dangerous. One type stabs you in the back, the other attacks you from the front. But either way you place your life in danger with them. I hope you escaped for good both of your psychopaths.
Trimama – You have been VERY lucky. Spaths lull us into a sense of ‘I would never do that to you’ but OH YES THEY WOULD.
Spaths tell one truth and nine lies. So 99% of what you THINK you know about him is a lie. (never was much good at maths but you get the idea) So turn everything he said into reverse and you have an idea of the man he is. eg I love you = I hate you. sorry = not sorry blah blah
YES they would, Candy.
That is an excellent technique…to reverse what they say to get to the true meaning.
As I think back to the different things he has said to me, that strategy makes perfect sense of the things I heard him say vs the things I saw him do.
I am loyal to you=I will screw someone else tonight
Those telephone numbers to motels in my phone=places to hook up when you are not around
That woman’s lip gloss on my dresser=my lips were dry
I want your birthday to be as special as you=I will be nowhere to be found when you birthday comes (but you better honor mine!)
I am always here for you=I will call you when and if I want to
I would never put you in harm’s way=I do what I need to do for me with no thought to the impact on you
And my personal favorite…”I’ve got your back”=your biggest fear should be of me
Thanks for you hopes, Claudia. I escaped of the german one with no much collateral damage, but when i was recovering from the shock of knowing these species with human body existed, a teacher of a subject i have pending settled a trap and beat me morally so i would learn “this way you’ll learn to be submissive to me!” and pointing to the door comtemptuously “Out of here” His own words.
Since then i observed him and he exhibits traits that turns my stomach: empty eyes, three multi-use face expressions, 2 or 3 multi-use body movements, walking around the class observing closely and as if he were a landowner controlling his territory and his slaves, empty blah blah, absolute lack of spontaneity and originality, extreme narcissism, self-centred, lack of emotions, false and frightening smiles, authoritative personality, extremely controller personality, always eager to steal ideas from others.
QUOTE: Trimama “And yet, he has told me he has killed people. I assumed they were other men in the Game. I never considered that they could have been former lovers.”
I’m not sure what you mean about he has killed “other men in the game?”
If this man has told you he has killed OTHERS, believe him! He may be lying but he may not be lying either…my psychopathic biological father would freely confess to having killed others, even exaggerated numbers he had killed, but I know for a FACT he has killed at least two people. My P-son has killed once I know of (he is in prison for that) and has tried to kill me….take any boasts of violence VERY SERIOUSLY…sometimes they do “boast” of violence they have not actually done, but at the same time, they also are CAPABLE OF MORE!
One man here on lovefraud, Travis, wrote about his own father’s boasts of murder and they were TRUE, his father was guilty of multiple murders…Only Travis remembering and wearing a “wire” to record his father’s boasts of those murders helped the police solve those murders. Not all psychopaths are killers but many of they are capable of great violence. They need to be taken SERIOUSLY even if they are the most “mild form” of psychopath.
Game= hood business
As in inner city ghetto stuff
The kinds of things rappers boast of
Killing other men in this line of “business” is par for the course. It is expected that these types of people cheat each other and “fix” things with a gun.
He is no longer involved in that stuff. Even the streets won’t have him because he is shady. But he speaks of having killed people. I just assumed they were people associated with this kind of life.
Not the one he is in now.