I do much couples therapy, and occasionally have had the interesting, if disconcerting, experience where one of the partners is a sociopath, or has significant sociopathic tendencies.
Unsurprisingly, it is always the nonsociopathic partner who is occasionally successful in dragging his or her sociopathic counterpart to counseling. The sociopathic partner, just as predictably, will have no collaborative interest in the relationship’s improvement. However, he or she may be sufficiently selfishly and manipulatively motivated to attend.
For instance, the relationship may offer conveniences the sociopathic partner does not want to see end. The nonsociopathic partner may have reached wit’s end and may really be prepared to end the relationship, arousing the sociopathic partner’s concerns that the gravy-train, as it were, may be over.
This can be the sociopath’s inducement to try to “patch things up with,” to “settle down” the nonsociopathic partner, in order to salvage the perks of the relationship. (The quoted phrases are meant to capture the sociopath’s condescending, self-serving thinking.)
The couples therapy environment provides little cover for the sociopath who, for this reason, will prefer generally to avoid it. The reason that sociopaths fare so poorly in disguising their sociopathy in a couples therapy situation is that, facing an aggrieved partner, the sociopath will struggle, and often fail, to produce responses of convincing sincerity and depth.
In other words, the sociopath’s fundamental defects of empathy and sincerity, in the emotional hotseat of couples counseling, are at risk of being flagrantly unmasked—sooner, typically, than in individual (court-mandated) counseling, where the sociopath, safe from the spontaneous challenges and disclosures of his or her abused partner, can more effectively misrepresent and deceive.
Couples counseling is inadvisable when a partner is a suspected sociopath for several reasons. Among them:
1) The therapist does not want to enable the belief (especially the nonsociopathic partner’s belief) that a nonabusive, honest relationship can possibly evolve with a sociopathic partner.
2) It is inherently humiliating for the nonsociopathic partner to make him or herself vulnerable to a partner whose only capable response to that vulnerability is exploitative. The therapist does not want to collude in this process.
3) There is the risk that the sociopathic partner, who is probably blaming and possibly vengeful, will use his or her partner’s complaints during the session as a basis, after the session, to punish him or her for having had the audacity to expose him or her.
This risk, incidentally, applies to any abusive individual in couples therapy. Narcissists’ abusiveness in this situation will arise most likely from their sense of entitlement—for instance that their partners owe it to them to always make them look, and feel, good (in private and public).
For sociopaths, exposure may be experienced as a sort of defeat: their mask is uncovered; their leverage as an operator—and with it their parasitical lifestyle—is threatened. Their game may be over. They may be mad.
One accidental benefit of stumbling upon a sociopath in couples therapy is the chance it affords the therapist (who recognizes it) to be a professional (and desperately needed) witness for the nonsociopathic partner.
The therapist may be in a position to provide the vulnerable partner, in subsequent individual sessions (after the couples counseling has been appropriately terminated), critical validation, information, and lifesaving support.
All of this presupposes the therapist’s ability to identify the sociopathic partner. When the couples therapist fails to identify that he or she is dealing with a couple in which one of the partners is sociopathic, the ensuing counseling process will undermine all of the nonsociopathic partner’s interests.
In failing to expose the sociopath, the counseling, by definition, will be abetting the sociopath. It will be structured on the false pretense that two reasonable clients are having problems with each other that they’ve co-created, which will not be the case. This false assumption will support the unequal, exploitative playing-field the sociopath has sewn all along.
For this reason—especially if your self-esteem has been battered in a relationship—I encourage you to explore assertively with a prospective therapist the extent of his or her experience with narcissistic and sociopathic personalities. Your inquiry should be met with absolute respect. A defensive response should rule the therapist out, as should vague, general responses, along the lines of, “Well, yes, I’ve worked with these kinds of clients. Is that what you’re asking?”
The answer is “no.” That’s not what you are asking. You are asking for a more substantive response, characterized by the therapist’s interest and patience to discuss in some depth his or her clinical background with the personality-disordered population.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Odette
Reading this reminds me of my brother. Before he married his wife she arranged couples counselling because they were going through a rough patch. They went to a few sessions and then he stayed away because, in his words, “that guy was stupid, he didn’t know what he was talking about”.
I’m guessing the therapist probably 1 ) didn’t take kindly to my brother trying to run the session – I know my brother, he’s a control freak; 2) challenged my brother’s ignorant assumptions and 3) actually held him to account for his actions.
My brother’s favourite insult is the word “stupid”. Everyone is stupid except for him. He is the only one who knows the right thing to do. And of course, you can’t possibly know yourself. He knows you better than you know yourself. I’ve been told this by time – I don’t know myself, he does.
I used to feel sorry for his wife until I realised she was as manipulative and hypocritical as he is. They make the perfect couple. I’m just sorry for their two young children, having to bear the burden of those two parents. I made the decision to be NC with both my brother and his wife so unfortunately there is nothing I can do for the children.
kat_o_nine_tales
This is a great article. It’s interesting to me that to deal with a sociopath you have to see things in an entirely different way. It’s all about understanding their motivations. I do think sometimes counselors accidentally open the S’s eyes to the fact that they ARE sociopaths.. not all of em know it. Not that that makes any difference in the end, they likely just put that knowledge into their arsenal of tricks.
This makes me want to be a couples counselor..lol
JaneSmith
Steve,
Thank you for this enlightening article. It’s been a very long time since I was married to my x psycho. I wouldn’t even have considered couples therapy as I was very young and oblivious to the term of personality disordered individuals.
I just knew the guy was inherently messed up. I got to the point where I would plead with him to get out of the house, go somewhere away from me for a time, leave me alone.
He was always “up in my business” following me around the house, checking up on me in whichever room I was trying to seek solitude. Man….he drove me bonkers!
Years later after our divorce, I visited him at his auto mechanic shop as he offered to fix my car for free, which was totally surprising as he wasn’t all that altruistic. Always looking for the next con for his own selfish needs.
When he walked out of the building, I gaped at him. He looked terrible, as if his self indulgent lifestyle had caught up with him and was showing on his sallow face. He said I hadn’t changed a bit, except maybe I was taller. Whatever. I’ve always been a moderate so maybe that’s why I looked a heck of a lot healthier than him.
Breaking up with him was so beneficial for me and by the time I kicked him to the curb, I was done with the abusive crap.
Hopefully people who read your article today will realize they’re in a situation where the best and only resolution is to cut your losses and flee. It’s a pointless endeavor to love and truly care for someone who can’t love or care themselves.
Odette,
Your brother sounds like so many creeps I’ve met in my life. The controlling, arrogant type that you just want to strangle they’re so irritating, so exasperating.
I know it hurts, doll, to realize he is pretty much the same dude as your x psycho, but as painful as the truth is….it has set you free and you can breathe a whole lot easier and think a whole lot more clearer by shunning him completely from your life.
They say blood is thicker than water, but if your blood relative is a predator…..time to clean house and go eternally no contact. It’s the only way for us to maintain our sanity and hard earned peace and happiness.
Steve Becker, LCSW
You are welcome, Jane, and good for you that, on your own, at such a young age, you were confident enough to know when enough was enough!
Steve Becker, LCSW
Sorry, Jane, meant JaneSmith! Also, thanks Kat for your comments. Maybe you can specialize in outing sociopaths in your future couples practice?
Beverly
Dear Steve, ten months into the relationship, I sought counselling with a very well known UK counselling service for marital, relationship problems. The ex of course declined the offer to attend. I paid for 6 sessions to try and understand what was happening, why I was on a roller coaster. The counsellor wrongly ‘diagnosed’ that I was in a relationship with a commitment phobic man. After these sessions, i went back to the ex quite a few times. After it ended and I discovered that the ex was a Narcissist, so much of what he did fell into place, once I realised that I had been set up, I couldnt wait to jummp out of the relationship. I then went back to the counselling service to tell them that they wrongly diagnosed and that had I have known more, I would have jumped ship earlier. They said that because he (the ex) was not present, it was difficult to come to a steadfast conclusion. i told them, that over the six sessions I had given them PLENTY OF information, that if they had known what I was dealing with, they possibly could have alerted me as to what kind of relationship I was in. I told them, that I had paid for their guidance and I felt that the guidance had been inaccurate and that I suggested maybe their counsellors know more about anti socials.
amanwhocares
John Bradshaw recently said that most of the violence done in society is done by the shame based. I pray for the day that family courts into which people find themselves recognize systematic parental alienation and the usual sole custody as child abuse. Right now we have actual groups founded and headed by lawyers, e.g. Randy Burton with his Justice for Children http://www.justiceforchilden.org that repudiate the credibility of Parental Alienation while they purport to be saviours of children, intervening for women mostly and for free to take the kids from thier fathers. But who said that sociopaths cannot creep into and attain positions of authority, right? In fact it is often one trait of a sociopath and sociopathic (addicted) systems. Read too Anne Wilson Schaef’s, When Society Becomes An Addict, Harper and Row, 1986.
Steve Becker, LCSW
Beverly, it’s always a risk, when a therapist attempts to diagnose, or suggest a diagnosis for, someone he or she hasn’t met, for something like this to happen. The consequences, as in your case, can be really unfortunate. Usually, instead of trying to understand a client’s nonpresent partner, it’s best that therapists focus on trying to understand their clients. Obviously, there are situations where it’s useful for therapists to suggest to certain clients that the latter may be dealing with a mentality (and/or subject) with which they’ve been unfamiliar and need information. I do this sometimes, of course. But it’s risky if the therapist if off-base, and it potentially encourages the client to try to fix the damaged partner rather than her/himself. In any case, it’s a good thing that you conveyed to the Agency your feelings, and concerns, that you’d been steered in an unhelpful direction!
TrishNJ
If I could do it all over…If I only knew what I know now about P’s,N’s and S’s. I would have had the strenght to leave my x-boyfriend father of my daughter the day he kicked me in the stomach at 5 months pregnant. I urged him to go to therapy with me…to save our relationship….not a chance….he knew what he was. He used to constantly say, “my way or the highway” and “I am God”! Very, very controlling and manipulative. I felt like my life was taken from me the day I met him. And in the end he did manage to convince my daughter to come live with him. So we are estranged now. She is a teen ager and is self absorbed now but I worry that she will be just like him. Underneath it all I know she has a good heart. I just hope she stays awake to that.
But if I were to do it over…I would have left when I was preganant and have no contact what so ever. I would have followed through on the domestic violence charge. I was in a blind feeling of “love” for this guy who did not even love me. He would not have my daughter today if I was smart back then. She would not even know who he is.
I would not have had to go through 12 years of court battles 6 custody and 6 child support. The pittance of support I received (only when he was under pressure by the courts) did not even cover the ten’s of thousands of dollars I spent with attorney’s.
The out and out lies and deceipt…his spit in my face….which is a moment I will never forget…..the hammer thrown down the hall at my head. The cabinet door slammed in my forehead….the glass door he broke that came crashing down on me. I am lucky I am alive!
But what was to come next was due to my low self-esteem….a result of the abuse of my past. I lost everything to a con-artist P.
I have been through years of therapy. And it did help me get strong. But that does not make it completely better for you. Because along the way many people will critize you. They will try to get you fired just because they don’t like you because you have “problems”. Or “how could your daughter leave you?” So you learn to keep away from people because of that. You have very little friends because the situation made it so. But how many people are truly your friends…ask youself this…”do they have my back?”
These psychopaths are very distructive….so I advise anyone who is in a relationship with one to RUN AWAY…..QUICK
holywatersalt
Dr. Steve–
Thank you for the post and validation- therapy WITH a psycho is pointless and dangerous.
As far as alerting a client that someone they describe, who you the therapist has not met, is psychopathtic….perhaps a validation of their complaints and discussion of the type of people who present such symptoms.
I think a lot of therapists have wasted their time and mine- by making me flounder….I don’t have a psych degree. Though I have now realized after round two with a psycho that I was vulnerable b/c of my narcissistic mother who is also a pathological hoarder ( I see much of hoarding as narcissistically driven- it’s power).
As far as shame- I just blogged on it. And I agree,scoeity sufferes from those who feel shame but no guilt…psychopaths. They are embarrassed at being judged afoul of norms, of being accused of wrong-doing, but do not feel guilt for hurt inflicted on others.
http://holywatersalt.blogspot.com