Is it possible that the sociopath is, in a sense, the missing link? Who is he? He is human but, in another sense, not quite human. Much like the Neandarthals, who were humans but not quite homo sapiens, and whom you’d have had a hard time differentiating from homo sapiens in a crowd, the sociopath may mix in seamlessly with the more fully developed human race.
Meaning, like the Neandarthal race of humans, he isn’t noticeably different, at least not by appearances, from his fellow homo sapiens. And yet he is different”¦he is missing something.
There is something primitive and underdeveloped in him. This is a very crude analogy, admittedly. Neandarthals weren’t more sociopath than their fully human counterparts, at least so far as I know.
And sociopaths are fullfledged homo-sapiens; we must give them that. And yet they hearken back, developmentally, to something more primitive, which isn’t to say, either, that the proto-human species were necessarily more sociopathic than ours.
At the same time, I don’t believe evolution would look kindly on a “species” of sociopaths. Not that evolution will look kindly, in the end, on the human race, which may destroy itself eventually, with or without the contributions of its minority sociopathic population.
But a species of sociopaths, by itself, would destroy itself, sabotage itself, in probably less time than many of the proto-human species died out. A species of sociopathic homo sapiens just would not last for tens of thousands, or millions of years.
It would be a cut-throat species and in its particular limitations—its particular interpersonal psychopathology—it would fail to adapt (at this stage of modern civilization) to the demands required of a long-existing species.
This would be an exploitative, impulsive, greedy, unempathic species; an “emotionally unintelligent,” “emotionally blind,” “emotionally uninsightful” species”¦all characteristics which surely would seal its shorter-term doom?
The sociopath is not a contributor, a builder; or what he builds he will destroy eventually, in any case. The sociopath is a “now” creature; not a patient investor.
If he’s a problem-solver, he’s trying to solve the problem of how to benefit, how to aggrandize, himself; he is not trying to solve problems that advance others, that invest in causes that don’t directly benefit himself.
The sociopath just isn’t a cooperative, collaborative member of society. He is a “solo” operator, out for himself. This is true whether he’s a more calculating, or more impulsive, type of sociopath. His aims, regardless, are fundamentally self-serving and gratification-driven.
His comforts, his satiation, carry (for him) so much importance, so much primacy, that even if they must come at others’ expense, this is just how it is. That’s the way the cookie crumples.
“To get what I want, what I need, which is preeminent, may come at your cost and, if that’s the case, well, that’s just too bad. That’s life.”
For the sociopath, his gain can come at your cost, and this is okay with him. He just isn’t troubled, like a nonsociopathic is troubled, to gain from your pain. It is his peculiar equanimity, in response to the distress he knows he’s caused you (and sees you in), that speaks to the essence of his sociopathy.
And so one might wonder, is the sociopath, in a metaphorical sense, a kind of missing link? Or maybe, just missing?
(This article is copyrighted © 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is not to suggest that females are not capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
FAD,
Accusations that are conclusions are always seen by authorities as provoking. To take back control of a conversation from this kind of bullying, don’t respond to each provocation he makes, but rather make a general statement. My husband was a dominating bully. By saying HE FORCES my response, if he wants to keep things private he has to behave. By showing him he “wins” by behaving, he will do so compulsively b/c “Winning” is more important than doing what’s best for himself. (They do a LOT of self sabotage.)
I’ve used “The tone of your writing is inappropriate and as it serves only to intimidate, it is also unproductive. If you are unable to control such behavior, you will force me to find a legally appointed third party to monitor our contact”.
I’m not telling you what to say. I am saying, think about what outcome you want. Sometimes I’ve had to shut up b/c it was counterproductive to what I needed to happen. Do not battle to WIN, position to gain. Let THEM think they are winning while you ‘settle’ for getting what you wanted (but don’t reveal what you want b/c then they see that as a loss to them and will battle you.)
(For instance, my husband “won” the battle for our debt free house. In that negotiation, I received $80,000 usd and copies of all the bank statements for all the years we were married (which by law I was entitled to but he was good at “losing” documents) and all the bank statements for the years we have been separated and all the statements from the years we sold our product to a vendor. He didn’t even think b/c he was so focused on screwing me out of the house I built with my own two hands… the financial statements proved his embezzlement from our joint business and I was able to attach a lien against the house forcing a sale and received a judgment and settlement for MORE than the value of the house.
FAD,
I think a little bit different on this than Katy Did, as far as his autocratic tone, SURE HE DID THAT, but I would IGNORE IT because challenging it is 1) not going to do any good he won’t get it and 2) BY ignoring it YOU COME OFF LOOKING MORE SANE AND LESS OF A JERK THAN HE DOES. Just my OPINION….
I think your response was PERFECT!
Thanks, Gem, that was cute!!!!
Oxy,
I see your point and agree that tone isn’t what matters… but my point was to provide an example where she uses his compulsive need to control and “win” ….and by giving him the choice to “force” her to something he doesn’t want, he curbs his bullying himself. She wins either way and he FEELS like he won.
FAD
Hope I’m not telling you something you don’t already know, but you got a controlling bully who needs to win. That kind of guy will take your kid and run with him b/c he’s a pawn, a possession (or. God Forbid, will do worse). What do you have in place to protect against that?
Hmmm. His girlfriend; “money bags”, and…
I denied a passport as well as enrolled Jr. in the passport protection program (I forget what it’s really called).
Yeah I am trying to make him think I don’t care if he picks the day care…sometimes it’s lose lose with him though. If I let him, he doesn’t find anyone in two weeks and gets to have our son 5 days a week!
Which I think is the purpose of this whole thing anyway….I would keep on pushing for the psychologist– and since Jerkface thinks that YOU are not the one cooperating, maybe YOU (hee hee) can learn a thing or two from the psychologist….I’d agree with him that the TWO of you (combined) are NOT cooperating, of course I think there is 99.9% NON cooperation on HIS point and 0.1 % on yours, but just agree that the TOTAL cooperation is not ideal. And it isn’t. Then the two of you agree to go to a psychologist together and/or separately….and then that ought to help. God bless you sugar! I know this is a stress and a half! (((hugs)))
Provocative article once again Dr. Steve,thank you.
We know that there is a genetic component to socio behavior, and that they are missing the empathy gene (figuratively)- and that their brains are hard wired in a different way from what they disparignly call “empaths”. So are they a different breed- ? Probably worth a closer look.
I would dearly love to see a comprehensive study on the ratio of socio behavior in positions of power vs. the rest of society. As much as we talk of them being ultimately failures, I believe there is a prevelance of them in high places and with positions and lifestyles that we tend to glorify as “success”.
Over time- this glorification leads to a celebration of the behavior, and a blind eye to the lies and injustice that has served to get them to the levels of power they hold.
As trends forcaster Geralde Celente (Trends Research Institute) said recently, “the world is run by sociopaths”. Perhaps as a genetic survival tool they really do have an edge over the shorter term, because as history has demonstrated, most of the tyrants and dictators, war mongers and thieves eventually come to a bad end.
But in the meantime, they are exploiting humanity, and cooking the books, rewriting the laws, to keep themselves fat, safe and happy.
What I am getting at is that we “empaths” collectively, are behaving like the abused spouse- fearing, forgiving, accomodating and excusing our abuser, occasionally changing one for the other, but submissive to an abusive class of “elites” none the less. Adding insult to injury, we give them attention and social status- we help them “put on a good face”, we go along with the lies.
In my case, it took a long journey into looking at this bigger picture, in depth, and through activism etc, until I realized I was sleeping with the enemy at home. Even then, it had to jump out and bite me before I came to grips with my own reality.
On a more hopeful note, in the last several years, I have seen more and more serious analysis of our condition refer to “socios” being in power, and the need for a higher conciousness and awareness on our part. It is perhaps a great turning point if we become more vigilant.
Peace, A
It’s just eating me up.
Should I be worried about the slander?
I am certainly not guilty of any of the things he is accusing me of.
And another thing. I called a few day cares and they informed me that the step mother called (Our divorce isn’t even final!) and set up a date for THEM to see the day care!
Additionally I am the PRIMARY guardian. They are going to want to be PRIMARILY in touch with me. Yes, we have joint legal, but he just can’t get it through his head that I am the primary caregiver and there should be ONE person who does most of the managing…the person who calls daycare when he will not be in, the person day care will call when he is sick…
What do you think, and what do I say or do?
My attorney must be busy because she hasn’t gotten back to me.
Dear FAD,
He is accomplishing and she is accomplishing just what they are setting out to do—make you as miserable as possible, and guess what? IT IS WORKING!!!!
As far as “slander”—you know darned well that they are talking trash about you, and so all you can do is to GET OVER IT! You are not going to stop him from being the creepy jerk face that he is. When are you going to get that through your thick head, MaryJo? 🙂
You are right, but YOU being right doesn’t mean that he is going to stop being an arsehole!!!
You have two choices as I see it FAD, you can spend the next 15 1/2 years being continually upset over every darned hair cut he gives the kid and every asshole thing he says or you can put wax in your ears and let the sheet roll off your back like water off a duck. HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. SHE IS WITH HIM BECAUSE HE HAS HER FOOLED. HE HAS HER FOOLED BY LYING TO HER. He is a DRAMA QUEEN!@....... ****DRAMA****QUEEN**** delux version, 24 karat gold plated DRAMA QUEEN.
HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE, I HAVE TO GET USED TO THAT IDEA. Now write that sentence 5000 times and turn it in before you go to sleep tonight! HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE!
You know I love you darling! but I ain’t gonna sugar coat it, you can scream and rant but he isn’t gonna get any better no matter what you do! or don’t do. You are between a rock and a hard place, the devil and the deep blue sea. The ONLY thing you have control over is how you react to his sheet! Like I said about the hair cut, it ain’t no tattoo, so as long as it doesn’t do PERMANENT AND LASTING DAMAGE TO THE KID YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO ADJUST TO IT…THE MORE YOU FIGHT HIM, THE WORSE HE IS GOING TO GET AND THE WORSE YOU WILL FEEL. (((hugs))) and my prayers for you!!!!
Just in case this helps, a social worker friend of mine suggested asking for a Parenting Capacity Assessment and agreeing to one yourself.
http://www.theforensicexaminer.com/archive/spring09/20/
I don’t have children with my ex-spath, but I have friends who are dealing with their ex-spath and trying to parent. It really seems to me that sole custody for the healthy parent is the way to go, but I also understand what people are saying about letting your children learn. And certainly, there isn’t just one solution for all situations.
Wow. Such difficult situations and decisions. My prayers and thoughts are with all of you and your children. This is really tough stuff. Blessings.