Is it possible that the sociopath is, in a sense, the missing link? Who is he? He is human but, in another sense, not quite human. Much like the Neandarthals, who were humans but not quite homo sapiens, and whom you’d have had a hard time differentiating from homo sapiens in a crowd, the sociopath may mix in seamlessly with the more fully developed human race.
Meaning, like the Neandarthal race of humans, he isn’t noticeably different, at least not by appearances, from his fellow homo sapiens. And yet he is different”¦he is missing something.
There is something primitive and underdeveloped in him. This is a very crude analogy, admittedly. Neandarthals weren’t more sociopath than their fully human counterparts, at least so far as I know.
And sociopaths are fullfledged homo-sapiens; we must give them that. And yet they hearken back, developmentally, to something more primitive, which isn’t to say, either, that the proto-human species were necessarily more sociopathic than ours.
At the same time, I don’t believe evolution would look kindly on a “species” of sociopaths. Not that evolution will look kindly, in the end, on the human race, which may destroy itself eventually, with or without the contributions of its minority sociopathic population.
But a species of sociopaths, by itself, would destroy itself, sabotage itself, in probably less time than many of the proto-human species died out. A species of sociopathic homo sapiens just would not last for tens of thousands, or millions of years.
It would be a cut-throat species and in its particular limitations—its particular interpersonal psychopathology—it would fail to adapt (at this stage of modern civilization) to the demands required of a long-existing species.
This would be an exploitative, impulsive, greedy, unempathic species; an “emotionally unintelligent,” “emotionally blind,” “emotionally uninsightful” species”¦all characteristics which surely would seal its shorter-term doom?
The sociopath is not a contributor, a builder; or what he builds he will destroy eventually, in any case. The sociopath is a “now” creature; not a patient investor.
If he’s a problem-solver, he’s trying to solve the problem of how to benefit, how to aggrandize, himself; he is not trying to solve problems that advance others, that invest in causes that don’t directly benefit himself.
The sociopath just isn’t a cooperative, collaborative member of society. He is a “solo” operator, out for himself. This is true whether he’s a more calculating, or more impulsive, type of sociopath. His aims, regardless, are fundamentally self-serving and gratification-driven.
His comforts, his satiation, carry (for him) so much importance, so much primacy, that even if they must come at others’ expense, this is just how it is. That’s the way the cookie crumples.
“To get what I want, what I need, which is preeminent, may come at your cost and, if that’s the case, well, that’s just too bad. That’s life.”
For the sociopath, his gain can come at your cost, and this is okay with him. He just isn’t troubled, like a nonsociopathic is troubled, to gain from your pain. It is his peculiar equanimity, in response to the distress he knows he’s caused you (and sees you in), that speaks to the essence of his sociopathy.
And so one might wonder, is the sociopath, in a metaphorical sense, a kind of missing link? Or maybe, just missing?
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is not to suggest that females are not capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
R-babe, just be glad there doesn’t have to be a court fight over custody of the dog or dog-support payments and you CAN re-home the dog if you want to and can’t reasonably take care of it. Options you don’t really have with a kid. LOL And, you can crate train it and not be arrested! Plus, you don’t have to send it to college! LOL ROTFLMAO Not sure why I’ve got my tickle box turned up side down, I guess just cause I had a great day! LOL
Ox:
True…oh so true! Hey, Im reading the online book Malignant Self Love…
Wholly shit!!! Whollllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly shit!
🙂
TTS,
I think there is something going on with spaths, at least with mine personally, in the spiritual realm. Aussiegirl suggested on the other thread that they might be demons. I wouldn’t rule it out!
Mine said several really disturbing things: “I have a dark side you can’t imagine,” and “You have no idea of the dark **** that goes on inside my head,” and “It’s too late for me,” implying during our conversation that he had made a Deal With The Devil sometime before he met us and there was no turning back.
I of course always tried to REASON with him, saying (stupid) things like, “There is good in everybody,” and “Don’t be so hard on yourself- you are acting better all the time (whether he was or not),” trying to encourage him to live right. As always, I thought he simply didn’t UNDERSTAND good vs. evil, and I wasted hours and days and years trying to explain why “good” is the better choice, and help him understand. I think he did fully understand, but just CHOSE the bad way.
I don’t know if it was a true deal with the devil, but I
think he must have made some kind of choice early on, and then his conscience at that point became “seared,” or made numb and non-working, like when you sear (burn) your flesh and it has no feeling anymore. There is a Bible verse that refers to people whose “consciences have been seared as with a hot iron,” I Timothy 4:2. It almost makes more sense, at least in his case, that he made a choice rather than being born without a conscience at all. I don’t have this figured out – I am wondering aloud here…
In fact I will say, occasionally, I did see a glimmer of conscience, a hesitation at least, just before he did something terrible. Unfortunately I think with “practice” at his evil deeds, he is losing that, and has less trouble being spathy the older he gets. (He is only 20.)
This is by far the saddest aspect of the situation; I do really think at one time he could have CHOSEN to live right. Goodness knows I begged him to choose right, and I held on so long. Sigh.
I agree with the idea of the post above. Of course, we all could remember times when our ex sorta ‘referred’ to the element of choice yet this went unackknowledged by most.
A relatively recent conversation I had with him regarding purchasing the BIKE rather than paying the BILLS went around this question…”Do you KNOW how to make ‘good’ choices? Do you KNOW the difference between ‘right’ and ‘wrong’? I was being serious as a heartattack, hoping on some level his STUPIDITY could be attributed to him just needing to LEARN a skill.
Nope…I was let down. His response was “of course I KNOW how to make good choices and whats right or wrong. I just dont care.”
I remember conversations he and I had when we began to date where he PREACHED about ‘every single decision we all make in every single moment is a CHOICE. No one can say they didnt have options.”
He also went on to say (and this creeps me out now) “every single day I have to FIGHT to keep ‘good’ (his name) in the forefront.” I got the sense that he LITERALLY had a devil and an angel on his shoulders and it was sooooo HARD to listen to the angel…like in Malignant Self-Love’s introduction “…most people stirve for goals and feel good when they approach them. They move towards something positive. I move in the sam direction but my movement is away from something negative. Thats why I never stop, am never content, no matter what I achieve. That negative seems to follow me around like a shadlw…”
His mom, (who never spoke to me face to face about him-always through emails…interesting, eh?) had made comments as well regarding not ‘knowing if he even really KNOWS who he is. He fights these demons inside him and has made so much progress.”
Yup…I teeter between feeling completely satisfied over ‘figuring’ this out and feeling completely sick to my stomache that it even happened.
Exactly, exactly, exactly. I totally relate to you on this topic R-babe. My spath was not my ex, but a young man we were trying to help.
The angel on one shoulder, devil on the other… I noticed that a lot. He told me almost exactly what yours said, “Of course I know right from wrong! (He was offended that I said that, I was insulting his intelligence) I JUST DON’T CARE!”
I was bewildered that someone could actually not care about that… after all, many times he was only hurting himself by the way he acted (drugs, breaking promises). He seemed so “dense” not to understand that Right/Good is the BETTER way, for him and everyone else.
This is where I became trapped: He also said something very similar to yours, “I am trying so hard to be good… You don’t know how hard it is for me to deal with ME.” Along the lines of “Every single day I have to fight to keep the good me in the forefront.” So I thought maybe if I was ultra-supportive, giving him plenty of my time and attention, explaining right from wrong over and over, patiently and loyally, he would be able to eventually overcome his struggles.
I felt so sorry for him, trying so hard to be good, trying to fight against his bad impulses. I wanted to help him and make a difference in his life.
But it sure didn’t work out that way! He is as awful as ever, and I am used up like a rag. I am still sorting out how much of his “internal struggle” was real, and how much was pure manipulation to keep me giving him attention.
Dear Just dreaming,
If you think ANY of his “struggle” was real, you ARE “JUST DREAMING” LOL—it is all a manipulation!!! EVERY LAST BIT OF IT…they do NOT care what is “right” or “wrong”—they want what they want when they want it and hang whoever it hurts!
Darn!
I don’t remember where I put my last post! Just shows how stressed I am!
Well I could use some more guidance.
As I posted previously, this was my reply:
“Jerkface,
I have read all of your emails. Initially, I thought that to look for a day care at this time would be an act of futility. Until you have permanent employment it would be difficult to arrange without knowing whether Jr. needs to be in full or part time care, and what locations are most convenient.
I forwarded Day Care your letter because I have had a very good rapport with her and I believe she deserves to be aware of your concerns. I do not necessarily agree with you. However, we must now look for daycare. Day Care, in turn, has given you the vehicle to make your accusations formal.
In the meantime, Jr. will be at this Daycare through March. As per the court order, Jr. will be in daycare on Tuesday and Thursday. You are day care Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I will be looking for another daycare in which to enroll Jr..
As far as your concerns regarding Jr.; I too have noticed Jr. becoming increasingly aggressive over the past few months.
In addition to yelling at me, throwing his cup at me, or kicking me when I place him in time out, Jr. has exhibited some unusual behaviors, which are of great concern to me.
From what I know of child psychology, these are signs of stress and anxiety that Jr. is unable to process or communicate.
At this point, in the interest of Jr.’s emotional/psychological health, I think you will agree that we need to seek the help of a Child Psychologist to resolve his stress and prevent any long term effects on his emotional development.
FAD”
(*His attorney argued that his MTW 6:30-3:30 parenting time be referred to as Day Care instead, so he could have it as ADDITIONAL to his current parenting time)
To which, of course (no matter how brief and factual I try to keep my e-mails) I get:
”
FAD,
Let me reiterate myself. WE are Jr.’s parents and this Day Care is not. Nor any daycare for that matter. And frankly, the situation at hand should have been discussed between you and I before informing Day Care of our thoughts. Plain and simple. There was no excuse for what you did. Of all people, I am more than capable of voicing my concerns to any individual who comes into contact with Jr. Day Care was going to be addressed immediately after discussing my concerns with you. Obviously, there was a failure to properly communicate on your part.
The failure to effectively communicate with one another regarding Jr. is a major issue between us. And this has the potential to significantly hamper our ability to successfully co-parent him. You mention he is under ’stress and anxiety.’ Well the lack of communication alone places unnecessary stress and anxiety on Jr. Although he is very young, he is well aware that his mother and father do not communicate with one another. It is very unfortunate that Jr. has to witness this. I have asked you from the beginning to try and put your unconstructive feelings towards me aside so as to avoid negatively affecting Jr. Once again, our priority is to not be selfish. But rather to put him first at all times. Having to include the courts in the middle of this debacle is one of the worst things we could possibly do to Jr.. The judge even stated to us that as his parents we as a unit are the ones who know what is best for him. So it is best to work these things out together and co-parent. I have tried numerous times to reach out to you about various issues, concerns, and problems, yet you have proven through your actions and words that you would rather avoid them than to address them. You hear me but are never listening, which is unfortunate for everyone involved. It is not Jr.’s fault we did not work out, or that we could not stay together. However, it is our fault that we cannot work together as two adults to provide him the best possible environment within which to exist. Each of us is equally important and loved by him. That is why he should be able to see us both equally. It is not just about me being affected by that, but it affects Jr. How would you feel if you were told you cannot see your father? When I tell him he has to go to day care for 2 days, he often replies “No.” That he “does not want to go to day care” and that he “wants to stay home with daddy”. There is obviously a reason he feels this way. I remember in the beginning he was excited to go see his friends but now it is completely different. When I go into wake Jr. up, he pleads and cries for me to keep him home; he keeps saying he wants to stay with me. That breaks my heart to hear and see him do that. That should be telling you something right there. But yet you are doing everything to keep Jr. out of my care. You feel that in the summer it is ok for Jr. to not need day care and be in your care 24/7, but not be in my care 24/7 while you are at work? That makes absolutely no sense. The only reason the court order states Jr. is to attend day care 2 days a week, is because of you. You would rather put him in a day care than to be with his parents. Yes socializing is fabulous, but he has 12+ years of socialization ahead of him. But according to you socialization is only best when you are in school working, when you are out for the summer; the concept of socialization is magically thrown out of the window. With that, I am asking you stop referring to me as just his day care. (*His attorney argued that his MTW 6:30-3:30 parenting time be referred to as Day Care instead, so he could have it as ADDITIONAL to his current parenting time) Ignorance and denial will get you nowhere. You need to think before you speak. Jr. should not hear any such nonsense. When he is in my care or yours, he should only be hearing positive thoughts about the opposite party, and he should be seeing positive actions. Alienating him from his father will do no good. This is Jr’s life we are talking about. The more you try to keep Jr from me the more he is going to act out and turn against you.
We should be communicating via phone and in person at exchanges rather than in a journal or through e-mail where our words can be taken out of context. It is especially awful when I drop off Jr to you and he is talking to you when he is getting into the car and you do not respond to him at all. You sit there and look at him. (for a whole 20 seconds) How is that good for his ’stress and anxiety’? It even states in the court order that we are allowed to greet him, but yet you do not? It is apparent that you want to direct any ill feelings towards me; however that is being misdirected towards Jr. if you think about it. Whether or not something is in the court order, we are both able to modify the order and change it as we feel necessary as long as we both agree. I think it is long overdue for us to show him he does not have to stress over us not communicating. This would truly make a difference. And since we will be in each other’s life at least till Jr. is of age, I believe we need to work on our relationship as co-parents rather than start sending him to see a psychologist right off the bat. Yes you are an art teacher. A teacher is not a psychologist by any means. Just because you work with kids, it does not mean you are in any position to diagnose Jr. as needing psychological help. Especially at such a young age. Therefore, until you have achieved a Ph.D. or Psy.D, please refrain from insinuating you know more about a child’s psyche than I do. The only profession I see relevant here is being full-time parents. It would be hypocritical to send our child to a psychologist before we even attempt to work together at home in his current environment. That is all that matters, and that is what we have to do for Jr.
According to the American Psychological Association website (links below) (…blah b;ah blah, medical jargon cut and pasted from websites, which he cannot even comprehend.)
At this very moment, we can proceed by searching for day cares. Please note that WE need to find a new day care for us to enroll Jr. in, not just you. According to the agreement we both have to consult with each other and agree in writing on Jr.’s day care before he is enrolled. My current job status should not hinder this search in any way. By simply telling day care facilities up front that we would not know for sure whether I will be working full time or part time, there should not be an issue. A lot of places have both available, and/or at least he can go to part time until a full time one opens. Regarding location, Jr. should be close to the both of us in order to create easy access to him at all times. That being said, the {} area is the most central location for us both. The {} area would be even better. It would be on the way and close for you to drop off and pick up Jr. on your way to and from your work. Also, it would be close to my house, if I got a job near my home, and if I got a job in Albany it would be on my way to and from work.
Thank you,
Jerkface”
Suggestions?
I have prepared this so far:
“Jerkface
We have both reported increased aggressiveness in Jr. I am greatly concerned about his psychological well-being, and want to be proactive. I want him to get professional help.
May I also suggest you and I see a co-parenting counselor, to help resolve the co-parenting issues you cite.
As far as day care; I am fine with the list you provided me at the August 12 court conference. If you would prefer, let me know which ones with current vacancies sound good to you and we can arrange a time for us both to go see the facilities.
FAD”
FAD (FightAnotherDay) My suggestion
Document Document Document BUT refrain from provoking b/c it only makes you look bad, esp when you need to establish credibility. Important b/c you need to show it’s not a heSaid/sheSaid battle. State FACTS, not accusations. Write as if a hostile legal system was looking at your documents. Provoking him looks petty, even though you are justified to be angry (ie “Daycare has given you a vehicle to make your accusations formal.”).
Don’t let him bully you. Call him on it when he is naughty. (i.e. “Writing with an autocratic tone is intimidating to me. if you are unable to communicate with a standard of reasonable decency towards another human being, then you will force me to find a third party for our correspondence.” )
This does two things, it uses society rules to enforce his behaviors and stops his free fall bullying and by introducing at least the possibility of third party witness to his bullying, but will only work if YOU are not provoking and are being reasonable. Spaths HATE third parties knowing them with mask off unless they are in the murder realm, in which case your situation is life and death and you should be taking your baby and running for your life.
KatyDid,
Wow! Very informative. I was not even aware that I was provoking him. I see now I was, I just think if his concerns are valid he should and would have called the authorities, as he DID threaten to and has with a previous day care and I.
Was I provoking him otherwise?
I am SOOO angry that I have to watch what I say when he can “talk” to me like that and accuse me of saying things I have never said, and that he would have no way of knowing either way!!!
What about the latest reply? Is that OK?
How should I change it?
TY
FAD
Nothing to do with anything here, but this may make you smile.
Im reading at the moment,
“Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers,”
by Karyl McBride.
{I am one of them.}
She tells the true story of her little girl, then aged 5, posing with her little cousin in front of the Mirror.
Girl cousin says,”We ARe so pretty arent we?”
5 year old says,
“Yea, we are, but Mom says its whats INSIDE thats important.
You know, like guts, veins, blood, and stuff.!”
Obviously too young to grasp the concept of the mind, emotions, etc!.
Love,
Mama gemXX