By | March 18, 2010 80 Comments

The Sociopath Holding Court

(The following is a satirical piece; it is not meant to trivialize sociopaths and the damage they inflict on others. Rather, through satire, the piece is meant to dramatize, in exaggerated fashion, some of the sociopath’s notable  linguistic, defensive and manipulative machinations.)

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, and particularly you, young lady. I believe you are juror #7? If you don’t mind, you are looking strikingly beautiful today; then again, that implies that you weren’t looking just as distractingly gorgeous as yesterday, which you were.

Already the prosecution raises an objection? My, we’re getting started early this morning, counsel? Rough night?

I ask the jurors, please, to note the prosecutor’s rolling of his eyes, a sure sign of his contempt.

As you may suspect, members of the jury, despite my lawyers’ advice, my family’s advice, the advice of the honorable Judge himself, and last but not least, God’s personal imploring, as recently as this morning, to use outside counsel, I have chosen, instead, to face you directly—that is, to represent myself—in this case.

No one, I believe, is better equipped than I to appeal to your sense of justice and fairness, if for no other reason—and there are other reasons—than that I’m smarter than all of my originally appointed attorneys combined, each of whom, incidentally, should have his license to practice revoked.

What the laws schools are churning out these days is downright frightening, but that’s another story. 

As you may be aware, while it’s true that I’m not a practicing attorney, let the record reflect that I hold four—no, make that five—different law degrees from prestigious online universities around the world.

I might add that I am also regarded as a legal expert of renown in the area of forensics and personality disorders.

How ironic, then, that I am here to defend myself against charges that I am a sociopath!

It makes me want to laugh, which is why I’m laughing right now, with the hilarity this absurd accusation merits!

Incidentally, if I’m having trouble recomposing myself, bear in my mind that my sense of humor is notorious and one of my greatest strengths, as will be evident during the proceedings.

Presently, I should also like to point out my tendency to use the word “incidentally” a lot, which, incidentally, dates back to my days at Stanford University where—and I’d like this noted in the record—I graduated with the highest grade point average in that distinguished university’s history”¦I believe it was an 8.3.

I note the prosecutor’s sarcastic display of his mirth?

I assure the court that I intend to furnish my notarized Stanford diploma at a later point in my testimony”¦if not today, then no later than tomorrow.

But enough of my preamble: As a first witness, I’d like to call my ex-wife, Sheila, who  also happens to be the mother of my son, Evan. For the record, let it be noted that I’ll be calling my son to the stand following my cross-examination of his mother, whose testimony, I anticipate, will prove quite illuminating.

Your Honor, I call Sheila Brumzovitz, the first of my four ex-wives, to the stand.

Hello, Sheila, you are looking rather old and past your time, today”¦excuse me, I meant to say, as young and beautiful as when we first met! And when was that? Was it really 27 years ago?

Yes”¦yes”¦the prosecutor can object all he wants, but I ask the jurors please to continue noting counsel’s passive-aggressiveness and oppositionality?

Sheila, first of you, I miss you, my darling. I know that you probably hate me to this day, and that you probably believe, for a great many reasons, that I wronged you and our precious son. Your feelings, darling, are valid, as feelings always are; however, your reasons aren’t, as I will presently prove to this fine, intelligent and, I trust, fair panel of jurors.

 But may I recognize, for the record, something very cold in your expression? Almost as though you regard me as an object, rather than a human being?

And worse, an object, dare I say, of worthlessness?

Be that as it may”¦as I said, you look lovely, Sheila, and I mean that sincerely.

May I also tell you that I’m so glad to have heard, through the proverbial grapevine, that you are presently and happily married, for several years now?

May the court recognize how very pleased I am to have learned of my ex-wife’s propitious circumstances, and please don’t ask me to define “propitious.”

Am I to presume, Sheila, that your present husband—I understand his name is Phil?—is  in the courtroom, sitting with the audience, no doubt in a supportive role? 

What”¦again? Another objection from the prosecutor?

Let the record reflect that my curiosity was not, as the prosecutor suggests so cynically, a diversionary tactic. I merely thought it would be civil of me, the father, to recognize the stepfather of my son”¦

To shake his hand, perhaps”¦and thank him for his generosity to my family.

Now Sheila, in your deposition, a record of which I hold in my hands, you described me as, and I quote, “”¦glib, charming, deceptive, manipulative and devious,” and also as, and I quote again, “”¦a lying, conniving bastard.”

Then, you abruptly switch gears and begin to list my less appealing qualities, describing me, and I quote, “”¦as, moreover, a thief, and a predator.”

Sheila, and I remind you that you are under oath”¦as you look into my eyes”¦that’s right, darling”¦look very closely into my eyes, and, remembering that you are under oath, I ask you, can a man with such gentle eyes, such romantic eyes, such soliticous and tender eyes”¦can such a man be guilty of the qualities you ascribe to me?

What’s that?

Now I object!, your Honor!

I object, on the grounds that”¦I did not like her answer.

Objection overruled? Not to be impertinent, your honor, but what political cronies conspired to secure your judgeship?

Okay, okay, I recognize your warning, Judge.

Sheila, my only true love, may I remind you that I warned you very early on—that’s to say, well in advance—of the consequences of your abdication of your matrimonial duties?

What? The prosecutor can’t object to this?

Are you on the rag, buddy?  How long has it been since you got some, pal?

Yes, yes”¦I realize I’ve crossed the line again, your Honor. Let me compose myself.

Now Sheila, I read here from a record of an email that I sent you, dated May 21, 2004. I quote from my email, “Sheila, I’m not warning you or anything. Just know that so long as you frustrate my sexual appetites, you are effectively inviting, if not licensing, me to seek satisfaction elsewhere!”

Your reply, Sheila, dated May 21, 2004, not ten minutes later, is, and I quote, “Ed, this is a threat, and it’s all about your narcissism. You are also a sex addict. It would be impossible for me, or for anyone, to satisfy your sexual needs. The only thing I license you to do is to grow up.”

May the court note that, only in response to this blatant, insulting provocation, did I commence to engage in several affairs over the next two years before my ex-wife abandoned me.

You allege, Sheila, in your deposition, which I hold in my hands, that on two separate occasions within the span of the year 2005, that you came home and twice found me having sex, in our house, with an unknown female?

You allege that, once, you found us on the sofa, in the livingroom, and six months later, that you found me, with a different woman, in our bedroom.

Do you recall your testimony?

Excellent, I’m glad there is no memory lapse in connection with it.

Do you also recall, Sheila, that on both these occasions, you were supposed to be out of the house—in the first case on an overnight business trip; in the second, in the hospital, having surgery performed under general anesthesia? 

You remember this? Very good.

And so, then, almost by definition, do you not agree that, in both these cases of so-called infidelity, you effectively ambushed me!?

You were not supposed to be home! I had every reason to believe I could enjoy my own space in my own house! Yet, unexpectedly, without warning, you show up at my house, and invade my space!

Objection? What is up with this prosecutor? How am I browbeating the witness?

Hey listen, buddy, how ’bout I show you what browbeating really is after the court adjourns?

By the way, Judge, I object to the fact that the prosecutor, with his constant interrruptions, refuses to let me establish any rhythm with my witness? Doesn’t that constitute prosecutorial misconduct? 

Why do you keep censuring me, your Honor? This is really starting to feel like a conspiracy. I ask the court to recognize the restraint and forebearance with which I’m managing my resentment?

Where was I? Hmmm”¦.let me look at my notes. 

Ah yes! And so Sheila, darling—and, by the way, for the record, it was you, not I, who abandoned our salvageable marriage—yet virtually by your own admission, you had the temerity to confront me, to embarrass me, to make a scene, twice, in my house, in front of two innocent women, who, let the record reflect, were unaware of my marital status!

God forbid you’d composed yourself, and allowed us, in each of these instances, the space, time and dignity to at least put some clothes on!

I ask the jury, now, to please imagine how mortifying, how traumatizing, it was to be confronted by this madwoman, who enters the house and discovers me in what she recklessly interprets to be a compromised position—that is, immediately the witness leaps to conclusions of sordid infidelity, without having the decency to let me explain myself and the important mitigating circumstances.    

Because don’t kid yourself, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. There are always two sides of a story, even when it appears there is just one. And when it appears there is just one side of a story, Sheila, and especially your side, I suggest that this ought to signal you, darling—remember this—this ought to signal you that the other side, in this case my side, is likely to be more credible than ever, and urgently deserves your extra consideration and respect.

Come again? The prosecution has yet another complaint? What do you mean she’s not on trial?

I’ve got news for you, Mr. Prosecutor, we’re all on trial!  Life is a trial! And the strongest of us, when necessary, rise up to defend ourselves from scurrilous accusations of the kind raised in this court—that I, who have never hurt anyone intentionally, and always been willing to reason with reasonable people, including my ex-spouses”¦that I am a sociopath!

No, sir, I am not yet finished with the witness and, incidentally, your objection that I’m badgering her, Mr. Prosecutor, is growing tiresome and lame. You might have noticed that the jury itself, Mr. Prosecutor, as if in unison, is stifling a collective yawn, if you even bothered to pay attention?

Now Sheila, there are so many things I would like. This may come as a surprise, but I would like, for instance, to be friends. I would also like for us to bury the hatchet, and for you to stop, finally, corrupting my son against me. I’d even be willing to become friends with your current husband, Phil, who, by the looks of things, as I watch who I think is him in the audience, does not appear to be terribly receptive to my olive branch?

Even at this late juncture, Sheila, with so much proverbial water under the bridge—that is, despite the baggage that’s accumulated between us over the years—even today, I’d be willing to consider another stint in couples therapy, on the chance we might make another go of things”¦recover, so to speak, you know”¦that passion between us that”¦and I remind you that you are under oath, darling”¦that I know you still have for me”¦no offense to your current husband and family.

Remembering that you are under oath, Sheila, and looking very carefully into my eyes, I ask you whether, in fact, it’s not the case that you still, somehow, find me very hard to resist”¦that you acknowledge, even now, right this second, how magnetic, how mesmerizing is the effect I still have on you?

I remind you, darling, that you are under oath!

I object, your Honor! I object vehemently! 

Once again, that was not the response I was looking for! May the court document that I could not be less pleased with the witness’s scathing answer, and I ask the jury to carefully note its reflection on the witness’s character and credibility!

Excuse me? Was that a reaction from Phil over there, in the audience? Is Phil getting overheated? I thought that was you, Phil. I can pick out my ex’s new partners from a lineup from scratch, without ever having seen them.

Calm down, Phil. Take it easy.

Boy, sheila, you remarried a feisty one!

Thank goodness security has arrived. Those security guys, if you ask me, really don’t get paid enough money to maintain order and decorum in the courtroom.

Wait a minute! What’s this? What are you guys doing?

Get your hands off me! What the hell?! This is outrageous! You can’t remove me from the courtroom!

Judge, I ask you”¦I implore you to have these goons release me right now, and allow me to proceed with my questioning of the witness! This is a travesty of my right to defend myself against charges of sociopathy!

I demand that right, Judge! You’ll regret this Judge! I know people, Judge! It’s a bad idea to underestimate me!

I ask the ladies and gentlemen of the jury, as they’re dragging me out of the courtroom like Nazi gestapos”¦I ask you to carefully note this outrageous transgression of my civil rights!

Please, ladies and gentlemen of the jury”¦and especially you, juror #7”¦you, who emanates such a rare beauty and sensitivity”¦.please”¦suspend your verdict until I’ve had the chance to face-down that whiny, objecting prosecutor!

I relish”¦salivate for”¦that opportunity! And it is coming soon! Trust me! It is coming soon!

Goodbye for now, but not for long!

(This work is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. While the central character in this work is imagined as male, it could just as easily be female, as sociopathy does not gender-discriminate.)

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This is great, Steve! Thanks!

kim frederick

Great way to start the day, with a snicker. Thanks, Steve.


i am only a quarter of the way through this …have gotten as far as: Hello, Sheila, you are looking rather old and past your time, today”excuse me, I meant to say, as young and beautiful as when we first met! And when was that? Was it really 27 years ago?;



OMG a mix of pain and parody!!! That was great!

Ox Drover

STEVE!!!!!! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!! This is the BEST article here on the entire LF blog!!! I think you need to aspire to be a stand up comic at psych conventions, you could do this routine word for word, and SLAY THEM IN THE AISLES! I am still not able to breathe well after laughing til I fell out of my chair, rolling on the floor, braying like a jack ass, unable to stop laughing long enough to get my breath!

Seriously, though, I think it would be an eye opener SCRIPT for a “skit” at a mental health convention of professionals!!!!

You have got it all down PAT!!!! Congratulations, Steve, this is a WINNER!!!!!!

Twice Betrayed

Great satire! Isn’t it ironic how these S/P’s all have the same script?!


You got that right! Fabulous!

I can’t help but be amused that it appears on the very day on which I discoved mine was already married.

Guess this script will soon be playing in a nearby venue to me.
I love the idea of sending snickers bars.

Stand up has a place for you.

But could you do it with a dummy like Jeff Dunham?
I think its comedy central material.



Thanks for the giggles…..
But….I must warn you……there is probably the online degreed, non attorney, with his fancy for juror #7, who is thinking about a lawsuit…..directed at you….for stealing his biography!

Thanks for all you write for LF!!



Ox Drover

BUMP to the top of the list! I do NOT want this onoe to scroll off the bottom, this is THE BEST and funniest thing I have ever seen on LF or anywhere else. I vote STEVE the Platinum SKILLET for this one. What do you guys think? Do I hear a “Here! here!” from down under!?


HERE HERE….I second that e….motion!




EB, the visual organizer!




did we lose hens when i was on the bus?

i gotta get ready for bed.
i am going to see the cognitive therapist elitest dude early in the AM. (who the f*ck does counseling at 8AM?) and i am going to talk to him about PTSD and anxiety.

i want an evalutaion. and for the moment, i want medication.

i will keep working with all the lifestyle changes i can make, but i want to try medication. I need to find a job, and if i don’t get some help with my anxiety, i might not. I had 2 really bad days this week and it isn’t okay to have my head where it has been – every time i go there i am digging a groove that i can get derailed in.

i hope talking to him is productive. it’s iffy with him. (what can i say, he’s free) i would never choose someone like this. he has absolutely no concept of ‘poor’.


not a clue about this erin – haven’t run into it before.

but if you want me to read an email header, capture a screen shot or sign in via a proxy server, THAT i can do. 😉


Not sure where hens went…..

I guess i’m gonna be the lone ranger now……alone on the graveyard LF shift…..

I hope you get some ‘satisfaction’ tomorrow with your ‘guy’…..make it work for you….whoever he is……whatever he is used to…..YOU need the help….so design it around your needs.
GOOD LUCK and nighty night!!!


Miss Erin,
May I ask why you are smiling on all the pages? Are we happy today?
Did hens tell a good joke?


thanks EB!


hi witty – no, erin is twisted. 🙂


Hi One,
I guess, I thought maybe I missed a fun filled night!


Good Luck tomorrow One. Let me know what you find out, I would be interested…I went to my counselor on Wed but my son also went so didn’t do any Pts “talk”.


you would think that you won SEVERAL silver skillet awards tonight with all the smileys. 🙂


No…..LOL….we had a thread that had too many posts and when you posted on it it took forever for each typed word to load… I was trying to get rid of that thread by bringing up new threads…which meant I had to post……
I’m thinking next time a intruder shows up we can flush em out with smiley faces……


hi witty – oh, i think the fun is still on…it started with some rude joke hens made, then we were off and running for a couple of hours. not a spath in the house.

i love this sort of banter -actually one of my biggest ‘i miss’ about the spath – we literally could do this for hours.

i will let you know about the meds. I have been doing a little research into anti anxiety drugs. i will never use ssri drugs again. they f*ck me up and don’t work for me.

i know some of the anti- anxiety medicine is very addictive (like a drug called atavan that i had to take when my back seized on me last year. i have never exhibited ‘drug seeking behaviour (at least not that i will cop to in a public forum ;)) but atavan was like liquid happy for me, especially with my basic pain level and muscles tension being high.)

i’ll see what he has to say. i think he would be open to drugs (he is such an allopath!), but may want a full evaluation at the anxiety clinic first. if he tries for the ssri class drugs he’ll get a punch in the nose. like a bad spaniel or something. oh my, i AM tired.

night night…gotta go to bed now. xo and take good care witty!

Ox Drover

Witty, we have just mainly being silly, henry told a bad joke and it went down hill from there! Just good twissted fun. Hope you had a good day, I’m heading out to bed. Love Oxy


Oh poop…..the 600 count thread….and I’m not talking sheets is back… much for my idea!


AND oxy was acting like a PRINCESS tonight!!!
I think she’s pregnant again!!!


You might be on to something….Smileys instead of potted plants.

One step has her own way of dealing with a troll…While I was busy watering the plants she was giving me a blow by blow account of her to do list…She was painting rooms and rotating tires and everything! The only problem with this was I was exhausted just thinking about the to do list.


😉 that should just about do it.


Oxy has risen to queen….The princess position is now open.


I remember that……I think you started your dusting too huh…..and thought of rotating the tires?
We could smiley them right off the thread……do ya think someone might start asking questions………

Howzit going Wits…..I saw you went to counseling with Jr…….how’d this come about…..
I am hoping your situation is going better… least for you!!!!


I nominate HENS!


witty – probably the first time i ever bored anyone to death…impolite of me, especially after he went to all the trouble to call me a C**T!

okay……………………..good night!!


oh F**K, I was gonna say oxy can’t be queen, cuz….


No he is the hero. He already has a position.

yeah all I was doing was dusting the grey rocks and watering plants…
But one step was kickin some butt.


Oooh I missed that…..
He taught me a lesson is patience….cuz I wanted to ream him….up one side and down the other……

So….Okay…..I’m nominating Witty for Princess……..cuz it’s much nicer than head housemaid!!!
And One for BUTT kicker!


cuz….Why? Shes got all the dang skillets.


So….the smileys will be the tsunami warning signals that the potted plants are flooding…..
That way, we won’t walk into something blind……but SMILING!!!


Hi Witty They blame all the silly nonsense on me.. I thot my joke was really good ,,, I have to pester my friends here at LF…


you know how women are….I gotta go read the joke…


he’s a teeze…he just pops in with his hilarious one liners and disappears again……
Hens the hero!


witty my joke was on another thread i think – want me to tell you? Oh erin you are the wind beneath my wings…..


Hell I can’t even find the joke….But you guys were having a blast all over the threads here tonight!

Hey hens, I know how you can piss miss Erin off.
Post on the thread with the 600count! LOL


tell me the joke




well think about it..


witty What thread did Erin post 600 comments on?

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