I do much couples therapy, and occasionally have had the interesting, if disconcerting, experience where one of the partners is a sociopath, or has significant sociopathic tendencies.
Unsurprisingly, it is always the nonsociopathic partner who is occasionally successful in dragging his or her sociopathic counterpart to counseling. The sociopathic partner, just as predictably, will have no collaborative interest in the relationship’s improvement. However, he or she may be sufficiently selfishly and manipulatively motivated to attend.
For instance, the relationship may offer conveniences the sociopathic partner does not want to see end. The nonsociopathic partner may have reached wit’s end and may really be prepared to end the relationship, arousing the sociopathic partner’s concerns that the gravy-train, as it were, may be over.
This can be the sociopath’s inducement to try to “patch things up with,” to “settle down” the nonsociopathic partner, in order to salvage the perks of the relationship. (The quoted phrases are meant to capture the sociopath’s condescending, self-serving thinking.)
The couples therapy environment provides little cover for the sociopath who, for this reason, will prefer generally to avoid it. The reason that sociopaths fare so poorly in disguising their sociopathy in a couples therapy situation is that, facing an aggrieved partner, the sociopath will struggle, and often fail, to produce responses of convincing sincerity and depth.
In other words, the sociopath’s fundamental defects of empathy and sincerity, in the emotional hotseat of couples counseling, are at risk of being flagrantly unmasked—sooner, typically, than in individual (court-mandated) counseling, where the sociopath, safe from the spontaneous challenges and disclosures of his or her abused partner, can more effectively misrepresent and deceive.
Couples counseling is inadvisable when a partner is a suspected sociopath for several reasons. Among them:
1) The therapist does not want to enable the belief (especially the nonsociopathic partner’s belief) that a nonabusive, honest relationship can possibly evolve with a sociopathic partner.
2) It is inherently humiliating for the nonsociopathic partner to make him or herself vulnerable to a partner whose only capable response to that vulnerability is exploitative. The therapist does not want to collude in this process.
3) There is the risk that the sociopathic partner, who is probably blaming and possibly vengeful, will use his or her partner’s complaints during the session as a basis, after the session, to punish him or her for having had the audacity to expose him or her.
This risk, incidentally, applies to any abusive individual in couples therapy. Narcissists’ abusiveness in this situation will arise most likely from their sense of entitlement—for instance that their partners owe it to them to always make them look, and feel, good (in private and public).
For sociopaths, exposure may be experienced as a sort of defeat: their mask is uncovered; their leverage as an operator—and with it their parasitical lifestyle—is threatened. Their game may be over. They may be mad.
One accidental benefit of stumbling upon a sociopath in couples therapy is the chance it affords the therapist (who recognizes it) to be a professional (and desperately needed) witness for the nonsociopathic partner.
The therapist may be in a position to provide the vulnerable partner, in subsequent individual sessions (after the couples counseling has been appropriately terminated), critical validation, information, and lifesaving support.
All of this presupposes the therapist’s ability to identify the sociopathic partner. When the couples therapist fails to identify that he or she is dealing with a couple in which one of the partners is sociopathic, the ensuing counseling process will undermine all of the nonsociopathic partner’s interests.
In failing to expose the sociopath, the counseling, by definition, will be abetting the sociopath. It will be structured on the false pretense that two reasonable clients are having problems with each other that they’ve co-created, which will not be the case. This false assumption will support the unequal, exploitative playing-field the sociopath has sewn all along.
For this reason—especially if your self-esteem has been battered in a relationship—I encourage you to explore assertively with a prospective therapist the extent of his or her experience with narcissistic and sociopathic personalities. Your inquiry should be met with absolute respect. A defensive response should rule the therapist out, as should vague, general responses, along the lines of, “Well, yes, I’ve worked with these kinds of clients. Is that what you’re asking?”
The answer is “no.” That’s not what you are asking. You are asking for a more substantive response, characterized by the therapist’s interest and patience to discuss in some depth his or her clinical background with the personality-disordered population.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Howdy Ya’ll I see me therapist every two week’s and with the price of gas, I dont’ want to drive one hour to meditate. I am going to tell her next time “HEY” I need to talk about this MIKE thing, yes I realize it is my dysfunctional life from childhood that has helped bring me to this tuff life lesson. It has caused me to look back and really dig deep in about my past. I have educated myself about me over the past 4 months. I accept my part in having low self esteem, perhaps some co-dependecy issue’s. But Mike was 100% a cluster B. He can’t be fixed but I can be. I have a need to vent about the the past three year’s of him living with me, about the past five or more years of knowing him. I want to tell someone how he decieved me, maybe in great detail. The enormity of the lie’s and deciet are still fresh in my mind. I can’t let that go and focus on building a better me. I want to be validated or proved wrong in my opinion of what he is and what happened. I need to get the hurt out. I want to look someone in the eye and say “I knew he was using me but never in my life did I realize how much so”, I want to say ” I thot once he was finally, permantly gone I would have a great sense of relief, but instead I have this obsessive feeling of loss” and Takingmeback – thanks for telling me not to rush my recovery, that it is normal to feel the pain and that I shoud just do that~~~! I don’t want to be a whiner a complainer a victim, but I was victimized and I know why. I just still have problems believeing that I was sleeping with the enemy…. I went to Borders and got the books I ordered, “the sociopath nest door” and “without conscience” I have read so much, googled and googled. To me I am with out doubt that he is BPD P and the physciatrist said he was ( and he said they would just as soon kill you as look at you ) and trying to fix them is like pissin on a forest fire…The only source of talking about it is here. Yes I want to move on, I am confident that I will……it’s just so frustrating that the (P) and (BPD) of our life will never understand the pain we are in, or even care. I think that is my need to vent and cry about the unjust done to us by evil actor’s out for what ever they can get… Too con someone by pretending to be everything you ever dreamed of, just has only one explanation }EVIL{ all he wanted was an address, and a mean’s too further exploit other’s to fullfill his own desire’s…it’s make’s me mad…
Henry,
You most certainly do need to talk to someone in person about it and to be validated. That is so important. It’s so helpful. The more you can talk about it the more you can hear yourself saying the words you type here. Including the words that you are not a whiner and complainer, you were victimized. You are getting stronger. You are living in the truth. You are a victor in the end of all things. You were hurt badly and you didn’t deserve it. Not at all!!!
The confusion and need for verification and validation about M is normal too. Sometimes doubt creeps in and then I read LF and there’s no question. No doubt. He is what he is and he will always be that way. So will M. Don’t forget they hide their illness but you saw it up close. You were dealing with one very sick individual. Honestly, I got to the point where I didn’t focus on exactly what his diagnosis is but what he did. What they did Henry was abnormal and abusive and crazy making.
I am so glad you’re going to tell your therapist that you need to talk. That is wonderful! That time is about you and you need to use it in ways that help you. Part of what I learned is that I didn’t assert myself consistently. People could easily use guilt and I would back down. Now I don’t do that. I assert what I need. It isn’t being mean or selfish, it’s healthy. I am not mean nor do I ask for anything outlandish. But like with your therapist, it’s not about offending her by saying that your needs are not about meditating, they’re about talking things through. Getting the validation you need and addressing how to move forward. Go get ’em Henry!!!
and this has me upset with me….he had an address book when we got together that was worn out, I bought him a new one, he wrote down every family member’s names and birthdate, all his work (friend’s) past and current. none of these people (family included ever called or wrote him. he never wrote down my birthday. he never remembered it, he never bought me as much as a card. he resented it when i bought him xmas gift’s because he didnt want to have to be out the time involved in buying me anything. Well my birthday just passed ( why in the fricken F–k) was I hoping for a birthday card from HIM?????????????????somebody shoot me……………
hiya takingmeback hope all is good with you……thanks for your response take care and tell bev and jane and oxy hello
Happy birthday Henry, if it’s any consolation, if I lived close I’d be there with flowers. Love ya man
I’ve missed a lot, again.. my two cents about therapists: It’s obvious that therapists are caring people for the most part, and want to help, that’s why they are drawn to the helping professions in the first place.
From what I’ve seen, therapists are just like everyone else, the more they are exposed to sociopaths the more easily they learn to spot them. Same goes for those in all the other helping professions.
Happy Belated Birthday Henry! I’ll pass the hello’s along. Just like with Kat I’d have sent you something had I known too! Had Oxy and Bev and Jane all known you’d have gifts piled high! We love ya!
You’re so not alone. My ex used to complain that he had to get this card out and that card out for people’s birthdays. He made such a point of mentioning this to me. Then he told me ahead of time what he got me for mine. It was tiny compared to what I had gotten him on his. But I didn’t notice this until later. Anyhow, I got nothing. He lied. Never bought a thing. Not a card, not a call, nothing to even acknowledge that it was my birthday. When I asked him about this later he said he figured I didn’t want anything from him. Remember that what they say to you is about them. So the truth is he didn’t want to give me anything.
During the idealization stage he constantly bought me things. But this was to buy me. I came to realize that. So I got rid of everything he gave me. The biggest gift he had the nerve to ask that I give it back. I did. The second biggest gift I actually drove up to where he lives and gave it to his girlfriend with a letter telling the truth. I told her he bought me with gifts and I couldn’t give this one directly back to him and it was the last thing I had of the gifts. I told her to do what she wants with it. I suspected he had never broken up with her so I told her details of our time together and his techniques of abuse so she could check them out herself. Of course she told him and he retaliated but I could rest having gotten rid of everything and having warned her.
His retaliation came with an email to me saying “thank you for doing what I didn’t have the balls to do.” It was so hard not to respond saying, “yes, I’ve seen your balls and you’re right.” Then he sent a letter to one of my co-workers full of lies. That was his tit-for-tat. Then he hacked into my computer and make it oh soo obvious who did it by blocking any way that I could contact his g/f. I guess he didn’t figure that I could contact her from another computer LOL. He could only hide her from mine. I had no interest in contacting her thought because I said what I needed to in the letter. That paid off because now I have a new laptop LOL. What a great excuse to have to get a new computer. He’s such an idiot.
But see how he sent me a nice email thanking me and then stabbed me in the back with my co-worker? Oh, we laughed for hours!!! When you learn the traits of the disorder they’re much easier to figure out. You know what’s coming down the pike and you can laugh when they do it. I just prayed though that his g/f wouldn’t tell him. I asked her not to telling her that he would retaliate. I’m just glad that’s all he’s done. But truthfully I’m aware that there could be more that I don’t know about and it might show somewhere down the pike. I just hope not.
But I’m doing well Henry save one massive trigger shown earlier on this thread. Aside from that all is good. Keeping busy and trying to get back into the swing of life. Time does prove that it gets better. Take care of yourself. Trust in time and know that you’re getting there. I’m glad M didn’t send you a card. Only because I consider anything from them being tainted like bad juju LOL. I don’t want anything connecting me to them! Sending you a virtual hug!
Kat,
Thanks. You made a great point. I think on the outside anyone can read about these folks but once you’ve been exposed to one in your personal life you can spot them so easily. I have put it to the test and I guess I should feel validated as I’ve been right each time but I also feel sad as this is an area I wish I wasn’t right about. I wish I didn’t have to know and it didn’t exist. But in the long run it pays off.
Hope you’re doing well!
Well to come to the aid of those “good” therapist. I have the good fortune of knowing both the good and bad. And then also have learned how to filter them to receive good honest and sound advise from those therapist that can and will aid me in understand my current situation and present relationships. In fact I am a very big supporter and advocate for therapy. Without the help of many good and healthy relationships with good therapist I know I wouldn’t be the person I am today.
But allow me to say that as a laymen I too see family members friends and co-workers that refuse to see the “cycle of abuse” and stay in these dysfunctional relationships thru denial and fear of “being alone”. What surprises me is just how much those same people are “alone” when dealing with their own dysfunctional relationships. I guess the old saying is kind of true that “some people can’t be help”. But the way I see it is that “some people don’t want to be helped” So whenever I do run into someone who “wants” help but not really. I just tell them it is all about choices and that one can change oneself but never other person and pray someday (before it is to late) they will wake up and really really understand that!
The thing that stood out to me the most in Dr. Steve’s article is this: “I encourage you to explore assertively with a prospective therapist the extent of his or her experience with narcissistic and sociopathic personalities. Your inquiry should be met with absolute respect. A defensive response should rule the therapist out, as should vague, general responses, along the lines of, “Well, yes, I’ve worked with these kinds of clients. Is that what you’re asking?”
Just as in every other profession, there are good therapists and bad ones, with varying qualifications and expertise. Just because a therapist holds the title does not make them a good, caring, or even competent professional, just as all religious figures are not good people. I can see both sides of the coin, because the first therapist I went to was horrible. My first visit I had to sign a contract for X number of visits, in addition to completing a form specifying what problems I was having and what I hoped to achieve in therapy. I listed on the form that I was involved in a relationship that I knew was bad for me but I could not seem to leave it and I did not understand why and I wanted to figure out what was wrong with me etc. I literally told this therapist first session that I felt lrobotic and was acting contrary to my best interests, and although I knew it I didn’t understand it. I specifically said I thought my man might be a sociopath (this because I had seen Scott Peterson on tv and heard all the outrageous lies–like being at the Eifel Tower–and my ex also engaged in that outlandish lying behavior.) In addition, I told her that unbenownst to me on initial involvement) he had a lengthycriminal record (mainly DUI’s, PI’s, alluding police, menacing), had had six prior marriage/cohabitations, kept getting decent jobs and climbing the ladder into lower level management, then would either get fired or on impulse quit (saying stuff like he just got tired of working there, or was tired of the bullshit)–he always buddied up to higher level management and no matter where he went the person directly above him usually ended up getting fired and he would get their job–whether he orchestrated this I don’t know, but I suspect he did. He also had an alcohol problem, and had started to use cocaine and smoke crack. He was sneaky and vindictive with people who crossed him, and although he initially presented himself as Mr. Clean, Mr. Honest, Mr. aPerfect match, it was all an illusion, as he turned out to be NOTHING like his inital presentation. Whenever I tried to leave he would threaten me and would sometimes destroy property. However, he often left for hours or days at a time with no explanation, then would show back up just as if nothing had happened and I think he honestly didn’t even get why I would be upset as his attitude was like, I left, I’m back, problems over, get over it, it is no big deal, so stop making it one by living in the past. But anyway by the time I went to therapy I had NO friends, no family within several hundred miles of me, and I was a wreck. Session #2 this therapist leaned back in her chair, raised an eyebrow and said “IF what you’re telling me is true, then he’s just a criminal, why are you with a criminal, just leave him.” HELLO, that is why I was in her office, because I felt bound to this man I KNEW I needed to leave, yet I couldn’t, and I wanted to find out why, what was wrong with me, and work on that. I heard that “IF what you are telling me is true” statement numerous times thru the next four session. I also had my question of whether he could possibly be a sociopath shot down. She had no problem dragging out her DSM, dramatically flipping pages, then telling me he was likely just bipolar (which she discussed in depth, although to me it didn’t sound as if it fit), and then she said he might also have some narcissistic tendencies. Session #4 she told me “I’m getting frustrated with you. We talk about the same thing each time you come in.” I’m still not sure exactly what I was “supposed” to be talking about. However, in retrospect, it would have been most helpful to me if she had broached the subject of stockholm syndrome or traumatic bonding. Oh, I forgot to mention that I also told her in first session that he had just told me I had gotten played, that I was a dumb C*** and he had gotten over on me better than any other woman. (this was during a few days period when he discarded me, before boomerangin back into my life). I don’t know if a different approach to therapy would have helped me at that point, but I do know this approach seemed to make things worse. I attended for my contractual obligation of six visits, but I had the feeling this therapist thought I was exaggerating and making alot of this stuff up. I ended up staying with the guy nearly another year, then when I left he began stalking me, terrorizing me and the nightmare really began at that point. I ended up moving without a real place to go, then eventually selling my place. It was at this point I sought therapy again as he had begun to call again and I was afraid if he ever ended up at my door, that although I was adamant I would not reconnect with this a**hole or even open the door, well……..I might. I say this because I had come to understand–although I wasn’t in therapy yet–that whenever I was around this guy for some reason my mind seemed to go on some sort of autopilot, out of my control, and I didn’t understand it. I mean intellectually I could know this is not in my best interest, but I would become almost robotic, for lack of a better way to put it. The second therapist was WONDERFUL. I learned about stockholm syndrome, traumatic bonding, and also after reviewing my ex’s history of employment, criminality, relationships, etc. and discussing many other thingshe had done, both in the relationship and outside the relationship with others, then completing a 90 question form (one of Hare’s) the therapist told me they felt my ex was likely an “extreme psychopath”, althoug of course, that is not an “official diagnosis”. Not only did I learn WHY I had been behaving as I did, but I also never once heard the words, “IF what you’re telling me is true….” from this therapist. She told me some books to read on psychopathy and also gave me really helpful info on managing intrusive thoughts etc. and healing. Perhaps, with the former therapist, she may work well with some people and she may be the most caring person in the world, but that wasn’t my perspective, but I am also mindful that I was in a rather poor state of mind at the time, so my perceptions could also be off. But the second therapist really was a Godsend to me and although she didn’t coddle me in the least, she inspired me and helped provide me with the tools I needed to learn to do the work on myself in order to heal. I think having someone help me understand my ex was highly manipulative, that each time he told me that “I” or someone else he screwed over “deserved it”, or engaged in other pity plays or excuse making, that it was just bullshit game playing on his part. Just being validated and believed helped me the most, I think.
Oh jeez, sorry for the lack of breaks in that long post. I’ll be sure to insert breaks in any future posts. I can see this one is gonna be a nightmare for anyone trying to read it. Sooooorry.